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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |326 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I have caught my wife cheating twice in last 2-3 years and she is quite aloof in our relationship. Now in the recent 2 fights, she has asked me to leave the house. We have a teenage child who wants to come along with me. After I told her that I have found the apartment to shift,my wife is now putting pressure on me to stay by saying she is depressed and under mental pressure (I have taken her to psychologists earlier in 2021 and 2023 ,after she was found cheating) I am not able to make a decision and tell her that I want to now live apart from her for my mental peace. How should I handle the situation

Ans: I understand how complex and emotionally draining your situation is. Dealing with infidelity and a partner's erratic behavior, especially when there's a child involved, can be incredibly challenging. It's clear you're at a crossroads and seeking the best way to handle this delicate situation.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge your feelings. You’ve been hurt by your wife's actions and the trust in your relationship has been significantly damaged. It’s also crucial to recognize the toll this has taken on your mental health and well-being. You've tried to support her by taking her to psychologists and addressing her depression, but her behavior has continued to strain the relationship.

Given that she has repeatedly asked you to leave and has shown a pattern of infidelity, it’s reasonable to want to consider living apart to find peace and stability for yourself and your teenage child. It's natural to feel conflicted, especially when she now expresses a desire for you to stay, citing depression and mental pressure. Her sudden shift in wanting you to remain might be influenced by her fear of change or losing the security your presence provides.

In this situation, it's essential to balance compassion for her mental health with the need to protect your own well-being and that of your child. You need to have an honest and firm conversation with her about your feelings and your decision. Explain that while you understand her struggles, the repeated infidelity and the emotional aloofness have deeply affected you, and you believe that living apart may be the best way to restore your peace of mind and provide a stable environment for your child.

Express that this decision isn’t taken lightly and that you’ve considered the impact on everyone involved. Emphasize that separating doesn't mean abandoning her but rather a step toward finding clarity and stability for yourself and your child. Suggest that she continues to seek professional help to address her depression and emotional issues.

This conversation should be compassionate but firm. Setting boundaries is vital for your mental health and future. It's also crucial to involve a professional, like a therapist or counselor, to navigate these discussions and the transition period, especially considering the emotional and psychological complexities involved.

Ultimately, you must prioritize your and your child's well-being. Living apart might provide the space needed for all of you to heal and figure out the next steps for your family.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1149 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

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Relationship
I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression. We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage. She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start. She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family. Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake. The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance. Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl. After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased. Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space. I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don't want to leave my parents. She just doesn't understand my position and clashes happen between us. Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can't do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can't live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day. This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don't like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don't feel like doing anything. I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that's it. Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can't talk to them either. Can you help? Just don’t publish my name.
Ans:

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |326 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2023

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Relationship
Hello Madam, thanks for your previous reply, as an update about the situation it has gone bitter today, where she has left me , taking away my daughter as well. This is after we had a fight on small little things where due to work related stress I tried to speak to her about me needing her help to understand the situation and also the situations about her past cheating episode keeps coming back affecting me. Thus leading to constant arguments. Today she has left home , leaving me totally unpreppared and feeling hopeless about the situation in life. I am going through a lot of work pressure stress and now this has really made a situation which is getting diffficult for me to deal with. No amount of contact with her is working, I just do not know how can I resolve this matter so that I can enjoy a happy life with my wife adn daughter again. she also threatens for divorce. I miss both of them dearly. I would really appreciate if you could advice on how to sort the matter out and get some sanity back into this relationship. I fail to communicate my thoughts and feelings clearly with my wife I believe. I try my best to speak her but she never gets it. Please assist in this. Thanks
Ans: I am so very sorry to know your situation which is very challenging It's important to approach the situation with sensitivity and patience.Take some time to reflect on how you communicate with your wife. Are there ways you can improve your communication style? Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without placing blame as this is very sensitive time.Communication is a two-way street. Make sure you actively listen to your wife's concerns and feelings. Understanding her perspective is crucial in finding common ground and working towards resolution. Given the mention of divorce threats, it may be wise to seek legal advice to understand your rights and options. However, keep in mind that legal proceedings can further strain relationships, so it's best approached with caution. Remember that resolving complex relationship issues takes time and effort from both parties involved. Professional assistance can be instrumental in navigating these challenges. If your wife remains unresponsive, it might be worthwhile to focus on your own well-being and personal growth while keeping the lines of communication open for potential reconciliation.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1149 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I am married for the last 15 years with 2 kids. All though for entire period of this 15 years has been a roller coaster in the relationship, All of a sudden since the last 7 months the relationship has detoriated with my wife sleeping with the kids, not talking to me, cutting my social circles. Have tried talking to her directly and through some common links, but she does not talk & infact has cut all the channels. i have tried being home all the time and do all the house hold cores, take care of the children, but no impact on her. She is a deperession patient and refuses to consult the doctor. I feel i had enough and want to look options for seperation. Kindly advise
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's unfortunate that you have waited this long to take note of how your relationship has been deteriorating. Also, has your wife been clinically diagnosed as having depression? If not, please don't assume as it will pose an issue while working on your marriage.
Seek the help of a marriage therapist who can guide the two of you back into rebuilding the marriage. Sleeping separately is a huge signal that she has cut off physically and emotionally from you and there could be numerous reasons along the way for it./ Don't delay seeing a professional and take this step not to get into a blame game situation but to actually work on your marriage. Make this humble attempt as it takes one rash move to end things.

