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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |405 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I got married three months ago, during courtship period my ex was in my office but then my marriage wasn't fixed properly ,when it got yeses from both the side I changed my office,but I couldn't tell this to my husband and also I lied about my virginity,he was also not virgin and after marriage I confessed all this ,now he is not forgiving me for my dishonesty and not letting me come home also he abuse me verbally ,slapped me..I also feel like cheated for not letting me know this side of him before marriage..How should I go ahead?

Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your new marriage. It's concerning to hear that you're experiencing verbal abuse and physical violence from your husband. No one deserves to be treated this way, and it's important to prioritize your safety and well-being.

First and foremost, if you are in immediate danger or feel unsafe, please reach out to local authorities or a trusted friend or family member for support. Your safety is paramount.

In terms of next steps, it's essential to seek support and assistance from professionals who can help you navigate this situation. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships and domestic violence. They can provide you with guidance, support, and resources to help you make informed decisions about your next steps.

Additionally, you may want to consider reaching out to organizations or hotlines that specialize in supporting individuals experiencing domestic violence. They can offer confidential support, safety planning, and resources to help you leave the abusive situation and rebuild your life.

It's also crucial to recognize that you are not responsible for your husband's abusive behavior, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect in your marriage. If your husband is unwilling to seek help or change his behavior, it may be necessary to consider your options for leaving the relationship to ensure your safety and well-being.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging, but you don't have to face it alone. There are people and resources available to support you every step of the way. Please prioritize your safety and take steps to protect yourself from further harm. You deserve to live a life free from abuse and violence.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |405 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 18, 2023

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Relationship
Hello my my husband always cheated on me he always flirt to another girls only for the intension to sleep with them and now 10 days ago he was stay one night in hotel with another girl when I was not in home my marriage is 4 years till and have one daughter I m completely broken plz guide me
Ans: Dear Richa

I am sorry to hear about what you're going through in your marriage. Infidelity is a very painful experience and it's completely understandable that you are feeling broken right now. my first suggestion would be to prioritise your own self-care and emotional well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your emotions, cope with the pain of infidelity, and develop a plan for moving forward.

In terms of your marriage, it's important to remember that the decision of what to do next is ultimately up to you. It's common for people to feel a range of emotions following infidelity, such as anger, sadness, confusion, and a sense of betrayal. If you do decide to stay in the marriage, it may be helpful to seek out couples therapy or marriage counseling in order to address the underlying issues that contributed to your husband's infidelity and to work on rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship.

However, it's also important to consider whether staying in the marriage is truly in your best interests and those of your daughter. Infidelity can be a sign of deeper issues within a relationship, and it may be necessary to take some time to evaluate whether the relationship is truly healthy and fulfilling for you.

Regardless of what you decide, know that healing from infidelity is a process that takes time and effort. It's important to be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this difficult time in your life, and to remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected and valued.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2023

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Relationship
Hello, I am 41 year old professional. I had met my husband before marriage though social media 5 years back and thereafter maintaining distance relationship and meeting occasionally for 3 years we got married in 2021. It was a struggle for marriage as it was inter caste and inter religious marriage. Everything was smooth in relationship to the fact that I’m responsible for all financial matters as my husband has no job. He is still trying and looking for job. I didn’t mind much but would encourage him to get the job to be mentally and physically fit. Last year we went to his nephews marriage to his village. It was of 7 day programme. On second day I noticed him watching another women ( nephews mother’s sister who has 2 daughters) At that time I didn’t pay attention. After 2 days on a night function I saw my husband texting from far but he looked at that lady again. She also seemed to texting. I became suspicious. Later that night when he came to room I asked to show him his phone he was reluctant. I had to snatch his phone and I saw that he was texting the same lady and in that had asked her to meet her alone. and asking her where he can meet her. I gnashed cried and made a huge scene coz this was not what I had expected. He tried to convince that she was his girlfriend of past and suddenly after seeing her after sometime he only wanted to talk to her. I only asked her ... why alone? He had told me during dating that she had a girlfriend ( never told her identity) and that she has married and moved on. Feeling cheated I could not sleep but only cried that night and in the morning if we can return to our city. Programme had not finished but he agreed and we left. Since then that night and those days still haunt me ; thinking what didn’t I do to love him so much and in return we get cheated. I’m still with him, but mentally I still feel cheated and still am in doubt that he is in touch with her. I am not able to do my duties as part of my mind thinks he cheats me though I have confronted many times on this and he denies that he is not in touch with her Should I leave him or continue with this marriage? We still don’t have any baby.
Ans: Dear Vandana,
Clearly you are more into him than he is into you. Baby or no baby, he seems like someone who isn't going to be steady...what was the need to hide and plan a meeting and if the other lady has moved on, what is doing hanging around her?
And with no financial assurance and stability, he is only tuning his energies to external validation to 'up' his elf esteem...

