Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Constantly Feeling Pressured: How to Meet Girlfriend's Expectations?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1503 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Govinda Question by Govinda on Jul 18, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship

My girlfriend has lot of expectations on How I must react to certain situations. I try my best to do it , but there is always one day where I don't have control on reacting the same as she wishes it , and then we fight and she keeps reminding me my mistakes from the past. I say sorry , she says she doesn't consider my sorries. I forgive her for whatever serious she says in fight. But then again after few days everything becomes normal. I am confused what should be done. Is it okay that I behave according to her expectations or what. Because I don't want to lose her. I have always discussed that the way I behave is my natural nature but she keeps me correcting. She accepts her mistakes even I do too. But now since these incidents often once a month. I am asking you what I must do in such situations where it's not in my hand it seems to behave in certain way as expected by her

Ans: Dear Govinda,
Well, all of us have expectations from each other, don't we?
But some expectations are realistic and some are unrealistic. Any expectation that starts to change the other person, control them, dictate their behavior is almost toxic and not healthy in the long run.
Some expectations like requesting the other person to take care of their health, finances, advice on work and family that attempts to see them in a better space is healthy and necessary.

So, where does your girlfriend's expectation fall into?
It's possible that because it's leading to constant fights, you are certainly not happy about her control about this. Then voice it out and state clearly that you would not like to change for her but only change for yourself and for the better. This may hurt her and there might be a lot of drama around it...but, if she is willing to look at the relationship maturely with you as an equal partner, there will no more fights and expectations around things that bother you.
Sit down together; tell her how this is affecting you and the relationship. There maybe little expectations that maybe good for you and the relationship. Be thankful for those.

But, the bigger ones are the ones that are bothersome and yes, your girlfriend must know about it. Instead of confronting, be firm and gentle and she may very well understand the whole scenario. This will also help you in situations where she expects something and it does not happen and yet she will be okay with it. So, have that clear communication for better understanding. Is this possible? Yes, provided the two of you work at this together not confronting but managing it.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1503 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu, I have been going through your column on rediff for some time and I feel you will be able to help me out. I want your advice on my relationship with my girlfriend. We have been in the relationship for 3 years now. I love her a lot and see a future with her. But there are some issues. I think she has some mental health issues. I could never judge in what mood she is in. I look forward everyday to the time we talk or spend together but most often after the meet/ talk I feel low. She almost never misses to find mistakes in everything I do and she blames it on my immaturity since she is 3.5 years elder to me (I am 29). Very rarely I do find out eventually that her judgment was right but most often I feel in all sense she is irrational and I think I am correct. This has taken an emotional toll on me. Now I do not feel like sharing thoughts and things with her because of the fights and emotional toll that I would have to face. I love her a lot and it seems like she too does but might be, I am wrong. I tried breaking up with her thrice. But every time because of some or other urgency or work-related stuff when we reconnect we fall back deeply in love. We are in same field but different organization. I was earlier in the same organisation but she left as she got a better offer. It makes sense to me but sometimes I do feel she could have stayed in same organization). She has been asking me to marry her, but all these things stated above makes me nervous what might be in future if I do marry her. As I take time to think it out she puts it as if I never wanted to marry her. I seek your advice.
Ans:

Dear GP,

A healthy relationship is one where both individuals help each other grow and thrive.

Pointing out the other’s inadequacies can be detrimental to their emotional health.

You keep walking on egg shells around her and have started to keep things away from her for fear of her rebuke and complaints.

How is this healthy when you can’t share your thoughts with your partner? This will become a habit and not a very good one for sure.

Also, age does not define whether one can boss around or not.

She certainly maybe right in most cases, but there is a way to convey the same thing to you.

Love and calmness in communication can actually transform everything and everyone provided the intent is there.

Marriage under these circumstances can be stressful for you.

So I do suggest that the two of you have an honest talk and when she knows how you feel and how keeping things away from her has become your coping mechanism, I do feel she might be able to see the situation in a new light.

Also, things that you might have misinterpreted about her may also surface.

So, please have that necessary talk without wasting anymore time. It will give you good perspectives to work from.

All the best!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2023

Listen
Relationship
I have a girlfriend.. And i proposed a girl for fun i dont have any feelings on her.. Shes my friend and even she knows we are in a relation.. And another.. My girl has some issues with her friends.. They were planning to beat.. Or scold then i stood beside.. Not let them to hit but daid to speak to her.. She got insulted there.. Now my girlfriend broke up saying these reasons.. What should i do ?
Ans: Dear Srujan,

Your intentions might not be tainted but put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes, and don't think from your perspective. Think of hers. You might have been okay if the roles were reversed, but can't say the same for most people. Jealousy is a green-eyed monster, but for some instances, it is justified; not right, but understandable. You proposing to another girl might have been a joke for you, but it hurt your GF. The only thing you can do here is to explain the situation and apologize for making her feel this way, even though it wasn't your intention.

For your second issue, I'd say it was good thinking on your part not to get too involved and yet be there for your girlfriend and stop her friends from resorting to violence. If that has insulted your partner, you can try clarifying your intent, and if she still does not want to pay heed to your side of the story, you don't owe her any more explanation for this particular issue.

