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Single Dad Struggles to Build Bond with Son: Seeking Advice

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu ji, I am 42 yr old single parent. I have a 10 yr old son living with me. My wife and I were separated when our son was 3 yr old and we recently settled our divorce. Immediately after our divorce, my ex-wife got re-married. Her husband isn’t willing to take my son in and hence she handed over his legal custody to me. She has moved on with her life and my son doesn’t feature in her list of priorities. I am more than happy to have him. During the last 7 years of separation, she did not allow me or my parents to meet my son, so we could not build a strong bond together. Now, it has been 6 months since my son has moved in with me. Its only me and him living together ATM. My parents stay in our ancestral village and are unable to stay with me. Though its challenging for both of us to discover and understand each other, it must be tougher for my son. He understands the fact that his parents aren’t together and hence he has to stay with either of us at a time. Sometimes, he does get emotional about this situation not being normal compared to his friends / cartoons / movies etc. He also misses his mother and often keeps quoting that “My mother does it this way...”, “Me and my mum used to do this / that” etc etc and I appreciate that. I am fine with him talking to his mother through WhatsApp and meeting her whenever they wish to. He is also close to his other maternal family members, and I do not have any issues with him maintaining that bond. Now the challenge is, my ex-wife and her family abuses and shoos me away every time I try to ask them about my son such as his eating habits, likes, dislikes, vacation plans etc etc. They also bad mouth me whenever they speak to my son. That poor little soul gets influenced and feels that its punishment for him to live with me. And I feel betrayed as I too have made sacrifices / adjustments in my career, relationships etc to be able to take care of my son. I feel like stopping his communication with his mum and maternal family, but worried if that would adversely affect him. Now I have also started to get angry whenever he speaks to his mum or maternal family and try not to vent out at him, but I sometimes I do. Please guide me to navigate this delicate situation and what should I look forward to in my life.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, stop going back to your ex-wife for things that concern your son.
You have taken the responsibility of raising him, then you can surely figure out his likes and dislikes over time. Spend time bonding with him and be very patient with the outcome. Overnight, you son isn't going to love and fuss over you. So, keep raising him with a lot of love and a very supportive environment. At times, you will see him angry or stubborn bringing reference to the way his mother raised him; that is not the time to be angry but to hear him out and actually agree with him. He is a child, why are you being one? Surely, you understand that this is a very confusing and challenging time for him...why not spend time finding ways to bond rather than get angry when he speaks to his mother? That is their unique relationship; don't stand in the way as your son as he grows older will hold you responsible for keeping him away from her.
Focus on building a connection with him...and if for some reason things get distressing and even more challenging, please take the help of a professional to help the family tide over this phase...
In the meantime, let your focus be on your son, his needs, his joys and sorrows and more...let his know and feel that you as a father will protect him and be there for him at all times...that will change a lot of things for him...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Aarti

Dr Aarti Bakshi  |40 Answers  |Ask -

Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on Feb 09, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Hindi
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Health
Hello, I am Arvind aged 55, I have 2 kids, elder one is son ( age 26 yrs ) and is already in good job at IT sector in south India, Myself and my wife are raising our daughter who is 8 yrs younger to my son in North India. Our problem/Expectations: My son will not call any of us at his own, He hardly wants to share any part of his routine life, whats going on, untill we will ask him specifics. However, he prefers to just respond only when we initiate the call, txt etc. he would talk as much we asked in limited sentences, bare min txt like OK/Yes. Sometimes, many days would pass even without exchanging any call/txt/msgs- but it does not make him bother to know-hope everything is fine from his side. I mean we are not finding the warmth of son-parent relationship despite the fact that we are not keeping any expectation in terms of money, responsibilities etc. I have tried once/twice to explain that such behaviour hurts all of us. Do not know how to change such behaviour of ignorance, carelessness/avoidance. Pls advice.
Ans: Dear Arvind,
the most fantastic thing of having grown-up children is the world that they can show. Their world is the same as yours, just a different lens. Young adults when guilty shy away/keep to themselves/ or talk in few words. to bridge the conversations my suggestion is talking on neutral grounds. Both you and your child are viewing the world with different perspectives. A few questions that may start a conversation, on your next call, could be:
1.What is that fun app that I don’t have on my phone?
2. What music bands are you listening to these days?
3.Can you send me the link/ play me one of their best songs?
4.Who is your best friend right now? Which activity do you enjoy doing together?
5.Where would be an awesome place to go for a family vacation? Let me know your next break.
6.Did I ever tell you about how I met your (mother)?
Being a loving parent takes sacrifice, but he is an individual. sometimes inspite of being an adult he may not know how to bridge the gap. Do revert, I wish you and your family laughter and conversations.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2024

