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Can't let go of my past mistakes. How can I move on after 7 years? (Desperate 35 year old)

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |493 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am 35, I had a major break up with my long-term girlfriend 7 years ago. Although it's been so long, I still find myself replaying all the moments where I think I might have gone wrong. I feel like I let myself and the other person down, and it’s hard to stop blaming myself. How do I move past this cycle of self-criticism and start fresh?

Ans: Forgiving yourself might feel like a tall order right now, but think of it as an act of self-compassion rather than erasing the past. You don’t have to pretend nothing went wrong, but you do deserve to free yourself from the narrative that you were entirely to blame. Sometimes, when we feel stuck in the past, it’s because we haven’t fully acknowledged our emotions or allowed ourselves to grieve—not just for the relationship, but for the version of ourselves we wish we’d been. It’s okay to feel sadness or anger or regret. Letting yourself sit with those feelings—without judgment—can help loosen their grip over time.

A fresh start begins with allowing yourself to be imperfect and to acknowledge your growth. Seven years is a long time, and you are not the same person you were back then. The lessons you’ve learned from this heartbreak have likely shaped you in ways you don’t even realize. If you can, try focusing on who you want to become rather than on who you were. What kind of relationships do you want to create in the future? What kind of kindness can you extend to yourself right now?

You’re not letting anyone down by wanting to heal. In fact, letting go of that guilt might be the greatest way to honor both yourself and the love you shared back then. You deserve happiness and connection, not in spite of your past, but because of it—it’s part of your journey, not the end of it.

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My girl was cheating me 2yrs back .. still we are in a relationship because I can't leave her but I don't forget that duration where she cheat me . Point is whenever I remind that I feel disturbed and become most negative person I'm .. Q. How to avoid that feeling?
Ans: It's understandable that the memory of your partner's infidelity still affects you, even after two years. It's important to recognize that these feelings are normal and valid, and it's okay to need time and space to heal.

One way to avoid these negative feelings is to focus on the present moment and the positive aspects of your relationship. Try to find ways to reconnect with your partner and build trust in your relationship. This may involve having open and honest conversations about your feelings and working together to establish clear boundaries and expectations for your relationship moving forward.

It's also important to take care of your mental health and well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your emotions and develop coping strategies. Additionally, practicing self-care, such as exercise, healthy eating, and relaxation techniques, can help improve your mood and overall well-being.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether or not you can move past the infidelity and continue the relationship. It's important to remember that forgiveness is a process, and it may take time to fully heal and trust your partner again. Whatever decision you make, it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being and do what's best for you.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7528 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 15, 2025Hindi
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Money
Last 5 years of my life have gone by being a gambling addict. I've finally come around and paid back some portion of my debt. However the portion that remains is humongous. Now owe 60L to my dad. I'm 29 years old and make 1.25L a month. How to I pay this off? Secondly, considering my age, does my debt mean I won't be able to settle down anytime soon? I'm tired of making plans for myself. Nothing works. I really need something concrete. Please help. I have 0 savings or investments till date.
Ans: You’ve taken a significant step by acknowledging your past and beginning repayment. Now, let’s develop a structured plan to clear your debt and secure your future.

1. Acknowledging Your Progress
Admitting the issue and repaying part of your debt is commendable.

This shows accountability and determination, both critical for success.

Focus on consistent effort and avoid self-blame for past mistakes.

2. Understanding Your Financial Situation
Your income is Rs 1.25 lakh per month with no current savings or investments.

Your debt to your father stands at Rs 60 lakh.

This debt is non-interest-bearing but must be cleared systematically.

3. Creating a Realistic Budget
Budgeting is essential to track income and expenses.

Categorise expenses into fixed, variable, and discretionary.

Aim to limit discretionary expenses like dining out, subscriptions, and non-essential shopping.

Allocate at least 50% of your income to repay your debt.

4. Developing a Debt Repayment Plan
A disciplined repayment plan can ease your burden.

Commit Rs 60,000 per month towards debt repayment.

At this rate, the debt can be cleared in approximately 8–10 years.

Increase repayment amounts when income grows or bonuses are received.

5. Building an Emergency Fund
While repaying debt, an emergency fund is vital.

Save 3–6 months' expenses for unforeseen situations.

Start with Rs 10,000 per month in a high-liquidity fund.

