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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2023Hindi
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I got married in the year 2013 and it was an arranged marriage planned by my parents. I have only one sister who got married in the year 2012. My wife has some issues with my mother and my sister few months after I got married. The primary issue was that my mother and my sister do back biting about her on mobile phone. Although I always denied it and asked my wife to don't focus too much on it. However, last year my wife got call recordings from my mother's phone where my sister was talking meanly about my wife which even I did not like it. I called my wife and brother in law to my place to resolve the differences and it resulted in a better relationship. We recently moved to our newly built house and on the day of the function, my wife saw from a distance my mother and my sister talking to each other in a low tone. She thought they were again talking about her and she got angry. However, my mother denied it and said they were talking about some other issues. My sister came to our place few days after the function and my wife did not talk properly with her. That made my mother angry and she in turn did not talk well with my mother in law who came to our house just recently. Now my wife and mother don't talk to each other and the vibes are quite bad when I enter the house. What can I do to make these complex relations work better?

Ans: What you could have done when you got married was move into your own home. Instead, when you got the chance to move to a new residence, you opted to live with your parents yet again! This ridiculous patriarchal mentality of a woman having to adjust to her husband’s whole family is the cause of most marital strife! You want things to improve, put some distance between them and move out! Ever heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

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I’m 39 male, married for last 10 years and have 2 kids. We were in a relationship and got married I love my wife and she also loves me a lot. We live in a joint family with my two elder sisters. One of my sisters got married in 2012 and got divorced. She lives with me and my other sister got married 4 years ago. She lives with her husband in the same house. We have a big bungalow. My 2nd sister’s husband’s house is very small and my sister doesn't want to live there that's why she lives in the same house with me. The problem is my wife doesn't want to live there with my sister. She always asks why your sister is not going to her husband’s house? Why is she living here? They don't like each other. They talk to each other for the sake of formality. I told my sister to go and live with her husband's house but she says 'I don't want to live there with their family; I will live here. This is my parents’ house.'Because of this I don't talk to her too much. My wife says I don't want to live here with them, let us stay in another house. But I cannot afford another home. I tell my wife that stay here because we cannot afford another home. This is our home. But she does not understand and we fight every week about this. I am stuck and cannot focus on my work because of this. Pls suggest what should I do?
Ans:

Dear C,

It’s a small crowd that you are all living in.

Too many people in one home can have its highs and lows. Privacy can be invaded and too many interferences from family members can cause a crack in the marriage.

Having said this, I do empathize with the fact that affordability of another home is an issue here.

So, have you tried getting back to the drawing board, bringing in all the members together and literally asking them to throw all that they have for and against one another.

If not, please initiate this. Simply explaining to your wife isn’t going to solve the problem.

If so many of you live under one roof, then it becomes everyone’s responsibility to pool in physically, financially and emotionally.

Your 2nd sister cannot cite reasons that she doesn’t want to live at her husband’s home. If she lives with you, how is she contributing to the home?

These are things that must be ironed out sooner than later. So, what are you waiting for?

Plunge in, bring everyone into the ring, talk, delegate responsibilities and ask them how they would like to contribute and share.

This will also allow your wife a feeling that you care, but that she needs to know your financial situation as well.

All the best!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 08, 2024Hindi
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My wife got posted in distant place 10 years back. I had to ask for help from my inlaws as our child was very young. They started to live with her. After 1 year she got transferred back to the place where I was living. She got a flat from the company and we started to live together. Since then my inlaws are also staying with us. They purchased another flat nearby but are not willing to move there. Now, the problem is that whenever me and my wife have a quarrel she just stops talking and starts to take decisions in consultation with my inlaws. I am completely out of the loop in these circumstances. Over the years my relationship with inlaws has gone sour and quarrels with wife have been lasting longer (upto 2 months). My inlaws are otherwise well behaved but their presence somehow is hindering the process of natural reconciliation between me and my spouse or I am perceiving the situation incorrectly. Please guide
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What you all have done is jumped impulsively into one situation, made it comfortable asking people to help and then jumped back into the original situation and not knowing how to ask the same people to stay away!
Your wife has to grow out of her parents being around and you have to understand that your in-laws have got used to stepping in while you were away.
It's about time that you and your wife had a mature conversation on how to manage your family yourselves and be responsible for raising your child. But do remember to deal with your in-laws carefully. After all, they gracefully kept their lives on hold to help your wife and your child. Without hurting their sentiments, you are going to have to convey to them that you are thankful for what they have done for you BUT now you would like to be there for your family. Initially, this will hurt them and your wife, but anymore of this game will pull you and wife away from one another. So, they do need to move out...
You are not cutting strings but simply loosening the grip it currently has which is unhealthy for your marriage. Hope that your wife also understands this which means she will put you to test and in her mind or vocally compare what you bring to the table and how her parents supported her. Bear with it and as the two of you work together in putting the family back together, she will eventually understand that this is for the best.

All the best!

