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Anu

Anu Krishna  |977 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 25, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am single mother of 12 year old boy and got divorced last year after 7 years of living seperate from my ex husband, I got married in 2010 through matrimonial site and had very toxic and abusive relationship, so I came to my maternal home in 2016 completely. There were many occasions when he approached me and promised to behave properly but failed to do so . He only filed for divorce by making false accusations of being characterless. I gave him divorce and in return I got very less alimony or the amount which was given in cash to them in my marriage. Now I came to know that he remarried and living his life . He is still in contact with my son and sometimes he blame me and my parents for this divorce. My first question is that is he trying to manipulate my son ( he is not bearing any education expenses of my son) And when I ask my son if I can also move on in my life, he refuses and says I don't want to share you with anyone. So I am very confused.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your first question is something that you have already answered yourself. Since you said that you got very less in alimony, obviously it suggests that the terms of separation of assets and monetary compensation and support for you and the child was not drawn up by your lawyer. (if you had a lawyer or was it a mutual consent divorce?) I am unaware if things can be changed through legal means demanding more compensation now; you can check with a legal expert.
But I don't understand the manipulation part. What does he do to manipulate your son?

Secondly when your son says that he does not want to share you with anyone, he is just confused and scared. He has lost his father in this divorce and does not want to lose you as well. At 12, they go through a lot of hormonal changes and it can be a confusing time. Also it is possible that he has not yet processed this separation. Sit him down and explain what has just happened. He needs to first feel safe before he is in a place of accepting another person as a part of your life and his. Address all his concerns gently and provide him with all the reassurance that he seeks to feel stable and safe. On your part, are you looking for a partner only because your ex-husband has moved on? Something to ponder over...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |977 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I would like to be anonymous.I got cheated by my boyfriend in my 20s and was in depression. My parents thought that it would be nice if I get married to someone who is elder to me and we'll settled.They got me a match who is 13 years elder than me. Joint family, one sister separated with her kid in the same house, one unmarried.I said yes but had the intuition that something is wrong. No one trusted me and I got married to the man. From Day 1, we were fighting. I tried to take help from my parents to get separated after a year but they didn't help me due to societal pressure. After my son born, he paid no attention towards my son and me for 7 months. But this time he told that he was busy at work. I returned to my in-laws.He tried to control everything –my friends, he restricted my social media accounts and also kept a screenshot of my conversation with my ex-boyfriend, threatening me to reveal it to my mom and dad. He also had the habit of not talking for 2-3 months in the same house. He did it for almost 10 years and pressurised me to have a second child. During my pregnancy, he yelled at me calling me mad and fought with me. He called my father and told him I am mad and sent me to my mom and dad again for delivery.Keeping my elder son for reference he tells to come back again. He doesn't provide any financial support and is threatening again with screenshots.He often checks my mobile without my permission affecting my BP. I don't know why? I lost my sleep at night for several months by now. I am not able to concentrate on anything. Negative thoughts occupy my mind. I have a kid of 1.5 years with me.Please help. I am mentally devastated. Thank you.
Ans:

Dear K,

What advice will you give a close friend if she came to you with the same problem that you have stated? Will you ask her to reconcile or keep her sanity intact?

Controlling the spouse is a classic way of coping for insecurity related issues within a relationship.

Being years older to you and having a young wife possibly might have given him goosebumps of you being attractive to people your age.

Whatever the reason, being passive aggressive and registering his insecurity through not talking for months, stalking you, monitoring your social media accounts, threatening to blackmail you with screenshots from your previous affairs; does it all sound like he is a person who you want to spend your life with?

If you still feel there is small chance and you want to, seek the help of a professional who can work with him and then the two of you to create an element of trust that is absolutely missing.

Any relationship that lacks trust, just crumbles as the foundation is weak and every little act that questions the other person’s integrity drives a further wedge.

You have a child that is dependent on you; be strong and whichever way that you choose, drive it…Inaction is what is causing you health issues, so do something NOW.

All the best and Be Strong.

..Read more

Shalini

Shalini Singh  |90 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Feb 24, 2023

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Relationship
We had an arranged marriage through matrimonial site. He lied to me about his drinking habits and financial status, etc. But after marriage i let it go that these things can be changed. His mother from the very first day was taunting and harrassing me for my skin colour, clothes, things given by my parents, etc. I never answered back to her. He also didn't said a single word to stop her. His sisters also used to taunt me and there were lots of interference. I never told anything to my parents. One day his mother was harrassing me over phone. I didn't said anything to her but called my husband and told him everything in very angered tone. He recorded everything and sent it to my parents, his parents, etc. When i tried to confront him, he blocked me. We couldn't talk for a long period. Now, he doesn't want to continue this relationship and said he wants divorce without giving any explanation. I am also very hurt. But also very confused about my future with him that how will i live with such a spineless man? My parents are not listening me that i also don't want to continue this toxic relationship. What should I do?
Ans: Its unfortunate that you had to experience what you had to...

