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In a 7.5-year relationship, my boyfriend of 7.5 years constantly doubts and abuses me. How can I deal with this?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 21, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Muskan Question by Muskan on Oct 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hii Anu Krishna mam This is ritika I'm a law student I am in relationship with a boy since 7.5 year (he is student of computer science engineering) he always doubt on me i participated in moort competition although i was not told him about that he said he does not like that i am participating in any competition .he doesn't like then how can i participate in the competition Why he behaving like that he started abusing me mam he always think he is correct i am always wrong How can i deal with that if i telling him that it's good for my carrier then he was like how can your carrier bigger than relation Please help me I am literally devastated

Ans: Dear Muskan,
You said this:
he doesn't like then how can i participate in the competition!

Who exactly is he to tell you what to do and what not to do? He's doing this because you are allowing it, right?
If he already has begun to control certain aspects of your life and imagines that he is right, doesn't it look like a BIG RED FLAG?
Please think and act for yourself without being controlled by anyone. You are capable and you owe it yourself to steer your career your way. Emotionally blackmailing you by asking if your career is more important than the relationship: Say YES once and watch his reaction.

Be smart and act wise...Red flag on many counts...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

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Relationship
Hello mam. I am in a relationship with a boy and we both love each other and also want to get married but he doesn’t trust me at all.I tell him everything, yet he thinks I am a liar and alleges that am cheating on him. He doubts me in every single thing even he don't allow me to talk to any guy or girl not even my friends and he doesn't like when I step out from my home.  He gets scared when I step out or get to my college. He keeps reminding me to not to cheat or not to talk with anybody. All these things got me into stress and frustration and I feel so bad that the person I love doesn't trust me.We had lot of fights because of this. He abuses me and makes me angry. As I am a college going student, I can't manage my studies because of fights and his bad behaviour.He always tries to prove me wrong and make me feel guilty. He thinks very bad about me and makes his own stories adding fake stories and allegations.  In the past 2 years there is not a single day when I didn't have to explain him. But he is not ready to accept. He only wants to hear what he thinks not the real truth if I say that u are misunderstanding me he says no he is 100% right and you are wrong. One of his friends put one story 2 years ago with a girl hiding her face and the top she is wearing on that picture. I have the same top and he knows it. He doubted that the girl is me. I am tired answering his doubts. I got so much anger and feel disrespectful.I love him; he is my first and one and only boyfriend.  I do everything for him. But he treats me rudely he always starts his conversation with doubt like: where are you coming from? even if I didn't go anywhere he thinks that I went somewhere to meet someone. He tortures and abuses me like this. Every time I forgive him but he kept repeating that behaviour.  I can't even live without him. I give him my love, time...my everything.  But I didn't get anything. He thinks that I always do things by planning but I don't. He thinks that I always want to ruin his life, break his heart or cheat him but that's all wrong. He is making his mind so negative he thinks so negative about me. Because of his doubts problem I don't talk to anybody -- no friends, no guys but he thinks that I am talking to any guy and I'm lying that I don't I give every possible proof but he didn't trust me at all.He thinks that I tell people about him I gossip about him but I didn't do that I didn't even talk to anybody. He doesn't even want to breakup with me. I explained him that for our peace we have to separate he didn't want that also. He put such bad allegations on me about my character, my sexual status. I am a virgin but I didn't accept that. He makes me feel so sad and helpless I don't know what to do I’m helpless I didn't even share these things with anyone. Sometimes I feel suicidal also.  He has just all control over my life my mind but also he didn't give me respect, love or value. Plzzz help me mam what should I do with his doubts and trust issue. I am so depressed, plzzzz help me out. I’m stuck in it.
Ans:

Dear BM,

Have you heard of emotional abuse? That is exactly what you have been facing.

And why are you putting up with this? Because you maybe feel a sense of validation in this relationship.

What sort of a relationship demands constant proving and to the extent of having to prove that you are a virgin.

How is it any of anyone’s business whether you are a virgin or not? This relationship is toxic and has begun to alter your personality and who you are meant to be.

Take charge and NOW. Be YOU and what you always stood up for, because all this putting up with his idiosyncrasies, is causing you pain and moreover your inner self does not want to allow it.

Yet you are stuck to it giving yourself the story that he is the only boyfriend. BREATHE, take a step back and OBSERVE.

It’s time for you to draw out a beautiful life ahead of you and colour it as brightly as you intend.

What exactly are you waiting for? More abuses, more toxicity to hit and dampen your sprightly spirit?