Isn't it time you actually called him out for his wayward nature and his absolute reluctance to take on some responsibility in the marriage and home? The more you are quiet, the more he is going to feel that you are supporting this nonsense...call it out and NOW! And as for your state of mind, do know that you have it in you to hold your own...don't base you peace of mind on anything outside of you...

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 08, 2024

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Relationship
Hello, I am 41 year old professional. I had met my husband before marriage though social media 5 years back and thereafter maintaining distance relationship and meeting occasionally for 3 years we got married in 2021. It was a struggle for marriage as it was inter caste and inter religious marriage. Everything was smooth in relationship to the fact that I’m responsible for all financial matters as my husband has no job. He is still trying and looking for job. I didn’t mind much but would encourage him to get the job to be mentally and physically fit. Last year we went to his nephews marriage to his village. It was of 7 day programme. On second day I noticed him watching another women ( nephews mother’s sister who has 2 daughters) At that time I didn’t pay attention. After 2 days on a night function I saw my husband texting from far but he looked at that lady again. She also seemed to texting. I became suspicious. Later that night when he came to room I asked to show him his phone he was reluctant. I had to snatch his phone and I saw that he was texting the same lady and in that had asked her to meet her alone. and asking her where he can meet her. I gnashed cried and made a huge scene coz this was not what I had expected. He tried to convince that she was his girlfriend of past and suddenly after seeing her after sometime he only wanted to talk to her. I only asked her ... why alone? He had told me during dating that she had a girlfriend ( never told her identity) and that she has married and moved on. Feeling cheated I could not sleep but only cried that night and in the morning if we can return to our city. Programme had not finished but he agreed and we left. Since then that night and those days still haunt me ; thinking what didn’t I do to love him so much and in return we get cheated. I’m still with him, but mentally I still feel cheated and still am in doubt that he is in touch with her. I am not able to do my duties as part of my mind thinks he cheats me though I have confronted many times on this and he denies that he is not in touch with her Should I leave him or continue with this marriage? We still don’t have any baby.
Ans: Dear Vandana

I understand how heartbreaking it can be to find out your spouse is cheating. I would only tell you one thing- if the thought of leaving him has crossed your mind even once, it is worth sitting down and introspecting. If you happen to come to an understanding that separation would be what's best for you, have an open and clear discussion with your spouse. If he agrees to change his ways, you can give it another shot. But that's completely up to you. No one can force you to give him a second chance. As you said, you don't still have a child and it is best to come to a decision before there is a child in the equation. If your husband does not care about it and sticks to his behavior, there will remain not a shred of doubt that separation is the right choice. But before all of that, take a beat and think. Not from a place of anger and grudge. Calm yourself and think if you are reading too much into the situation or if is it actually as bad as it looks. It will be tough, but it is important because the rest of your life depends on it.

Best Wishes!

