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Divorcee seeking new family: When is the right time?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1645 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 05, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 04, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Guru, My childhood wasn't happy and neither my marriage was. Thought we are divorced we are still friendly. How long one should wait to start thinking of family after a divorce? What are the criteria to be considered?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
By starting a family, what exactly do you mean? Is it another relationship? Is it expanding the family through adoption? I don't understand. Kindly clarify...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 05, 2024 | Answered on Dec 06, 2024
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Anuji, I wanted to know when to accept a new proposal or what should I look for in a new relationship?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you feel completely healed and ready from your previous relationship, and you seek the next relationship not as an escape from loneliness and it's based solely on wanting to share a life with a life partner, then by all means go ahead.

What to look for in a new relationship:
- Be open-minded to appreciate similarities and respect differences
- If he/she is also coming from a failed marriage, do make sure that they have healed from it; you don't want to become their therapist rather than a spouse
- If the person has children, do talk about how the two of you are going to adapt to it
- If the person is single and never married, you do have work in terms of being honest about what you thought went wrong in your past marriage and how you intend to grow through it
- And of course, always makes sure that your value systems on finances, long-term growth, work, relationships, children align mostly

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1645 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 31, 2023

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Relationship
Madam, I'm 52 year old, with 20 years of married life. Have one daughter, 18 and one son, 15. I'm well earning government employee. My wife is also post-graduate. However, after marriage, she put half- hearted efforts to get govt job, but didn't succeed. She was never interested to live at different places for the sake of job and also wanted equal rank job. At that time, I didn't realize that she might be comparing with me. Any way, I was fine with any of her decisions. Later she told thatnshe wants to focus on children only. But, after 4-5 years, she started hating my all family members. While they are staying almost 1000 kms away, and except on few occasions, they never asked any help from me. Since last 10 years, she stopped talking to any of them. She doesn't allow my children to visit my native place and meet my family members, even during any marriages or function. My family members or friends aren't welcome at my home. Even after accepting all these nonsense behaviour, she never remains happy. She keeps passing sarcastic comments. She willn't dress nicely. Remains busy in watching movies/webseries on laptop. Many times, our arguments in the past turned to physical also. How long can I tolerate abuse for my family members? All such situations created toxic environment at home. Both of my children were sharp and intelligent, but now they are showing depressive symptoms. I'm not able to focus on my work and affected my personalty and performances. She wants no frills attached to me. In such case, she should have married to any orphan. She neither wants to meet any one for counselling. Now, I also snapped all relations with her family members. But looks, all the doors are also closed for me. I'm feeling suffocated. I neither leave her nor leave the world, as I love my children and my reputations. Kindly suggest the way out.
Ans: Dear Ramesh,
What it seems like to me from what you have shared is: a case of lost identity!
She has been struggling to find her acceptable place in her own eyes for herself.
In simple terms, she is not happy with the decisions that she has made in life and now chooses to complain about it by pushing people away.
Does this happen to others as well? Oh, YES!
When we have the desire to do something and then we suppress it with an excuse of taking care of the family etc, one fine day in the future, it comes back to haunt us.
In all likelihood, your wife might have done the same thing...I can only assume as from what you have shared, there is nothing else that seems to be the matter.

Now, because it has begun to affect the children, you have woken up but this has been going on with her for a while. Support her thoughts but not the behaviour that impacts everyone around. Give her an assurance that is she chooses to do something professionally, you will be there for her!

The key is not to give her solutions (that will bring down her self-esteem even lower) but to nudge her into thinking about doing something other than care for the family. Point her in a direction without being eager for her to take the bait. These things take time and the state of mind that she has now, if you push her, she will only resist. It's almost like teaching a child to walk or write for the first time. You don't walk for them but nudge them and wait for them to pick up at their own pace and praise them when they take those first baby steps. Get the drift, here? All this 'displeasure' with family members is only her way of complaining about her mind struggles.
Also, your children are old enough to support you through this journey as well. So seek their help on this.