Get a hold of yourself dear girl, be brave and do the right thing. Help yourself…Seek close friends who will hold space for you!

You can do this. Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi mam, I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 months he was uneducated but I’m a S.E. Initially everything was fine but later he started like u should not talk with other boys you should not go there you should not wear this kind of dress, I’m your husband so you should listen to me whatever I say u should do that like he started. Then he started mentally abused with so many bad words nd he slapped me twice. So I decided I don’t want to be in this relationship so I said him. Then he kept some fellows to follow me to check wat I’m doing where I’m going to get all these details. And then he said I will show both of our to your family, I will kill you like this he started. Now it is almost 2 year I’m leading my life but sometimes he will call me he will threaten me I don’t know what to do how to overcome this I can’t tell to my family I’m depressed can u please tell me what I have to do
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you married? Because he said that he is your husband...I am confused...

Anyway, NO, he has no business controlling you this way...Emotional and Physical Abuse is a strict NO NO...
Tell your family and do that NOW!!!!!!!
This man seems to be acting in a violent manner and your safety should be more of a concern...it was 2 slaps, then after that? When you did not protest for that, he simply has got the message that violence is okay with you...
No, it's not okay, right? And that's why you wrote on this platform...

Do the right thing for yourself...Protect yourself from this person first! Threats of killing you did not set off alarm bells? Why are you still letting him off so easy? This is NOT love...he is just a familiar person to you.
Familiarity does not mean Safety!!!!!! (Read this again)...

Involve your family and let him know that you are not alone; he will stop his threats knowing that you will respond to the rubbish he is subjecting you to! Speak with your family...

All the best!
Dear Anonymous,
No, Age is not so important in a marriage; but if it isn't, then why did you hide the fact of your real age? You have givem it that importance enough to hide it, yeah?
And any relationship based on lies or a hidden fact can cause damages...
The only way that I can see is work with the Counselor and appeal to your husband as well. Tell him that your child needs the love of both parents. Hear what he has to say...and yes, he is bound to bring up the age factor over and over again...it is something that he feels cheated with...so, respect it...Like I said, Apologize like you really mean it...

And oh, why are you so bothered about how he will treat other women in his life? Just focus on your life and your marriage...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7103 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 25, 2024

Money
I am 50 years old, how much proportion should I allocate in Debt and Equity mutual funds. I am investing in mutual funds only. My 43 L portfolio has 37 L equity and 6 Lak debt.
Ans: Balancing your portfolio between equity and debt is critical at this stage. A 50-year-old investor should aim for a safer portfolio while ensuring reasonable growth. Since you’re already investing in mutual funds, fine-tuning your allocation can optimise returns and reduce risk.

Let’s assess your portfolio in detail and identify actionable steps for an optimal balance.

Evaluating Your Current Portfolio
Your current allocation includes:

Rs 37 lakh in equity: Around 86% of your total portfolio.
Rs 6 lakh in debt: About 14% of your total portfolio.
This equity-heavy portfolio is suitable for younger investors. At 50, you may need to rebalance to reduce volatility while retaining growth.

Recommended Allocation Strategy
A general rule is the "100 minus age" approach. However, personal goals, risk tolerance, and financial stability should guide decisions. For a 50-year-old:

Equity: 50% to 60% of the portfolio. This ensures growth and combats inflation.
Debt: 40% to 50%. This ensures stability and predictable returns.
You can adjust within this range based on personal preferences and financial objectives.

Steps to Rebalance Your Portfolio
To align your portfolio, consider these steps:

Gradually reduce equity exposure: Shift some equity investments to debt. Do this systematically over months to avoid timing risks.
Increase debt mutual funds allocation: Consider short-duration or dynamic bond funds for liquidity and moderate returns.
Use hybrid mutual funds: Balanced advantage funds can offer a mix of equity and debt with automatic rebalancing.
Why a Balanced Allocation Is Crucial
Equity: This provides growth potential to counter inflation. It supports long-term financial goals like retirement planning.
Debt: This offers stability and acts as a buffer against market downturns. It ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses.
Avoid Over-Exposure to Equity
While equity delivers higher returns, excessive exposure can increase portfolio risk. A balanced allocation shields you during market corrections.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds can outperform the market due to professional expertise. They adjust portfolios based on market trends and opportunities.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

They lack active monitoring during volatile periods.
They mimic the index, limiting scope for higher returns.
Their fixed composition may underperform in certain market cycles.
For long-term growth, actively managed funds offer better risk-adjusted returns.

Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Guidance: Regular funds come with expert advice from an MFD with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credential.
Portfolio Monitoring: They help align your investments with changing market conditions.
Support: MFDs can guide in tax planning and rebalancing.
Direct funds, while cheaper, may lead to uninformed decisions and missed opportunities.

Tax Efficiency in Your Portfolio
Understanding new mutual fund taxation rules is essential:

Equity funds: LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%. STCG is taxed at 20%.
Debt funds: Gains are taxed as per your income slab.
Consider tax implications before rebalancing to avoid unnecessary liabilities.

Maintaining Liquidity
At this stage, maintaining a portion of your portfolio in liquid funds is prudent. It helps meet short-term goals or emergencies without disturbing long-term investments.

Aligning with Retirement Goals
Your portfolio should focus on generating a steady post-retirement income. Here’s how:

Allocate more to debt as you approach retirement.
Use SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) for regular income during retirement.
Retain a small equity portion to combat inflation even post-retirement.
Creating a Contingency Fund
Set aside a separate fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. Use liquid or ultra-short-term debt funds for this.

Monitoring and Reviewing Your Portfolio
Review your portfolio every 6 months.
Rebalance based on market conditions and life changes.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner for adjustments aligned with your goals.
Avoid Common Investment Pitfalls
Chasing high returns: Avoid concentrating on high-risk funds at this stage.
Over-diversification: Stick to a manageable number of funds to track performance easily.
Ignoring inflation: Ensure your portfolio grows faster than inflation rates.
Building a Long-Term Perspective
Focus on wealth preservation alongside growth.
Maintain discipline in investing. Avoid reacting impulsively to market fluctuations.
Stay informed about economic and market trends affecting mutual fund performance.
Final Insights
Balancing equity and debt is essential for stability and growth in your portfolio. A 50%-60% equity and 40%-50% debt allocation aligns with your age and goals. Active management and regular reviews will help optimise returns and minimise risks.

Transitioning gradually ensures minimal disruption to your portfolio’s growth. Focus on creating a robust strategy to secure your financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7103 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 25, 2024

Money
One time investment in mutual fund in which fund
Ans: To decide on a one-time investment, understanding your financial goals is vital. Knowing the purpose of your investment ensures better alignment with your expectations. Your goals could be wealth creation, retirement planning, or funding a specific future expense like a child's education or marriage.

Assessing Risk Tolerance
Before choosing any investment, assess your risk tolerance. High-risk options offer better returns but can fluctuate more. If you are a conservative investor, you might prefer stability over high returns. Moderately aggressive investors balance growth and risk well.

Benefits of Actively Managed Mutual Funds
Actively managed mutual funds are an excellent choice for one-time investments. Professional fund managers make critical investment decisions based on market conditions. These funds can outperform market indices over the long term due to their strategic asset allocation.

They adapt well to market dynamics, offering higher growth potential than passive funds. Investors benefit from expertise and insights that help mitigate risks during market downturns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds simply track market indices and lack active management. They offer no scope for market-beating returns. While their fees are lower, this comes at the cost of performance. In actively managed funds, expert decision-making can lead to better results.

Investors relying solely on index funds may miss opportunities to earn superior returns. Active funds also better suit those aiming for long-term wealth accumulation with reduced volatility.

The Issue with Direct Funds
Direct funds may have lower costs but require greater knowledge and time. Without professional advice, managing such investments can be overwhelming. Regular funds, managed through Certified Financial Planners, ensure guidance tailored to your needs.

A Certified Financial Planner monitors your portfolio’s performance, suggesting timely corrections. This professional approach ensures that your investment aligns with your financial goals efficiently.

Choosing the Right Mutual Fund Category
Select funds based on your investment horizon and risk appetite. Equity mutual funds work well for long-term goals as they provide higher growth potential. However, they carry higher volatility and are suitable only for investors with a longer time horizon.

For medium-term goals, balanced or hybrid funds are better suited. These combine equity and debt to balance risk and returns. Short-term goals are better addressed with debt funds, offering lower returns with minimal risk.

Importance of Diversification
Diversifying your investment reduces the risk of losses. It spreads your money across various sectors, ensuring market fluctuations impact your investment less. Avoid investing all funds in a single category, ensuring a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid funds.

Taxation Rules for Mutual Funds
Understand the tax implications before investing. For equity funds, long-term capital gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains are taxed at 20%. For debt funds, all gains are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Consider tax-saving options if your goal aligns with reducing tax liabilities. While tax efficiency matters, it should not override your primary objective of wealth creation.

