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Can't Avoid Past Trauma: Overthinking and Doubt in New Relationship

Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |77 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Apr 16, 2025

Dr Upneet Kaur is a medical professional and therapist based out of Amritsar.
After completing her bachelor’s degree in Ayurvedic medicine and surgery from the SKSS Ayurvedic College and Hospital, Sarabha, Punjab, in 2008, she worked as a medical officer at various multi-specialty hospitals in Punjab, handling both physical and mental patient care and clinical decision-making. She spent the next decade leading multidisciplinary teams at various levels.
Since 2022, she has been practising as a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor.
Dr Upneet also holds an MBA in hospital management from Alagappa University, Tamil Nadu, and an MA in psychology from the Indira Gandhi National Open University.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 07, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I was in a controlling relationship a few years ago. Even though my current partner is nothing like that, I find myself overthinking, doubting, and sometimes pulling away when they get too close. How do I stop sabotaging something good because of what I went through before?

Ans: Hello mam, I understand that you are having overthinking regarding your present relationship coz of your past. But we need to learn to let go of past, otherwise our present will be ruined coz of overthinking and insecurities. Think positive and try to engage yourself in some positive activities like Book reading, yoga, meditation etc. You can also take some sessions from counselor. Practice mindfulness. I hope it solves your problem.
Take care!
Regards
Dr Upneet kaur
Reach me : https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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You might also want to examine the story you’ve been telling yourself about this hurt. Often, we replay painful memories as if to protect ourselves from being hurt again, but in doing so, we allow the past to shape how we approach the present. Try reframing the narrative, focusing not on what you lost but on how you’ve grown. You’ve survived this hurt, and it’s a testament to your resilience.

Forgiveness can also play a key role, not necessarily as an act for the other person, but as a gift to yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean rekindling the friendship or even directly addressing the person—it’s a way of releasing the hold they have on your emotions. You can write a letter to your friend expressing all your feelings and then decide whether to send it or simply let it be a personal act of closure.

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Healing isn’t a straight path, and memories might still surface from time to time. When they do, instead of resisting them, acknowledge them and remind yourself that they no longer have power over you. With patience and self-compassion, you can move forward, lighter and more open to the connections that await you. You deserve the freedom to trust and to live fully in the present.

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You can keep thinking and still won't get a satisfactory answer to your whats and whys.
The key to stop overthinking is to actually STOP it. The 3 year gap and a possible fact of seeing your age group women already having settled down may have put you on an alert mode that tells you: Make sure that you don't goof it up!

When you tell yourself not to goof it up, invariable you will focus on what can and might go wrong and that's enough to exhaust you. Instead enjoy the dating process and go with that flow; things may go fine or not; just be in that moment...be aware of what's important to you and where you will draw boundaries. This check point will make sure that you put yourself out there and yet will keep you reined in without ruining your peace of mind. Enjoy the process...

All the best!
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Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |11023 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 09, 2026

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2026Hindi
Money
Hi, Am a regular reader of 'Money' section, and wanted to start by thanking you for sharing valuable insights and guidance. A common comment at the end of most of these suggestions is a recommendation to connect with a Certified Financial Planner, which is where my questions are: a) Do these CFPs charge basis a % of portfolio or hourly rate or any other basis? b) Could you please advise on a criteria for selection - is there a rating or grading information that can be viewed to decide on a particular planner? Could you share a few tips on how to make an educated choice? c) Is there a repository / directory that provides CFPs by area [e.g., I went to "FPSB India", and it did provide me with area based options, but only as a list of names. Not sure if it provides any further credentials. Are there any more such sites that helps with a brief Introduction / write-ups for CFPs before connecting with them? Thank you.
Ans: Thank you for reading the ‘Money’ section regularly and for your kind words. It is encouraging to see readers thinking deeply about advice quality and not just products. Your questions are very relevant and show a mature approach to personal finance.

» How Certified Financial Planners usually charge
– A Certified Financial Planner can operate under different models
– If the CFP is also registered as an Investment Adviser (RIA):

They may charge a fixed annual fee

Or an hourly / project-based fee

Or a combination of fixed fee plus a small percentage of assets under advice
– If the CFP is also a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD):

They do not charge fees directly to the client

They earn performance-linked commissions from mutual funds

This commission is built into the product cost and paid by the fund house
– The key point is transparency: a good CFP clearly explains how they are compensated before engagement

» How to choose the right Certified Financial Planner
– Start with credentials, not popularity
– Check that the person is an active CFP professional and not just using the term loosely
– Important selection criteria to consider:

Years of experience in comprehensive financial planning, not just selling products

Ability to cover all areas like goal planning, tax, insurance, retirement, estate basics

Process-driven approach rather than product-driven conversations

Willingness to understand your full financial picture before suggesting solutions
– During the first interaction, observe:

Are they asking more questions than giving quick answers?

Are they explaining concepts in simple language?

Are they comfortable saying “this is not suitable for you”?
– Comfort and trust matter; financial planning is a long-term relationship

» Ratings, reviews, and public information – practical view
– Unlike doctors or hotels, CFPs do not have a universal rating or grading system
– Online reviews can help, but should not be the only filter
– Consistency of thought, clarity of communication, and ethical positioning are more important than star ratings

» Directories and where to find CFPs
– FPSB India is the primary and official body that lists Certified Financial Planners
– Their directory helps you find CFPs city-wise, which is a good starting point
– The limitation, as you noticed, is that it mainly provides names and basic details
– Beyond this:

Many CFPs maintain their own websites, blogs, or YouTube channels where their thinking is visible

Articles, interviews, and long-form content give a better sense of philosophy than a simple profile
– There is no single platform today that provides detailed write-ups and comparisons of CFPs
– Hence, shortlisting 2–3 CFPs and having an introductory discussion is often the most practical method

» How to make an educated final choice
– Prefer planners who focus on planning before products
– Avoid those who push for immediate switches or drastic actions in the first meeting
– Ask clearly:

How will my progress be reviewed year after year?

How do you handle market ups and downs with clients?
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– Spend time evaluating the planner, just as they evaluate your finances
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Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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