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Married 16 Years, Wife Cheating: Should I Divorce?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 06, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 04, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I been married for 16 years now. From last 4 years, my wife has been getting involved with a colleague of her friend. After I found out, she said she is only friends with him and promised to stop chatting with him. But I found out that she was still talking to him. When I confronted her she denied it and said I am unnecessarily doubting her, but promised to stop and block him. But its empty promise and she continues chatting him. she refuses to sleep in same room and continues talking to him late into the night. I managed to get certain screen shots of her chats but nowadays she locked her phone. Her friends were encouraging her and also playing messenger/peacemaker role when she has a tiff with him. I really dont want a divorce because it will affect my kids but seems like there is no alternative. She keeps threatening me that she will file a case against me and my family and also that I need to pay for alimony if i plan to divorce. I indirectly raised this issue with her family but she has said so many negative things about me to them that they seem to take it lightly. I am frustrated now . Please advice

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What sort of a situation are you dealing with? Your wife chats with another man and then she is also threatening to file a case against you and your family? On what grounds?
If at all you are going to file for divorce, make sure that you keep whatever proof that you have intact with you. It can help strengthen your side of the story and her threats can be opposed accordingly.
If you still want the marriage to continue, it cannot go on like this...kindly seek professional help as your wife really needs to understand the meaning of marriage. If she is not interested in it, at least then it can proceed towards a separation BUT living under the same roof and still being involved with her colleague and then behaving as though you are to blame clearly suggests that she is not in the right frame of mind OR has decided that she does not want the marriage.
Whatever the case, do ask her what she intends and then it will give you an idea as to whether to separate or make efforts to rebuild the marriage.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

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Dear LG, Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others. I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years. I got two kids. My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple. I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life. From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job). She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages. Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages. She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages. He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also. She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back). Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, You always says same thing. I will become old one day. Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility. She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know. Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour. I have stopped reading her messages now. But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.) Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation. Regards.
Ans:

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!

 

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |331 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 13, 2023Hindi
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I am a 53 year old male having troubled relationship with my wife off late. I am married for 26 years & was happy for 25 years. Recently due to my friendship & chatting with some female friends my wife grew suspicious & started keeping watch on my phone & location through setting on phone. I didnt mind as I was not having any wrong intention & relationship with any female friend. Problem started when my wife started interfering in my daily work by calling during office hours and asking what I am doing and with whom I am chatting etc. 1-2 times in a week this questioning turns into arguments & she use abusive language to confront. She claims that this issue of my infidelity haunts her all day and she cant sleep properly during night. Is she having some psychotic problem? Do we have to seek counseling together or she needs a Psychologist help? She is happy for 2-3 days in a week & this problem is not a everyday problem as she is pretty normal on other days.I love her unconditionally & cant see her sinking like this. Please help.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing difficulties in your relationship. I can offer you some general suggestions that might help in this situation.

Open and honest communication: Sit down with your wife during a calm moment and have an open conversation about your concerns and feelings. It's important to express your love and commitment to her, and also address the impact her actions are having on your relationship.
Seek couples counseling: A professional counselor or therapist can help both of you navigate through these issues. Couples counseling provides a safe space for open communication and can assist in resolving conflicts, rebuilding trust, and improving the overall dynamics of your relationship.
Individual counseling: In addition to couples counseling, your wife may benefit from individual therapy to address her feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and trust issues. A psychologist or therapist can provide her with support and guidance to work through her concerns.
Establish boundaries and trust-building measures: It's important to establish boundaries that both of you are comfortable with regarding friendships and privacy. Rebuilding trust might involve setting guidelines for communication, being transparent about your activities, and reassurance about your commitment to the relationship.
Patience and empathy: Remember that this process may take time, and it's essential to be patient and understanding with each other. Try to empathize with your wife's feelings and reassure her of your love and commitment. Encourage her to express her concerns and fears openly so you can work through them together.