If you don't have trust and understanding in your relationship, it's a losing battle, no matter how much you both try to hold on to it. An honest and level-headed discussion is the only thing that can save your relationship at this point.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 31, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am in 6 years relationship with my girlfriend. Recently I don't feel the vibes with my girlfriend. She judges me a lot in each aspect, I can adjust upto certain limits, but she other 3-4 days finds a reason to get upset about me. We patch up only if I win her over , this has happened a couple of 100 times. Please suggest, I am getting this feeling that I must chase something better. I have talked with her , that if she doesn't like me then marry other guy. She says, it's my decision, you don't teach me anything. After few days she becomes normal. What should I do , I m confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry that you are facing these problems. First of all, the spark fizzling out in a relationship is very normal, especially in a long-term relationship. You have two options-

One- tell her about your concerns. The fact that the constant quarrels bother you should be expressed in words. You can't assume that your partner will get it by herself. After having a clear discussion about the same, both of you can put equal effort into bringing back the initial spark. Try spending more quality time, pursue some shared hobbies, learn to problem-solve without getting into a heated fight, and more.

Two- you can reconsider this relationship. Once you have tried everything from your end to make things better and tried to reason with your partner but she is still keeping up the same temperament or you are still facing the same issues, you are allowed to rethink your choice to be with her. It's okay to put yourself first once in a while. It is a relationship today; tomorrow it will be a marriage and if things are still not going great, both of you might end up regretting it.

But before going to the second option, try the first.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Janak

Janak Patel  |17 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 13, 2025

Money
In early 2018, I had faced some financial problems (monthly Rs. 10,000 deficit) as I was working with a public sector enterprise. At that time, I was searching for a loan and got an agency that can provide Rs. 10,000 as Payday loan (monthly basis maximum 35 days) and rate of interest was 1% per day. These loan products were from NBFCs. I took this loan and this was the starting point. Due to my financial problems, I started taking these type loans from various agencies and rate of interest 0.7%-1% per day. In 2022, I had almost 15 payday loans amounting Rs. 10 lakhs. After that, I have been applying for a loan from almost all banks and NBFCs to close these paydays, but nobody is able to provide a loan due all payday loans have been shown in CIBIL as well as few bounces of my personal loan I had already with Kotak Bank. Now the situation is like that I have more than 25 payday loans amounting to more than Rs. 15 lakhs. Last 2 years I have been applying for a personal loan to close these but no banks and NBFCs are not providing. Every month I am giving and taking payday loans and the interest amount is too high. I have a Tata AIA pension policy as well as PF, both cannot be surrendered at this moment. Now, the major issue is how to overcome this financial mess I did. I don't have any options left at this moment. So I would request you if anybody can provide me assistance through your sources / channels to solve my financial problem. I can return the amount on a monthly installment basis and give my Tata AIA pension policy as well as PF documents for security. I have been working in an engineering consultancy firm and monthly income is almost Rs. 2 lakhs
Ans: HI Jitu,

In summary, you have 15 lakhs loans at 1% per day interest (= 365% per annum). No options to borrow from any other organized sources like Bank/NBFC. So monthly Interest is 4.5 lakhs.
Monthly Income is 2 lakhs.

This is called a Debt Trap, where your income is less than your outflow (debt), so you are in a negative balance always and keep borrowing to fill the gap. No point in going into the history of the situation but I hope this has been a big life lesson for you.

Borrowing against you Pension policy can be considered but depends on the company and note that this will be at a high interest rate.
Borrowing from PF funds is only under certain situations (e.g. illness, education, marriage) and so even that is ruled out.
I assume you have already considered all/any asset you may own to repay.

The solution cannot be a very simple one. But I can recommend a couple of options which you can see if they help. You plan should simple -
1. Find a source of funds to repay your current loans
2. Stay with bare minimum requirement for next few years and repay maximum amount towards new loan
3. Do not take any new loans and stay on track for next few years, no matter what.

With a salary of 2 Lakhs, you should take a hard look at your living expenses and cut out all except the basic necessities. At least on paper come up with a number that you can discuss with prospective lenders mentioned below. Give them confidence of your ability to pay back every month with a realistic number e.g. over 1 lakh per month. Make this as high as you can make it. Make compromises everywhere possible and evaluate each expense to see what you can eliminate for the next couple of years, except food and absolutely basic needs, compromise on everything else. And ensure you make this work no matter what. You will have to be strong willed to achieve this and make it work.

Check with any close friends/family members/relatives who will trust you and provide you with some loan and provide you with time to repay. Offer to pay them interest which is higher than FD but reasonable for you and you can go as high as 20% per annum. At 20% you can pay back 55~60K per month for 3 years and payback the loan with interest.

Assuming you have a bank account for direct salary deposit, approach the bank and explain your situation truthfully to them and request an overdraft/loan and offer them to recover an agreed amount at an agreed interest rate from your account directly as soon as your salary is deposited. Again the interest rate will be high but if this works, you will be on your way to recovery. Even if they offer an interest rate of 30%~40% per annum and recover in 3 years, your EMI will be around 62K~70K per month.

Approach your employer and discuss if a loan can be provided to you at a reasonable rate of interest and recovered from your salary each month. If you have been employed with them for over a year or longer, and if they consider to extend a loan this may be the best solution you can get. You can offer to sign a contract for this (stay with employer for a period or until loan is paid up).

Is there any other source of funds you can approach with a similar proposal then do so, as long as you can get a chance to payoff your current set of loans and have a manageable EMI amount to pay back over the next few years, just take the best option and keep every desire aside and stay focused on getting back on track.

Please note that borrowing from an alternate source is not going to work if you take a loan and relax after that. You have already impacted your CIBIL score which makes lenders stay away. Now your top priority will be to find a source of funds at reasonably high interest rate between 20% to 40% resulting in an EMI of 55K to 70K for 3 years, and ensure you do not default the payments and clear this ASAP. If you can pay higher amount each month, then do that and get out of these loans as quickly as possible.

With honesty and sincerity if you continue to stay on track, you can eventually start coming back to normal life where you can plan your expenses and save and invest too. But do remember to live within your means and save as much as possible. Over time build back your CIBIL score for future requirements.

Hope this is helpful in some way.

Thanks & Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x