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Stuck in a Grudge: How to Forgive a Friend Who Hurt Me?

Kanchan Rai |499 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 04, 2024Hindi

Relationship

I’ve been holding onto a grudge against a friend who hurt me years ago. While I’ve tried to move on, the memories keep coming back, and I feel like it’s stopping me from fully trusting others. How can I let go of this resentment and stop it from affecting my present relationships?

Ans: Letting go of resentment begins with understanding that it’s not about forgetting what happened or excusing the other person’s actions. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip that pain has on your emotions and your ability to trust. Start by creating space to process the hurt. Reflect on what exactly about the situation caused the deepest wound—was it a betrayal, unmet expectations, or feeling disregarded? Sometimes clarity about the source of the pain makes it easier to start releasing it.

You might also want to examine the story you’ve been telling yourself about this hurt. Often, we replay painful memories as if to protect ourselves from being hurt again, but in doing so, we allow the past to shape how we approach the present. Try reframing the narrative, focusing not on what you lost but on how you’ve grown. You’ve survived this hurt, and it’s a testament to your resilience.

Forgiveness can also play a key role, not necessarily as an act for the other person, but as a gift to yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean rekindling the friendship or even directly addressing the person—it’s a way of releasing the hold they have on your emotions. You can write a letter to your friend expressing all your feelings and then decide whether to send it or simply let it be a personal act of closure.

When it comes to trusting others, remind yourself that the actions of one person don’t define everyone. Trust grows in small, consistent steps. Start by recognizing the people in your life now who have shown care and consistency, and allow yourself to open up gradually.

Healing isn’t a straight path, and memories might still surface from time to time. When they do, instead of resisting them, acknowledge them and remind yourself that they no longer have power over you. With patience and self-compassion, you can move forward, lighter and more open to the connections that await you. You deserve the freedom to trust and to live fully in the present.

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Dr Ashish Sehgal |120 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 18, 2023

Question by Amore - Apr 14, 2023Hindi

Relationship

My girl was cheating me 2yrs back .. still we are in a relationship because I can't leave her but I don't forget that duration where she cheat me . Point is whenever I remind that I feel disturbed and become most negative person I'm .. Q. How to avoid that feeling?

Ans: It's understandable that the memory of your partner's infidelity still affects you, even after two years. It's important to recognize that these feelings are normal and valid, and it's okay to need time and space to heal.

One way to avoid these negative feelings is to focus on the present moment and the positive aspects of your relationship. Try to find ways to reconnect with your partner and build trust in your relationship. This may involve having open and honest conversations about your feelings and working together to establish clear boundaries and expectations for your relationship moving forward.

It's also important to take care of your mental health and well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your emotions and develop coping strategies. Additionally, practicing self-care, such as exercise, healthy eating, and relaxation techniques, can help improve your mood and overall well-being.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether or not you can move past the infidelity and continue the relationship. It's important to remember that forgiveness is a process, and it may take time to fully heal and trust your partner again. Whatever decision you make, it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being and do what's best for you.

Ravi Mittal |508 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024

Relationship

I'm seeing a girl. We have been friends for sometime snd have recently been seeing each other. Everything is good. Just that she had had prior relationships and hookups whereas i haven't. This thing of her past is bothering me and causing trouble in my head making it difficult to accept and go further. We have talked about it intensively but somewhere its still there. What can i do?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are feeling low and it is valid. But I also want you to remember that it is entirely a YOU issue and not HER. You are having a problem accepting that she has had past relationships and you haven't. Maybe it is an ego problem or just that you are feeling jealous that she has been with people who were not you. The reasoning is flawed, but that doesn't mean you cannot experience the emotions you are feeling right now. It's more common than you know. The only way out of it is to counsel yourself. Ask yourself how does it even matter? She did not know those relationships wouldn't work out; she did not know you; she was loyal to the people she was with at that point in time. If even after consistent self-counseling you are not being able to get rid of this nagging feeling, please reconsider this relationship. It's still very new and will hurt less to move on. It won't be fair to you or her to go on even when you have this thought at the back of your mind.

Best Wishes.

Kanchan Rai |499 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 05, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 05, 2025Hindi

Relationship

How to overcome from past memories

Ans: Healing from painful past memories is an intimate and deeply emotional journey. It’s not just about forgetting what happened but learning to carry those experiences in a way that doesn’t weigh you down.

Start by honoring your feelings. These memories are a part of your story, and the emotions tied to them are valid. Allow yourself to sit with the pain, the sadness, or even the anger, without rushing to push it away. Sometimes, simply acknowledging the hurt can bring a sense of release.

Mindfulness can be a gentle companion in this process. When the past pulls you back, focus on the present moment. Notice the feel of your breath, the warmth of the sun, or the grounding sensation of your feet on the floor. These small acts remind you that you are here, now, safe and capable of healing.

