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Single Dad Struggles to Build Bond with Son: Seeking Advice

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu ji, I am 42 yr old single parent. I have a 10 yr old son living with me. My wife and I were separated when our son was 3 yr old and we recently settled our divorce. Immediately after our divorce, my ex-wife got re-married. Her husband isn’t willing to take my son in and hence she handed over his legal custody to me. She has moved on with her life and my son doesn’t feature in her list of priorities. I am more than happy to have him. During the last 7 years of separation, she did not allow me or my parents to meet my son, so we could not build a strong bond together. Now, it has been 6 months since my son has moved in with me. Its only me and him living together ATM. My parents stay in our ancestral village and are unable to stay with me. Though its challenging for both of us to discover and understand each other, it must be tougher for my son. He understands the fact that his parents aren’t together and hence he has to stay with either of us at a time. Sometimes, he does get emotional about this situation not being normal compared to his friends / cartoons / movies etc. He also misses his mother and often keeps quoting that “My mother does it this way...”, “Me and my mum used to do this / that” etc etc and I appreciate that. I am fine with him talking to his mother through WhatsApp and meeting her whenever they wish to. He is also close to his other maternal family members, and I do not have any issues with him maintaining that bond. Now the challenge is, my ex-wife and her family abuses and shoos me away every time I try to ask them about my son such as his eating habits, likes, dislikes, vacation plans etc etc. They also bad mouth me whenever they speak to my son. That poor little soul gets influenced and feels that its punishment for him to live with me. And I feel betrayed as I too have made sacrifices / adjustments in my career, relationships etc to be able to take care of my son. I feel like stopping his communication with his mum and maternal family, but worried if that would adversely affect him. Now I have also started to get angry whenever he speaks to his mum or maternal family and try not to vent out at him, but I sometimes I do. Please guide me to navigate this delicate situation and what should I look forward to in my life.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, stop going back to your ex-wife for things that concern your son.
You have taken the responsibility of raising him, then you can surely figure out his likes and dislikes over time. Spend time bonding with him and be very patient with the outcome. Overnight, you son isn't going to love and fuss over you. So, keep raising him with a lot of love and a very supportive environment. At times, you will see him angry or stubborn bringing reference to the way his mother raised him; that is not the time to be angry but to hear him out and actually agree with him. He is a child, why are you being one? Surely, you understand that this is a very confusing and challenging time for him...why not spend time finding ways to bond rather than get angry when he speaks to his mother? That is their unique relationship; don't stand in the way as your son as he grows older will hold you responsible for keeping him away from her.
Focus on building a connection with him...and if for some reason things get distressing and even more challenging, please take the help of a professional to help the family tide over this phase...
In the meantime, let your focus be on your son, his needs, his joys and sorrows and more...let his know and feel that you as a father will protect him and be there for him at all times...that will change a lot of things for him...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on Feb 09, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Hindi
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Hello, I am Arvind aged 55, I have 2 kids, elder one is son ( age 26 yrs ) and is already in good job at IT sector in south India, Myself and my wife are raising our daughter who is 8 yrs younger to my son in North India. Our problem/Expectations: My son will not call any of us at his own, He hardly wants to share any part of his routine life, whats going on, untill we will ask him specifics. However, he prefers to just respond only when we initiate the call, txt etc. he would talk as much we asked in limited sentences, bare min txt like OK/Yes. Sometimes, many days would pass even without exchanging any call/txt/msgs- but it does not make him bother to know-hope everything is fine from his side. I mean we are not finding the warmth of son-parent relationship despite the fact that we are not keeping any expectation in terms of money, responsibilities etc. I have tried once/twice to explain that such behaviour hurts all of us. Do not know how to change such behaviour of ignorance, carelessness/avoidance. Pls advice.
Ans: Dear Arvind,
the most fantastic thing of having grown-up children is the world that they can show. Their world is the same as yours, just a different lens. Young adults when guilty shy away/keep to themselves/ or talk in few words. to bridge the conversations my suggestion is talking on neutral grounds. Both you and your child are viewing the world with different perspectives. A few questions that may start a conversation, on your next call, could be:
1.What is that fun app that I don’t have on my phone?
2. What music bands are you listening to these days?
3.Can you send me the link/ play me one of their best songs?
4.Who is your best friend right now? Which activity do you enjoy doing together?
5.Where would be an awesome place to go for a family vacation? Let me know your next break.
6.Did I ever tell you about how I met your (mother)?
Being a loving parent takes sacrifice, but he is an individual. sometimes inspite of being an adult he may not know how to bridge the gap. Do revert, I wish you and your family laughter and conversations.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2024

