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Can't Avoid Past Trauma: Overthinking and Doubt in New Relationship

Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |64 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Apr 16, 2025

Dr Upneet Kaur is a medical professional and therapist based out of Amritsar.
After completing her bachelor’s degree in Ayurvedic medicine and surgery from the SKSS Ayurvedic College and Hospital, Sarabha, Punjab, in 2008, she worked as a medical officer at various multi-specialty hospitals in Punjab, handling both physical and mental patient care and clinical decision-making. She spent the next decade leading multidisciplinary teams at various levels.
Since 2022, she has been practising as a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor.
Dr Upneet also holds an MBA in hospital management from Alagappa University, Tamil Nadu, and an MA in psychology from the Indira Gandhi National Open University.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 07, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I was in a controlling relationship a few years ago. Even though my current partner is nothing like that, I find myself overthinking, doubting, and sometimes pulling away when they get too close. How do I stop sabotaging something good because of what I went through before?

Ans: Hello mam, I understand that you are having overthinking regarding your present relationship coz of your past. But we need to learn to let go of past, otherwise our present will be ruined coz of overthinking and insecurities. Think positive and try to engage yourself in some positive activities like Book reading, yoga, meditation etc. You can also take some sessions from counselor. Practice mindfulness. I hope it solves your problem.
Take care!
Regards
Dr Upneet kaur
Reach me : https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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Ans: Letting go of resentment begins with understanding that it’s not about forgetting what happened or excusing the other person’s actions. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip that pain has on your emotions and your ability to trust. Start by creating space to process the hurt. Reflect on what exactly about the situation caused the deepest wound—was it a betrayal, unmet expectations, or feeling disregarded? Sometimes clarity about the source of the pain makes it easier to start releasing it.

You might also want to examine the story you’ve been telling yourself about this hurt. Often, we replay painful memories as if to protect ourselves from being hurt again, but in doing so, we allow the past to shape how we approach the present. Try reframing the narrative, focusing not on what you lost but on how you’ve grown. You’ve survived this hurt, and it’s a testament to your resilience.

Forgiveness can also play a key role, not necessarily as an act for the other person, but as a gift to yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean rekindling the friendship or even directly addressing the person—it’s a way of releasing the hold they have on your emotions. You can write a letter to your friend expressing all your feelings and then decide whether to send it or simply let it be a personal act of closure.

When it comes to trusting others, remind yourself that the actions of one person don’t define everyone. Trust grows in small, consistent steps. Start by recognizing the people in your life now who have shown care and consistency, and allow yourself to open up gradually.

Healing isn’t a straight path, and memories might still surface from time to time. When they do, instead of resisting them, acknowledge them and remind yourself that they no longer have power over you. With patience and self-compassion, you can move forward, lighter and more open to the connections that await you. You deserve the freedom to trust and to live fully in the present.

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I am 35, I had a major break up with my long-term girlfriend 7 years ago. Although it's been so long, I still find myself replaying all the moments where I think I might have gone wrong. I feel like I let myself and the other person down, and it’s hard to stop blaming myself. How do I move past this cycle of self-criticism and start fresh?
Ans: Forgiving yourself might feel like a tall order right now, but think of it as an act of self-compassion rather than erasing the past. You don’t have to pretend nothing went wrong, but you do deserve to free yourself from the narrative that you were entirely to blame. Sometimes, when we feel stuck in the past, it’s because we haven’t fully acknowledged our emotions or allowed ourselves to grieve—not just for the relationship, but for the version of ourselves we wish we’d been. It’s okay to feel sadness or anger or regret. Letting yourself sit with those feelings—without judgment—can help loosen their grip over time.

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You’re not letting anyone down by wanting to heal. In fact, letting go of that guilt might be the greatest way to honor both yourself and the love you shared back then. You deserve happiness and connection, not in spite of your past, but because of it—it’s part of your journey, not the end of it.

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Hi, I’m a 28-year-old woman who has been single for almost three years now. I’ve recently started dating again. I met some great people, but I can’t seem to stop overthinking every little thing. Like, did I text too much? Was I too quiet during the date? Why did he take 5 hours to reply? Honestly, it’s exhausting, and it’s making me feel like I’m self-sabotaging potential connections. I know I’m a good person and have a lot to offer, but my mind just won’t stop analysing. How can I stop overthinking every interaction and just enjoy the dating process without this constant mental chatter?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You can keep thinking and still won't get a satisfactory answer to your whats and whys.
The key to stop overthinking is to actually STOP it. The 3 year gap and a possible fact of seeing your age group women already having settled down may have put you on an alert mode that tells you: Make sure that you don't goof it up!