Best wishes and it's nice to know that you still care and want to do something for her.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1645 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2023

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Relationship
Hello Anu Ji, Thanks for giving Your valuable time and Precious advice & feedback on my Question. I have no words to express my feeling that after so long somebody tried to understand me & my POV and above all helping in raising my moral & recognizing my ability in this messy and confusing state of mind. In your response you ask me to introspect few questions and tell u honestly I did that in alone . In those answer few were as clear as Crystal. But few of them confused me. I will be mentioning what u asked me to asked myself ……and what I have answer for that Questions. 1. - how will I keep my relationship with my daughter after my marriage? Answer :As in my divorce settlement she will be staying with her mother and since Nov2016 I have not seen her and not knowing nothing about her But praying to the almighty for the wellbeing for here all the time. 2. - am I carrying any fear/anger from the previous marriage? Answer: Yes, it is. There is lot anger, frustration which I have buried in the grave yard of my Heart . but the soul is still alive. its really very easy in words to say “MOVE ON”, try to forget the past , Forgive the person …. Let the karma do its course. It’s not easy ,when a person’s life has change 360degree.Madam ,since 2010 to 2017, I had face so much , u can’t imagine and I wouldn’t be able to describe. Those 8 yrs. are hell for me and for my parents. U know the saddest Part of this separation is who suffer the most after me is my Daughter . She & myself is and will be missing each other as Father &Daughter. After my divorce in 2017 , I have moved on so long in my life but there is something which dragging me back. 3. am I completely ready to commit to a marriage? Answer : this is the question which is annoying me, I’m not able figure it out . About my commitment , yes I am very much clear about this , I was, am & will be committed , to my relationship. But I have Trust issue’s. Right now I can say this only . Getting Married is just settling down in life is the core issue presently in my life ,not pleasing someone. I am not in that state of mind to please anybody as I am already seeking help to be Happy and in the search of the happiness which I lost .U know Time is great healer…….. & heal the biggest of the biggest wounds………but in the end leave with scar on ur mind for rest of the life . In the end , I would say I have a lot to share , lot to discuss , but there are some constraints. Hoping that ……I may have able to give You my POV to understand my current state of mind . Thanks R@@J
Ans: Dear Raaj,
Thank you for reaching out again.
You seem to have done your bit to reflect deeper which is amazing. Yet, with my experience of working with people on relationships, I can tell you one thing...
Never get into a relationship till you find the heart to trust again as trust is the only thing that will keep any relationship strong and that will happen only after the ANGER eases into something more useful. Is this possible, YES! Kindly seek the help of a professional who will help with this inner work on releasing anger and building trust. This person will be able to fathom your POV and guide you aptly.
Remember, the next person who you are seeking to engage with, will expect a person who trusts and loves; so, that's why heal from one before you get into another relationship. I am sure you understand this well.

All the best!

..Read more

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |8853 Answers  |Ask -

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I have joined SRM Ramapuram CSE with though the fees is too high ( 4.65L ) but people are hating SRM too much which is making me rethink my decision , will I get a good ROI & good clg exposure for debates public speaking internships & so on ?
Ans: Sameera, SRM Institute of Science and Technology, Ramapuram, holds NAAC A++ accreditation and NBA accreditation for its Computer Science & Engineering programme through 2026, ensuring adherence to national quality standards. The CSE department houses over 47 specialized labs in AI/ML, cybersecurity and cloud computing, supported by PhD-qualified faculty and an International Advisory Board with members from institutions like MIT and Cambridge, which guides curriculum development. Recent placement drives recorded marquee recruiters such as Amazon, Adobe, Morgan Stanley and JP Morgan, with 46 super-dream offers and 507 dream offers for the CSE Class of 2025, reflecting a 75–80% placement rate in core roles for CSE graduates. Student life features active debate and MUN fests—over 165 debate participants in RMUN Debate Fest ’24—and a Google Developer Student Club with hackathons, tech talks and solution challenges, alongside the IIE Innovation, Incubation & Entrepreneurship Centre that has incubated 46 student startups since 2019. The ?4.65 L annual fee can strain budgets, and large batch sizes heighten competition for top recruiters; to mitigate these, students should engage early in campus clubs, pursue internships via the Training & Placement Cell, undertake personal coding and research projects, and leverage mentorship programmes to build standout profiles.