Embrace self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have scars and that healing takes time. You don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out. It’s enough to take one step at a time.

Sometimes, letting go means forgiving—not just others, but yourself too. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning what happened. It’s about freeing yourself from the chains of resentment and allowing space for peace and growth.

Surround yourself with warmth and support. Lean on those who uplift you, who remind you of your strength, and who offer you love without judgment. These connections can be a soothing balm for the soul.

Lastly, be patient with yourself. Healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have days when the past feels heavy again. Trust in your resilience and know that each day, you are growing stronger, finding new ways to hold your memories with tenderness rather than pain. You are worthy of peace, love, and joy in your present and future.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan |7593 Answers |Ask -Follow

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025Hindi

Money

Hello sir, I am 35yo with 2 (4yo, 1yo) children. Can I retire now, with following corpus: mutual fund and stocks : 3.5 crore, lands: 50 lakh, PF&PPF: 80 lakh, FD: 25 lakh, SGB &Gold:50 lakh. Currently doesn't own any house. Monthly expense is around 1 lakh.

Ans: Your corpus and monthly expenses show a solid foundation. Retirement at 35, however, requires careful assessment. Let’s analyse your situation step by step.

Current Financial Assets and Allocations

Mutual Funds and Stocks: Rs 3.5 crore

This is a significant part of your corpus. Equity investments offer high growth potential.

Lands: Rs 50 lakh

Real estate investments are illiquid. Consider them only for long-term growth or inheritance.

PF and PPF: Rs 80 lakh

These provide stability and assured returns. These are good for meeting long-term goals.

Fixed Deposit: Rs 25 lakh

FDs are low-risk and ensure liquidity. This is beneficial for emergencies.

SGB and Gold: Rs 50 lakh

Gold is a strong hedge against inflation. It also offers diversification.

Monthly Expense Analysis

Your monthly expense of Rs 1 lakh equates to Rs 12 lakh annually.

Accounting for inflation, this expense will grow over time. Planning for this is crucial.

Core Observations

Your total corpus is Rs 5.55 crore. This is substantial for your age.

Inflation and rising expenses over time will impact your corpus.

Without a house, rent becomes a recurring expense. Factor this into your calculations.

You have no guaranteed income sources post-retirement.

Key Areas of Improvement

Housing

Consider buying a house if feasible. Owning a house ensures stability and reduces rent.

Do not invest excessively in real estate as it is illiquid.

Corpus Utilisation

Avoid over-reliance on equity investments for withdrawals. Equity is volatile in the short term.

Use a mix of debt and equity for regular withdrawals.

Children’s Education and Marriage

Both are major financial goals. Plan dedicated investments for these.

Use long-term instruments for education and marriage funds.

Emergency Fund

Maintain an emergency fund of at least 12 months of expenses.

Keep it in liquid funds or high-yield savings accounts.

Recommended Financial Strategies

Asset Allocation

Diversify your portfolio across equity, debt, and gold.

Maintain 60% equity, 30% debt, and 10% gold as a starting point. Adjust as needed.

Mutual Fund Investments

Continue with actively managed funds. These can outperform index funds in emerging markets like India.

Avoid direct funds if you lack time or expertise. Regular funds offer advisor support and insights.

Debt Investments

Increase debt allocation for stability. Consider high-quality debt mutual funds.

Ensure these align with your withdrawal needs.

Tax Planning

Monitor tax implications of mutual fund withdrawals.

LTCG from equity funds above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Plan withdrawals to minimise tax liabilities.

Insurance Needs

Ensure adequate health insurance for your family. Cover at least Rs 25 lakh for each member.

Check if you have term insurance. Secure Rs 2-3 crore coverage for your family’s financial safety.

Inflation and Lifestyle Adjustments

Inflation can erode your purchasing power. Plan investments to counter inflation.

Avoid lifestyle inflation. Stick to essential expenses wherever possible.

Income Generation Options

Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP)

Use SWP from mutual funds for regular income.

Choose hybrid funds for better stability and returns.

Rental Income

Invest part of your corpus in commercial properties.

Ensure this aligns with your liquidity needs and risk profile.

Freelance or Part-Time Work

Consider light work for additional income. It can extend your corpus.

Use your skills to generate flexible income streams.

Monitoring and Review

Review your portfolio annually. Adjust allocations as goals evolve.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner for periodic checks.

Final Insights

Retirement at 35 is ambitious but achievable with meticulous planning. Your current corpus is strong, but consider the following:

Plan for inflation, children’s needs, and healthcare costs.

Diversify investments and secure guaranteed income sources.

