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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 08, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

I am experiencing sexless marriage since last 12 years due some catastrophic mentality of the spouse. Tried to have sex outside but I don't like it as its lacking of emotions and safety. I cant afford that financially too. I am now 48 and really got frustrated affecting my abilities, manifestations of which show in my professional life too. Cant leave her, cant blame her, cant curse her because we both love each other too much. She herself tell me to go outside for sex. Cant take her to psychiatrist or counselor too as she resist for this. She used to be in depression too but show herself normal. She is working and stress factor too is there. Due to her attitude, misunderstanding or thinking, she is also not happy herself. I have consulted doctor for myself and for her too but is not fruitful as she don't attend the clinic. I feel I need a partner for my psychological siphoning, but no way. I feel I am cursed for no intimate relationship. As of now I do get engaged in my work and try to get happiness sexually by masturbation but not happy at all. I am thinking of castration too to get the urge of sex be killed. In my family we dont have sound conversations too due to anger, loudness, etc. I always have to be calm as I can. I feel all feuds will vanish one day but its taking too much time. What to do?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I do empathize with you; but what problem are you trying to solve?
Putting your marriage back together and connect better with your wife OR whining about your sex life and wondering how to satisfy yourself?
If it's the former, then focus on how and what can be done to revive her faith in herself...if counselors aren't working, you might have to take on the mantle of getting the relationship back on track but also letting her know that she needs to do the same. She also must be made aware that the effort must be from her side as well. It's an uphill task but I would emphasize that focus on getting your marriage back on track. It will channel your energies better without leading to frustrations.
Who knows....when things improve, she and you might actually be able to revive your sex life as well.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

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Dear MamI am a 33 year old male working in a PSU at middle management level. Six years ago I was married happily as per my wish to a girl of my choice.Everything was just perfect. My wife is 4.5 years younger to me. I had to go against my parents wish as they were not comfortable with a non working wife. Mine was not a love story but yes I met girl through a common friend and went ahead for the alliance. Our sex life was also great in the start and we welcomed a baby girl just 2 months short of our first wedding anniversary. However now when I compare I do understand that because of household chores she could not give proper time to me, but still I feel a strong urge to have sex with her. She somehow does not reciprocate well and is dull in having sex. Apart from this we still fight over silly things and tolerance level of both of us have gone very down. Sometimes I feel to this extent that I should walk out from the marriage because I really don't want hot talks in our relationship. I agree I have a 5 year old baby girl. I do control my feelings and anger too to some extent. My wife also does the same but really small things trigger me on. Also I always have a huge sex drive and I feel that if I don't get it from my wife I should look out for other options. I have not cheated with her but I feel that given the option I can because of sex urge. May be this is due to higher libido and I do masturbate occasionally fantasizing my neighbour or other female friends and sometimes my wife too. I don't know what goes through me but seeing your column I felt I should tell you these small details so you could give me an honest answer. I don't want to leave her, I do love her a lot but these fights really make me lose my cool and feel depressed.What should be done according to you ? Should I see a psychiatrist?
Ans:

Dear AY,

I will ask you to introspect and ask yourself: When did things start going downhill?

What event led to this? Surely, things don’t happen all of sudden, so something or some thought must have led to this.

Also, it’s important to understand that managing home and a child is a full time job and it tires the woman a lot.

To be in a mood for sex, the woman needs to be relaxed and calm…if the work at home is tiring, try and hire a domestic helper or any extra help that will ease her.

That way she will have more time to care for herself and her needs as well. Offer to pitch in and this will also bring the two of you closer.

Your theory of your high libido which is not being matched by your wife may or may not be true as sometimes that solution is simpler than you think.

Sadly, we are used to complicating things and look at what’s obvious in front of us.

Sex outside of marriage seems to be an option that has crossed your mind, but I do understand from your letter that you care and love your wife a lot.

Let not a moment of weakness make you shake the foundation of a beautiful relationship that the two of you share.

Have an open chat with her. Express how you feel and speak of your sexual needs.

Most often, communication solves most marriage issues. If this doesn’t work, kindly seek professional help with a marriage therapist.

Ultimately, you know why the two of you are married and why you chose her to be your wife.

Bear that in mind and a lot of yours mind struggles will ease and you will be able to think more usefully and also move into a better marriage space.

