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Single Dad Struggles to Build Bond with Son: Seeking Advice

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu ji, I am 42 yr old single parent. I have a 10 yr old son living with me. My wife and I were separated when our son was 3 yr old and we recently settled our divorce. Immediately after our divorce, my ex-wife got re-married. Her husband isn’t willing to take my son in and hence she handed over his legal custody to me. She has moved on with her life and my son doesn’t feature in her list of priorities. I am more than happy to have him. During the last 7 years of separation, she did not allow me or my parents to meet my son, so we could not build a strong bond together. Now, it has been 6 months since my son has moved in with me. Its only me and him living together ATM. My parents stay in our ancestral village and are unable to stay with me. Though its challenging for both of us to discover and understand each other, it must be tougher for my son. He understands the fact that his parents aren’t together and hence he has to stay with either of us at a time. Sometimes, he does get emotional about this situation not being normal compared to his friends / cartoons / movies etc. He also misses his mother and often keeps quoting that “My mother does it this way...”, “Me and my mum used to do this / that” etc etc and I appreciate that. I am fine with him talking to his mother through WhatsApp and meeting her whenever they wish to. He is also close to his other maternal family members, and I do not have any issues with him maintaining that bond. Now the challenge is, my ex-wife and her family abuses and shoos me away every time I try to ask them about my son such as his eating habits, likes, dislikes, vacation plans etc etc. They also bad mouth me whenever they speak to my son. That poor little soul gets influenced and feels that its punishment for him to live with me. And I feel betrayed as I too have made sacrifices / adjustments in my career, relationships etc to be able to take care of my son. I feel like stopping his communication with his mum and maternal family, but worried if that would adversely affect him. Now I have also started to get angry whenever he speaks to his mum or maternal family and try not to vent out at him, but I sometimes I do. Please guide me to navigate this delicate situation and what should I look forward to in my life.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, stop going back to your ex-wife for things that concern your son.
You have taken the responsibility of raising him, then you can surely figure out his likes and dislikes over time. Spend time bonding with him and be very patient with the outcome. Overnight, you son isn't going to love and fuss over you. So, keep raising him with a lot of love and a very supportive environment. At times, you will see him angry or stubborn bringing reference to the way his mother raised him; that is not the time to be angry but to hear him out and actually agree with him. He is a child, why are you being one? Surely, you understand that this is a very confusing and challenging time for him...why not spend time finding ways to bond rather than get angry when he speaks to his mother? That is their unique relationship; don't stand in the way as your son as he grows older will hold you responsible for keeping him away from her.
Focus on building a connection with him...and if for some reason things get distressing and even more challenging, please take the help of a professional to help the family tide over this phase...
In the meantime, let your focus be on your son, his needs, his joys and sorrows and more...let his know and feel that you as a father will protect him and be there for him at all times...that will change a lot of things for him...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2024

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Dear Anu, My son is 17years and has a affinity towards his mother it seems. Whenever i ask any questions about his studies and plans he shouts at me and misbehaves. I have stopped talking to him because of this. I don't know whether he likes me or not. He seems very content with his computer and his friends.. How can i build a relation with him. Also same with my wife. She does not talk to my parents neither to nay of my relatives. I tried on many occasions to make her realize that this is not okay. My Father is 82 and is longing to talk to her and stay with us...I do not know what is the issue with her. I do not abject to anything she does. How can i convince her...
Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 21, 2024Hindi
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I got married in 2008. Our son was born in 2013. My wife was doing PhD at that time and we both took good care of him as we were staying in an academic campus. Upon completion, my wife moved away from our place with her job in 2018. Initial one year, everything was fine. I used to visit them once in a month as the place was far away. Later in 2019, she moved to a better job location with our son. This place was also far from my workplace. Due to some reasons, she started avoiding me and I could hardly meet them especially my son. I could talk to my son only once/twice every month and see him on average of every 4 months. She does not allow me talk to him over video call as well. My parents who had a great memory with their grandson also cannot talk to him, except after several persuasions by me, she visits my paternal home once or twice in a year. She takes our son to my parents house for an hour and never allows to stay with them. This is happening for the last 5 years. I am clueless as any movement to court might lead us filing a divorce, which will grossly hurt my parents. Sometimes I feel that I should wait for my son until he becomes 18 (he is 11 now) and see him once he goes out of his mom's house. Requesting for your suggestion.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I truly believe that distance can drive a huge gap between two people in a relationship. Long distance relationships (LDRs) are not for everyone and if someone is into something like this, they would have or must have an honest chat about it.
Not being able to be in the company of one another, not being able to share their day with the other, not being able to communicate as often as they want can lead them to become their own person and highly independent not really missing their partner. It can also lead them to find other pair/pairs of ears almost replacing their partner at that moment. Repeating this over time can lead to romantic associations outside of the relationship as well.

Now, what could have caused your wife to take a step to be isolated from you, only you will know...and what has made you wait for 5 years to actually realize that something must be done about this?

