Dear Anu, my fiancé ...( pov it’s a love marriage) always gets irritated when I point something wrong statement made by his mother. She is quite friendly but very cunning. He asks me not to talk casually with her.... My family is not this kind.... I’ve always talk to my mum like a chatterbox expressing all my feelings..... but by mistake I did this to my mil.... Sometimes I felt she is not much interested in my feelings..... she is talking to me as her son loves me ..... I guess I can’t never accept her as my mother..... my fiancée says I don’t know how to talk with them.... I haven’t said anything disrespectful... but yeah I do talk openly.... That’s how I talk.... That’s how I am wired..... but I feel deeply hurt as he mentioned that statement. I don’t know how should I behave and talk to them.... Can you suggest a solution for this.

Ans: Thank you for sharing your situation. It's clear that you deeply value your role as a good son, yet you’re feeling trapped in a challenging environment. Balancing respect for your parents with your own emotional well-being requires patience and a plan. Let’s approach this step by step.

Understanding the Dynamics
Your Father’s Behavior:
His rudeness or illogical behavior may stem from age, personality, or even deeper frustrations that he hasn't expressed. Often, retired individuals struggle with feelings of lost authority or purpose, which may manifest as controlling or negative behavior.

Your Mother’s Role:
Your mother’s tendency to side with your father might not mean she agrees with him entirely but could reflect her way of maintaining peace. She might feel torn but unable to express it openly.

Your Feelings:
It’s important to acknowledge that your frustration is valid. However, remaining in silence and avoiding communication won’t resolve the underlying issues. It may actually deepen the distance.

Steps to Address the Situation
Break the Silence Gradually:
Start by speaking with your mother in a non-confrontational manner. Share how you feel without placing blame. Use “I” statements to express yourself, such as:

“I’ve been feeling very disconnected, and I miss having open communication with you and Dad. I want us to understand each other better.”

Initiate a Calm Conversation with Your Father:
Timing is key. Choose a moment when he is relaxed. Keep the focus on your desire to improve the relationship rather than pointing out his faults. For instance:

“Dad, I know we’ve had our differences, but I value our relationship. I’d like us to find ways to communicate better.”

Set Boundaries Respectfully:
If certain behaviors trigger conflict, it’s okay to set boundaries. Communicate them kindly but firmly, such as:

“I’d appreciate it if we could avoid certain topics that lead to arguments. I think it will help us get along better.”

Involve Your Wife and Children:
Encourage your wife to participate in creating a positive environment. Small gestures, like involving your parents in family activities or decisions, can help them feel included and respected.

Bridge the Gap with Relatives:
Relatives may stay away because of the tension at home. Once you begin rebuilding communication with your parents, invite close relatives for small gatherings to create a more welcoming atmosphere.

Consider Mediation or Counseling:
If direct conversations don’t lead to improvements, involving a neutral mediator, such as a family counselor, can help address issues in a structured way.

Changing Your Perspective
Your parents’ behavior may not change overnight, but your approach can influence the dynamic. Remember, it’s not about winning arguments but about fostering harmony. Small, consistent efforts to connect, like sharing meals or discussing lighter topics, can gradually ease the tension.

Taking Care of Yourself
While rebuilding family relationships, don’t forget your own mental and emotional health. Find time for activities that bring you peace and joy, whether it’s hobbies, spending time with your wife and kids, or seeking support from friends.

Relationships with parents can be complex, especially when expectations clash. However, by taking the first step and showing willingness to reconnect, you can slowly shift the situation. It’s a process, but the effort is worth it.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

Ans: First, it’s important to acknowledge your parents' fears, as they often stem from a place of love and concern for your well-being. When discussing your relationship with them, try to have an open and honest conversation. Share your feelings and the strong bond you have with your partner. Highlight the positive changes he has made in his life and how committed he is to your future together. If you can, invite them to see your partner in a different light by arranging casual meetings or family gatherings. This may help alleviate some of their worries, as they can see firsthand the person you love.

However, you also need to reflect on the concerns your mother has raised regarding your partner’s past and anger issues. These are serious points that shouldn't be overlooked. It’s crucial to have a candid discussion with your partner about his temper. Express your feelings about how his anger affects you and your relationship. Ask him to be open about his past and to reassure you about his commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship moving forward. If he truly values your relationship, he should be willing to address this aspect of himself and work on it.

Consider suggesting couples counseling or anger management if he struggles to manage his emotions. This shows that you care about the relationship and want to build a future together. It’s important to feel secure in your relationship, especially when facing external pressures.

Balancing your parents’ concerns and your love for your partner can be challenging, but clear communication with both parties is key. Be honest with your parents about your feelings and be proactive in addressing their concerns with your partner. Ultimately, you deserve a partner who respects you and your family while being committed to your happiness. If you can find a way to navigate these conversations, it will help you build a stronger foundation for your future together.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Do you all live together? If YES, maybe it's time to actually live separately where there is a healthy space between both families. This may not go well with a lot of families where joint family system have ruled for a long time BUT what's the point spoiling relationships and living under one roof. Of course, your husband also needs to be in alignment with this thought.
If not and this is not going to be possible, then do approach your side of the family to intervene...now, either things may get set right OR things may get worse. It's sad that your husband is unable to see your side of things.
One things I want to ask: What makes them feel that you are trying to steal their son? Is it some behavior of yours that they are misreading? Then it's possible to set things right if this can be identified...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
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