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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |138 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Oct 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024
Relationship
I am 23 year old. One of my ex who is married now told me about a job opportunity in his company where I applied and got selected he became my boss. He was recently married and was staying alone in Bangalore. He made alot of things easier for me, even arranged flight tickets, hotels for me from company's expenses. From first day I reached Mumbai he kept on saying me he loves me and has no intimacy with his wife it was a forced marriage and he can't live without me he came to check me at my hotel and he tried kissing me and when I resisted he said he has never touched his wife, it was his dream to loose his virginity with me only once he wants to have sex with me it was his dream I am his first love he can never be happy with that lady but this one moment will be enough to keep him happy and healthy convinced me to the level I gave up and we had sex that day. Later that day I got to know that he had clicked pictures of whatever happened. When I confronted him he said whenever he will miss me he will see this. I was like u did dis without my knowledge it's wrong without my permission. I left that company and Mumbai immediately in few days. I feel really bad, how I got into his words although I was single but I have a guilty of helping him in cheating his wife. Now he is having 2 children and a very happy mai life and I still keep blaming myself for having a thing with a married man and immense guilty for helping him cheating his wife. I have lost my mental peace. Is it all my fault??? It been 5 years since this things happened. I am happily married now and have no contact with that man but is it correct myself for it. Was it completely my fault. Have i cheated his wife or i myself got cheated by a liar?
Ans: 1. Was it your fault - 23 you are an adult, and someone who can take decisions, you decided to give in, allow him to take photographs - not about fault, but you gave consent
2. Have you got cheated by a liar - yes you did
3. Did you cheat his wife - he cheated his wife and you cheated yourself

Please make sure you BLOCK him from all social media handles, your phone number - surprised that you are still tracking him. And get out of your guilt and focus on your life.

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Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am a 25 year old girl. I have good job and happy career wise. I am in a relationship with a boy who is very career oriented, and runs from the marriage topic also. My parents are now behind to me to get married. I am also interested in getting married and settle in my. When I told my boyfriend about this. He gets furious. He don’t want to communicate with me on this. He don’t give any attention to my problem. He says if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done. Now everything is on me.I am very confused what to do. I can’t tell my parents about him, as he is not ready. I also have a fear, that this boy is not going to marry me, so am I leaving good boys which my parents are showing me. Am I already late...what if I don’t get anyone, will I have to compromise in my life If I will delay. Please help!!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let me start with the most important thing- you are far from late. You are only 25; I would say this is your time to focus on your career and live a little. But if you are ready for marriage, then that is great too. But do not ever think that it's too late. It isn't even a little late. If anything, in today's day and age, it's early.

Now coming to your boyfriend- have you ever asked him if he has any plans to get married or if he intends to continue this relationship without ever committing to marriage? It's important that you discuss this. And his dialogue, "if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done" doesn't make any sense because you can tell him the same. I suggest you speak to him openly and let him know that you want to get married- if not right now, but somewhere down the line you want marriage. If his intentions are not the same, he should let you know so that you can move on and find someone who shares the same outlook as you. And, to be honest, not paying attention to your problems is concerning. In a relationship, two people should help each other out in times of trouble.

Please have the talk and reconsider the relationship according to how it goes.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (27M) have recently started searching for prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I got connected with a Lady (25F) & we seemed to be getting along quite well, through chatting & phone calls. When we were planning to meet in person, for our first Date, she picked a place which is one of the most expensive ones in our City & just a single Date over there may cost us around ?10 Thousand. Though, I am earning pretty well (?30Lakh/Annum), I am reluctant to spend so much amount on our First Date, whilst we are still in the process of getting to know each other. If I'd been Married to her, I'd be willing to spend that much for celebrating our Wedding Anniversary. But this is just our First Date & I am not even sure whether we'd be getting Married or not. The Date is scheduled for next Month & I'm still in Dilemma, whether I should request her to meet up at a more affordable venue or ask her to split the expenses, equally or proportionate to our Earning (She earns just around ?6 Lakh/Annum). I'm afraid that being so Straight-forward & upfront about Money Matters, at this stage, might give her a negative impression about me. She seems to be having a lot of Materialistic Expectations from me, as I earn much more than her & she has been hinting me about her expectations such as Expensive Gifts & Vacations abroad. Even though I am a person who's very cautious & disciplined with Money, I'd be glad to spend generously, for the happiness of my Life Partner, but not at this stage, when we haven't even committed to each other. Please suggest me, how can I handle this situation without coming off as too miserly? Moreover, I'm also planning to discuss some important matters, such as how we'd be handling our Finances in the Future. But I am worried, whether it would be appropriate to bring up this matter, in our very first personal meet-up? I'm afraid that she might Judge me as too Money-minded & I might lose out on a suitable match. Please Help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns are completely valid. Splurging, especially at this stage, is unnecessary. Good connections can be built anywhere; expensive places play no part in it. Also, being disciplined about money is the right approach.

