Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 03, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 30, 2023Hindi
Listen
Relationship

Hello, I do follow you from sometime and thought to ask you...NO... share my inner turmoil and get some suggestions.... DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT ? I am 35 year old, unmarried female, I work in small firm, living a good life with my family. I am happy being single and don't have any thought about getting married sooner. Actually that something strange.... is it ? Sometime I wonder if I am going to regret today's decision of being single ? of not having a family of my own? It scare me sometime.... I always say I won't be regretting it because it’s the best what I can do for myself now BUT... Also, recently one of my relative is pregnant - seeing her and think about the child, I feel connected to babies... So, It also come to mind I won't be able to experience it.... Though I am freaking shit scared of the whole thing... but a new born child of your own... it give such a good feeling. I know I can adopt and will if, but it not an easy thing in India ... the procedure are a lot. Also i am not that financial stable, belong to lower middle class family, unmarried, aged.... One more thing that i found strange about me is.... I am never get attracted toward man or woman (LOL) physically or emotionally.... I don’t feel like my body/ heart/mind need it.... That one big reason I never thought of marriage.... I can't ruin a persons life by getting married to him even after knowing... I will never be able to become his wife completely; RIGHT ? I don't feel any thing about physical relationship... not good not bad. It a big part of married life - some thing that MUST. I also sometime wonder may be with time as duty i will accept it, may be like it..... but that a whole experiment thing... I know my personal space it quite bigger... when I actually start thinking about it i found out i never show love or emotions physically to anyone..... like hugging your parents siblings... giving kiss to kids... patting animals... holding friends hand.... anything I don't do it... So I am sure the experiment is going to fail... I may become a good support but never a good partner. Man are different when it come to physical relation, I have read a lot of your posts, It clearing say - It mean a lot to them So, I found my decision of not getting married correct.... Baby I don’t thing I am at a stage to handle it now... but sure love them... I sound like a hypocrite wanting and not wanting...it's so confusing. Is any thing wrong with me.... I am overly emotional too....i carved care and support... but I am not a lonely person, has a very beautiful happy family. There are no questions just if you can say something in reply.... My thoughts confuse me a lot, your view on it may help me.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
How many thoughts do you want to handle at one go?
1. You feel connected to babies but at this stage you can't handle
2. You want to adopt but you worry about procedural difficulties
3. You don't want to get married as you feel that not being attracted will ruin someone's life
4. You don't want a physical relationship
5. Your personal space matters a lot to you
6. You can't show physical affection to anyone
7. You are overly emotional
8. You crave care and support
In all of this, I still want you to think:
- What is it that I actually want?
- What is it that I am actually good at within the family?
- What is it that I am uniquely different when it comes to relationships?
- What can I change to make a marriage/relationship work on a long-term basis?

Your challenge/issue is that you choose to focus on what you don't want and that keep you in a confused state for long. Instead focus on what you want and what can help you get to that place; this can be the beginning of clearing confusions...So, if your thoughts confuse you, then shift focus to better thinking by answering the above questions...it will be a good place to start...

All the best!
Asked on - Jan 09, 2024 | Answered on Jan 12, 2024
Listen
Thank you for kind reply... I found the answers to your question... Suggest me the way to follow -What is it that I actually want? Happiness, Respect and Peace. - What is it that I am actually good at within the family? Shield - that what I can feel.. though I am not that strong now.. I was when I was young always ready to fight against the wrong. (My father is no more with us, he expired when I was 13). from that point on I take the role of being on guard - to protect- to be their strong façade. -What is it that I am uniquely different when it comes to relationships? Still finding. - What can I change to make a marriage/relationship work on a long-term basis? I will go with flow... wait for the right time and person to come. So right now I will put a pause on both the topic of marriage and kids. I will live happily with the peoples, relations and kid I have now. If in future to life can be added to my happy circle... i will welcome it with open arms, if not its okay. ( Somebody told me recently Okay to enough sometime you don't need more to be happy). so do you think I am going correct ?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad that you have managed to spend time on reflection which is where you will find all your answers to challenges in life.
When the time is right for marriage or a relationship, you will know it...until then, just do what makes you happy and keeps you happy and let this not be dependent on someone else or someone else validating you. Just be happy on your own and when you come across someone who you feel can be your life partner, then make a move on that...
Be in your own space and happily in it...