It's important to note that only a qualified mental health professional can provide an accurate assessment. If you believe your wife's behavior is indicative of a larger mental health issue, it would be advisable to seek the guidance of a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Ultimately, seeking professional help can provide you both with the necessary tools and guidance to work through these challenges and strengthen your relationship.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |298 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 17, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 15, 2023Hindi
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Hello, I been married for 15 years now. From last 4-5 years, my wife has been getting involved with Random men(Friend circle, internet friends etc). In few times I found out and she promised that she will stop. But In last couple of years, she been deeply involved with a man who is a friend of her. Her friends have been encouraging and helping her to meet him. She keeps giving vague excuses to go out , when i know she is going to meet her. We had multiple discussions and arguments regarding his involvement, but she keep saying she only talks to him as a friend. Her phone is locked, so i cant see the messages between them. But I secretly recorded a few of the conversations she is having with him when I am away at work. I was shocked by the brazen act of her to continue relationship with him inspite of my warnings. I am not thinking of divorce at the moment since the kids are involved. I am not able to figure out what to do, and since it is affecting my career and health and kids well being. Please advice
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that divorce is still seen as a negative thing in Indian society, and as you rightfully said, it can have an impact on your kids but at this point in time, some form of separation, if not legal, is very much required. You cannot stand by while your partner continues to cheat on you. If it is indeed your misconception, you might have to sit together with your wife and clear it out once and for all. But if you are absolutely sure about this affair, taking some form of strict action is important. Love can fade over the years, but cheating is never acceptable and you have to communicate this with your partner. Let her decide between you and the man she claims is her friend. And, coming to your kids- it is better to have two happily divorced parents than two unhappy parents who were forced to stick together.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
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Hi.. good evening.. i want your advise.. we are married for 6 months now and we had a arranged marriage. My mistake was not informing my wife about my past relationship which we had broken up badly and immediately after my marriage my ex girlfriend shared our pictures with my wife purposefully and she got upset with that and me and my family convinced my wife that i have broken up with her and i dont have any contact with her and it is true and i am loyal to my wife. Everthing was normal after that and 2 months passed and i observed that my wife is in regular contact with a guy on phone whom she calls friend and talks to him daily. I confronted this to her and she told that he is just her freind and he had helped her before during her difficult times. Again this continued and i asked her to stop contacting him daily and even though he is a friend what is the point in talking to him daily and she just cried telling that i am controlling her and she feels like she has no freedom and is in jail and i am not allowing her to talk to her friends. After this she limited her talks with him and seemed fine by me as it is just a friendly casual talks 2 to 3 times a week. One day she asked me reply to one of her emails and wanted to upload some file. While i went to upload i had access to her google photos and i was shell shocked to see lots of photos of her with this guy whom she calls friend and in close proximity. Also there are pictures of them dated 3 to 4 years back and also the most hurting part is the pictures of her with him after our marriage as well. She had told me that they have a college get together and reunion and she had went with him on that day and stayed overnight as well. I was literally shocked by this and confronted her immediately and then she told me that she was in relationship with him and her parents did not agree so couldnt marry him and even he also cancelled many marriage proposals because of her and she betrayed him and happily married now with me while he is still not married and she feels guilty as all this happened to him because of her and so she talks to him daily and she can only feel ok once he is married. I told her she has to stop talking to him if we want to keep this marriage.. she tells me if i leave her she is dead as even her parents wont accpet her and also he (her ex boyfriend) will not accept her and she says she has nowhere else to go.. she still cares for me though but i dont know what else to do.. she still talks to him 2 to 3 times a week... please advise how to go about this
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your wife was never into this marriage and it became convenient for her to pursue a link with her ex-boyfriend once she found out about your past.
Everything that she does now being justified. You are right in putting your foot down, but have you seen a favorite toy being snatched away from a child? The need for that toy only gets stronger.
The way that you can counter this is by showering her with a lot of care and attention as I do gather that the two of you want this marriage. You want it as you are in love with your wife, she wants it as she has nowhere to go. Fair enough! The reasons right now might not be the same BUT someday with much love going into the relationship, the two of you can be on the same path.