Happy 2022 and here’s wishing you the best in life!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 27, 2020

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Hello Anu, I am 48, male. I married in 2007 and we were blessed with a daughter in 2015. Ever since we were pregnant, I left my regular job and started working from home instead. Things went off smooth and professionally there is not much of a problem. Agreed, 2020 has been quite a bad year for almost everyone and I am no exception. But then, things are somewhat better with me when I see people around and learn about their getting unemployed or otherwise. My problem is related to family, relationship with my wife and this has started playing on me. The last time we indulged in any sexual activity was probably before my wife became pregnant. And even before that, she was always uninterested in having anything physical between us. At max, we would have sex just once a month. But after her birth, we have never had sex, no time together. The most we talk about in a day is the stock of this is finishing up or you need to get this or that kind of things. She works in an office, so she has friends, people whom she can talk to and spend time. I stay home caring for my daughter. Though most of the day is spent with caring for her, there is something that is dying inside me. I had tried asking her to make a visit to the consultant locally, but she has always denied. And she keeps telling me that all I need is sex from her, which of course has never been true. I wished there was some medical solution for my problems but I know there is nothing wrong. It is just some psychological issue. At times I just want to leave up everything and quit, but then I prefer not to do it thinking about the daughter. I now feel that I do need some friends, but at my age, finding them is also tough. I do not feel comfortable talking about these issues to even my friends because - 1. I do not feel that close with any and 2. I wonder, if any of those confronted up my wife with this - that would be asking for a chaos as well. I could go on into more details but am unsure if you would have that enough time. Please suggest if you can.
Ans: Dear PK, firstly, Parenting is a lot of work and to be a full-time parent from home, like you are right now, requires a lot of time and energy. Also, let’s not deny and most mothers/parents/others who are full time caregivers of a child will whisper and not say it aloud that doing that 24*7 without a break can be stressful and even monotonous at times.

They are encouraged to take a break every once in a while, to rejuvenate so they can do more and feel less exhausted.

It is pretty normal for women to lose interest in sex for a few weeks or perhaps months after the baby is born as the hormones now secreted elude her away from simply being a wife and the loving mother takes over.

This can cause a lot of rift between the new parents as the man obviously is not aware of this fact.

A book can throw more light on this and I cannot be more emphatic and say this here that it helps when the woman doesn’t have to worry about her husband and focus on bonding with the child which is of utmost importance for the development and growth of the baby.

Besides, there are other forms of affection/intimacy that can be explored so the new parents still manage to keep the spark alive.

The fact of your wife having a parallel life at her work place has become a dampener in your mind as she is definitely able to have a social life at least part of the day whereas you are not.

I do suggest you cook up some ‘Me Time’ over the weekends when your wife can bond with the baby and you can meet friends and simply unwind so that you back with a renewed vigour as the week begins.

And, it is possible to make friends at any age. Anyone who shares common interests and hobbies, can become a part of your inner circle.

It is apparent that both of you have lost communication and either your wife is unaware about how you feel or maybe she is going through something that you don’t know of.

If she isn’t comfortable going to a professional, take charge and revive your communication. Babies can demand a lot of time from their parents and if you can have someone trustworthy to watch the baby for a couple of hours over the weekend, where you and your wife can have some time to yourselves, that might help.

We can go on struggling or we can step up and do something about it. So, give it your best for yourself and your family.

Happy Bonding and have a great life!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 03, 2022

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Dear Love Guru, I want to stay Anonymous. I am 26 year old Man, been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter. My wife is pregnant right now and we haven't have sex for 7 months now. For my sexual life information, i need sex every 2-3 days because somehow i feel i need it, hell i want sex every day to be honest and I can't help it.  But my wife don't want to have sex right now because of her pregnancy, she basically fears that sex will harm our child in the womb of which I have assured her many times that its safe and i will make sure that we will do it safely but she won't understand. She wouldn't even ask or let me ask to our doctor if it's safe to have sex while pregnant to clear her doubts and won't trust me that its safe.  She also doesn't feel the need of sex and feels anger and irritation when i approach her for sex.  Now I completely understand that she doesn't want it because of mood swings or change in hormones but God it is killing me right now by not having sex. I don't know but i am made that way and she hates me now for approaching her for sex every other day and bursts in to anger and tears. It makes me feel ashamed about myself and makes me cry inside too. But again somehow i need sex which is completely making me this lustful a***e in my wife's eyes. I try to release my sexual tension by masterbating but the guilt of wanting sex and also anger towards my wife rejecting me every night never leaves from my head. All i think about whole day is sex and it's making me angry towards my wife hence i stopped sleeping next to her so that I can't annoy her while she is sleeping because whenever i sleep next to her I can't control my hands which always finds their way on her body making her more angrier.  She hates me because i don't sleep next to her and doesn't take care of her but i explained her that I can't stop my self from touching her and she won't understand. She wants me next to her and also doesn't want me to touch her which i am not able to do honestly.  I know there is something wrong with me but i am confused if it is all my fault or it is some of hers too. All i want to be is a  good husband but i have my sexual needs too. What should i do?  P.S. I am not sex addict as i never have touched any other women in my entire life even right now when i need sex badly, and that's makes me wonder Do I really deserve this? 
Ans:

You do sound like you're struggling with a bit of an addiction.