Avoid premature decisions. Evaluate thoroughly before retiring.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

Rajesh Kumar Singh |39 Answers |Ask -Follow

IIT-JEE, GATE Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Question by Rajan - Jan 20, 2025

Career

My son appears for +2 cbse board this year 2025. He is also writing iit jee mains exam, his group PCM&cs and good in score in (95%)maths, (85%)chemistry and cs (95%) , physics, english average.. Can he pursue btech ( data science) or BE (CS) BE(iT) Pls advice best for him, he is well in python and good in sql data analysis, excellent in problem solving in maths

Ans: BE (CS) ,BE(IT) is better. AI/ML is the future. Let him appear in hackathons to know his position

Rajesh Kumar Singh |39 Answers |Ask -Follow

IIT-JEE, GATE Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Question by Hemanth - Jan 20, 2025Hindi

Career

Am 33 years old, MALE. Working as IT admin in a Rural Co-operative bank, Am having knowledge on SQL, Domain, Database Management, banking and Networking. I want to move to Bangalore for higher paying job, am I still got chance to get myself placed in a MNC, shall i go for Cyber Security or Coding Domain. Please guide me. And which course or certification suits me at.

Ans: reputed Cyber Security or Coding Domain good , speak to industry people before leaving present job

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Plastic-Aesthetic Surgeon, Emergency Care Consultant - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 07, 2025Hindi

Health

How to avoid habit of nail biting?

Ans: You need to control your urgent , be less stressed and distract yourself by by being busy.
But if still it doesn't get controlled, pl see a psychologist

Ravi Mittal |508 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 15, 2025

Relationship

my mom and dad knows about me and my boyfriend .. me and my bf have never had anything sexual or something ever . but my mom the other day saw a pic of him and me in which he had his hand on my waist ans she had it up all against me she started saying all those mean thing and comparing me with the other girls who become physical in relationship . what do i do

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are in a tricky situation. First, let's acknowledge that couples who decide to get intimate are not "bad." Their choice is just different from yours. You can try to explain the same to your mother- though it will be tough, everyone needs to understand this. Secondly, in this situation, all you can do is let her know that her upbringing will never allow you to lie to your mom or cross boundaries that will hurt her and your dad. This way, you might be able to regain her trust.
Best Wishes.

Ravi Mittal |508 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi

Relationship

What types of questions should I asked to a boy on the first meeting??

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is no hard and fast rule that you have to ask a certain set of questions. You can ask anything you like- things that are important to you, deal breakers, attributes you would want in your partner, etc. Anything that isn't rude, or too intrusive is okay. For instance, you can ask him what are his hobbies, passions, and career plans; does he like to travel, what are his values, his religious and political stance, does he drink or smoke, is he outgoing or loves to spend most of his time indoors, family plans, does he want kids, etc. These are all questions that will help you get a better picture of who this person is- but most importantly, let the conversation flow on its own. You do not have to make a questionnaire. You will get a fair idea of what to ask once you start talking.
Hope this helps.

Ravi Mittal |508 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 11, 2025Hindi

Relationship

I am a 20 years old guy and in my past romantic relationships, have shown signs of emotional instability, too much dependency and lack of awareness of boundaries which affected my relationships badly...I hadn’t interacted with people in a long while since 2020 (precisely when lockdown had started) and feel that some aspects of my personality are not developed fully as they should be at this age. How to work on this? Also, i have noticed that I am able to create a good first impression but it soon pales and I feel like I am subtly disrespected or talked down to, and this has been happening in all interactions...i am always respectful (often to a fault!) and even have people pleasing tendencies...i sometimes ask immature weird questions and that might probably be the reason (but they’re never inappropriate)...but i do want to gain insights into why i am experiencing what i am and how to navigate this situation well so that I can maintain healthy relationships in future. Thanks you!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I want you to understand that it is no small feat to realize the quirks and imperfections in ourselves- you have done it. Your effort to understand and rectify them deserves to be acknowledged and appreciated.
Now, coming to your question, I can only give you some general advice on each-
Emotional instability and dependency- these behavioral patterns can stem from various factors; it can be a lack of confidence or some past issues that are left unresolved. It is difficult for me to tell you exactly why it is happening. It can also arise from a lack of validation. To manage it, you can focus on self-regulation- like meditation or journaling whenever you feel these emotions rising. This way you are expressing them but not damaging your relationships. Take up new hobbies or goals. Achieving milestones can build confidence.
Navigating Boundaries- You can speak to your partner in the early stage of the relationship to understand their boundaries. This way there will be clarity and you won't overstep. You can set up some boundaries too.
For better interpersonal skills, you can proactively follow some rules- like active listening, avoiding overthinking, asking open-ended questions, and resisting the urge to seek your partner's approval.
About the awkward questions- it is important to understand that you might perceive them as awkward, but the person opposite to you might think of it as a genuine curiosity. As long as it isn't intrusive or inappropriate, there are no awkward questions.
Like these, I can only offer you some general advice. But the best advice of them all would be to seek counseling. It has done wonders for people. And the first step, which is identifying the issues is already done. Bravo! What's wrong with taking a little professional help in navigating the next steps? They can guide you in a more structured manner.
Hope this helps.