This ensures financial stability without disrupting debt payments.

6. Avoiding Future Gambling Temptations
Preventing relapse is crucial for long-term stability.

Join support groups or seek counselling for gambling addiction.

Engage in constructive hobbies or activities to fill your time.

Keep finances transparent to someone you trust for accountability.

7. Financial Planning for Marriage and Settling Down
Debt does not prevent settling down with proper planning.

Discuss your financial situation openly with your future partner.

Focus on joint financial goals, including saving for a wedding or family.

Avoid high-cost weddings and invest in long-term stability instead.

8. Investment Planning for Long-Term Goals
Start investing after creating an emergency fund and stabilising repayments.

Begin with equity mutual funds for inflation-beating growth.

Invest systematically, even with small amounts initially.

Avoid direct funds and invest through an MFD with CFP certification.

9. Balancing Lifestyle and Repayments
Maintain a balanced lifestyle during this phase.

Celebrate small wins like completing milestones in repayment.

Prioritise personal growth through skill development or education.

These steps improve career prospects and earning potential.

10. Monitoring Progress and Seeking Support
Track progress regularly to stay motivated.

Review expenses and savings every month.

Adjust the budget as income and expenses change.

Seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner for personalised advice.

Final Insights
Your debt is significant but manageable with discipline and structure.

Commit to the repayment plan and track progress regularly.

Build financial habits that prevent future setbacks.

A stable, debt-free future is achievable with consistent effort.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7528 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 15, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am 45 years old and looking to retire as I don’t find my job satisfying anymore. My wife will continue working and is earning 50k a month. Our monthly expenses are 75k. We live in our own home with no dependents and no liabilities. Our corpus consists of 40 lacs in long term GSec, 57 lacs in PPF and 35 lacs in diversified equity funds. We earn rent of 20k a month from a flat valued at approximately 80 lacs. I also have a corpus of 60 lacs in NPS which will earn an annuity of 30k a month on exit. Will this be sufficient to maintain present lifestyle and last for lifespan upto 85 years or am I being hasty in quitting my job which earns me 1.5 lacs post tax
Ans: At 45, retiring early is an important decision. Your corpus and expenses need careful analysis. Let us assess if your current resources can sustain your desired lifestyle until 85.

1. Current Financial Overview
Your financial position is stable. Let us summarise your assets and income sources.

Rs 40 lakhs in long-term G-Secs.

Rs 57 lakhs in PPF.

Rs 35 lakhs in diversified equity mutual funds.

Rs 60 lakhs in NPS with an estimated annuity of Rs 30,000 per month.

Rental income of Rs 20,000 per month from a flat.

Your monthly expenses are Rs 75,000.

Your wife’s monthly income is Rs 50,000.

2. Income Sources Post-Retirement
Assessing post-retirement income ensures sustainability.

Rental income of Rs 20,000 per month.

Annuity income of Rs 30,000 per month from NPS.

Total passive income is Rs 50,000 per month.

Your wife’s income adds Rs 50,000, making the total income Rs 1,00,000.

Monthly expenses exceed passive income by Rs 25,000 if your wife stops working.

3. Corpus Utilisation and Sustainability
Your corpus must support expenses for 40 years.

Long-term G-Secs offer stable returns but might not beat inflation.

PPF provides safety, tax efficiency, and moderate growth.

Equity mutual funds offer inflation-beating growth for long-term needs.

Systematic withdrawals from the corpus can cover shortfalls.

4. Inflation Impact and Long-Term Planning
Inflation will significantly affect your expenses.

Assuming 6% annual inflation, expenses will double in 12 years.

Passive income sources must grow to keep pace with rising costs.

Equity exposure ensures growth but requires careful monitoring.

5. Asset Allocation for Retirement
Proper allocation ensures safety, liquidity, and growth.

Retain 50% in safe instruments like PPF and G-Secs for stability.

Allocate 30–40% to equity for long-term growth.

Keep 10% in liquid funds for immediate needs or emergencies.

6. Tax Efficiency and Withdrawals
Optimising withdrawals can save taxes.

Use tax-free returns from PPF first for withdrawals.

Interest from G-Secs will be taxable; plan withdrawals carefully.

Withdraw from equity mutual funds considering LTCG rules above Rs 1.25 lakh.