I agree that your wife's fears are unscientific and, to be honest, a discreet conversation with the gynaecologist would allay her feelings.

A lot of couples speak to the doctor before resuming sexual relations during pregnancy; it's a very common question to ask.

Most medical practitioners would warn you in case of a risk in individual cases and the fact that your doctor hasn't said anything to you both means you're likely in the clear to do so.

But the fact is, she just doesn't want to have sex at the moment, whatever be the reason, and you can't force her.

Pregnancy is a very challenging time for a woman. So either speak to the doctor or practice a little self control for a couple of months longer.

I think the more she's denying you, the more desperate you're becoming. You could see a therapist and explain your predicament if it is making you so miserable.

What did you do when she was expecting your daughter the first time around? 

 

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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I am a 26 years old girl completed my studies, trying to get a job, 2 years back I fell in love online with a man of 32 years old, we have not met yet physically. He is working on a very small salary in a village i.e. his hometown. He can't get a good government job or private job now due to lack of experience and age. We love each other a lot with all our flaws. My family is strictly against it due to caste difference, low salary, he lives 1600 km away, background differences. Overall they don't trust him and our love and are emotionally blackmailing me to get married with someone they choose. And the thought alone of leaving him makes me sad
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for the challenges you are facing. I understand how difficult it must be to leave a person you love. Having said that, I would also like to point out that living a decent life is not cheap. You are currently unemployed and your partner has a low salary; it will not be sustainable in the long run. I am not asking you to leave him and marry someone else; all I am suggesting is don't rush. Take the time to find a decent job and ask your partner to do the same. Once you think you both are earning a good amount of money, put forth the idea of your marriage again to your parents.

Now the most important thing, you have met him online and never met him in real life. Is it worth taking this kind of risk before verifying everything in person? I am sure he is genuine but there is no harm in cross-checking. And I can't really blame your parents for having their doubts. Please don't rush. One wrong decision can ruin the rest of your life. Take your time, think this through, and meet him in person, most likely in your city and in a public space. Do a thorough background check. It is easy to get fooled when you are in love.

Again, please don't rush. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Best Wishes
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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am 25+ years of old. Earning a handsome ammount of money arround 1lakh. I am a introvert, kind of kanjus you can say. I don't have any gf. I had one one one-sided relationship but because of low self confidence I didn't able to express my feelings. I don't feel myself as a ugly person but I am over waight, facing hair fall recently that's why I lose confidence approaching girls. I tried few dating apps but use. As I am a introvert I don't like to go to parties but definitely become comfortable after knowing the other person. Currently in Bangalore but being from a remote area I don't feel comfortable approaching a girl. What should I do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand how you are feeling. First of all, you are not alone in this. Secondly, it's time you recognize how much you have achieved in life. Kudos to that.

Now, coming to your concern, being an introvert is not an issue, though it comes with its own set of challenges. I understand that you feel shy when it comes to talking to women. That's where dating apps come in. You have seen no results on them; I hear you. But give it another try, but this time, with a fool-proof strategy. First off, write an appealing bio. It's equivalent to writing a cover letter- you put forward your best attributes and convince people why they should date you. You can mention your achievements, you can be honest and disclose that you are an introvert, mention what you have to offer as a partner and don't forget to mention what you are looking for in your partner. This would give your potential matches a concise idea of you and also help attract the right people. Second, display image matters. While I am not encouraging you to put up an over-edited picture hiding your imperfections, do not put up the worst one either. Make sure it's recent, decent, and of you and you alone, and not in a group. Third, if you like somebody, don't be afraid to send a message. You are not committing to them, nor do you have to see them in person. Leave a message, interact, only if things go well, meet in person. There's no rush and no prior commitment. Fourth and the most important one, be patient. The right match can take a while but when you do find them, it will be worth the wait.

Best Wishes!
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Sushil

Sushil Sukhwani  |306 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

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