Kanchan Rai |499 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi

Relationship

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for the past 4 years, but due to various issues, things have become extremely complicated. Her father doesn’t approve of me, and my mother doesn’t like her either. Despite this, we’ve managed to stay together all these years. The problem is now escalating. My family is pressuring me to marry someone else, but I’m unable to leave her. At the same time, I feel I can’t marry her either because of her behavior and the ongoing issues with my family. I’ve tried to ask her to change certain things, but she hasn’t made any efforts in that direction. To make matters worse, her mother supports our relationship and trusts me, which makes it even harder for me to walk away. I don’t want her to marry someone else, but I also feel stuck because of my family’s expectations and the challenges in our relationship. Even If I leave her I don't know what she is going to do. What should I do in this situation to make the best decision for everyone involved?

Ans: it's crucial to reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship brings you the happiness and fulfillment you seek, or if the challenges you face are too significant to overcome. It's important to differentiate between staying out of love and staying out of fear or obligation.

Talking to your partner openly is essential. Share your concerns honestly and listen to her perspective. If there are changes you've hoped for, express why they matter to you. At the same time, recognize that change is a two-way street—it requires effort and willingness from both sides. If she hasn't made efforts in the areas you've discussed, it may be worth considering whether this is a pattern that can be changed or a fundamental mismatch in expectations.

Your family's disapproval complicates things further, but it's important to remember that this is your life and relationship. While their opinions are significant, they shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in your happiness. Balancing respect for their wishes with your own needs is a delicate task, but ultimately, you need to make a decision that feels right for you.

If the relationship feels unsustainable despite your efforts, it may be time to consider a different path. It's understandable that you’re concerned about her well-being, especially given her mother's trust in you, but staying out of guilt or obligation can lead to further unhappiness for both of you. If you decide to part ways, doing so with kindness and honesty can help mitigate some of the hurt.

Ultimately, this decision is deeply personal. Weighing your feelings, the relationship dynamics, and your family's expectations will guide you toward a resolution that prioritizes your well-being and future happiness.

Kanchan Rai |499 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi

Relationship

My age is 41 years. I have two kids. Nurturing n looking after them n whole home single handedly. I am a visiting faculty in a institute . Earns very nominal earning. My husband hits me, taunts me and use very arrogant words to me like tumhe belt se maarunga n similar many worst words. His family has been always unsupportive to me . Now after 16 years of marriage, he still wants me to please his mother n other family. Which I completely avoid as they have never supported me and always boycotted me. His real brother is in politics and all family members including his cousins do follow him and boycotted me n husband. Now for everything my husband blames me and says if you gave pleased them, all might have good. But inspite of pleasing them a lot , they are like treating me like I am a stranger. I handle n manage everything still by the end of the day.... everything is in vain. Husband says...What you did for home? I will never ever give my money to you and so on. I am literally in trouble thoughts, what to do ? I even many times thought to end my life but my kids are the reason I continuously bears everything. Please suggest what shall I do.

Ans: it's important to acknowledge that no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect and abuse. Your feelings of isolation and frustration are valid. It can feel overwhelming when the people who should support you instead make you feel like an outsider.

In situations like this, it’s crucial to find support outside the immediate family. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who can offer you emotional strength and practical advice. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who can help you navigate these complex emotions and provide strategies for dealing with the abuse and stress.

You’ve shown immense resilience, especially for your children. They need you to be strong, and seeking help is a vital step in preserving your mental and emotional well-being. Remember, prioritizing your health is not selfish; it’s necessary for you and your children’s future.

Also, explore any legal avenues or resources available for individuals in abusive relationships. Local support organizations, legal aid, or women’s shelters can provide advice and assistance if you decide that leaving the relationship is the best option for your safety and well-being.

You have already shown great courage by managing so much on your own. Continue to seek out support and know that you are not alone in this journey. There are people and resources willing to help you find a path to a healthier and more secure life.

Milind Vadjikar |871 Answers |Ask -Follow

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 04, 2025Hindi

Money

I am in debt trape around 8.5 lac with personal loan and credit card due

Ans: Hello;

What is your current monthly income?

Do you have any disposable asset?

Please take your family and friend circle into confidence and explain your difficult situation.

First priority should be to settle credit card dues since they have a very high rate of interest.

Remember the age old saying to cut your cloth according to your size.

Stop using credit cards since it cultivates tendency of reckless spending in the absence of rigorous discipline.

Henceforth do not borrow except for home loan, as far as possible.

Best wishes;

See more questions »

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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