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Enrolling in SRM Ramapuram’s CSE is likely to yield positive ROI through strong accreditation, reputable recruiters and vibrant extracurricular platforms; proactively offset large-batch competition by securing summer internships, contributing to student-driven innovation centres and enhancing soft skills via debate and public-speaking workshops for maximal exposure and employability. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

Follow RediffGURUS to Know More on 'Careers | Money | Health | Relationships'.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |9749 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 11, 2025Hindi
Money
Hi, I am 41, salaried with 2 kids (elder one in 8th standard and younger one in Nursery) and earning 2.5 Lakh per month from private IT job. I have 4 dependents including spouse and mother. I have approx. 70 lakhs savings so far in different savings account, but no FD. Around 33 Lakhs in EPF and approx 10 L in PPF (1.5 LPA). A 100sq yard empty plot in rural area worth 15 Lakh (approx 12 km away from current address in Faridabad and school bus facility is not available there). I have paternal small agriculture land in Meerut, approx. 900 sq yard. No other savings or assets. I wanted to buy residential property in urban area but it seems out of reach now and I do not see any value in spending all my savings in small 2 bhk apartment. Here are my monthly expenses - 28K rent related - 20k school fee and tutions - 15k monthly grocery - 2k internet (for tv and home office) - 10k car petrol (3 days weekly office travel to Noida- metro takes additional half an hour to reach office due to indirect connectivity) - around 30k in quarter for family entertainment and other purchases - giving 6K every month to wife and mother for their personal expenses (total 12 k) - additional mediclaim of 27k per month, 50 L SI - free company mediclaim of 10L SI - free company insurance of 50L , but no person insurance I am interested in buying agricultural land of 30 Lakh in my father's village but my lunch has not been great in property investments so far (no gain, just loss). So, I am confused and just trying to save money in bank accounts for my kids. Shall I buy apartment or it's fine to stay in rental property for long time? For unplanned retirement, I can get my rural plot constructed for emergency, right? I believe investment in agriculture land will be better rather than buying apartment or something else. But I get this thought from time to time that I am on a rented property, not my own. Then I think its better to do FD of 70 Lakh and enjoy the interest for easy worry free life. Please share some advise what shall I do to save money safely and wisely.
Ans: You are 41, earning Rs?2.5?lakhs per month with spouse, mother, and two school-aged children. You have Rs?70?lakhs in savings, plus Rs?43?lakhs in EPF/PPF. You also own rural plots but no urban home. You have recurring rent and family expenses. Let’s take a clear 360?degree look at your situation and chart a reliable path forward.

? Clarify Your Goals and Timelines
– Monthly rent, kids’ education, retirement, and own home are key goals.
– Rank them by importance and by when funds are needed.
– Own home may take 5–7 years; education is nearer.

A clear goal list helps choose right investments and timeline.

? Analyse Monthly Cash Flow
– Rent: Rs?28k
– School & tuition: Rs?20k
– Groceries: Rs?15k
– Internet: Rs?2k
– Petrol: Rs?10k
– Entertainment: ~Rs?10k
– Personal allowances: Rs?12k
– Mediclaim premium: Rs?27k

Total: ~Rs?1.24?lakhs (excludes utilities/savings).

This leaves ~Rs?1.26?lakhs per month for investment, savings, and discretionary spending.

? Emergency Fund Status
– You hold Rs?70?lakhs, but none in liquid safety.
– Ideal emergency buffer is 6–12 months of household expenses.
– That is approx Rs?8–10?lakhs.
– Keep this in liquid or ultra?short term mutual funds.

? Deploy Savings Efficiently
– Don’t leave Rs?70?lakhs idle in savings; returns are very low.
– Distribute across safety, medium, and growth buckets:

Safety: Rs?10?lakhs in liquid funds

Medium-term: Rs?15?lakhs in short/mid?duration debt funds

Long-term growth: Remaining Rs?45?lakhs into equity-oriented mutual funds

This ensures extended stability, goal funding, and growth.

? Children’s Education Planning
– Elder is in 8th grade; younger is in nursery.
– Education expenses escalate in higher studies.
– Estimate combined future costs in the next 5–10 years.
– Create dedicated monthly SIPs for each child.

