Dear Anu, my fiancé ...( pov it’s a love marriage) always gets irritated when I point something wrong statement made by his mother. She is quite friendly but very cunning. He asks me not to talk casually with her.... My family is not this kind.... I’ve always talk to my mum like a chatterbox expressing all my feelings..... but by mistake I did this to my mil.... Sometimes I felt she is not much interested in my feelings..... she is talking to me as her son loves me ..... I guess I can’t never accept her as my mother..... my fiancée says I don’t know how to talk with them.... I haven’t said anything disrespectful... but yeah I do talk openly.... That’s how I talk.... That’s how I am wired..... but I feel deeply hurt as he mentioned that statement. I don’t know how should I behave and talk to them.... Can you suggest a solution for this.

Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such a challenging situation. Balancing relationships with both your mother and your spouse can be difficult, but it's essential to find a way to create harmony. Here's some advice on how to handle this situation:

Communication: Open, honest, and empathetic communication is crucial. Sit down with your mother and your spouse separately and discuss the issue. Let them both know how much you care about them and the impact their conflicts are having on your life.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define boundaries with your mother and your spouse. Discuss what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Make it clear that you expect respect and kindness toward one another.
Counseling or Mediation: If direct communication doesn't resolve the issue, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or counselor, to mediate the conversation. They can provide guidance and facilitate a constructive dialogue.
Prioritize Your Spouse: Your spouse should be your primary concern when it comes to your immediate family. Make sure your wife knows that you support her and are taking her concerns seriously.
Support Your Mother's Transition: If your mother's actions are rooted in a sense of loss or fear of losing you, reassure her that you still love her and that your relationship with your spouse doesn't diminish your love for her.
Time and Patience: Resolving family conflicts can take time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to mend the relationships.
Self-Reflection: Reflect on your role in the situation and ensure you are not unintentionally contributing to the conflicts. Sometimes, small changes in your behavior can make a big difference.
Establish Separate Boundaries: If necessary, you might consider setting boundaries that involve keeping your mother and spouse apart if they can't peacefully coexist.
Remember, it's crucial to strike a balance and prioritize your spouse and immediate family. While maintaining a relationship with your mother is important, your marital relationship should come first. Seek professional help if the situation doesn't improve, as a therapist can provide guidance tailored to your specific circumstances.

Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
No where have you mentioned what your boyfriend does for a living? Could this be the reason that your parents refuse to acknowledge your relationship?
Parents want the best for their children but at times their own beliefs on love marriages etc can come in the way. Since you are an adult, it is time to actually start acting like one. My suggestion is to have a conversation with them and understand the reason for their refusal to accept your boyfriend. If it is one of society and family objection, then you know how to handle it BUT if their concern is more about his character or his job, you both need to make an effort to take away that concern so that they accept all this wholeheartedly.
Find the reason and things will become clearer as to how you must handle the situation.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Ravi,
I wonder what is the point of all this ego tussle? Surely your wife needs to grow up in terms of managing relationships.
Now, if she has decided not to talk to her mother, that is between them and hey, you tried to patch things up as well.
What and how you interact with your parents is solely your business; it would have been nice to have your wife's presence in the same BUT the day she puts aside her ego (this needs some checking as to the root cause of why the wall is up), that day things will change.
I assume that you want to continue interacting with your parents; in that case state that to your wife that that is exactly what you wish to do. Be prepared for a backlash from her; she may ignore you or be angry or tell you that you are causing her stress when she is pregnant. This is to let you go on a guilt trip all by yourself with no chance of getting off the rails. DO NOT be guilty for speaking with your parents and instead offer more love and support to your wife.
The focus has been on what not to do to break relationships rather than what must be done to improve relationships. This may also improve the bond between you and your wife which is so needed when she is going to be a mother.
Impress the fact that the unborn child also picks off emotions and that to have a better space of mind will aid the child's growth.

Being surrounded by people who love and care will also ensure a good pregnancy. This could also be a point to make your wife understand that all battles need not be fought and a few can just be at rest so that they can resolve itself.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
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