Dear Anu, My son is 17years and has a affinity towards his mother it seems. Whenever i ask any questions about his studies and plans he shouts at me and misbehaves. I have stopped talking to him because of this. I don't know whether he likes me or not. He seems very content with his computer and his friends.. How can i build a relation with him. Also same with my wife. She does not talk to my parents neither to nay of my relatives. I tried on many occasions to make her realize that this is not okay. My Father is 82 and is longing to talk to her and stay with us...I do not know what is the issue with her. I do not abject to anything she does. How can i convince her...

Ans: Dear Arvind,
the most fantastic thing of having grown-up children is the world that they can show. Their world is the same as yours, just a different lens. Young adults when guilty shy away/keep to themselves/ or talk in few words. to bridge the conversations my suggestion is talking on neutral grounds. Both you and your child are viewing the world with different perspectives. A few questions that may start a conversation, on your next call, could be:
1.What is that fun app that I don’t have on my phone?
2. What music bands are you listening to these days?
3.Can you send me the link/ play me one of their best songs?
4.Who is your best friend right now? Which activity do you enjoy doing together?
5.Where would be an awesome place to go for a family vacation? Let me know your next break.
6.Did I ever tell you about how I met your (mother)?
Being a loving parent takes sacrifice, but he is an individual. sometimes inspite of being an adult he may not know how to bridge the gap. Do revert, I wish you and your family laughter and conversations.

Ans: Thank you for sharing your situation. It's clear that you deeply value your role as a good son, yet you’re feeling trapped in a challenging environment. Balancing respect for your parents with your own emotional well-being requires patience and a plan. Let’s approach this step by step.

Understanding the Dynamics
Your Father’s Behavior:
His rudeness or illogical behavior may stem from age, personality, or even deeper frustrations that he hasn't expressed. Often, retired individuals struggle with feelings of lost authority or purpose, which may manifest as controlling or negative behavior.

Your Mother’s Role:
Your mother’s tendency to side with your father might not mean she agrees with him entirely but could reflect her way of maintaining peace. She might feel torn but unable to express it openly.

Your Feelings:
It’s important to acknowledge that your frustration is valid. However, remaining in silence and avoiding communication won’t resolve the underlying issues. It may actually deepen the distance.

Steps to Address the Situation
Break the Silence Gradually:
Start by speaking with your mother in a non-confrontational manner. Share how you feel without placing blame. Use “I” statements to express yourself, such as:

“I’ve been feeling very disconnected, and I miss having open communication with you and Dad. I want us to understand each other better.”

Initiate a Calm Conversation with Your Father:
Timing is key. Choose a moment when he is relaxed. Keep the focus on your desire to improve the relationship rather than pointing out his faults. For instance:

“Dad, I know we’ve had our differences, but I value our relationship. I’d like us to find ways to communicate better.”

Set Boundaries Respectfully:
If certain behaviors trigger conflict, it’s okay to set boundaries. Communicate them kindly but firmly, such as:

“I’d appreciate it if we could avoid certain topics that lead to arguments. I think it will help us get along better.”

Involve Your Wife and Children:
Encourage your wife to participate in creating a positive environment. Small gestures, like involving your parents in family activities or decisions, can help them feel included and respected.

Bridge the Gap with Relatives:
Relatives may stay away because of the tension at home. Once you begin rebuilding communication with your parents, invite close relatives for small gatherings to create a more welcoming atmosphere.

Consider Mediation or Counseling:
If direct conversations don’t lead to improvements, involving a neutral mediator, such as a family counselor, can help address issues in a structured way.

Changing Your Perspective
Your parents’ behavior may not change overnight, but your approach can influence the dynamic. Remember, it’s not about winning arguments but about fostering harmony. Small, consistent efforts to connect, like sharing meals or discussing lighter topics, can gradually ease the tension.

Taking Care of Yourself
While rebuilding family relationships, don’t forget your own mental and emotional health. Find time for activities that bring you peace and joy, whether it’s hobbies, spending time with your wife and kids, or seeking support from friends.

Relationships with parents can be complex, especially when expectations clash. However, by taking the first step and showing willingness to reconnect, you can slowly shift the situation. It’s a process, but the effort is worth it.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The choice of when you want to have a child must be left to you and your wife. The rest of the parade can have their own dreams around it, drama around it and add characters to that drama as well.
You choose if wish to be part of that drama or not...If NO< then IGNORE what's happening...And wll, your mother's temper tantrums can also be hers alone...It's like you ignore a child for throwing a tantrum in public, after a few times, the child learns that it has no effect on the parent!
Do the same with your mother...Her anger is only her way of complaining about something that she is unhappy about! You will have to teach her to express herself better and in a calm manner but the start step is to ignore, so that she stops and notices something different and then she may be willing to look within and change...
So, IGNORE the drama for a while...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, stop going back to your ex-wife for things that concern your son.
You have taken the responsibility of raising him, then you can surely figure out his likes and dislikes over time. Spend time bonding with him and be very patient with the outcome. Overnight, you son isn't going to love and fuss over you. So, keep raising him with a lot of love and a very supportive environment. At times, you will see him angry or stubborn bringing reference to the way his mother raised him; that is not the time to be angry but to hear him out and actually agree with him. He is a child, why are you being one? Surely, you understand that this is a very confusing and challenging time for him...why not spend time finding ways to bond rather than get angry when he speaks to his mother? That is their unique relationship; don't stand in the way as your son as he grows older will hold you responsible for keeping him away from her.
Focus on building a connection with him...and if for some reason things get distressing and even more challenging, please take the help of a professional to help the family tide over this phase...
In the meantime, let your focus be on your son, his needs, his joys and sorrows and more...let his know and feel that you as a father will protect him and be there for him at all times...that will change a lot of things for him...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is the reason for your daughter-in-law to develop such feelings towards your wife? Has it been brewing or is it all of a sudden with no warning?
My suggestion would be: The 4 of you could sit down as adults and have an honest conversation. if you intervene, your daughter-in-law might feel picked on and that could make matters worse. It has got to be a discussion between 4 grown-ups and in a very mature way that leads to an outcome of interacting with one another in kindness. This conversation will also help in bringing out what could have possibly been hiding for a long time.
Honest Communication is one of the best ways of mending relationships.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/