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Why Do Some People Stray in Committed Relationships?

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Samrat Question by Samrat on May 29, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello sir, thanks for your previous response. I am a bit curious about how relationships fall into routine and predictability. We all know that every relationship has a phase where passion wanes and people settle in routine and predictable life. But only some of them get attracted towards potential partners outside while some don't. Why this happens and is it different for men and women?

Ans: Relationships, like any dynamic process, evolve over time. Initially, there's a phase filled with excitement and discovery, often driven by passion and novelty. As time progresses, this high-energy state transitions into a more stable and predictable pattern, which can sometimes be perceived as mundane. The predictability in relationships is not inherently negative; it provides a sense of security and trust. However, the challenge lies in maintaining the balance between comfort and excitement.

Why Some People Seek Excitement Outside the Relationship:
Unmet Needs:

When certain emotional, psychological, or physical needs aren't met within the relationship, individuals might seek fulfillment elsewhere. This isn't necessarily about dissatisfaction but about finding what they feel is missing.
Desire for Novelty:

Humans are naturally inclined towards novelty and excitement. Some individuals have a higher need for variety and may seek new experiences or connections outside their relationship to satisfy this craving.
Emotional Distance:

Over time, couples can drift apart emotionally. If there's a lack of emotional intimacy or unresolved conflicts, one might look for connection outside the relationship.
Validation and Self-Esteem:

Some people seek validation and a boost in self-esteem from new admirers. This external validation can be intoxicating, especially if they feel underappreciated within their current relationship.
Differences Between Men and Women:
While individual differences often overshadow gender differences, certain trends have been observed:

Social Conditioning:

Men and women are often socialized differently, affecting their approach to relationships and infidelity. Men might be conditioned to seek multiple partners to prove their virility, while women might seek emotional connections.
Emotional vs. Physical Needs:

Generally, women may seek emotional fulfillment, while men might be more inclined towards physical satisfaction. However, this is not a rule and varies greatly among individuals.
Communication Styles:

Women often emphasize emotional sharing and communication, which can prevent emotional drift. Men might struggle with this, leading to unmet emotional needs.
Risk vs. Reward:

Men might be more willing to take risks for immediate rewards, while women might consider the broader implications and long-term effects on the family and relationship.
Maintaining Balance and Preventing Predictability:
Open Communication:

Regularly discussing desires, needs, and concerns can prevent emotional drift and unmet needs.
Shared Activities:

Engaging in new activities together can reignite the spark and bring novelty into the relationship.
Emotional Intimacy:

Building and maintaining emotional intimacy through shared experiences, empathy, and understanding can strengthen the bond.
Self-Reflection:

Individuals should reflect on their own needs and communicate them effectively. Understanding oneself is key to understanding the relationship dynamics.
Appreciation and Gratitude:

Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude can boost self-esteem and reinforce the positive aspects of the relationship.
In the end, each relationship is unique, and understanding the individual needs and dynamics at play is essential. By fostering open communication, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect, couples can navigate the phases of their relationship with greater ease and fulfillment.

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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 22, 2024Hindi
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Some people fall out of love with their partners after 10-12(not precisely) years of marriage while others still crave for their partners even after the time period in marriage. Why this happens and what can we conclude from it (we know that most of the relationships fall into routine after this much period of time) ?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Honeymoon period over and then real life takes over. Responsibilities at work and at home need time and attention and also the involvement of both partners.
Now, add children into the picture and then raising them in a digital age; that's again a lot of challenges, right?
Next, caring for aged parents...
Responsibilities can rob the romance out of marriages and relationships. But with proper understanding between both partners, even during tough times, it is possible to find a silver lining.
So, put in simple words, as the relationship grows, responsibilities increase and this can cause a dent in the love life of partners. Becoming aware that this is an inevitable phase in any marriage/relationship, the couple can still act as one unit and face struggles and support one another. Love can actually increase, you know?
But, only if the couple does not resort to blame game and passing the buck. A lot of movies show this aptly with much bickering and struggles.

The key to a sound relationship is to step in and show up at all times and be committed to working together in difficult times and happy times as well...possible? Yes, possible as long as the couple make that level of commitment! That's what you actually see in couples who still are going strong 30-40 years after marriage.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1651 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

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I have concluded by myself that it has something to do with foundation of relationship. If both the partners have put much efforts and investment (emotionally and physically) , they are most likely to last long while others whose relationship have formed only on short term satisfaction of when one partner is only at receiving end the love will fade once satisfaction gone or the other partner stopped making efforts. And in most cases , I believe this is true . What do you think? Thank you for reply
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Simply put, a car moves only if all the wheels move together.
Marriage/relationship moves only if both partners move together. Sometimes, you encounter differences and then instead of blaming, you work together as one unit to resolve it.
So, instead of putting an age to a relationship, just work with the concept that: For any relationship to work, the people involved in it must want it for almost the same reasons and are willing to work their differences to keep the institution functioning well.
And you end up seeing this in people who are well settled in their marriages for a long time which means they have put in a lot of work into it. But that doesn't mean all marriages/relationships that have been going on for a while are working out well. People are good at hiding things like this. So, focusing on making a relationship work together may work better rather than thinking of what time point the marriage is at!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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