I understand that you are worried about coming off miserly, but you are not. You are merely being responsible. You can suggest another more affordable place and see how she reacts. If she is okay with it, then great. If not, then you should rethink this match. You don't want to marry someone who is in it for the money. Now, coming to discussing how to split the finances, I would suggest you wait a bit. A first date might not be the right place for it. If all goes well, and you think this woman can be a suitable match, bring it up politely on the second or third date, to have clarity on it early on. For instance, you can casually start by giving an example of a friend who recently got married- something like, "Rohan's wife takes care of the groceries and stuff, while he pays off the bill." And then mention that you were wondering how you two should split it if you happen to get married. It is a reasonable question and should not show you off as money-minded. It's always best to discuss these important matters in the initial stages to avoid any conflict in the future.

Hope this helps!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024Hindi
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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024
Relationship
Hello, I am married for 4 years. And someone from my office loves me. He wants me to love him also even if I am married. That office colleague take too much efforts for me, he listens everything about me, he cares about me. But my husband only focused on his work. So I want love, that boy is the best for the love. But loving another man even if you have husband is cheating. I don't know but I feel that I want both of them and I am confused about it. I also love that man from my office. I am so much confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are feeling undervalued by your husband but the "I want both of them" approach has never worked out well for anyone, especially in an exclusive relationship. You have a few options here-
You speak to your husband about how the lack of attention from him is affecting you and work on it with him.
Tell him openly about this man and let him know that there's a slight chance that you might develop feelings for him if your husband continues to pay all his focus on work and none on you. This could shake him up from his slumber and help him realize that he has not been fair to you.
Opt for separation- if you do not have an open marriage, you cannot have both of the men. It isn't moral to do this behind your partner's back.

I strongly suggest you consider doing the first option. Communicate your feelings of loneliness to your husband and seek help from a marriage counselor. It can do wonders for your relationship.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Dr Shakeeb Ahmed

Dr Shakeeb Ahmed Khan  |127 Answers  |Ask -

Physiotherapist - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 19, 2024Hindi
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Health
Hello Dr.Shakeeb, I’m a 55 yrs male, had stents implanted in 2020 because of bad food habits and lack of regular movement, things have improved since then with better control on food habits. My problem is belly fat which is embarrassing and my weight is 77kgs, I was on knee braces for last 30 days bcoz of a slight ligament strain, so not able to do strenuous exercises. Pls suggest a workable regime for belly fat elimination considering my case history.
Ans: Hello Sir. Thank you for your query. Reducing belly fat requires a combination of calorie control, low-impact exercises, and lifestyle changes, tailored to your health history. Start by maintaining a slight calorie deficit of 200-300 kcal/day, focusing on a balanced diet rich in lean proteins, complex carbs, and healthy fats while avoiding sugary and processed foods. Drink 2-3 liters of water daily to stay hydrated. Engage in low-impact activities like brisk walking for 30-40 minutes daily, which is gentle on the knees and heart-friendly. Incorporate simple core-strengthening exercises such as pelvic tilts, seated knee lifts, and standing side bends to activate abdominal muscles without straining your knees. As your ligament strain heals, consult Physiotherapist about gradually increasing exercise intensity, including light resistance training. Prioritize 7-8 hours of quality sleep and manage stress through mindfulness to lower cortisol levels, which can contribute to belly fat. Small, frequent meals can keep your metabolism active, and tracking progress through waist measurements rather than just weight will help you stay motivated. These adjustments will promote gradual, sustainable fat loss while ensuring safety and heart health. I wish you healthy and active lifestyle.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Relationship
Dear Anu Krishna, I'm 48 married with 2 kids daughter in 10th and son in 5th. Wife works as a VP in a large firm. Since post COVID there has been almost no intimacy. I tried to talk to her and she says that I'm a sex maniac. I said once in six months at least she says not interested. She s fit in good health exercises and all tests are ok. Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. We go on tours and trips and functions and everything externally is normal. I buy her gifts and we go out to restaurants etc. Everything except intimacy. I've tried to talk about 50 times but she doesn't want to talk not seek any help. Infact the signs of this started from 2016. She's 43 now. I m thinking of now seperating from her. Im really fed up. Nothing is working, and she's adamant. I've pulled on for kids but maybe I can be together for a few more years. I can't live with her forever. You generally ask people to get help and talk etc which is done and tried and yet no solution. Can you agree for once that there is a genuine case to not continue It's my life I know but I think I'm 100% right and that i have hit the end of the road. Inhold you in high regard hence writing to you Sameer
Ans: Dear Sachin,
Thank you for your kind and respectful acknowledgement of me.
Now,
You wrote:
Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. - What was shocking? You have not shared this!

