Dear Anu, I regularly read your advise on various issues from the variety of people. One I came across about a 62 year divorced person with 2 daughters who have abandoned him even after providing good education & financial support. Is it not his daughters' duty to reciprocate with love & affection. A father does every thing in his capacity to provide everything to his family and wish for their well-being. In return he expects only love from the family. One can clap with two hands which both in tandem. Just expressed my feeling as a concerned father. Thank you

Ans:

Dear S,

If you have decided that divorce is the only option to consider, then yes, file for divorce legally by hiring a lawyer who has specialized in cases where the spouse is unwilling to let the divorce happen.

In short, if it’s not a mutual consent, it might drag on for years, so get a good skilled lawyer to take up your case.

On the emotional side of things, I urge you to be patient and empathetic towards your wife. With her mental health condition, she possibly has no control over her thoughts and subsequent actions are a result of an impulsive reaction.

Yes, it is unfortunate that the marriage went through a lot of low phases but do remember she is a human who is going through a challenge which is not easy to fathom by people who don’t have a mental illness.

I realise that this might be a little difficult to do, but in the long-term scheme of things, it will be a good ally as a sound and calm mind helps you through challenging times.

This point of view will help you through the divorce proceedings where you will be able to be fair and just to make sure that she is also taken care of.

All the best for a better journey ahead!

Ans: Dear P,
This is unfortunate that you have had to go through so much...
But how will you earn their love back with all that bitterness in your heart? I agree that it has hurt you a lot, but to put relationships back together, the first step is to soften down which means FORGIVENESS; very difficult BUT that's the only way for the ego to melt and anything positive to happen.
Are you willing to be the bigger person here and actually forgive your daughters and extend the hand of mending relationships? Think about it...
If they still exist as devils in your mind, nothing good will come out of it...but if you think of them as your daughters, a lot can change...But even after you make that effort, they are unwilling to change, then they are unfortunate...Let Go...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Sir,

First of all, I recognize how deeply hurt and betrayed you feel. The pain of strained relationships with one’s children, especially when you’ve invested so much love, effort, and resources in their upbringing, can be overwhelming. Your feelings are valid, and it’s essential to acknowledge them without judgment.

Understanding the Situation
Family conflicts often stem from layers of miscommunication, unspoken expectations, and past grievances. It seems your daughters’ actions have left you feeling not only abandoned but also disrespected. However, calling them "devils" might block any chance of understanding or reconciliation. Relationships, even the strained ones, can sometimes find a way to heal, but it requires introspection, patience, and a different approach.

Addressing Your Questions
Will your daughters realize their mistakes and come back to you?
While it’s impossible to predict others' actions, relationships can shift when emotions settle and communication improves. Right now, it seems both you and your daughters are acting out of pain, anger, and perhaps a sense of betrayal. It may take time, and possibly external help, for them to reconsider their stance. The key is to remain open to reconciliation while maintaining your dignity.

Why would they act this way despite all you’ve done for them?
Sometimes, the dynamics of parent-child relationships aren’t purely transactional. Children may not fully grasp or appreciate the sacrifices made by their parents, especially if they perceive emotional or relational conflicts as outweighing financial support. Additionally, your daughters may have been influenced by your history with their mother, shaping their perspective in ways that feel unfair to you.

How can you approach this situation differently?
Right now, the focus is on legal actions, complaints, and blame. While these steps may feel necessary to protect your rights, they can also deepen the emotional divide. Here’s a different way to approach it:

Reflect on Past Dynamics: Without judgment, consider whether there were patterns of communication or behavior in the past that may have contributed to this distance. This isn’t about blame but about gaining insight.
Extend an Olive Branch: Instead of expecting an apology, consider writing them a heartfelt letter. Focus on your feelings rather than accusations. For example, “I feel hurt and abandoned, but I miss the relationship we once had. I want us to find a way to reconnect.” This keeps the door open without escalating the conflict.
Seek Mediation: If direct communication fails, involving a neutral third party, such as a counselor or mediator, can help facilitate dialogue in a safe space.
What about your legal actions?
Protecting your rights, especially as a senior citizen, is important. However, consider how this legal route might affect the emotional dynamics further. If there’s room to negotiate or find a middle ground, explore those options with an open heart and legal guidance.

Rebuilding Yourself
While you focus on mending relationships, it’s equally important to rebuild your inner strength and find peace within yourself:

Invest in Yourself: Engage in activities, hobbies, or social circles that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. This will help you focus less on what’s missing and more on what you can create.
Detach with Compassion: It’s okay to step back emotionally for your own well-being while keeping the door open for reconciliation.
Seek Support: Sharing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted confidant, counselor, or support group can provide new perspectives and emotional relief.
A Gentle Reminder
Your daughters, like all humans, are complex. Their actions may be influenced by pain, misunderstandings, or pressures you may not fully see. While you cannot control their behavior, you can control your response. Approach this journey with patience, dignity, and the hope for better days ahead.

I’m here if you wish to delve deeper into this or need guidance on taking these steps.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

Ans: Navigating family dynamics and inheritance issues can be challenging, especially when there's a perceived imbalance in contributions. It's understandable to feel that your husband's significant efforts in caring for his parents should be more recognized in the will.

Parents often aim for equality in their wills to avoid conflict. They might believe that dividing assets equally is fairest, even if contributions differ. Your in-laws may not fully understand the support disparity or have other reasons for their decision.

Having an open, respectful conversation with your in-laws might help them see your perspective. If that's difficult, consider a family meeting to discuss everyone's views. Consulting an estate lawyer can clarify the will's implications and explore options for change, though this could strain family relationships.

Emotionally, support your husband by acknowledging his efforts. Sometimes, the satisfaction of caregiving can outweigh financial concerns. Propose compromises like including compensation for his contributions while maintaining equal asset division. Sentimental items could also recognize his efforts.

If the situation causes stress, a therapist can help manage feelings of resentment and provide strategies for maintaining family harmony. Balancing fairness with family relationships and emotional well-being is key. Open communication, legal advice, and emotional support will help navigate this complex issue.