Anyway, talk to your wife...I mean, how long can she avoid you? Meet her at a common place, like at your parents' place so that it does not flare up into a big thing. Take the opportunity to try and win your family back. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding that caused all of this. Only when you try to find out, will you know, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
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Hello AnuJi I am 42 and my wife is 40 and we have an 8 year old son. We have recently been staying separately since 3 months after a lot of tensions and my wife's emotional breakdown. Our relationship has been strained since beginning. Though am very loving, caring and devoted to my wife I have possessiveness issues. My wife has been sacrificing a lot on her own accord for our marriage but during her emotional breakdown we learnt the hard way that she was feeling suffocated in all this. She even hurt herself and that is the reason I am very careful in approaching her for reconciliation. My son is with me which gives me solace but I am worried he will miss out on mother's love and holistic development this way. I am unable to create a pathway between me and my wife because she is currently very caustic, bitter, insulting towards me and my family and not willing to hear my side of the story / talk peacefully / agree for counseling etc. I considered having the child stay with her but she has a terrible temper and history of beating the child, sometimes severely and hiding this from me till I found out. I later came to know my child is developing a sulking personality because of this but being a child he is naturally affectionate towards her mother (infact he developed an attitude that he deserves to be beaten and slapped - something he is coming out of gradually now he is with me). Infact parenting style mismatch and arguments was one of the reason of our split. At this moment I want to do whatever possible to bring the family together - short of feeling humiliated / not being heard / agreeing to child being beaten. My wife and me are well educated and even nature-wise she has good qualities as well. I just don't understand how we seemed to have ended up in this mess so abruptly. I do not know whether I should adopt a conventional attitude of saving the family, compromising etc or prioritise individual happiness and adopt a more liberal approach of staying separately even if child misses out on one of our day to day love and care.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's put things into perspective.
1. You and your wife are living separately due to a few challenges
2. Your son lives with you but you feel that the family living together is the best
3. Your wife resorts to punishing your son which is impacting him
4. Counseling is not an option

Which means that you have to step in as your own Counselor. Bringing the family together has to be your journey as your wife is not a part of it as yet. A lot of empathy, patience and the challenge of understanding your wife's emotional breakdown. Obviously, there's something going on deep within her that is making her resort to hurting herself which is cause for concern indeed. Tread carefully but firmly when you speak with your wife. Let her know your genuine intent of bringing the family back together and how much you would appreciate her support in all of this. Encourage her to start working as this will offer her some respite from caring for the family and also set her up professionally.
Give a patient ear to her complaints or outbursts (a very difficult thing for you to do).

What I have stated above is what works much better with a professional as you will have his/her guidance through the process. But give this a shot by yourself and see where it leads you to. Who knows, after a while, she might agree to see a professional...Give this a shot...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7837 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

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Get me some clearity on HDFC BALANCED ADVANTAGE FUND as from last few days my portfolio is going in negative
Ans: Understanding Balanced Advantage Funds

Balanced Advantage Funds invest in both equity and debt. They adjust their investments based on market conditions. This flexibility helps manage risk and aim for steady returns.

Recent Performance Insights

It's natural to feel concerned when your portfolio shows negative returns. Remember, short-term declines are common in investments. Balanced Advantage Funds aim to reduce risk by adjusting their investments. This strategy helps manage market ups and downs.

Factors Influencing Performance

Several elements can affect your fund's performance:

Market Volatility: Changes in the market can impact returns.

Asset Allocation: The mix of equity and debt plays a role.

Interest Rate Changes: Fluctuations can influence debt investments.

Economic Indicators: Factors like inflation and GDP growth are important.

Evaluating Fund Performance

To assess your fund's performance:

Compare with Benchmarks: See how it measures up against standard indices.

Review Historical Returns: Look at past performance over different periods.

Consider Risk-Adjusted Returns: Evaluate returns in relation to the risk taken.

Staying the Course

It's commendable to stay focused on your long-term goals. Short-term market changes shouldn't deter your investment strategy. Maintaining discipline is key to achieving financial objectives.

Consulting a Certified Financial Planner

For personalized advice, consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner. They can provide guidance tailored to your financial situation.

Final Thoughts

Market fluctuations are a part of investing. Balanced Advantage Funds are designed to manage these ups and downs. Staying informed and patient can help you reach your financial goals.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7837 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

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Hello, my mother is 62 year old pensioner. She has invested funds in government securities and postal schemes. Despite submitting 15H form and filing ITR (as a senior citizen person), her tax is getting deducted. Can you kindly explain why this is happening?
Ans: There are a few possible reasons why TDS (Tax Deducted at Source) is being deducted from your mother's investments, despite submitting Form 15H and filing ITR.