All the best!
Asked on - Jan 15, 2024 | Answered on Jan 16, 2024
Listen
Thank you :)
Ans: You are most welcome...

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu I am 30 years old. I have done LLB and was not interested to practice in court so I tried to get a private job but I didn't get any. Then I decided to start preparing for a government job but I missed it. I started to doubt myself. I even had suicidal thoughts this was started when I was very little something happened to me when I was 16 since then I tried to kill myself and also tried to get involved with one of my friends in college. He liked me so much so we started having relationship. When intimacy started I became nervous and afraid. It is like itching. I want to run and hide in a safe place. He was very firm and honest and humble but didn't work out. After that so many proposals came. I declined. Now my family wants me to marry. I don't know if the husband would understand and give me some time to get involved with him. I don’t know what life after marriage would be. I am a girl with absolutely no achievement and am not proud of anything in my life. My parents are disappointed in me but they never show. What should I do? Pls do not disclose this
Ans:

Dear JV,

It’s possibly the incident that happened to you (which I understand that you haven’t shared here) is preventing you from having a fulfilling life.

I can only say that the incident happened in the past, but you are living it even now.

You were a victim in that incident, but to continue to play the victim even now is to give your power away.

How can you be happy by giving your inner power away every day and every moment?

Reclaim your life.

What’s happened can be blurred by moving away from that incident and reminding yourself that you are far away from the past and in the NOW.

  • Be grateful to what you have in the present
  • Make a list of your strengths
  • Write down your goal clearly by stating by when you want to achieve it

Remember bringing your past into the current time robs you of any goodness; professionally or personally.

So, to see something change, change the way you feel about your past.

Step out of the victim mode and become a person who has the power to change things at will.

I am sure you want to see how this pans out for you.

So, what are you waiting for? Step up and bring that newness of thought into your life.
All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 02, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 28, 2023Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi. Keep me anonymous. I'm in mid 40s. All my life I m a confused guy with regards to everything. Never married. Never had any love affair. I consider speaking to ladies, proposing them, love making as demeaning and bad. But occasionally I feel lonely, driven by natural human desire to love and to be loved. I have always had a desire to marry and and an equal desire to not marry. I however like more of non married life. And never , not even in dreams like making adjustments which may be required in a married life. My way is always Highway. Wt do you suggest or think in this case?? Not that I accept other's suggestions.
Ans: It's perfectly okay to have different desires and preferences when it comes to relationships and marriage. People have diverse perspectives on these matters, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to life. What matters most is that you understand and accept your feelings and choices.

If you feel content and happy with your non-married life and prefer to live independently without making adjustments for a partner, that is entirely valid. Some individuals find fulfillment and satisfaction in singlehood, and that is absolutely fine. Not everyone feels the need to pursue romantic relationships or marriage, and that doesn't make you any less of a person.

However, if you occasionally feel lonely and desire love and companionship, that is also natural. It's okay to have moments of vulnerability and longing for emotional connection. You can explore ways to address these feelings without necessarily committing to a traditional romantic relationship or marriage. For example, you might consider building strong friendships or participating in social activities that allow you to connect with others on a meaningful level.

Ultimately, what matters most is that you embrace and understand yourself and your feelings. If you find contentment and fulfillment in your current lifestyle, there is no need to feel pressured to conform to societal expectations. It's crucial to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, regardless of external opinions or suggestions.