7. Reviewing Lifestyle Choices
Lifestyle adjustments can reduce financial strain.

Evaluate discretionary expenses like vacations or luxury items.

Maintain current expenses while planning for medical costs.

Prioritise health insurance for both of you to handle medical inflation.

8. Considering Wife’s Role in Financial Planning
Your wife’s income plays a crucial role.

Her income bridges the gap between expenses and passive income.

Discuss her retirement age and income potential post-retirement.

Joint investments and planning align your financial goals.

9. Re-evaluate Retirement Decision
Retiring now may need compromises.

Your job provides Rs 1.5 lakh per month post-tax, which supports higher savings.

Continuing for 5–7 years builds a stronger corpus.

This ensures less dependence on equity performance in retirement.

10. Long-Term Health and Lifestyle Preparedness
Early retirement requires careful planning for unexpected costs.

Plan for lifestyle expenses like hobbies or travel.

Build a health corpus for unforeseen medical expenses.

Ensure adequate insurance for major health risks.

Final Insights
Retirement at 45 is possible but may require adjustments.

Your current corpus and income provide a stable base.

Continuing your job for a few more years strengthens financial security.

Focus on balancing safety and growth in your investments.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7528 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hi, I am 36 years old earning 1 lac per month. I am unmarried and has recently bought a house with 55 lacs loan for 25 years. I plan to get married this year. I wonder how should I do financial planning as I can't be working till the age of 60. Please suggest.
Ans: You have made a significant financial decision by purchasing a house with a Rs 55 lakh loan. At 36, you earn Rs 1 lakh per month and plan to marry soon. Let us structure a robust financial plan to ensure stability and early retirement without working until 60.

1. Assess Current Financial Situation
Understanding your financial commitments is the first step.

Your home loan EMI will form a major part of your monthly expenses.

Calculate your fixed expenses like loan EMIs, utilities, and essential needs.

Identify discretionary spending and aim to save 30–40% of your income.

2. Prioritise Emergency Fund Creation
An emergency fund ensures financial security during unexpected events.

Set aside 6–12 months’ expenses in a liquid fund.

Keep this fund accessible but separate from regular savings.

This fund can handle unexpected expenses like medical emergencies or job loss.

3. Clear High-Interest Debt First
Your home loan is long-term and tax-efficient, so focus on other debts if any.

Repay credit cards and personal loans quickly as they have high interest.

Avoid unnecessary borrowing for lifestyle expenses.

4. Plan for Marriage Expenses
Marriages often involve significant costs, so plan them wisely.

Allocate a specific budget for marriage-related expenses.

Avoid using savings for marriage; consider creating a short-term investment plan.

Discuss shared financial goals with your partner before planning expenses.

5. Home Loan Repayment Strategy
Reducing your home loan burden over time is essential.

Use salary hikes or bonuses to make part prepayments annually.

Prepayments reduce the interest burden and shorten the loan tenure.

Claim tax benefits on principal and interest under Sections 80C and 24(b).

6. Invest Wisely for Early Retirement
Building a corpus for early retirement requires disciplined investing.

Allocate a significant portion of savings to equity mutual funds for growth.

Use hybrid or balanced funds for moderate risk and stability.

Invest in debt mutual funds for stable returns and diversification.

7. Health and Life Insurance
Insurance protects your family from financial instability.

Buy adequate term insurance for life cover, considering your loan liability.

Opt for health insurance to cover medical expenses for you and your future spouse.

Avoid investment-cum-insurance policies like ULIPs as they offer low returns.

8. Retirement Corpus Estimation
You need a sizeable corpus to retire before 60 comfortably.

Factor in inflation and increasing expenses while planning the corpus.

Use systematic investment plans (SIPs) for long-term wealth creation.

Choose funds with consistent performance and invest through an MFD with CFP credentials.

9. Tax Planning and Savings
Tax efficiency is vital for increasing your disposable income.

Maximise deductions under Section 80C using EPF, PPF, or ELSS investments.

Claim home loan interest under Section 24(b) for tax benefits.

Avoid investing in products with lower post-tax returns.

10. Discuss Financial Goals with Your Spouse
Financial alignment with your spouse is critical.

Plan for joint expenses like home management and child education.

Discuss shared goals like retirement, travel, or higher education for children.

Create a joint financial plan to achieve these goals effectively.