1. Incorrect or Late Submission of Form 15H
Form 15H must be submitted at the start of the financial year to all institutions where she has investments.
If submitted after TDS is deducted, it won’t apply retrospectively to recover the deducted tax.
Ensure the form is submitted separately to each bank, post office, or financial institution.
2. Exceeding the Basic Exemption Limit
For senior citizens (60+ years), income up to Rs. 3 lakhs is tax-free.
If her total taxable income (pension + interest from investments) exceeds Rs. 3 lakhs, TDS will still apply.
Even if TDS is deducted, she can claim a refund while filing her ITR if her total tax liability is zero.
3. Form 15H Validity Rules
Form 15H is only valid if total taxable income is below the exemption limit.
If her total income is more than Rs. 3 lakhs, banks and post offices will ignore Form 15H and deduct TDS.
4. Different TDS Thresholds for Investments
Banks deduct TDS on FD interest if it exceeds Rs. 50,000 per year for senior citizens.
Post Office schemes (like SCSS) deduct TDS if interest crosses Rs. 50,000 per year.
Government securities may also have TDS rules based on the issuing authority.
5. PAN Not Updated with the Bank/Post Office
If PAN is not linked to the investment accounts, higher TDS at 20% is deducted.
Ensure all investments have PAN updated to avoid excess TDS.
6. Errors in Tax Deduction System
Sometimes, banks deduct TDS even if Form 15H is submitted correctly.
In such cases, she can file an ITR and claim a refund from the Income Tax Department.
What to Do Now?
Check total taxable income to confirm if she qualifies for Form 15H.
Verify all Form 15H submissions with banks and post offices.
Ensure PAN is updated in all financial institutions.
If TDS is wrongly deducted, file an ITR and claim a refund.
Would you like help with checking if she is eligible for a refund?

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7837 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7837 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

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My son is a Singapore citizen. He has a flat in his name in Co-op. Hous. Soc. in Navi Mumbai purchased in 2005. He wants to sell it. Will you please suggest ways to repatriate the proceeds with least tax implications?
Ans: Selling property in India as a non-resident involves several steps. It's important to follow these steps to ensure compliance with Indian laws and to minimize tax liabilities. Here's a detailed guide to assist your son:

1. Understanding Capital Gains Tax

Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG): Since the property was purchased in 2005 and is being sold now, it qualifies as a long-term asset. LTCG is taxed at 20% for non-resident Indians (NRIs).

Indexation Benefit: This benefit adjusts the purchase price for inflation, reducing taxable gains.

2. Tax Deducted at Source (TDS) Obligations

TDS Rate: The buyer must deduct TDS at 20% on LTCG for NRIs. Ensure the buyer complies with this requirement.

3. Repatriation of Sale Proceeds

NRO Account: Deposit the sale proceeds into a Non-Resident Ordinary (NRO) account.

Repatriation Limit: NRIs can repatriate up to USD 1 million per financial year from their NRO account, provided all taxes are paid.

4. Documentation for Repatriation

Tax Clearance: Obtain a certificate from a Chartered Accountant in Form 15CB.

Bank Procedures: Submit Form 15CA to the bank. These forms confirm that taxes have been paid.

5. Tax Exemptions to Reduce Liability

Section 54: Invest LTCG in another residential property in India within specified timelines to claim exemption.

Section 54EC: Invest in specified bonds within six months of sale to avail exemption. The maximum investment limit is Rs 50 lakhs.

6. Currency Exchange Considerations

Exchange Rate: The prevailing exchange rate at the time of repatriation will apply.

Bank Charges: Be aware of potential charges during the transfer process.

7. Professional Consultation

Certified Financial Planner: Consult a Certified Financial Planner to navigate the complexities of taxation and repatriation.

By following these steps, your son can efficiently manage the sale and repatriation process, ensuring compliance and minimizing tax liabilities.

Best Regards,

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Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 24, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I have been married for more than 3 weeks. And I don't like my husband. I didn't like him before the marriage and it was very clear to my family tht I didn't like him. But my parents forced me to get married to him and it was my fault tht I couldn't prioritise my feelings. I considered what would happen to them if I called off the engagement. And after being married I have been more than depressed. My parents keeps telling what I should do. I don't let him touch me since I don't like him I asked him for some time and on the 2nd day he made a huge issue in my family telling them that I don't let him touch me. I started to resent him after this. Everyone around me keeps on telling Me that he will go abroad in 2 weeks so I should do whatever a wife does. it's been 3 weeks and continuous arguments. I'm so sad. I'm scared of what would happen if I leave this marriage. I can't stay in my own family because they would treat me so bad. I would have to stay alone. Thinking about the uncertain future and consequences am not able to do anything. Am stuck in this miserable situation.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
For sure, it's difficult to be physically intimate with someone that you do not fancy and he is being silly in making this public. Rather than winning you over, he's making it a public issue to gain sympathy which his highly immature.
Now, I am going to give you an example that you may not like.
Eg: You have to live in Japan for 2 years and you do not like that cuisine. But eventually you realize that 2 years is a long time and then you actually start enjoying the food by looking at what's nice in it; healthy, light, good on the heart etc.

It's the same here. You may have gotten forced into the marriage. But it's just 3 weeks. Give it time...NO, you do not have to engage in any physical intimacy with him right away; but at least try to get to know him...maybe someday you might start to appreciate his good qualities, yeah? See, if this is possible in the short time that you have...it's just about having an open mind. Marriages are easy to break, think hard on this one.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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