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Relationship
Dear Anu, My son is 17years and has a affinity towards his mother it seems. Whenever i ask any questions about his studies and plans he shouts at me and misbehaves. I have stopped talking to him because of this. I don't know whether he likes me or not. He seems very content with his computer and his friends.. How can i build a relation with him. Also same with my wife. She does not talk to my parents neither to nay of my relatives. I tried on many occasions to make her realize that this is not okay. My Father is 82 and is longing to talk to her and stay with us...I do not know what is the issue with her. I do not abject to anything she does. How can i convince her...
Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi ! 20 years ago, I was under a lot of stress raising my two kids while my husband worked abroad. I didnt realise that I was being terribly insensitive to my teenage son's need for attention and understanding. I did not understand at that time that his stubborn behavior and desire to be alone and the visible signs of hatred towards me were due to lack of outward expression of love from me. I used to think that I had to be even more strict with him to correct him and to bring him up well, not by being soft or kind. I also beat him at times and compared him with others with the intention of making him improve in his performance. All mistakes on my part which he has made me realise now . Today he is married and has a child. He showers her with affection. He hates the sight of me and doesnt want to talk with me saying I am the worst mother any child could ever have. I know I must suffer for my earlier behaviour. Just sharing.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you haven't asked me a question, I can't suggest much.
But can say only this: You son's behavior towards you is only a CRY for your attention. He does not hate you; he just wants you around but does not know how to tell you.
Be patient and show him love even if he does not accept it initially. Things will change slowly but surely.
And oh, you did what you thought was right at the time when you did it. So, don't blame yourself; instead focus on how to win his affection back and how to give him the attention that he has wanted...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I got married in 2008. Our son was born in 2013. My wife was doing PhD at that time and we both took good care of him as we were staying in an academic campus. Upon completion, my wife moved away from our place with her job in 2018. Initial one year, everything was fine. I used to visit them once in a month as the place was far away. Later in 2019, she moved to a better job location with our son. This place was also far from my workplace. Due to some reasons, she started avoiding me and I could hardly meet them especially my son. I could talk to my son only once/twice every month and see him on average of every 4 months. She does not allow me talk to him over video call as well. My parents who had a great memory with their grandson also cannot talk to him, except after several persuasions by me, she visits my paternal home once or twice in a year. She takes our son to my parents house for an hour and never allows to stay with them. This is happening for the last 5 years. I am clueless as any movement to court might lead us filing a divorce, which will grossly hurt my parents. Sometimes I feel that I should wait for my son until he becomes 18 (he is 11 now) and see him once he goes out of his mom's house. Requesting for your suggestion.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I truly believe that distance can drive a huge gap between two people in a relationship. Long distance relationships (LDRs) are not for everyone and if someone is into something like this, they would have or must have an honest chat about it.
Not being able to be in the company of one another, not being able to share their day with the other, not being able to communicate as often as they want can lead them to become their own person and highly independent not really missing their partner. It can also lead them to find other pair/pairs of ears almost replacing their partner at that moment. Repeating this over time can lead to romantic associations outside of the relationship as well.

Now, what could have caused your wife to take a step to be isolated from you, only you will know...and what has made you wait for 5 years to actually realize that something must be done about this?