1. Hope you are financially independent, if not please skill yourself and become so

2. Arranged marriage via family/ via an online site does not guarantee personality of a person's personality - hope you understand so.

3. Its unfortunate that your ma-in-law is an insecure and a negative individual because happy and secure folks do not behave the way she behaves with you.

4. It seems your husband also lives on some ego horse and recorded the conversation and shared it with the family.

Now I am more confused than you are - you have shared you are
a) unhappy
b) in an abusive relationship

my confusion is the following
a) why did you not break away and take this poor behaviour, where is your self worth
b) why do you want to go back into the black hole

As shared above - please work on yourself, your self worth, your confidence and work on skilling yourself to be financially independent....

Having said this you and only can decide on your life's future.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |977 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 27, 2023

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Relationship
I am 38, I am in an unsuccessful married life. Ours was a love marriage but soon after our marriage, he showed his true colours by demeaning me in front of his family, his family too does not like me and disrespect me always. I had to fight for keeping marriage intact because I love him and could not think of seperation. He had filed for divorce earlier but later he withdrew the case and now we have a son. But, still today, I could sense he doesn’t love me. At this juncture, i am independent, I told him we can call it off but he tells me to leave my son with him and he will not allow me to take my son with me. I am completely screwed and I am not happy and suffering a lot because it is one sided love. I do not know what to do ?
Ans: Dear Garima,
Clearly your husband is unsure of what he wants from this marriage. Files for divorce and then withdraws the case? What are you; someone who can keep adjusting to his decisions with no feelings?
If you sense that there is no love, then surely there is something that is keeping you rooted in this marriage despite the fact that you are independent?
Identify what that 'something' is...because even if you choose to walk out, if this 'something' is not present in your next relationship or in whatever you do, you will regret walking out.
So, first identify it and ask yourself: Can I recreate this (something) by myself without being dependent on my marriage or my husband?
No one must suffer in a relationship. Along with Love, a fair share of understanding also keeps a marriage together.
So, evaluate what is a 'must' in a marriage for you and if that is something that you are currently experiencing/ If not, you are wise to know what to do. Yes, if children are in the picture, there's a lot more that you must consider whichever way you decide.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |977 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 26, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello My husband and I took mutual divorce before 1.5 years. this was my second marriage and I married him because he assured me that he will be a father for my toddler. after 7 years of adjustments in marriage (as he was not good as a, neither emotionally nor financially) father, he filed for divorce in just 20 days of our arguments. He raised his hand so I was upset and angry so I too signed the papers. Just after filling divorce that he started asking me to come back else he will get married. I denied to go back and he started seeing girls within a week of filling divorce. With the court procedure, he used to ask me to come back but I was heart broken bcoz he was seeing bride so I denied again. This was continued and our divorce granted. Now since six months again he started approaching me by saying that I only love you and so could not get married. for your kind information, he is very impatient and aggressive by nature. Due to his nature and behaviour I and my family decided to cut him off because it is creating stress only. but till today he is trying to contact me by one or other means. I am already very stressed and emotionally broken down because this happened to me second time. Some times I feel that I should give him one more chance but when looking to my kid, who is 12 now, I am giving up on this thought. and I am not sure whether he is doing this for feelings or just because he is not getting a woman of his choice to marry. My family members are saying that he has no feelings for me and my son but he is just calling me back for his adjustments. I don't know I should trust him or not.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What sort of a game is this? Like children fighting on one day and not speaking with one another and then making up the next day only to fight again...
Why so much of vacillation on your part? When you two separated, was it a conscious move or was it on an impulse?
Also, be very cautious as to why he is insistent on getting back with you?
Also, has he changed his ways and will he be more available to the family now? Wasn't this the reason that actually things went downhill for you?
Plus, he's looking at prospective brides...and you say that he is aggressive and impatient...

So, what is your confusion here?
What will you get by getting back with him?
What will you lose or not gain by not getting back with him?
Are you willing to make compromises to be with a person that you call aggressive?
How is this going to affect your child given that your ex-husband is not emotionally or financially stable?

Weigh it all out and then make a decision that is right by you and for you and for your child.