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Dear Anu, My son is 17years and has a affinity towards his mother it seems. Whenever i ask any questions about his studies and plans he shouts at me and misbehaves. I have stopped talking to him because of this. I don't know whether he likes me or not. He seems very content with his computer and his friends.. How can i build a relation with him. Also same with my wife. She does not talk to my parents neither to nay of my relatives. I tried on many occasions to make her realize that this is not okay. My Father is 82 and is longing to talk to her and stay with us...I do not know what is the issue with her. I do not abject to anything she does. How can i convince her...
Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi ! 20 years ago, I was under a lot of stress raising my two kids while my husband worked abroad. I didnt realise that I was being terribly insensitive to my teenage son's need for attention and understanding. I did not understand at that time that his stubborn behavior and desire to be alone and the visible signs of hatred towards me were due to lack of outward expression of love from me. I used to think that I had to be even more strict with him to correct him and to bring him up well, not by being soft or kind. I also beat him at times and compared him with others with the intention of making him improve in his performance. All mistakes on my part which he has made me realise now . Today he is married and has a child. He showers her with affection. He hates the sight of me and doesnt want to talk with me saying I am the worst mother any child could ever have. I know I must suffer for my earlier behaviour. Just sharing.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you haven't asked me a question, I can't suggest much.
But can say only this: You son's behavior towards you is only a CRY for your attention. He does not hate you; he just wants you around but does not know how to tell you.
Be patient and show him love even if he does not accept it initially. Things will change slowly but surely.
And oh, you did what you thought was right at the time when you did it. So, don't blame yourself; instead focus on how to win his affection back and how to give him the attention that he has wanted...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I got married in 2008. Our son was born in 2013. My wife was doing PhD at that time and we both took good care of him as we were staying in an academic campus. Upon completion, my wife moved away from our place with her job in 2018. Initial one year, everything was fine. I used to visit them once in a month as the place was far away. Later in 2019, she moved to a better job location with our son. This place was also far from my workplace. Due to some reasons, she started avoiding me and I could hardly meet them especially my son. I could talk to my son only once/twice every month and see him on average of every 4 months. She does not allow me talk to him over video call as well. My parents who had a great memory with their grandson also cannot talk to him, except after several persuasions by me, she visits my paternal home once or twice in a year. She takes our son to my parents house for an hour and never allows to stay with them. This is happening for the last 5 years. I am clueless as any movement to court might lead us filing a divorce, which will grossly hurt my parents. Sometimes I feel that I should wait for my son until he becomes 18 (he is 11 now) and see him once he goes out of his mom's house. Requesting for your suggestion.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I truly believe that distance can drive a huge gap between two people in a relationship. Long distance relationships (LDRs) are not for everyone and if someone is into something like this, they would have or must have an honest chat about it.
Not being able to be in the company of one another, not being able to share their day with the other, not being able to communicate as often as they want can lead them to become their own person and highly independent not really missing their partner. It can also lead them to find other pair/pairs of ears almost replacing their partner at that moment. Repeating this over time can lead to romantic associations outside of the relationship as well.

Now, what could have caused your wife to take a step to be isolated from you, only you will know...and what has made you wait for 5 years to actually realize that something must be done about this?