If you ever feel overwhelmed or conflicted about your feelings, talking to a counselor or therapist can be beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your thoughts and emotions and help you gain clarity about what you truly want in life.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to approach relationships or marriage. Each person's journey is unique, and the key is to be true to yourself and make choices that align with your values and bring you happiness.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 04, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu... Am 39 and single woman with no income. Not working. Dependent on family. Did my MBA . I don't know what's happening in my life. Donno what to decide and how. Where to start. When to start. What to start. Should I 1st start earning or get married. I lost all my life bcz of my negligence and family issues. Never had a happy n peaceful day in my life. Something or other will be in family n life. Am not strong enough to take bold decisions. And lead my life independently. I want my family to be happy. My mom and dad's is love marriage but they didn't have a best life so even we children never had happy moments. But mentally very much attached to family. Can't live without them. What should I do? Am interested in marriage but alliance have huge demands and now am aged. People think am not good looking so I didn't get any proposal. I don't believe in love eventually I never supported love marriage of my friends and cousins. Ofcourse they are having best life. Now I feel alone.. I want to earn my bread. I want a family. I want to be married and enjoy family life too... Please help...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Life and it's highs and lows are what makes us, breaks us and then makes us back again.
It is okay to be confused BUT it is not okay to wander about without making a decision which only leads to believe that life is hard.
What are the things that you have been wandering about?
- Marriage or being in a relationship
- Becoming financially independent
- Putting your degree to good use
- Stepping beyond home and family to create a life

Now, you have begun to think of it and maybe it frustrates you that it's too late. But better now than never...
Push your boundaries and first do something that can give you a WIN. That will boost you to take on challenges in every area of your life that you have possibly been avoiding.
No life or nothing is created or built without challenges.

The key question for you is: Have I been avoiding failure which is the reason for me to wander and not make a few decisions that would have helped me?
Start somewhere and a WIN in an area that you have control over, is what I suggest you start at...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |505 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi, I am 30 years old not married & now my parents are forcing me to get married. I think i am good looking guy. It's not like i have never been with girls. I have had brief flings with multiple girls. And there was one girl whom i was in a platonic relationship with with lot of emotional sharing & have spent a lot of time with her. The same goes with another girl. Both of them have told me that i have been pretty cool & girls would like me to be their bf or husband. But i am not able to accept anyone because of the guilt that of my past that i never had a relationship. Never been able to tell anyone that i had a gf. I know this is wrong to compare my life but i can't stop thinking that way. Can you tell me what to do? Like a contsant regret of not having a very steamy cool fancy relationship from outside. I know relationships have it's own ups & downs. But this guilt is killing me that i missed out lot of things in life & if get married in an arranged marriage i would feel myself to be a looser who couldn't even find a girl on his own. Though i know all of these comparisons are wrong & i should be rational. I am not able to help it. Please help me out
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Whatever you are feeling, it is very normal. More people than you could imagine go through this same phase. But as you mentioned, these are just thoughts; there is no truth to them. Not having a relationship does not make you uncool. It merely means that you did not meet your perfect match yet. I understand that you feel like you have missed out on something and that feeling is valid. It might not be reasonable, but it's very natural to think this way. I can suggest one thing- why don't you try a dating or matchmaking app to find your own partner? That way, you will be keeping your parents' wishes and won't let yourself down either. It will also give you more control over choosing your life partner.

Hope this helps.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |868 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 17, 2025

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4056 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jan 17, 2025

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 17, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Then doctor asked her why she stopped and what I said, my wife said that he is asking for female staff and doctor said “I am a doctor and I am not having female staff and there is nothing male and female in doctor’s consultation” my wife got convinced and told me that we are continuing with this doctor and I also shaked my head as consent sign but not aware with the upcoming surprise and then she open her upper body part and doctor did the check up by pressing or whatever doctor does. And I was not ready for this So, I am still in trauma due to this, but I don’t want her to show her body to any male doctor. That picture comes again and again in my eyes. I don’t want to break my relation with wife, because we married 20 years before and we have 2 daughter and I love her too much. But she has disobeyed me and obeyed that doctor. I am in a trauma. What should I do to come out of this trauma. Please let me know.
Ans: To address your trauma, start by having an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings. Express your emotions calmly, without blame, so she can understand the depth of your discomfort and help you work through it. It's also crucial to recognize that trust and mutual respect are fundamental in any relationship. Your wife’s decision was likely driven by her need for medical care, not a desire to hurt or disobey you.

