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Divorced man attempting to regain care of child - Should I be concerned?

Kanchan Rai |512 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 20, 2024Hindi

I am divorced and 41 year old with 13 year old son. Recently my son visited his father's place and got to know he remarried. Next day he told his grandfather to dron him to my place as he was crying constantly and not feeling good. Now my question is I a man hurts a woman physically and mentally , he attempted to hurt his own son when he was only 2-3 years old , how he can pretend to live happily and why ih trying to pour all his love and care after we divorced. I never tried to talk Ill about my son's father to him.

Ans: People are complicated, and it’s not uncommon for someone who has hurt others to later shift their behavior—sometimes due to life changes, or sometimes because they are trying to make up for their past mistakes. It could be that your ex-husband feels guilt for what he did and is trying to "overcorrect" by showing more care now. This doesn’t erase what happened in the past, and it’s understandable that it would be difficult to reconcile these two sides of him.

In situations like this, it’s important to stay focused on what matters most: your son’s well-being and emotional health. It sounds like you’ve done an incredible job not letting your own hurt color how your son sees his father, which takes a lot of strength. Children will eventually see the full picture as they grow older, and your son is already starting to form his own understanding, especially after his reaction to his father's remarriage.

If your ex is trying to show love now, it may be confusing for your son, especially given the history of harm. Your role can be to provide a stable, open environment where he feels safe to express his feelings. It’s important to let him know that whatever he feels is okay—whether he’s confused, angry, or sad—and that you’re there to listen without judgment.

As for why your ex is acting this way now, it could be a mix of guilt, a desire to appear better, or a new relationship that makes him feel more secure. But the reasons behind his behavior are less important than how you support your son through this. Continue being that steady presence for him, and make sure he knows his feelings are valid. Eventually, the truth of who his father is—both the good and bad—will become clear to him on his own terms.

Lastly, while it’s hard to see someone who caused you so much pain pretend to be someone different, remember that your emotional strength is in how you’ve handled things so far. Your son will learn from your integrity and grace, and that’s something no one can take away from you.