..Read more

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 12, 2025

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Dear Kanchan .. Generally it happens to me, when I have to attend any hearing before courts/ Tribunal, I become more stressed till the hearing is completed. Please suggest
Ans: It’s entirely normal to feel stressed before court or tribunal hearings. These situations can be intimidating, and the anticipation of the unknown adds to the anxiety. But it’s crucial to manage this stress to ensure you perform at your best and protect your mental well-being.

Start by preparing thoroughly for the hearing. The more you know about the case, the arguments, and the possible questions, the more confident you’ll feel. Practice your statements or answers, perhaps with a colleague or in front of a mirror. Visualization can also be powerful—imagine yourself confidently presenting your case and everything going smoothly.

On the day of the hearing, use deep breathing techniques to calm your nerves. Inhale slowly through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale through your mouth. Repeat this several times to reduce anxiety. Positive affirmations can also help. Remind yourself that you are well-prepared and capable of handling the situation.

If the stress is overwhelming, consider grounding exercises, such as focusing on your five senses—what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell at the moment. This can help anchor you in the present and prevent your mind from spiraling into worst-case scenarios.

After the hearing, practice self-care. Engage in activities that help you relax, like a walk, listening to music, or talking to someone you trust. If this anxiety persists or intensifies, seeking support from a mental health professional can help you develop more personalized coping strategies.

I

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2025Hindi
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My boyfriend is of a complete different religion and caste as mine. We met at work. In my past i have had only one relationship in which i got cheated on....so was skeptical on dating again. Now its been 8 months in this new relationship where he convinced me to give a try. He's a gem of a person but now he is telling melive in the present i dont know about the future. I love you n want to date you but idk about the future if my family wants me with someone i may have to end this. What do i do i am so attached for he has given me all the love n care. Please help
Ans: Right now, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. If you’re looking for a committed future and he’s unsure, it’s essential to recognize that this uncertainty may continue to cause you pain. If you choose to stay, prepare yourself for the possibility that his family might influence his decision, and it could end in heartbreak. On the other hand, if you feel that the love and care he’s giving you right now are worth the risk, then decide to cherish the present moment while being mentally prepared for whatever may come.

Have an open and heartfelt conversation with him. Let him know how his uncertainty makes you feel, without pressuring him for a commitment. This isn’t about forcing him to decide but about understanding each other’s emotional needs and boundaries. If he truly values the relationship, this conversation might give him a deeper perspective on how his indecision affects you.

It’s important to protect your emotional well-being. If his stance remains the same and you find yourself growing more anxious and hurt by the uncertainty, then you might have to consider whether staying is good for your mental and emotional health. Sometimes letting go, even when it hurts, is the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |538 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 12, 2025Hindi
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My wife 55 is unable to cope up with death of our elder son aged 27 around 2 yrs ago and is always in deep regress remorse uninterested in any daily chores including sex. I wish to move on .. Suggest way out...
Ans: Two years might seem like a long time, but grief doesn’t follow a timeline. For some, it can take much longer to even begin the process of healing, especially when it involves the loss of a child. It’s not unusual for grief to cause a complete shutdown, and that’s likely what’s happening with your wife. She’s stuck in a cycle of regret and remorse, unable to find a way out.

While you also carry the weight of this loss, your need to move forward is natural. It’s crucial to understand that wanting to heal and live again doesn’t mean you’re forgetting or dishonoring your son. It simply means you’re choosing life amidst the pain. The challenge is to find a way to do that without feeling guilty and without leaving your wife behind.

Encouraging her to seek professional help, such as grief counseling or therapy, could be a significant step. If she’s resistant, consider starting therapy for yourself first. Sometimes when one partner begins to heal, it opens the door for the other to consider healing too. Couples grief counseling could also provide a safe space for both of you to express your pain and find a way forward together.

Patience and understanding are crucial, but so is communication. Gently express to her how much you miss her presence and how you’re struggling too. Let her know you want to find a way to live again while still honoring your son’s memory.

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Yogendra Arora  |5 Answers  |Ask -

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Asked by Anonymous - Feb 11, 2025Hindi
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Hey, I am a freelance graphic designer based in Mumbai. I’m 40 and I've recently transitioned from a full-time job to freelancing, and I’m struggling to understand how to manage taxes on my variable income. My annual earnings are 8-15LPA approx. Are there any deductions specific to freelancers? Also, how should I plan for quarterly tax payments?
Ans: hi,
for this particular financial year you will be taxed under 2 heads ,1st under salaries for the period you were in job & for remaining part you will be taxed as business income being started freelancing work.

And for freelancers there is no any specific dedutions however all deductions available to all others are available to freelancers like 80C to 80G.

For calculation of taxation of freelancing period you should record all your receipts & expenses (only related to work, no any personal expenses) details with proper documentary evidences specially for expenses part, net of the (receipts & expenses) will be your income however you can opt for presumptive taxation also.

For Advance payment :-
if tax applicable to you during the finanical year as per calculations exceeds Rs 10000, then your have to pay advance tax quarterly as below
on or before 15th june :- minimum 15% or more of tax amount.
on or before 15th september :- minimum 45% or more of tax amount.
on or before 15th December :- minimum 75% or more of tax amount.
on or before 15th March :- full 100% tax payable as per calculations.
Happy to help.
Thanks.

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