Lack of interest in sex can be due to:
- change in hormones
- boredom in the bedroom routine
- lack of intimacy outside the bedroom

Now, what I must agree on is something that we can keep aside, yeah? My job is to try and guide people to put things together of course, if that's what they want. You seem to have already believed that nothing can work; how can anyone guide you? When you claim that you nothing is working, I will still ask you, "How do you know that you have tried everything to know that nothing is working?"

Also, if you have decided to separate, what more can I suggest? You feel that you are 100% right, BUT you know what: If you actually were 100% right, you would not be here checking in with me...Just playing the mirror here for you.
I still would suggest that you work on your marriage; communicate and rebuild...it's a long path BUT the fruits of it can be amazing!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am married 2.5 years ago to a man , who is very less in education compared to me , this marriage was done as a compromise or in worries about my future as my parents are no more .. He and his family is average in all case ..cleanliness, hygeiene , social relations, religious practices , education , self respect , financial well being ... all these things are either meaningless for them or they vary poor in those . Nor even they have moral values , as they have cheated me by hiding my husband's age to me . I told them that we strongly believe in astrology and will not go without it . Still they gave me wrong information about his age and he is very elder to me .As I am well educated , employed and self dependant. So they somehow trapped me for marriage. After 3-4 months of marriage my husband was diagnosed (a type of oral cancer) caused due to consuming gutkha and ciggarettes. He lied and denied to have any disease still i started his medication . In some time I lost my job also still continued his treatment , tried to help him in his business , it made a big impact on my sqving too :( But because of his careless business practice , it didnt work for him. Also I paid many times his car's EMI . And supported in all types of expenses be it house hold , his medication or business . He has parental properties in village but they are hardly using it for their own use and wanted to use my money till now . As I now denied to give more money , now they have started looking to sell or rent / lease their property for their use . I have spent lot of money on them , I hardly believe they will try to pay it out fully to me or give some part of property for my safe future now :( I am now 43 and have no children . At other hand my brother is also alone( even being his wife and 2 sons) Wife is quarrelsome and has a history of false case of dowry on my brother and due to this my brother and my family sufferered a lot , its been 20 years now . But this has tortured my brother me and my mother a lot in past .Sis-in-law never let my nephews to stay or sit for some time with us (me or my mother ). And now as my both nephews have grown up my sis-in-law told them lie as if she was victim and , we were the culprit . Children were innocent , they didnt knew the fact , hence taking mother's side now. I thought that as my sis-in-law doesn't like us so unwillingly I decided to marry with a compromise , thinking that after my marriage all will be fine in brother's home , But nothing improved. And now my brother , after my marriage is emotionally alone at home , I feel very sorry about this . I want to go back and take care of my brother , as now he is 53 and emotionally very weak , diabetic and suffering other disease too . Sis-in-law is least interested in his health , care .. so as her children. Going back to parental (it is my father's home, so i also have legal right on that property )home and leaving husband is not so easy, .. Elder Nephew and sis-in-law can become very violent as they are always . I dont want to endanger my brother's health and if I dont go then also .. brother is taking care of him alone ..that too very casually ..how can i make all things correct . Please suggest .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Hello! Excuse me...
Take care of yourself first before trying to save someone else.
Your brother is a grown man and knows what is to be done. Allow him to process his life's situations. By stepping into it especially in your state of mind will make things worse. Also, if you want guidance on this, kindly post another question else it will get confusing for all of us here.

First think of what you must do to make things better for yourself. Ask yourself whether you are interested in continuing the marriage. A lot of your time, money and energy has been invested in it and based on a lie. You have no clue what else they have lied about...do you want a marriage that is standing on a bed of lies? is it possible for you to trust your husband and his family all over again? What can they do so that you place trust in them again?

If this is not possible, the you are in a place where you need to make decisions about your marriage and your life in general.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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