Child?1 goal requires medium?term growth

Child?2 goal allows longer horizon (10–12 years)

Use actively managed equity funds so fund managers adjust with market cycles.

? Own Home vs Renting
– Urban home is out of reach now; better to continue renting.
– Renting gives flexibility, less maintenance burden.
– Apartment purchase may overextend your savings and impact education/retirement.

Renting stays fine until you have 30–40% home cost in savings, plus surplus for education.

? Estate and Construction Plan
– You mentioned constructing on rural plot as emergency fallback.
– Building on rural land may draw permission and utility challenges.
– Also, it may tie up capital and reduce liquidity.

Better to rely on liquid savings for emergency housing needs.

? Agricultural Land Investment
– Farming land may provide future value but no income now.
– It also isn’t liquid or usable immediately.
– Income from land is uncertain.

Its value isn’t clear and is hard to monetize. It's better held alongside diversified financial investments.

? Asset Allocation for Growth
– Equity funds offer potential to beat inflation.
– Debt funds offer stability for medium-term goals.
– EPF/PPF are safe pillars.

Your mix now: 45% growth (equity), 35% stability (debt and PPF/EPF), 20% liquidity.

Rebalance each year towards target mix.

? Importance of Actively Managed Funds
– Index funds track markets rigidly.
– They can underperform in downturns or miss themes.
– Actively managed funds adapt sector exposures.
– Managers can protect downside and pursue growth themes.

Especially useful when funding education, retirement, or home purchase.

? Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
– Direct funds save small fees but give zero guidance.
– Regular funds via Certified Financial Planner provide expert support, emotional discipline, and rebalancing advice.
– This guidance is valuable over decades.

? EPF and PPF Overview
– EPF continues via salary deductions; it's safe and grows.
– PPF offers tax?free return and can complement retirement corpus.
– Let EPF and PPF run until maturity.
– Use rising savings (house, investment) to balance with more equity.

? Retirement Planning Next Steps
– You still have ~19 years until retirement at 60.
– Required corpus must support spouse and children during and after your life.
– Start separate SIP of Rs?25–30k monthly into diversified equity funds.
– This stream builds a long?term corpus for retirement.

? Tax Planning Strategy
– EPF contributions offer 80C deduction.
– PPF contributions also qualify under 80C.
– SIP in ELSS (if used) gives tax deduction but has 3?year lock?in.
– Equity withdrawals: LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%; STCG at 20%.
– Debt fund gains are taxed per your slab.

Plan investment and withdrawal timing to optimise taxes per year.

? Insurance Coverage Check
– Company offers free mediclaim 50L and life insurance 50L.
– You also spend Rs?27k monthly on additional cover.
– Re-evaluate premium if overlap exists.
– Take a separate pure term plan for yourself of 50–75L.
– Ensure your family has financial protection beyond employer policies.

? Monitoring and Review
– Schedule annual financial check-ins.
– Reassess goals, cash flow, investments, and insurance.
– Adjust contributions and asset allocations with life changes.
– A CFP will guide and correct behavioural biases.

? What to Avoid Now
– Avoid buying urban property now; it can stress your finances.
– Stay away from speculative farmland purchase.
– Avoid fixed deposits for large sums; returns are low.
– Don’t chase short-term stock tips or side income schemes.

Stick to a disciplined savings and investment approach.

? Summary of Key Actions
– Keep Rs?10?lakhs liquid as emergency fund.
– Allocate Rs?15?lakhs in debt funds for medium goals.
– Invest Rs?45?lakhs via SIPs in equity funds for long goals.
– Start separate SIPs:

Child education

Home purchase

Retirement corpus (~Rs?25–30k monthly)
– Buy individual term life cover and optimise mediclaim.
– Review portfolio every year with a CFP.

This gives goal clarity, financial safety, and growth potential.

? Finally
– You have stable income and significant savings.
– Owning a home is not mandatory now; renting is fine.
– Keep farmland, but don’t invest more.
– Financial assets are more flexible, safe and growth-oriented.
– Build multiple SIPs aligned to specific goals.
– Use actively managed, regular plan mutual funds.
– Protect yourself and dependents with term and health cover.
– Monitor and adjust the plan every year.

This 360?degree strategy helps your family stay secure and grow wealth.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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