When you tell yourself not to goof it up, invariable you will focus on what can and might go wrong and that's enough to exhaust you. Instead enjoy the dating process and go with that flow; things may go fine or not; just be in that moment...be aware of what's important to you and where you will draw boundaries. This check point will make sure that you put yourself out there and yet will keep you reined in without ruining your peace of mind. Enjoy the process...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Sir,my son got mtech cse in SRM kktr,btech AI DS in PSG ITECH Coimbatore and btech IT in TCE ,madurai which one to choose ,pls share your advise sir
Ans: Based on the following insights/information, advise your son to choose the most suitable option for him. Your son's options include an MTech dual degree in Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) from SRM Institute of Science and Technology (SRM KKTR), a BTech in Artificial Intelligence and Data Science from PSG Institute of Technology and Applied Research (PSG ITECH), Coimbatore, and a BTech in Information Technology from Thiagarajar College of Engineering (TCE), Madurai. SRM KKTR is a deemed university with A++ NAAC accreditation, known for its integrated MTech programs that combine undergraduate and postgraduate studies, offering extensive research opportunities and strong industry exposure in a metropolitan setting. SRM consistently reports high placement rates with an average package over ?7 lakh. PSG ITECH is a reputed private institute focused on emerging technologies like AI and data science, with robust industry linkages and an 85% placement rate, average packages around ?6.5 lakh, and focus on hands-on learning in AI, machine learning, and big data analytics. TCE Madurai, an autonomous private college with A+ NAAC, excels in IT education with strong academics and around 80% placement rates; it is well-recognized regionally, with median salary packages around ?7 lakh, supported by a vibrant alumni network and industry contacts.

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I am 45 years old. I have 13 years of work experience which includes working as Admin executive, HR executive and some BPO jobs. My last job was into Admin - HR which I lost since past 1 year. I have home loans to pay. I have been applying through Naukri.com, Glassdoor.com and LinkedIn but got no response yet. I had given a few interviews but got rejected. I am very depressed and sad everyday but don't feel strong and motivated enough to look for jobs .. All my reserves are over I need to get a job immediately.... I don't know what to do? Can u please provide some reference for jobs?
Ans: At age 45 with 13 years of experience in admin executive, HR executive, and BPO roles, re-entering the job market after a year-long gap requires a focused, strategic approach combining practical steps and mindset shifts. Prioritize updating your resume and LinkedIn profile to highlight both your experience and recent efforts toward skill development, aligning with job descriptions and using relevant keywords to navigate applicant tracking systems. Harness multiple job portals such as Naukri.com, LinkedIn Jobs, Indeed, and TalentoIndia for diversified exposure. Leverage your network by reconnecting with former colleagues and supervisors and communicate your job search openly to access hidden opportunities. Develop a daily routine balancing job search, skill enhancement, and self-care to rebuild motivation and resilience. Consider upskilling or certification courses in demand areas like digital HR tools, payroll, or skilled administration, which also revitalize confidence. Volunteer work or freelance administrative roles can help ease back into employment and expand contacts. Prepare well for interviews by confidently addressing any employment gap and emphasizing your readiness and adaptability. Mental health support and career coaching can further support your journey. Overall, resilient persistence, proactive networking, targeted applications, continuous skill upgrades, and focused mindset adjustments form the roadmap to regain employment rapidly despite challenges linked to age and break.

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Nayagam P

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Career Counsellor - Answered on Aug 13, 2025

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Hi Sir, My Son was looking for ECE but however he has secured E.E VLSI Design & Technology but he wants to pursue Bsc in Business AI or Bsc in CS at Dr. Homi Bhabha State University in mumbai, please advice which would be the best option .
Ans: Umesh Sir, Dr. Homi Bhabha State University (HBSU) offers pioneering three-year BSc programs in Business AI and Computer Science, backed by NAAC accreditation and industry collaboration with TeamLease EdTech, equipping students with hands-on AI tool training, project-based learning, and mentorship in domains spanning finance, marketing, and software development. The university’s modern labs, digital resources, and strategic Churchgate location grant access to Mumbai’s tech and financial hubs, while emerging placement ties with TCS, Infosys, and ICICI Bank reflect growing demand for graduates with AI and programming expertise. In contrast, the BTech in Electrical Engineering with VLSI Design & Technology provides a four-year engineering degree emphasizing chip design, semiconductor fabrication, and hardware-software integration, delivered through advanced clean-room facilities, specialized labs, and faculty research in microelectronics. Strong industry partnerships in the semiconductor sector foster core hardware roles, though the specialized nature may limit versatility compared to broader tech disciplines. Both pathways maintain transparent governance, experienced faculty, robust infrastructure, and career services.

