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Constantly Feeling Pressured: How to Meet Girlfriend's Expectations?

Anu Krishna |1590 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Govinda on Jul 18, 2024Hindi

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My girlfriend has lot of expectations on How I must react to certain situations. I try my best to do it , but there is always one day where I don't have control on reacting the same as she wishes it , and then we fight and she keeps reminding me my mistakes from the past. I say sorry , she says she doesn't consider my sorries. I forgive her for whatever serious she says in fight. But then again after few days everything becomes normal. I am confused what should be done. Is it okay that I behave according to her expectations or what. Because I don't want to lose her. I have always discussed that the way I behave is my natural nature but she keeps me correcting. She accepts her mistakes even I do too. But now since these incidents often once a month. I am asking you what I must do in such situations where it's not in my hand it seems to behave in certain way as expected by her

Ans: Dear Govinda,
Well, all of us have expectations from each other, don't we?
But some expectations are realistic and some are unrealistic. Any expectation that starts to change the other person, control them, dictate their behavior is almost toxic and not healthy in the long run.
Some expectations like requesting the other person to take care of their health, finances, advice on work and family that attempts to see them in a better space is healthy and necessary.

So, where does your girlfriend's expectation fall into?
It's possible that because it's leading to constant fights, you are certainly not happy about her control about this. Then voice it out and state clearly that you would not like to change for her but only change for yourself and for the better. This may hurt her and there might be a lot of drama around it...but, if she is willing to look at the relationship maturely with you as an equal partner, there will no more fights and expectations around things that bother you.
Sit down together; tell her how this is affecting you and the relationship. There maybe little expectations that maybe good for you and the relationship. Be thankful for those.

But, the bigger ones are the ones that are bothersome and yes, your girlfriend must know about it. Instead of confronting, be firm and gentle and she may very well understand the whole scenario. This will also help you in situations where she expects something and it does not happen and yet she will be okay with it. So, have that clear communication for better understanding. Is this possible? Yes, provided the two of you work at this together not confronting but managing it.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna |1590 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Question by GP - Jun 08, 2022Hindi

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Hi Anu, I have been going through your column on rediff for some time and I feel you will be able to help me out. I want your advice on my relationship with my girlfriend. We have been in the relationship for 3 years now. I love her a lot and see a future with her. But there are some issues. I think she has some mental health issues. I could never judge in what mood she is in. I look forward everyday to the time we talk or spend together but most often after the meet/ talk I feel low. She almost never misses to find mistakes in everything I do and she blames it on my immaturity since she is 3.5 years elder to me (I am 29). Very rarely I do find out eventually that her judgment was right but most often I feel in all sense she is irrational and I think I am correct. This has taken an emotional toll on me. Now I do not feel like sharing thoughts and things with her because of the fights and emotional toll that I would have to face. I love her a lot and it seems like she too does but might be, I am wrong. I tried breaking up with her thrice. But every time because of some or other urgency or work-related stuff when we reconnect we fall back deeply in love. We are in same field but different organization. I was earlier in the same organisation but she left as she got a better offer. It makes sense to me but sometimes I do feel she could have stayed in same organization). She has been asking me to marry her, but all these things stated above makes me nervous what might be in future if I do marry her. As I take time to think it out she puts it as if I never wanted to marry her. I seek your advice.

Ans:

Dear GP,

A healthy relationship is one where both individuals help each other grow and thrive.

Pointing out the other’s inadequacies can be detrimental to their emotional health.

You keep walking on egg shells around her and have started to keep things away from her for fear of her rebuke and complaints.

How is this healthy when you can’t share your thoughts with your partner? This will become a habit and not a very good one for sure.

Also, age does not define whether one can boss around or not.

She certainly maybe right in most cases, but there is a way to convey the same thing to you.

Love and calmness in communication can actually transform everything and everyone provided the intent is there.

Marriage under these circumstances can be stressful for you.

So I do suggest that the two of you have an honest talk and when she knows how you feel and how keeping things away from her has become your coping mechanism, I do feel she might be able to see the situation in a new light.

Also, things that you might have misinterpreted about her may also surface.

So, please have that necessary talk without wasting anymore time. It will give you good perspectives to work from.

All the best!

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