11. Revisit and Rebalance Investments Regularly
Your financial goals and risk tolerance may evolve over time.

Review your investment portfolio annually with a Certified Financial Planner.

Rebalance your investments to maintain optimal asset allocation.

Adjust investments based on income changes, expenses, or major life events.

12. Avoid Unnecessary Financial Risks
Avoid high-risk investments as they could derail your plans.

Stay away from speculative stocks or volatile investments.

Avoid over-diversification in mutual funds, which dilutes returns.

Ensure investments align with your risk profile and time horizon.

Final Insights
Planning for early retirement is achievable with disciplined saving and investing.

Build a robust portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid funds.

Reduce loan liabilities through prepayments and tax benefits.

Align your financial goals with your partner to ensure stability and security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7528 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 15, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hello, I'm 42 yrs old with a monthly income of 1lakh, planning to buy a house this year on loan of approx 50lakhs which can take approx. 45K as emi with the balance cash pls suggest were to invest so that by retirement i can have around 9cr to 10cr income. Currently I have zero invest i know i'm late but will help if you can suggest best possible option
Ans: At 42 years, your goal of building a corpus of Rs. 9-10 crore is achievable. Although you’re starting late, disciplined investing and strategic planning can help. Let’s design an investment roadmap tailored to your needs and constraints.

1. Assess Your Current Financial Situation
Your monthly income is Rs. 1 lakh.
After paying an EMI of Rs. 45,000, Rs. 55,000 remains for expenses and investments.
You plan to retire in around 18 years, which gives ample time for compounding.
2. Allocation of Disposable Income
2.1 Emergency Fund Creation

Set aside six months of expenses, around Rs. 3-5 lakh, in a liquid fund.
This provides safety during unforeseen events.
2.2 Insurance Protection

Buy a term insurance policy covering 15-20 times your annual income.
Ensure adequate health insurance for your family.
2.3 Investment Amount

Dedicate Rs. 30,000-35,000 per month towards investments.
Gradually increase investments with salary increments.
3. Investment Strategy
3.1 Start with Equity Mutual Funds

Invest 75-80% of your surplus in equity mutual funds for long-term growth.
Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds.
Actively managed funds can outperform benchmarks, making them preferable.
Advantages of Actively Managed Funds:

Expert fund managers identify opportunities in changing market conditions.
They provide higher returns compared to passive index funds in India’s dynamic markets.
3.2 Include Debt Funds

Allocate 15-20% of your portfolio to debt funds.
These reduce portfolio volatility and provide stability.
Short-term and corporate bond funds are suitable options.
3.3 Explore ELSS Funds for Tax Savings

Invest in Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) for tax benefits under Section 80C.
This adds to your retirement corpus while saving taxes.
3.4 Use SIPs for Consistent Investments

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) help average costs during market ups and downs.
Set SIPs aligned with your salary cycle for discipline.
4. Long-Term Asset Allocation
4.1 Equity-Debt Ratio

Maintain an equity-debt ratio of 80:20 initially for growth.
Shift to 60:40 as you approach retirement to protect gains.
4.2 Periodic Rebalancing

Review and rebalance your portfolio annually.
This ensures the allocation aligns with your goals and risk tolerance.
5. Avoid Mistakes and Stay Focused
5.1 Don’t Delay Investments

Every delay reduces compounding benefits.
Start SIPs immediately to maximize returns.
5.2 Avoid Overdependence on Real Estate

Real estate offers low liquidity and inconsistent returns.
Focus on liquid, growth-oriented financial assets.
5.3 Stick to Your Plan

Avoid withdrawing investments prematurely.
Stay invested during market corrections to benefit from recovery.
6. Leverage Salary Increments
Step up SIPs by 10-15% annually with salary hikes.
This small adjustment ensures you meet your retirement target comfortably.
7. Tax Efficiency of Mutual Funds
7.1 Equity Funds

Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.
7.2 Debt Funds

Gains are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions strategically to minimize tax outgo.