But if you feel strongly that nothing is working, consult with a lawyer who specializes in separation

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |326 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 30, 2024

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Relationship
Thanks for the reply. She is commited for staying together unless kids are out and not sure after that.. She is also not sure if she will go back to same person ( as she hasn't talked to her in while) or she will find something new or me.. My problem is living with this issue that my wife is not emotionality connected to me, cheated me twice and might do it again.. Say it my ego but i feel very distressed and humiliated that things are happening to me.. I feel like leaving her but somehow don't have courage to leave the family and face the future ahead..! I am fighting myself everyday with this battle within me & don't know what to do..! Last time i had the same issue and somehow convince myself ( took 2+ yrs) to stay but this time i am thinking she will do it again ( may be not for him but somehow who she thinks is alike her).. Another issue is even if i am staying, we are so incompatible.. Its like she is mountain and i am beach person! With kids going away and empty nest coming, i am not comfortable living with her.! On the other hand i am turnning 50 and would like to see if i can find someone who is like me .. Daily i am struggling with thought in and out and can't focus on work..
Ans: It's clear that staying in this marriage is taking a toll on you, affecting not just your emotional well-being but also your ability to focus on other important aspects of your life, like work. The prospect of staying together for the sake of the kids might have seemed like a solution, but it's leading to ongoing internal conflict, especially with the looming reality of an empty nest.

First, it's important to validate your feelings. It's not just your ego; feeling distressed and humiliated in this situation is a natural response to the betrayals and ongoing lack of emotional connection. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and emotionally fulfilled.

The fear of leaving and starting over, especially at this stage in life, is understandable, but it might help to consider that staying in a situation that continues to hurt you could be more damaging in the long run. The idea of finding someone more compatible, who shares your values and lifestyle, is not just wishful thinking—it's a legitimate desire for a more fulfilling life.

You might find it helpful to take some time to reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship and your life moving forward. Speaking to a therapist or counselor could provide the support you need to process these emotions and gain clarity on the best path for you. It might also help to explore the practicalities of separating—understanding what that would look like financially, emotionally, and socially could make the prospect less daunting.

If you decide to stay, it's crucial to communicate clearly with your wife about what you need to feel secure and respected in the relationship. However, if you can't envision a future where you feel content and connected with her, it might be time to seriously consider whether staying is the right choice for your long-term happiness.

Ultimately, you deserve a life that brings you peace and fulfillment, whether that’s with your current wife, on your own, or with someone new. Taking small, manageable steps towards making a decision—whether through counseling, reflection, or practical planning—can help you move forward, whichever path you choose.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1149 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 02, 2024

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Relationship
Thanks for the reply. She is commited for staying together unless kids are out and not sure after that.. She is also not sure if she will go back to same person ( as she hasn't talked to her in while) or she will find something new or me.. My problem is living with this issue that my wife is not emotionality connected to me, cheated me twice and might do it again.. Say it my ego but i feel very distressed and humiliated that things are happening to me.. I feel like leaving her but somehow don't have courage to leave the family and face the future ahead..! I am fighting myself everyday with this battle within me & don't know what to do..! Last time i had the same issue and somehow convince myself ( took 2+ yrs) to stay but this time i am thinking she will do it again ( may be not for him but somehow who she thinks is alike her).. Another issue is even if i am staying, we are so incompatible.. Its like she is mountain and i am beach person! With kids going away and empty nest coming, i am not comfortable living with her.! On the other hand i am turnning 50 and would like to see if i can find someone who is like me .. Daily i am struggling with thought in and out and can't focus on work..
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I have clearly suggested what can be done to your original question. Since nothing has changed at home, my suggestions still remain the same. You need to take a call on how you want your life to pan out from now on...
either your wife turns a new leaf (which you are not sure of) and starts to rebuild the marriage with you OR you need to step in for yourself and decide what's best for you.

The more you sit in between in confusion, it is obviously going to hurt your health. The worst punishment to oneself is not a decision going wrong BUT not taking a decision at all. So, you know why all this is affecting your mind and how this is playing out for you. Do something and stand firm on whatever you decide.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |794 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Sep 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 06, 2024Hindi
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Career
I have currently given 12 exams from pcb field now i know there is no more option in bio field except mbbs can u suggest me should i leave the field or not
Ans: Hi
Why do you think so? It is not compulsory to choose a medical field if somebody opts for PCB in the 12th. There are many degree / diploma / certificate courses which will help to stand in the future. There are ample success stories when students crack the CA exam after 12th science. Even you can think so! If you know the basics of computers then you can join multiple job-oriented computer courses to get a job in the IT field. if you are creative, you can join to Arts degree/diploma courses. By doing this, you can start your business or get a job in multimedia companies, Advertising companies, film cities, and a lot more.
If you have art or skill in any field, success will be there always. Explore your potential and choose the right field. No need to get frustrated. In life, nothing is dependent on PCB. If not satisfied, leave it and search for the better one.
Best of luck for your future.

If you are dissatisfied with the reply, please ask again without hesitation.
If satisfied, please like and follow me.
Thanks

Radheshyam

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2008 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Sep 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 06, 2024Hindi
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