Consider seeking professional help for yourself. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings, work through the trauma, and develop strategies to cope with intrusive thoughts. They can also help you understand the importance of medical privacy and the necessity of certain procedures, which may ease your discomfort over time.

Additionally, you might want to explore couples counseling. This can help both of you navigate this situation together, rebuild trust, and strengthen your relationship. Remember, your goal is to maintain a loving and supportive partnership, and professional guidance can be instrumental in achieving that.

Your love for your wife and your desire to keep the relationship strong is evident. By addressing these feelings head-on and seeking support, you can move towards healing and maintaining the bond you cherish.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7548 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 17, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I'm 35 years old. I want to invest INR 65000 for retirement at 50 years old. My current expenses 65000 per month. Please guide me.
Ans: Retiring at 50 with your current lifestyle requires a carefully crafted investment strategy. Here’s a detailed guide tailored to your goal.

Step 1: Define Retirement Corpus Requirement
Current Monthly Expenses: Rs. 65,000.
Inflation Adjustment: At 6% inflation, your expenses will increase significantly by 50.
Retirement Corpus: The corpus must sustain you for at least 30+ years post-retirement.
Lifestyle Goals: Include travel, medical emergencies, and aspirational expenses in calculations.
Step 2: Asset Allocation Strategy
A balanced mix of equity and debt instruments can help grow your wealth steadily while minimizing risks.

1. Equity Mutual Funds (70% Allocation)
Why Equity? High growth potential to beat inflation over the long term.
Recommended Categories: Flexi-cap, mid-cap, and large-cap funds.
SIP/Investable Amount: Invest Rs. 45,500 monthly in equity mutual funds.
2. Debt Instruments (30% Allocation)
Why Debt? Stability and regular income during volatile markets.
Recommended Options: PPF, short-term debt mutual funds, or NPS (Tier I).
SIP/Investable Amount: Allocate Rs. 19,500 monthly.
Step 3: Include Inflation Protection
Inflation reduces the value of money significantly over time.
Your retirement corpus should grow faster than the inflation rate.
Equity exposure helps overcome inflation impacts effectively.
Step 4: Ensure Tax Efficiency
1. Equity Mutual Funds
Tax Rules: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.
Action Plan: Use annual redemption to manage gains below taxable limits.
2. PPF and NPS
Tax Benefits: Both offer tax-saving benefits under Section 80C.
Lock-in Period: Ensure alignment with your retirement timeline.
Step 5: Emergency Fund Creation
Build an emergency fund equivalent to 12 months’ expenses (Rs. 7.8 lakh).
Park it in liquid funds or a high-yield savings account for quick access.
Step 6: Health and Risk Coverage
Health Insurance: Ensure adequate coverage to avoid depleting investments during medical emergencies.
Life Insurance: Use a term plan to secure your dependents until you achieve your retirement goal.
Step 7: Regular Portfolio Reviews
Review your portfolio every six months.
Rebalance based on performance, changing goals, and market conditions.
Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner for optimized asset allocation.
Step 8: Additional Recommendations
Avoid Real Estate: Illiquid and high transaction costs make it unsuitable for your timeline.
Avoid Direct Investments: Opt for regular plans via mutual fund distributors guided by a CFP.
Diversify Investments: Explore international mutual funds for added growth.
Step 9: Incremental Contributions
Increase your SIP amount annually by 10-15% to align with income growth.
This ensures your corpus grows significantly over time.
Finally
Achieving financial independence by 50 is ambitious but achievable. Consistency in investments, inflation-adjusted growth, and regular reviews are critical. Focus on disciplined execution of the outlined plan for a secure and fulfilling retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x