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Anu Krishna  |1162 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 23, 2024Hindi
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Dear Anu, I regularly read your advise on various issues from the variety of people. One I came across about a 62 year divorced person with 2 daughters who have abandoned him even after providing good education & financial support. Is it not his daughters' duty to reciprocate with love & affection. A father does every thing in his capacity to provide everything to his family and wish for their well-being. In return he expects only love from the family. One can clap with two hands which both in tandem. Just expressed my feeling as a concerned father. Thank you

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I recall that letter/post and thank you for reading the column regularly. Greatly appreciated.
To summarize, one must perform/live their role and not focus on reciprocation. But as humans, we do have expectations that few times does not have boundaries. That's where the unhappiness begins. Expectations go haywire when there's disappointments from expectations not being met.
So, you are right...as a father, simply do what's needed for the children and not expect anything other than love. Well said! Again, thank you for adding your thoughts here.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1162 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

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Hi Anu mam, I want to share with you my life story because it now killing me everyday. I am 23 years old now and third (unwanted) child of my parents. I have two elder sisters, 2nd sister was adopted by my father's sister and now I have one elder sister only.If I talk about my childhood, I have no good memories, not a single picture of mine.My father has always been busy at our family shop, only source of our income with my bade papa.He never took any interest in my studies, school admissions, parents teacher meeting etc... He was always like a strict father without any strict responsibility on him. And my mother is a very simple and innocent Jain lady who believes in Jainism and God. So in my childhood we were not a united family, we were more like small scattered pieces of a family who were living with no hope and no future planning or future expectations.As a kid, I spent most of the time watching tv or playing cricket. I have feared to ask my dad to buy me a cricket bat due to which I stole money from his wallet and buy my things for which i’d be brutally beaten if caughtI studied in a Hindi medium school which was in front of my house. I studied there till 3rd class and then my mother did some efforts to get admission in English medium school but she didn't succeed. I took admission in another Hindi medium school. I worked hard at my level but never received any support from my parents especially from my father.I passed my senior secondary in the year of 2015 in Math stream with 69% and want to pursue Engineering but my father does not want me to pursue that he wanted me to pursue Law so I took admission at local university and completed my graduation in 2020.During my 1st year of graduation I realised that my father has an affair with someone. This caused serious trauma for my mother and me. We felt this was the reason for him not being interested in our life at all time. In my 3rd year of graduation I founded that my elder sister was in a serious relationship with someone which added to our trauma because we were also facing financial problems that time. The problem arose when 3-4 years ago I came to know that I have knock knee problem in my both legs since childhood. I couldn't tell about this to my family.So now I am unemployed, facing knee problem and depression. I don't know what to do. Should I leave my father for life and look forward to any small job and live my life, make my new family? I want you to give me advice according to my current situation. I will wait for your advice.
Ans: Dear AJ,

I can only imagine what it must be like for you. But I am not going to feel sorry for you as life presents challenges as opportunities.

You have had the opportunity to learn from each of your challenge, academically, personally, and professionally.

Focus on yourself now. What happened or didn’t happen in your childhood or the past only makes you feel like a victim and that isn’t useful when you are trying to solve a problem.

Focus on how you can better your quality of life despite your physiological issue.

Sit down with the doctor and ask:

How can I get treated?

Does it involve any surgery?

Will physiotherapy help in easing my condition?

You depression (which I imagine is self-diagnosed) is on account of you treating yourself as a victim, will change once you move into a positive mode where you treat yourself with respect and love.

Only you can better your situation and it is possible for you if you choose to look at all the things that are possible by you once you become mentally stronger. Then your academic or personal or professional challenges will not come in the way.

So Take Charge and NOW. All the best to you!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1162 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2022

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Hi Anu, I'm a 50 year old male married for 10 years. This is our second marriage for both of us. We live abroad. Since Day One my spouse was suspicious of me linking me with anyone on the street. She says I'm sighting girls. She suspected that I am interested in my elder sister-in-law since marriage. She never told me this for three years. Due to this we never had any relationship (and no child). Because of this constant fighting I lost my mother (I apologised to mother since I was not able to take care of her and I was unhappy. She died within a month of my apology.) I never told anyone either of our relatives about our problems. My father is 90 and alive. I don't want to cause any problem to him. During these 10 years her father never bothered to check if any problems. I hardly slept 1-2 days a week during these years.My spouse never changed a bit during these 10 years. Her position reached a stage where I had to admit her to hospital for psychosis. She got discharged in 2 months because her parents were adamant on discharge on the condition that she will travel to India. But once discharged, she refused to travel for nearly 10 months. Her father supported her. When her mother passed away in December 2020, due to Covid her return tickets got cancelled. In December 2021 she was again in hospital for 20 days in India for similar psychological issues. In April 2022 I visited her house in India and gave her father a 4-page document detailing her behaviour during these 10 years. He simply said she has done unknowingly. He is adamant on trying to send her back to me. While I am struggling to live, her father lives a happy life with his pension. As a father he never corrects his daughter and instead tries to push the problems to me.I have asked for a divorce but she is not willing to give and starts shouting hysterically. Please let me know how to proceed.
Ans:

Dear S,

If you have decided that divorce is the only option to consider, then yes, file for divorce legally by hiring a lawyer who has specialized in cases where the spouse is unwilling to let the divorce happen.