Importance of Lump Sum Timing
Market timing matters for one-time investments. Investing during a market correction or when valuations are reasonable ensures better growth. A Certified Financial Planner can guide you to enter the market at the right time for better results.

Monitoring and Reviewing Your Investment
A one-time investment is not set and forget. Regular reviews ensure the investment aligns with your goals. Markets evolve, and so should your portfolio. Make changes as required with the guidance of a professional.

The Role of Emergency Funds
Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund before making a one-time investment. This fund covers unforeseen expenses, preventing you from withdrawing long-term investments prematurely. Keep at least 6-12 months' expenses aside for emergencies.

Setting Realistic Expectations
Investments are subject to market risks, and returns are not guaranteed. Patience and a long-term approach yield better results. Understand the product before investing, ensuring it meets your expectations and financial objectives.

Final Insights
A one-time mutual fund investment can help achieve your financial goals effectively. However, aligning this investment with your risk tolerance and objectives is key. Actively managed funds, combined with professional advice, offer the best value for your money.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I 25M) have been in a Long Distance Emotional Relationship with a College Friend (25F) whom I'd known since more than 3 years. Although, neither of us has explicitly confessed to each other, but we both seemed to have strong Feelings for each other. We both have shared a lot of personal matters about ourselves, with each other (which are unknown to even some of our Closest Friends). We both share similar Values & Outlook towards various aspects of Life (including our Long Term Career Goals). We both used to chat on WhatsApp almost everyday, sharing our experiences, opinions, knowledge etc. I used to Flirt with her by writing Romantic Poetry for her, once she'd also confessed that she's falling for me. But what has stopped us both from proposing Love to one another is the difference in our Family Background (I'm from a Telugu Speaking Hindu Brahmin Family & she's from a Malayali Catholic Christian Family, but we both studied together from a College in Gujarat). As of now, we both are in different States Studying/Working in different fields. But both of us have been preparing for UPSC, which is our ultimate Career Goal & we also used to discuss the Subject matter & Preparation Plans, helping out each other. Presently, the Problem is that She seems to have Ghosted me (since a Month) citing a silly reason that her Phone got Damaged (she'd said something like this even in 2021), but I see her active on various Social Media Platforms, regularly. I have tried reaching out to her through all the Social Media Platforms & have even called her up, but there's no Response at all, from her side. I am not able to understand why she has Ghosted me like this, atleast she could have honestly told me the actual Reason. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I must have been a distraction to her Studies. But I have very strong Feelings for her, which I'd never felt for any other Girl & I believe that we can have a Future together. We both could continue complementing each other in the course of UPSC Preparation & acting as each other's motivation & emotional support (as seen in the Movie "12th Fail"). And if we both successfully clear UPSC together, we could try to convince our Parents for Marriage (these are not just my Fantasies, even she had indirectly expressed her interest in sharing her Future Life with me). Now, I don't understand what to do? How to reach out to her & sort out things between us? If not reconciliation, I believe that I deserve atleast a definite closure with Honest communication. Though, I am going along with my UPSC Preparation, every now & then, I can't Help thinking of her, I'm feeling Lonely, her Emotional & Intellectual Company would be a great Help in the course of my Preparation. She's always been a Positive Motivation not a Distraction in my Career Path. Please advise me, how do I get back at her, presently, she's working in a different State, so reaching out to meet her in person is not feasible & I have unsuccessfully tried out all other means of Communication. What should I do now? I want to hear from her again, I'd feel satisfied even if she breaks it up with me, honestly stating the Reason. I am feeling restless due to this Uncertainty. Should I persistently keep trying to reach out to her, through different means, without giving up on her, until she Responds, Hoping that she'd appreciate my consistent efforts & reconsider the Relationship with me? Or would you advise any other approach, which is better, according to you?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You really need to STOP putting yourself through this.
The reason for your restless state is the dependency that you have been having on her, chats with her, the emotional base with her knowing well enough that there has been no prior agreement on commitment in this relationship. But that's the way the heart is, no?
So, there has been freedom with both of you to go away when you please, to see other people etc...

You have possibly been more into this connection that she has been into it and this has led to expectations from your end.
Go silent and maybe this will give her an idea of missing you if she truly has feelings for you. When you do this, you give yourself some breathing space as well on things that need your focus and also will also reveal if she really wants you as a part of her life. This space is difficult but really important.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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