Anyway, talk to your wife...I mean, how long can she avoid you? Meet her at a common place, like at your parents' place so that it does not flare up into a big thing. Take the opportunity to try and win your family back. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding that caused all of this. Only when you try to find out, will you know, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1160 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello AnuJi I am 42 and my wife is 40 and we have an 8 year old son. We have recently been staying separately since 3 months after a lot of tensions and my wife's emotional breakdown. Our relationship has been strained since beginning. Though am very loving, caring and devoted to my wife I have possessiveness issues. My wife has been sacrificing a lot on her own accord for our marriage but during her emotional breakdown we learnt the hard way that she was feeling suffocated in all this. She even hurt herself and that is the reason I am very careful in approaching her for reconciliation. My son is with me which gives me solace but I am worried he will miss out on mother's love and holistic development this way. I am unable to create a pathway between me and my wife because she is currently very caustic, bitter, insulting towards me and my family and not willing to hear my side of the story / talk peacefully / agree for counseling etc. I considered having the child stay with her but she has a terrible temper and history of beating the child, sometimes severely and hiding this from me till I found out. I later came to know my child is developing a sulking personality because of this but being a child he is naturally affectionate towards her mother (infact he developed an attitude that he deserves to be beaten and slapped - something he is coming out of gradually now he is with me). Infact parenting style mismatch and arguments was one of the reason of our split. At this moment I want to do whatever possible to bring the family together - short of feeling humiliated / not being heard / agreeing to child being beaten. My wife and me are well educated and even nature-wise she has good qualities as well. I just don't understand how we seemed to have ended up in this mess so abruptly. I do not know whether I should adopt a conventional attitude of saving the family, compromising etc or prioritise individual happiness and adopt a more liberal approach of staying separately even if child misses out on one of our day to day love and care.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's put things into perspective.
1. You and your wife are living separately due to a few challenges
2. Your son lives with you but you feel that the family living together is the best
3. Your wife resorts to punishing your son which is impacting him
4. Counseling is not an option

Which means that you have to step in as your own Counselor. Bringing the family together has to be your journey as your wife is not a part of it as yet. A lot of empathy, patience and the challenge of understanding your wife's emotional breakdown. Obviously, there's something going on deep within her that is making her resort to hurting herself which is cause for concern indeed. Tread carefully but firmly when you speak with your wife. Let her know your genuine intent of bringing the family back together and how much you would appreciate her support in all of this. Encourage her to start working as this will offer her some respite from caring for the family and also set her up professionally.
Give a patient ear to her complaints or outbursts (a very difficult thing for you to do).

What I have stated above is what works much better with a professional as you will have his/her guidance through the process. But give this a shot by yourself and see where it leads you to. Who knows, after a while, she might agree to see a professional...Give this a shot...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |609 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Sep 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 17, 2024Hindi
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Career
Sir I am btech - industrial biotechnology (4 years ) student. Now I'm in 3 rd year . My family financial situations didn't ain't me study msc or mtech or going abroad. So.. I'm planning to work hard for an year to get government job in my biotech field. However, biotech in india is just in it's initial stages . I didn't find good jobs in biotech industry for graduates and I even google many times about this concern. Could you please guide me ? What are best rated - government and private jobs in biotechnology field for biotech graduates ? I want each of jobs list If not any other alternatives ? What are the entrance exams I can appear for mtech pursuing at free of cost in India ? Is there any entrance exams to get a govt job in biotech field for graduates ? I'm bothered with many quests???????? I'm so... Worried about my career . Hope I'll get my answers from your team as soon as possible Thank you ????
Ans: Biotechnology graduates can apply for various positions in government organizations, research institutes, and labs. Below are some of the key government organizations where biotechnology graduates can find jobs:

Government Organizations:
Department of Biotechnology (DBT)
Council of Scientific and Industrial Research (CSIR)
Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR)
National Institute of Immunology (NII)
All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS)
Biotech Consortium India Limited (BCIL)
Food Safety and Standards Authority of India (FSSAI)
Indian Institute of Technology (IITs) as technical assistants or lab technicians
Central Drugs Standard Control Organization (CDSCO)
Defense Research and Development Organization (DRDO)
Public sector units (PSUs) like Bharat Immunologicals and Biologicals Corporation Limited (BIBCOL)

