I am single mother of 12 year old boy and got divorced last year after 7 years of living seperate from my ex husband, I got married in 2010 through matrimonial site and had very toxic and abusive relationship, so I came to my maternal home in 2016 completely. There were many occasions when he approached me and promised to behave properly but failed to do so . He only filed for divorce by making false accusations of being characterless. I gave him divorce and in return I got very less alimony or the amount which was given in cash to them in my marriage. Now I came to know that he remarried and living his life . He is still in contact with my son and sometimes he blame me and my parents for this divorce. My first question is that is he trying to manipulate my son ( he is not bearing any education expenses of my son) And when I ask my son if I can also move on in my life, he refuses and says I don't want to share you with anyone. So I am very confused.

Ans:

Dear K,

What advice will you give a close friend if she came to you with the same problem that you have stated? Will you ask her to reconcile or keep her sanity intact?

Controlling the spouse is a classic way of coping for insecurity related issues within a relationship.

Being years older to you and having a young wife possibly might have given him goosebumps of you being attractive to people your age.

Whatever the reason, being passive aggressive and registering his insecurity through not talking for months, stalking you, monitoring your social media accounts, threatening to blackmail you with screenshots from your previous affairs; does it all sound like he is a person who you want to spend your life with?

If you still feel there is small chance and you want to, seek the help of a professional who can work with him and then the two of you to create an element of trust that is absolutely missing.

Any relationship that lacks trust, just crumbles as the foundation is weak and every little act that questions the other person’s integrity drives a further wedge.

You have a child that is dependent on you; be strong and whichever way that you choose, drive it…Inaction is what is causing you health issues, so do something NOW.

All the best and Be Strong.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What sort of a game is this? Like children fighting on one day and not speaking with one another and then making up the next day only to fight again...
Why so much of vacillation on your part? When you two separated, was it a conscious move or was it on an impulse?
Also, be very cautious as to why he is insistent on getting back with you?
Also, has he changed his ways and will he be more available to the family now? Wasn't this the reason that actually things went downhill for you?
Plus, he's looking at prospective brides...and you say that he is aggressive and impatient...

So, what is your confusion here?
What will you get by getting back with him?
What will you lose or not gain by not getting back with him?
Are you willing to make compromises to be with a person that you call aggressive?
How is this going to affect your child given that your ex-husband is not emotionally or financially stable?

Weigh it all out and then make a decision that is right by you and for you and for your child.

All the best!

Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've been facing. It sounds like you've been through a lot and are trying to navigate a difficult situation for both yourself and your son.

Regarding your ex-husband's behavior, it's possible that he may be trying to manipulate your son, especially if he is blaming you and your parents for the divorce. Children can be susceptible to manipulation, especially when they're caught in the middle of a divorce. It's important to maintain open communication with your son and reassure him that the divorce was not his fault and that both you and your ex-husband still love him.

As for your son's reluctance to see you move on, it's not uncommon for children of divorce to struggle with the idea of one or both parents moving on and forming new relationships. Your son may fear losing the close relationship he has with you or worry about how a new relationship might change his life. It's essential to validate his feelings and reassure him that your love for him will not change, regardless of any new relationships you may have.

It might also be helpful to involve a therapist or counselor who can work with both you and your son to navigate these emotions and provide support during this challenging time. Additionally, continuing to foster a strong, positive relationship with your son and maintaining open communication will be crucial as you both move forward.

Ultimately, while it's important to consider your son's feelings, it's also essential for you to take care of yourself and pursue your own happiness. Balancing your needs with those of your son can be challenging, but with time, patience, and support, you can find a way forward that works for both of you.

Ans: People are complicated, and it’s not uncommon for someone who has hurt others to later shift their behavior—sometimes due to life changes, or sometimes because they are trying to make up for their past mistakes. It could be that your ex-husband feels guilt for what he did and is trying to "overcorrect" by showing more care now. This doesn’t erase what happened in the past, and it’s understandable that it would be difficult to reconcile these two sides of him.

In situations like this, it’s important to stay focused on what matters most: your son’s well-being and emotional health. It sounds like you’ve done an incredible job not letting your own hurt color how your son sees his father, which takes a lot of strength. Children will eventually see the full picture as they grow older, and your son is already starting to form his own understanding, especially after his reaction to his father's remarriage.

If your ex is trying to show love now, it may be confusing for your son, especially given the history of harm. Your role can be to provide a stable, open environment where he feels safe to express his feelings. It’s important to let him know that whatever he feels is okay—whether he’s confused, angry, or sad—and that you’re there to listen without judgment.

As for why your ex is acting this way now, it could be a mix of guilt, a desire to appear better, or a new relationship that makes him feel more secure. But the reasons behind his behavior are less important than how you support your son through this. Continue being that steady presence for him, and make sure he knows his feelings are valid. Eventually, the truth of who his father is—both the good and bad—will become clear to him on his own terms.

Lastly, while it’s hard to see someone who caused you so much pain pretend to be someone different, remember that your emotional strength is in how you’ve handled things so far. Your son will learn from your integrity and grace, and that’s something no one can take away from you.