Now, the question is: Are you willing to wait and pour more into the relationship? She will waver for a while going back and forth between you and that guy; it will hurt you...There will be a lot of anger and perhaps feelings of inadequacy in you, BUT you know that it's not the case. Can you persist on this journey? I sincerely believe that somewhere along the way, she is bound to stick by you when she realizes the stability that you can offer and that the sheen out there will wear out. Possible? Are you willing? If you are, go for it...Love, care, stability, security is something that is core in any marriage...be a part of it!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

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Hi Anu Kindly refer to my earlier question and your answer. In july 2023, she came to my office and literally touched my feet and apologized to me for her wrongdoings, like talking to my wife and further character assassination. She told me that all people are lying to me. I forgave to her and thought that she is possessive and in her possessiveness, she took that step. From july 2023 till June, 2024, she continued to put various allegations on me that I have a affair with my office staff etc. I blocked her so many times in past one year, but she used to come to me through various persons. I told her many times that if she has any proof of my affair, show to me and i would explain to you. But she used to say sorry and reunite. In june, 2024, she again levelled allegation on me that I am having affair with my friends wife and again, she informed this to my wife that I am having affair with various women and she used to give me money and gave various household items to me. She also informed my wife about our personal things to my wife. In short, she tried to ruin my respect, my family. In wife became quite depressive on hearing these things. I totally blocked her from my phone and she is continuing to call my friends and assassinating my character. My friends know me quite well. When my wife tried to backfire on her, like contacting her relative on facebook, inquiring about her whereabouts, she suddenly took a U turn and said to my friend that I should stop my wife, else she would be thrown out of her house (she is a widow). I would never forgive her nor would return to her. I invested around 7 lakhs on building a house on collaboration with her and in her distress time, i used to take care of her and her house, like providing ration to her, giving her money to run household chores, paying her electricity bill etc. But i came to conclusion that she was just using me. If she would have really loved me, she couldt try to destroy me reputation and my family. But even after this, I never contacted her and tried to ruin her.
Ans: Dear Harish,
When you asked for help in your first question, it only meant you wanted to get out of this sticky situation. Now, I am happy that you were able to realize that she was using you. Hope you have decided to keep her at a distance from you and the family. When you started to dream of a parallel life with her and spend money to construct a home etc, you were again running away from your marriage and trying you luck elsewhere. Do try and give your marriage a fair chance and now that your wife knows most of it, do start on a clean state if that's what she wishes to as well. Thank you for sharing...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |298 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 16, 2024

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Hii sir ! This is ritika and I love a boy and we are in relationship since 7 years but there are some behavior of him he always have doubt on me that I am dating another boy he always says that start you screenshare in WhatsApp I even do because I don't want to lose him and he saw all of things of my phone yesterday he again asking for that and I do and there was a tab of instagram which was belongs to my roommate it was her I'd open in my chrome browser where she only wants to delete the I'd which she did from my phone these instagram thing happened approx one year ago but when he saw this I told him that was not mine but he continuously said I am cheater I cheated with him again he was like I know you have two mobile phones and you cheated with me. I love him soo much but he cannot try to accept that . Even I don't talk to my male classmate because he didn't want ki main kisi boy se baat karu Is it fair , am I cheater ? I love him unconditionally I support him in all his career or decision but again he was like I cheated with him we are in long distance relationship but I can't cheat him . Literally I am feeling depressed ????
Ans: Dear Ritika,

Please understand that you did nothing wrong. Why would you even question yourself? You know you never cheated. It's his issue that he cannot trust. Yes, in a relationship we all try to comfort our partners but that too should be to a certain extent. And, in that process, if your mental health is being compromised, I don't see how it's a healthy relationship.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I would reassure you that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You don't need to prove yourself anymore. And I can also assure you that no matter what you do, he will still manage to find some flaws and doubt you. It's a typical behavior we see in some partners. You deserve peace, love, and above all, to be trusted.

Best Wishes.

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