Anyway, talk to your wife...I mean, how long can she avoid you? Meet her at a common place, like at your parents' place so that it does not flare up into a big thing. Take the opportunity to try and win your family back. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding that caused all of this. Only when you try to find out, will you know, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello AnuJi I am 42 and my wife is 40 and we have an 8 year old son. We have recently been staying separately since 3 months after a lot of tensions and my wife's emotional breakdown. Our relationship has been strained since beginning. Though am very loving, caring and devoted to my wife I have possessiveness issues. My wife has been sacrificing a lot on her own accord for our marriage but during her emotional breakdown we learnt the hard way that she was feeling suffocated in all this. She even hurt herself and that is the reason I am very careful in approaching her for reconciliation. My son is with me which gives me solace but I am worried he will miss out on mother's love and holistic development this way. I am unable to create a pathway between me and my wife because she is currently very caustic, bitter, insulting towards me and my family and not willing to hear my side of the story / talk peacefully / agree for counseling etc. I considered having the child stay with her but she has a terrible temper and history of beating the child, sometimes severely and hiding this from me till I found out. I later came to know my child is developing a sulking personality because of this but being a child he is naturally affectionate towards her mother (infact he developed an attitude that he deserves to be beaten and slapped - something he is coming out of gradually now he is with me). Infact parenting style mismatch and arguments was one of the reason of our split. At this moment I want to do whatever possible to bring the family together - short of feeling humiliated / not being heard / agreeing to child being beaten. My wife and me are well educated and even nature-wise she has good qualities as well. I just don't understand how we seemed to have ended up in this mess so abruptly. I do not know whether I should adopt a conventional attitude of saving the family, compromising etc or prioritise individual happiness and adopt a more liberal approach of staying separately even if child misses out on one of our day to day love and care.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's put things into perspective.
1. You and your wife are living separately due to a few challenges
2. Your son lives with you but you feel that the family living together is the best
3. Your wife resorts to punishing your son which is impacting him
4. Counseling is not an option

Which means that you have to step in as your own Counselor. Bringing the family together has to be your journey as your wife is not a part of it as yet. A lot of empathy, patience and the challenge of understanding your wife's emotional breakdown. Obviously, there's something going on deep within her that is making her resort to hurting herself which is cause for concern indeed. Tread carefully but firmly when you speak with your wife. Let her know your genuine intent of bringing the family back together and how much you would appreciate her support in all of this. Encourage her to start working as this will offer her some respite from caring for the family and also set her up professionally.
Give a patient ear to her complaints or outbursts (a very difficult thing for you to do).

What I have stated above is what works much better with a professional as you will have his/her guidance through the process. But give this a shot by yourself and see where it leads you to. Who knows, after a while, she might agree to see a professional...Give this a shot...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 02, 2025Hindi
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My married ex still texts me for comfort. Because of him, I am unable to move on. He makes me feel guilty by saying he got married out of family pressure. His dad is a cardiac patient and mom is being treated for cancer. He comforts me by saying he will get separated soon and we will get married because he only loves me. We have been in a relationship for 14 years and despite everything we tried, his parents refused to accept me, so he chose to get married to someone who understands our situation. I don't know when he will separate from his wife. She knows about us too but she comes from a traditional family. She also confirmed there is no physical intimacy between them. I trust him, but is it worth losing my youth for him? Honestly, I am worried and very confused.
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I understand how difficult it is to let go of a relationship you have built from scratch, but is it really how you want to continue? It really seems to be going nowhere. His parents are already in bad health and he married someone else for their happiness. Does it seem like he will be able to leave her? So many people’s happiness and lives depend on this one decision. I think it’s about time you and your BF have a clear conversation about the same. If he can’t give a proper timeline, please try to understand his situation. But also make sure he understands yours and maybe rethink this equation. It really isn’t healthy. You deserve a love you can have wholly, and not just in pieces, and in the shadows.

Hope this helps

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