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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2022

Asked on - Nov 08, 2022Hindi

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Dear Anu,
I would prefer to go anonymous.
I am 45+ years old and my wife is 45 years old. We have 2 daughters (12.5 yrs and 8 yrs) and as per me, we are a happy family unit.
I do not live with my parents and live in another city. I have an unmarried sister who stays with my parents so I don't really have to worry about them a lot. Though I do care about them.

The problem that I face is my father is really obsessed with having a grand-son and has been demanding about it.
Recently my mother passed away and my father started saying that my Mom was really looking forward to have a grandson, but because I did not take it seriously, her desires are unfulfilled.
He has always been pushing for this point since the birth of my second daughter.
In my mind, I would also have loved to have a son, but my wife is very clear that we should not get into it now.
I am always stressed as on one hand my father does not want to listen and my wife is also firm on her stand.
I am totally lost because of the situation and this has taken a toll on my self-confidence.
I always get a feeling that I am not favoured by God and any decision I take will always backfire on me and hence I am unable to focus even on my work.

Please let me know what I should do to come out of this internal and external chaos.

Ans:

Dear PK,

External chaos is caused by internal chaos. Which era are you all living in?

Movies and commercials and docuseries have been made to share the relevance of both genders in our ecosystem and over the past few decades the shades of genders have beautifully merged to create one big Universe.

Yet, you and your family choose to harp on having a son and grandson.

Okay, it might have been your mother’s wish and your father’s stubbornness currently, but what happened to you?

Kindly leave your wife alone before she explodes on your face calling you out.

Be happy with two beautiful children that you have been blessed with.

Most of our suffering stems from the fact that we compare our lives with that of others, we have a projected image of what our life should be or could be and, in your case, a life that is being demanded out of you by your family.

Why wouldn’t this cause you strain? And the best part, it is your choice to suffer by playing the victim by saying that God does not favour you.

Kindly maintain a Gratitude journal and list down ALL that you are thankful for.

You might hopefully be able to see what you have been missing to appreciate and what you have been aimlessly running after.

As far as your father goes, either you ignore his pleas as of that coming from the previous generation or sit him down and patiently explain that his views are something that might not work in the current day and especially within your family.

Though I can see this only after you begin to change your mindset. Appreciate and value what you have!

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 12, 2020

Asked on - Nov 12, 2020Hindi

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Hi Anu,

I am 50, male, working in PSU and hail from a village background.

My children are grown up now without having affection with their village roots.

For me, it is disappointing as I do not feel connected to the city I am living in.

Also, I do not find motivation to settle in the polluted city.

Despite all odds, I still have longing for my village but have strong fear that I will be alone at the fag end of life.

Even my wife do not support my idea to go back and live at a place where there is not medical facility.

I ponder this issue again and again and fill with dissatisfaction by the very purpose of moving ahead in the life.

Ans: Dear PK, As hard as it may seem, children may not have the same level of fondness that you might have for your roots.

When we grow up in a place, you have associated memories there and people who were with you and that makes you feel nice about the place.

This may not be true for everyone especially children who have no associations to entice them into. It may be the same for your wife as well.

When they actually present an argument as to why they are not comfortable living in the village, do hear them out instead of feeling sad/disappointed.

When your wife expresses that she does not want to settle in a place where there are no medical facilities, isn’t she actually concerned for the both of your futures?

Is it perhaps time for you to think if you are allowing emotions to cloud a logical decision?

Settling down in a village especially after being in a city for a long time can be a very tough call to make; few have done it knowing that they may not have 24 hours of power or water supply or sanitation facilities, let alone, medical facilities.

Not everyone can and wants to.

What you perhaps crave for is peace and calmness of the village. Recreate it within your own home and surroundings.

Visit parks/nature area more often, meditate and visit your village as and when you can.

Ultimately, the decision of settling down in the future is a big one and it must be a joint decision from you and your wife.

Also, do consider the possibilities of the inability of children or relatives in visiting you due to the distance and their priorities. Be happy and decide to be happy where you are right now!

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Anu

Anu Krishna1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 27, 2020

Asked on - Oct 27, 2020Hindi

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Relationship
Hello Anu, I am 48, male. I married in 2007 and we were blessed with a daughter in 2015.

Ever since we were pregnant, I left my regular job and started working from home instead. Things went off smooth and professionally there is not much of a problem.

Agreed, 2020 has been quite a bad year for almost everyone and I am no exception. But then, things are somewhat better with me when I see people around and learn about their getting unemployed or otherwise.

My problem is related to family, relationship with my wife and this has started playing on me.

The last time we indulged in any sexual activity was probably before my wife became pregnant. And even before that, she was always uninterested in having anything physical between us.

At max, we would have sex just once a month. But after her birth, we have never had sex, no time together. The most we talk about in a day is the stock of this is finishing up or you need to get this or that kind of things.

She works in an office, so she has friends, people whom she can talk to and spend time. I stay home caring for my daughter. Though most of the day is spent with caring for her, there is something that is dying inside me.

I had tried asking her to make a visit to the consultant locally, but she has always denied. And she keeps telling me that all I need is sex from her, which of course has never been true.

I wished there was some medical solution for my problems but I know there is nothing wrong. It is just some psychological issue. At times I just want to leave up everything and quit, but then I prefer not to do it thinking about the daughter.

I now feel that I do need some friends, but at my age, finding them is also tough. I do not feel comfortable talking about these issues to even my friends because - 1. I do not feel that close with any and 2. I wonder, if any of those confronted up my wife with this - that would be asking for a chaos as well.

I could go on into more details but am unsure if you would have that enough time. Please suggest if you can.

Ans: Dear PK, firstly, Parenting is a lot of work and to be a full-time parent from home, like you are right now, requires a lot of time and energy. Also, let’s not deny and most mothers/parents/others who are full time caregivers of a child will whisper and not say it aloud that doing that 24*7 without a break can be stressful and even monotonous at times.

They are encouraged to take a break every once in a while, to rejuvenate so they can do more and feel less exhausted.

It is pretty normal for women to lose interest in sex for a few weeks or perhaps months after the baby is born as the hormones now secreted elude her away from simply being a wife and the loving mother takes over.

This can cause a lot of rift between the new parents as the man obviously is not aware of this fact.

A book can throw more light on this and I cannot be more emphatic and say this here that it helps when the woman doesn’t have to worry about her husband and focus on bonding with the child which is of utmost importance for the development and growth of the baby.

Besides, there are other forms of affection/intimacy that can be explored so the new parents still manage to keep the spark alive.

The fact of your wife having a parallel life at her work place has become a dampener in your mind as she is definitely able to have a social life at least part of the day whereas you are not.

I do suggest you cook up some ‘Me Time’ over the weekends when your wife can bond with the baby and you can meet friends and simply unwind so that you back with a renewed vigour as the week begins.

And, it is possible to make friends at any age. Anyone who shares common interests and hobbies, can become a part of your inner circle.

It is apparent that both of you have lost communication and either your wife is unaware about how you feel or maybe she is going through something that you don’t know of.

If she isn’t comfortable going to a professional, take charge and revive your communication. Babies can demand a lot of time from their parents and if you can have someone trustworthy to watch the baby for a couple of hours over the weekend, where you and your wife can have some time to yourselves, that might help.

We can go on struggling or we can step up and do something about it. So, give it your best for yourself and your family.

Happy Bonding and have a great life!

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