8. Monitor and Review Investments
Track your portfolio’s performance every six months or annually.
Replace underperforming funds while maintaining overall diversification.
9. Final Insights
Your decision to plan now is a step in the right direction.
Focus on equity funds for long-term growth and debt funds for stability.
Start SIPs immediately and gradually increase contributions.
Avoid over-reliance on real estate and stick to liquid financial assets.
Disciplined investments, regular reviews, and a clear focus will help you achieve your retirement goal.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7528 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

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Sir, I am 27 yr and have started a SIP of total 1000 Rs. per month for the below Mutual Funds since November 2023. I have now (Jan.25) increase them 1000 Rs. per month and will step up 10%. I am looking forward to invest in it for a period of 10-20 years. Am I going the right way and whether my mutual fund selection for SIP is good or not? I need your guidance and instructions on it please. 1) HDFC index Fund-Nifty 50 plan. 2) ICICI prudential Nifty 50 index fund- growth. 3) Nippon India Small Cap Fund 4) Axis Bluechip fund- Large Cap Fund. Request for your reply sir Thanks
Ans: Your initiative to start SIPs at the age of 27 is impressive. Investing early ensures you benefit from the power of compounding. Here's a detailed evaluation and guidance for your current SIP portfolio.

1. Analysis of Current Fund Selection
1.1 HDFC Index Fund - Nifty 50 Plan and ICICI Prudential Nifty 50 Index Fund

These are passively managed funds that replicate the Nifty 50 index.
They have low expense ratios, which reduces costs.
However, index funds may not deliver superior returns in all market conditions.
Actively managed funds often outperform in India’s inefficient markets.
Having two index funds in the same category leads to duplication.
Recommendation:

Retain one index fund if you prefer low-cost, predictable returns.
Replace the second with an actively managed large-cap or flexi-cap fund.
1.2 Nippon India Small Cap Fund

Small-cap funds carry high risk but also offer high growth potential.
Suitable for long-term goals if you can handle market volatility.
Ensure you diversify across other fund categories to reduce risk.
Recommendation:

Continue investing but cap exposure to small caps at 15%-20% of your portfolio.
Review performance periodically to ensure alignment with goals.
1.3 Axis Bluechip Fund - Large Cap Fund

Large-cap funds are relatively stable and less volatile than mid or small-cap funds.
This fund is a good addition for steady long-term returns.
However, performance should consistently beat the benchmark over time.
Recommendation:

Retain this fund as part of your portfolio.
Consider diversifying into multi-cap or flexi-cap funds for balanced growth.
2. Improvements to Your Portfolio
2.1 Avoid Duplication in Index Funds

Holding two Nifty 50 index funds leads to unnecessary overlap.
Consolidate investments into one index fund and use the savings for other categories.
2.2 Add a Mid-Cap or Flexi-Cap Fund

Flexi-cap funds offer a mix of large, mid, and small-cap stocks.
Mid-cap funds strike a balance between risk and growth.
This addition diversifies your portfolio and improves growth potential.
2.3 Include a Debt Fund

Equity funds dominate your portfolio, exposing it to market risks.
Debt funds reduce volatility and provide stability during market downturns.
Consider short-duration or corporate bond funds for this purpose.
2.4 Plan Asset Allocation

Align your investments to a strategic equity-debt ratio based on your risk appetite.
For a 10-20 year horizon, consider 80% equity and 20% debt initially.
3. Investment Strategy and Insights
3.1 Step-Up SIP Approach

Increasing your SIP amount by 10% annually is a smart move.
It ensures your investments grow with inflation and income.
3.2 Periodic Portfolio Review

Review your portfolio’s performance every six months or annually.
Monitor fund performance against benchmarks and peer funds.
3.3 Maintain Discipline During Volatility

Stick to your SIPs even during market corrections.
Avoid timing the market, as SIPs work best in all market cycles.
3.4 Leverage Tax Benefits

Invest in ELSS funds to claim tax deductions under Section 80C.
This adds a tax-saving layer to your wealth-building plan.
4. Avoid Index Funds Duplication
4.1 Limitations of Index Funds

Index funds cannot outperform the market due to passive management.
They follow benchmarks, so returns are limited to market growth.
Actively managed funds can deliver higher returns in India’s developing market.
4.2 Benefits of Actively Managed Funds

Skilled fund managers aim to outperform benchmarks.
They adjust portfolios based on market opportunities.
This approach benefits long-term investors in a growing economy.
5. Final Insights
Your commitment to long-term investing is commendable.
Avoid duplication and focus on diversification for better results.
Combine active funds with index funds for optimal growth and stability.
Include a debt component to reduce risk and balance your portfolio.
Regularly review your investments and step up contributions as planned. This ensures your financial goals stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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