In short, if it’s not a mutual consent, it might drag on for years, so get a good skilled lawyer to take up your case.

On the emotional side of things, I urge you to be patient and empathetic towards your wife. With her mental health condition, she possibly has no control over her thoughts and subsequent actions are a result of an impulsive reaction.

Yes, it is unfortunate that the marriage went through a lot of low phases but do remember she is a human who is going through a challenge which is not easy to fathom by people who don’t have a mental illness.

I realise that this might be a little difficult to do, but in the long-term scheme of things, it will be a good ally as a sound and calm mind helps you through challenging times.

This point of view will help you through the divorce proceedings where you will be able to be fair and just to make sure that she is also taken care of.

All the best for a better journey ahead!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1162 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 19, 2023Hindi
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Madam, I am 61 years old , retired from Govt service an year ago. I have a problem in my family. Though my wife is a post graduate, she refused to take up any Job and wants all others including her in laws to give her money eternally. Misbehaved with my parents & sent them out of our house for their supposed conservative style and refused to allow my sisters family on a visit and quarreled with me on this ground time & again. She quarrels with me on silly issues loudly infront of kids. She reflects her mother`s attitude in dealing with my parents & relatives. Later She re-started her love affair with her ex lover . Fed up with quarrels at home and keep her away from unwarranted affairs, I decided to go abroad and took her also with me with our 2 daughters. There again, she started another illicit affair with my classmate cum colleague (whom i knew for 2 decades and i treated like a brother and was already married with kids). After 18 months of secret affair , behind me, they finally disclosed and wanted to elope leaving their families behind. Stunned by their ghastly betrayal , I sent my family back to India and also reported the matter to boss, who repatriated that Traitor back. I had to forgive my wife for sake of my Daughters who were aged 12 yrs and 9 yrs then. I am unable to come to terms with their ghastly actions though 2 decades have since passed. We sleep in separate rooms and I have no physical relation with her, ever since as our marriage is over for all purposes. I believe that mutual Trust & respect are the foundations of any marriage. Both are lost in our case. Now my daughters aged 31, 29 are Post graduates but are sitting idle at home wasting time in TV and refuse to do any job as their mother keeps telling them why should women work ?. They refuse to receive any external counselling nor willing to get married nor take up a job nor pursue any studies. They are financially dependent on me. I am now retired and live on Govt Pension. They refuse to understand the reality around them. They have no friend either in Relatives or in their college circles. What to do with their Intransigence? .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
At 61, you look back and reflect; what choices have you made that has led you to be where you are right now?
Have those choices robbed you of your peace of mind and a better life?
If Yes, it still isn't late to rework and revisit those choices and make better ones.

But for that, this obsession with their ghastly affair must end. The more you are focused on the past, it becomes difficult to create anything beautiful for today and tomorrow. Yes, you felt hurt and were in pain, but to continue to feel the pain is a choice and that is only going to make you more bitter. Consider what is happening with your marriage; you might have to accept that this is the way it will be. If you are not happy with this, then think of what you want to do about it.

It's a good thing that you have begun to focus on your children. They seem to be in need of focus and direction. Since they are adults, it's time you gave them an ultimatum to find a job and move out of home. It sounds cruel, but at times, as a parent you need to do the right thing for your children. So, act NOW and without hesitation.
As for you, as you decide what you want to do with your marriage, involve yourself in social circles and hobbies, travel etc. It will give you a distraction and also a way to calm your mind to take decisions.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1162 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 14, 2024

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Hello Ms Anu, I am 62 Divorced. My daughters 34 and 29 both have abandoned me cos my ex-wife. I have given them the best child hood, US education and properties ( all my savings of my entire tenure). It looks they are no more interested in me after I gave them. As a senior citizen when I filed at the tribunal to get back what I have gifted ( this is just a fraction of what I have given) , my daughters are filing a police complaint saying I am a dangerous man. Do you think daughters will realize their mistakes and will they come back to me? My ex is a criminal and she had multiple men in her life when we were not together. In spite of it I gave her everything. Anyway I don't expect anything from my ex-wife but I am concerned about my daughters. Apparently I also learn in spite of all those expensive education they are still unable to fins a respectable place in society as an independent human to sustain. It is a pity people call daughters as angels but for me they are the devils.
Ans: Dear P,
This is unfortunate that you have had to go through so much...
But how will you earn their love back with all that bitterness in your heart? I agree that it has hurt you a lot, but to put relationships back together, the first step is to soften down which means FORGIVENESS; very difficult BUT that's the only way for the ego to melt and anything positive to happen.
Are you willing to be the bigger person here and actually forgive your daughters and extend the hand of mending relationships? Think about it...
If they still exist as devils in your mind, nothing good will come out of it...but if you think of them as your daughters, a lot can change...But even after you make that effort, they are unwilling to change, then they are unfortunate...Let Go...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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