My daughter 26 years is diagnosed as BPD. She is depressed , over sensitive, very angry, resentful, abusive. She believes that every one in the family is treating her badly, belittle her, she and her brother are not treated equally. Specially,me, her mother, is not emotionally available to her , doesn't take her side and quarrel with all whoever she is angry with, never protects her if anyone compared or abused her verbally. According to her I love her younger brother 19 years more, and donot reprimand him for his mischief and don't banish him from home because she feels uncomfortable and threatened at his presence. Most of her complaints are either imaginary or exaggerated. She refused to get treated even after taking to 4 doctors on the ground that she is unwell due to treatment she received in the family and we must compensate her damage by fulfilling her wishes like cutting relationship with her brother and quarrelling with her extended family. She even physically and verbally abuse me every day Please guide me how to deal with her and help her as she is refusing treatment and at the same time keep the family intact.

Ans: She sounds clinically depressed and definitely needs help. If not a psychiatrist, she can at least start visiting a psychotherapist to help; she need not take medication if she doesn’t want to, but going without any help at all is dangerous.
You have your children to think of too…explain to her that she has to do this for their sake, if not hers. They deserve a well-adjusted, responsible mother and not someone who is too selfish to see to their needs.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
No one likes criticism and each of us react to it differently...
But it is also necessary to give people feedback and feedback which is not in their favor will be construed as criticism.
This is how they can retract into their shell and not change anything even if the change is beneficial to them.
So, if you want to send feedback to your wife, two things:
1. Convert statements of feedback into questions.
Eg: This way of doing things is going to make you lose more time...Instead say: Do you feel that if there was a better way according to you to do this, you might have more time for yourself and also tire less?
More words but conveys the same without an accusation or instruction

2. Go to a professional who can make a clear diagnosis; medicines have effect till they last and then it's back to the drawing board. Help your wife develop a sense of fulfilment from within. It could be that she is finding her routine very monotonous and dull which throws her emotions off balance. So, have her work with a person who can get to the bottom of her mood swings

These 2 suggestions in my opinion can make a huge difference to your marriage and home.

All the best!

Ans: Dear SN,

I can understand how challenging it must be to deal with your daughter's behavior. It's concerning that she's been displaying this attitude since she was young and that it's causing such turmoil within your family.

Consider seeking the help of a family therapist or counselor who specializes in dealing with family conflicts. A professional can provide an objective perspective and offer strategies for improving communication and resolving conflicts.It's important to establish clear boundaries with your daughter regarding her behavior. Let her know what behaviors are unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed.
Encourage Open Communication: Even though your daughter may be resistant to discussion, continue to encourage open communication within the family. Let her know that you're willing to listen to her perspective and work together to find solutions. Instead of solely focusing on her negative behavior, try to reinforce positive behaviors when you see them. Praise her when she acts respectfully or cooperatively, and try to reinforce those behaviors. Show your daughter how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts peacefully by modeling those behaviors yourself. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or confrontations, and instead, try to remain calm and rational.If your daughter is open to it, encourage her to seek therapy on her own. A therapist can help her explore the underlying reasons for her behavior and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage your daughter to reflect on her behavior and its impact on herself and others. Help her recognize the importance of empathy and understanding in maintaining healthy relationships.
It may take time and patience, but with consistent effort and support, there is hope for improvement. Remember to take care of yourselves and seek support from other family members or friends if needed.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Has she been clinically diagnosed OR is this self-diagnosis based on which you are medicating her everyday...
If what you say is a validated fact, then YES, she needs some sort on intervention by an expert who will suggest subtle lifestyle changes to manage the emotional roller coaster ride. It will not just help your wife but also the family members who will be better equipped to handle any outbursts...
So, make the so-called impossible, possible as that will save a lot of pain at home. Baby steps on this one...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: The first step is to create a safe space where she can talk about her emotions without fear of judgment or dismissal. Try to approach her with empathy and patience. Instead of telling her she is wrong, ask her to share her feelings. You can say something like, "We love you, and it hurts us to see you so distant. Can we talk about what made you feel this way? We genuinely want to understand." Avoid arguments and comparisons with her brother—focus only on her feelings.

It may take time for her to open up, especially if she has built emotional walls. If she refuses to engage, writing a heartfelt letter might help, as she can read it in her own time. Also, consider seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist who can mediate conversations and guide the healing process.

Your daughter is at an age where independence and self-identity are important, so giving her space while keeping the lines of communication open is key. The goal is not to force a relationship but to gently rebuild trust so she feels emotionally safe with you again.