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |255 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am single mother of 12 year old boy and got divorced last year after 7 years of living seperate from my ex husband, I got married in 2010 through matrimonial site and had very toxic and abusive relationship, so I came to my maternal home in 2016 completely. There were many occasions when he approached me and promised to behave properly but failed to do so . He only filed for divorce by making false accusations of being characterless. I gave him divorce and in return I got very less alimony or the amount which was given in cash to them in my marriage. Now I came to know that he remarried and living his life . He is still in contact with my son and sometimes he blame me and my parents for this divorce. My first question is that is he trying to manipulate my son ( he is not bearing any education expenses of my son) And when I ask my son if I can also move on in my life, he refuses and says I don't want to share you with anyone. So I am very confused.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've been facing. It sounds like you've been through a lot and are trying to navigate a difficult situation for both yourself and your son.

Regarding your ex-husband's behavior, it's possible that he may be trying to manipulate your son, especially if he is blaming you and your parents for the divorce. Children can be susceptible to manipulation, especially when they're caught in the middle of a divorce. It's important to maintain open communication with your son and reassure him that the divorce was not his fault and that both you and your ex-husband still love him.

As for your son's reluctance to see you move on, it's not uncommon for children of divorce to struggle with the idea of one or both parents moving on and forming new relationships. Your son may fear losing the close relationship he has with you or worry about how a new relationship might change his life. It's essential to validate his feelings and reassure him that your love for him will not change, regardless of any new relationships you may have.

It might also be helpful to involve a therapist or counselor who can work with both you and your son to navigate these emotions and provide support during this challenging time. Additionally, continuing to foster a strong, positive relationship with your son and maintaining open communication will be crucial as you both move forward.

Ultimately, while it's important to consider your son's feelings, it's also essential for you to take care of yourself and pursue your own happiness. Balancing your needs with those of your son can be challenging, but with time, patience, and support, you can find a way forward that works for both of you.

..Read more

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Moneywize

Moneywize   |122 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 13, 2024Hindi
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Money
Ours is a family of 3 people -- My wife, I and my daughter who is 15. I am 39, my wife is 37 and our monthly expenses are Rs 90K. I own my house and expect to have no fixed income after 65 years, and expect to live till 75. Considering the ever increasing price rise what should be my corpus at 65 for me to continue living the life style I am living today?
Ans: Calculating your retirement corpus:

Here's how to estimate the corpus you'll need to maintain your current lifestyle after retirement:

1. Retirement period:

You plan to retire at 65 and expect to live till 75. So, your retirement period is 75 - 65 = 10 years.

2. Inflation adjustment:

You've rightly considered inflation. To estimate future expenses, we need to factor in inflation. A safe assumption for India is 5-7% inflation. Let's take an average of 6%.

3. Current monthly expenses:

You spend Rs 90,000 per month currently.

4. Future monthly expenses:

To find the monthly expense at retirement (at 65), we need to consider inflation for 26 years (39 years till retirement + 10 years retirement).

You can use an inflation calculator online or a simple formula:

Future monthly expense = Current monthly expense * (1 + Inflation rate)^number of years

In your case, Future monthly expense = Rs 90,000 * (1 + 0.06)^26 ≈ Rs 3,28,550 (approximately Rs 3.29 lakh)

5. Total corpus calculation:

Now you can calculate the total corpus needed. Here's a common approach:

Total corpus = Monthly expense * Number of years in retirement * 12 (months)

However, this method doesn't consider the fact that you'll be withdrawing money every month, reducing the corpus. A more accurate method is using the Time Value of Money (TVM) concept. There are online TVM calculators or Excel functions you can use.

Here's an alternative approach that provides a reasonable estimate:

Multiply the future monthly expense (Rs 3.29 lakh) by a factor considering inflation over the period. This factor can vary depending on your risk tolerance and investment strategy. A factor of 200 is often used as a conservative estimate.
Total corpus = Rs 3.29 lakh/month * 200 (factor) = Rs 6.58 crore (approximately Rs 658 million)

Additional factors to consider:

• Daughter's future expenses: Your daughter will be an adult by the time you retire. While she won't be financially dependent, consider any potential future support you might want to provide for her education or marriage.
• Healthcare costs: Healthcare expenses tend to increase with age. Factor in potential medical needs during retirement.
• Debt: If you have any outstanding debt by the time you retire, you'll need to account for its repayment in your corpus calculation.
• Investment returns: The corpus amount assumes a certain rate of return on your investments. Research different investment options and their potential returns to refine your calculations.

Recommendation:

Consult a financial advisor for a personalised retirement plan considering your specific financial situation, risk tolerance, and investment goals. They can help you create a more comprehensive plan and suggest suitable investment strategies to achieve your corpus target.

Remember, this is an estimate. Regularly review your plan and adjust it based on changing circumstances.

...Read more

Mayank

Mayank Chandel  |1003 Answers  |Ask -

IIT-JEE, NEET-UG, SAT, CLAT, CA, CS Exam Expert - Answered on Jun 24, 2024

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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