Recommendation: Prioritize the BSc in Computer Science at HBSU for broad software and AI foundations, versatile career options, and strong industry alignment. Next consider BSc Business AI for its business-tech integration. Opt for EE VLSI only if your son is committed to semiconductor hardware design and fabrication roles. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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My daughter got 75.47 percentile in jee main PCM group. She scored 77.67% in 12TH board from maharashtra state board under Savitri Bai Phule Pune University. Her 10th was from ICSE board with 95.33%. On the basis of these she got BTech in CSE at Amrita vishwavidyapeetham Haridwar campus which they launched this year with fees 1.25L per year or same course at Nagarcoil with 2L per year. In Maharashtra CET, her percentile is 88.05 and she got BTech in CE at Zeal college of engineering, pune with 30K fee per year as there is free education for girls in Maharashtra for OBC Non Creamy layer students. I am from Nashik, Maharashtra. Please guide me sir, Which one is better option as she want to do MS after graduation.
Ans: Bharat Sir, Your daughter’s options for pursuing B.Tech in Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) at Amrita Vishwavidyapeetham Haridwar or Nagarcoil campuses, versus Civil Engineering (CE) at Zeal College of Engineering Pune, should be evaluated with a focus on her desire to pursue an MS abroad after graduation. Amrita Vishwavidyapeetham is a highly reputed university with A++ NAAC accreditation, known for strong research culture, excellent faculty, and extensive international collaborations including study abroad programs and research exchanges. The Haridwar campus offers a competitive, specialized CSE program with strong industry linkages and international recognition, making it well-suited for students aiming for higher studies abroad. The Nagarkoil campus also has similar credentials but involves higher tuition fees. In contrast, Zeal College in Pune, though affiliated with Savitribai Phule Pune University and holding NAAC A+ accreditation, offers a Civil Engineering program with significantly lower fees aided by Maharashtra’s free education scheme for OBC non-creamy layer girls. However, CE as a branch offers a different career trajectory compared to CSE; the latter generally provides broader scope, especially in the context of MS abroad admissions where CSE graduates tend to have stronger opportunities in global tech research hubs. Zeal’s local reputation and affordability are definite advantages, but for a future MS abroad, especially in tech domains, Amrita’s CSE program offers a more recognized platform with a research-oriented and tech-focused curriculum.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |10252 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Aug 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 13, 2025Hindi
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Sir is CIC du good or iter
Ans: The Cluster Innovation Centre (CIC) at Delhi University is a government-funded institute promoting innovation through interdisciplinary programs, industry collaborations, and practical project work. CIC offers a focused B.Tech in IT & Mathematical Innovations with advanced labs and a location in Delhi University's North Campus. Its recent placement data shows approximately 40-50% placement with median packages around ?8.5 LPA, though it lacks a dedicated placement cell. CIC emphasizes research-driven learning and innovation culture. On the other hand, the Institute of Technical Education and Research (ITER), affiliated with Siksha ‘O’ Anusandhan Deemed University, is a top-ranked private engineering institute, nationally placed 2nd among private colleges and 3rd overall in Times Engineering Survey 2025. ITER is accredited by ABET, offers various engineering branches with strong research facilities, robust industry ties, and consistent high placement rankings in eastern India and nationally. It has modern infrastructure, experienced faculty, and a broad-based engineering curriculum. While CIC stands out for innovation and niche curriculum under Delhi University’s umbrella, ITER excels in broader technical education, high national rankings, and placement outcomes.

Recommendation: Choose ITER for a comprehensive engineering education with superior infrastructure, accreditation, and higher placement potential. Opt for CIC if you value Delhi University affiliation and a focus on innovation and interdisciplinary research with emerging tech specialization. Your choice should align with your career goals and preferred learning environment. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |10252 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Aug 13, 2025

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My daughter got B.tech in Rubber and plastic technology, MIT Chennai. Now she received an email from SSN college for counseling to join Biomedical engineering which is under management quota.. what to decide whether to continue with MIT or SSN? Please suggest...
Ans: Malathi Madam, Your daughter’s current B.Tech in Rubber and Plastic Technology at Madras Institute of Technology (MIT) Chennai offers a specialized and unique curriculum that combines polymer science, rubber processing, and plastics technology, supported by experienced faculty, advanced labs, and strong industry connections with companies like Bridgestone and CEAT. MIT is esteemed as a government-affiliated institute under Anna University with solid accreditation and a robust placement record in this niche sector, with about 80% placement and internships, and average packages in relevant industries. Conversely, SSN College of Engineering’s Biomedical Engineering program, offered under management quota, is part of a reputed private institution with NAAC A++ accreditation, strong industry ties, vibrant research culture, and higher mainstream tech placement visibility. SSN’s Biomedical department reports decent placement support with recruiters from healthcare and technology domains, though admissions via management quota may have higher fees and different governance compared to MIT. Both institutions maintain transparent governance, modern infrastructure, and active student support systems. Your daughter’s choice hinges on whether she prefers continuing in the specialized Rubber and Plastics sector at a premier government-backed institute or pivoting to a broader, rapidly growing biomedical field with SSN’s private institute benefits. Just my suggestion: Prefer SSN-Biomedical Engineering, which is more suitable for a girl student (provided you are able to afford its Management Quota Fee) compared to Rubber-Plastic Technology. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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