Key Entrance Exams:
GATE (Graduate Aptitude Test in Engineering): Scores in the Biotechnology paper can help you get into prestigious institutes like IITs and NITs for M.Tech with scholarships.
DBT JRF BET: Provides a fellowship to pursue a PhD in biotechnology.
ICMR JRF: For research fellowship and PhD positions.
CSIR UGC NET: For lectureships and research in biotechnology.
JNU CEEB: For postgraduate programs in biotechnology across many universities in India.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |149 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 09, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi I am 44 years old working for almost 21years now. I have accumulated close to1.6Cr of corpus through diversified portfolio in FD, MF, Stocks etc. I am undergoing health issue post recovery from a major illness and not able to mentally and physically cope up with the demand of the Job which is paying me around 2.5L/Month. I want to settle for a less demanding job even at 50% lesser salary. With my current corpus how to invest it so that i get a monthly interest to maintain my current lifestyle without reducing my corpus.
Ans: You can buy immediate annuity from an insurance company for your corpus of 1.6 Cr as joint holding by you and your spouse and return of purchase price to you, your spouse or nominee either after completion of tenure or expiry of the annuity holder/s.

Assuming modest rate of 6% will yield you a monthly income of 80K per month(pre-tax).

You can always negotiate and shop to get a better rate for your annuity.

If you suppliment this with low stress, less exertion job at 50% of your current salary you will have monthly income of 1.25 L + 0.8L = 2.05 L per month.

Although annuity rates are typically lower you can lock them for a longer tenure.

Most companies or banks offer 5 year FDs.

Few do offer 10 year FDs but then you have TDS deducted at 10% from your interest payout. Also FDs are not entirely risk free.

In case of annuity TDS is not deducted, so far, since tax liability is with the annuity holder.

Please do take care of your health and wish you speedy recovery.

In case you any other concerns, feel free to revert.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |149 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 17, 2024Hindi
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Money
Sir, I had invested in HDFC Sanchay Plus in Long-Term Income Plan. It was a insurance and regular income plan for a period of 30 years. I paid up for five years as mandated by the policy. The pay out would commence from 7th year annually upto 30 years. The principal amount would be paid on completion of 30th year of enrollment. I appears the return of investment was less than 5% and diminishes further with time. I decided to withdraw from the scheme however the HDFC Life is deducting a huge sum from the invested amount. I requested to atleast return the principal amount invested without any add-on. But HDFC Life is referring to the policy clause and declining to return the invested amount. How can I retrieve the invested amount in this scenario. Thanking you in anticipation.
Ans: Most of the people make this mistake of considering insurance coupled with investment as good combination. The fact that insurance regulator allows insurance companies to use words such as "Guaranteed", "Assured" which entice gullible investors, makes things more difficult.

Endowment or money back policies never yield return over 5 to 6%.

Even ULIP policy returns above a threshold will now be subject to long term capital gain tax apart from fund management, policy administration and other heavy charges during first 5 years.

Insurance is for pure protection hence term insurance with appropriate riders is best option.

Unfortunately there is no way you can seek higher surrender value payment because you are contractually obligated by the terms and conditions of the policy agreement.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |149 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 17, 2024

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |149 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 17, 2024

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Money
I am 42 years old, and for the last 18 months, I have been investing ?90,000 per month in SIPs (20% in small cap, 25% in multicap, 20% in hybrid, 30% in large cap, and 5% in an IT digital fund). The total value of these funds is now ?18,00,000. I also have a PF of ?11,00,000, ?3 lakh in the stock market, and two houses with a monthly EMI of ?40,000. Currently, this is all the wealth I have. I would like to achieve a monthly income of ?2 lakh after 10 years. Could you please suggest the best steps I can take to reach this goal? Thank you in advance for your guidance. Best regards,
Ans: Existing corpus 18+11+3=32 L
Assuming modest growth @ 10% pa this corpus will grow to 83 Lakhs 10 year hence.

Also SIP of 90K will yield a corpus of 2.22 Cr after 10 years

So comprehensive corpus of 2.22 + 0.83=3.05 Cr

Considering annuity at 6 % this will yield a monthly income of 1.52 L falling short of your expectation of 2 L pm.

This can be addressed in two ways:
Either you increase SIP amount to 1.30 L or top-up current SIP amount by 10% each year.

This leads to corpus of 3.21 + 0.83=4Cr+

An annuity at 6% will yield you a monthly income of 2 L(pre-tax).

The rental income from your extra house or other fund resources are not considered.

A modest return of 13% is considered from pure equity schemes.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates

Happy Investing

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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