Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1647 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 11, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
SB Question by SB on Feb 11, 2022Hindi
Listen
Relationship

 Dear Ma'am, I have been in a relationship since the last 4 years with a person 8 years older to me.
We're of different caste plus I'm still in my career building phase and I can't even think of taking it to the next level.
Also, since last few months the relationship has been a pain in my neck, it has been damaging my inner peace and equilibrium.
He leaves and then comes back, each time I'm firm that I won't resume it but I do love him more than anything else so we get back together.
In this entire process, I feel too exhausted now and the damage feels beyond repair. He's 31 already and his parents are forcing him for marriage now.
Considering the impracticable situations, I know he has already given up on us but continues to be around for the emotional comfort he gets from me.

He doesn't understand that it's damaging me, I can't run around in circles.
He thinks let's continue it till we can, but what after that? He'll suddenly tell me he's getting married and what then? What would I do with all the anger and dissent within? Everyone around me keeps telling me to leave him because of all these reasons. Also, I'm in my early 20s and I have an entire life in front of me, I want to build my career.

Also, I don't feel the need to see someone else just as a relapse or desperate situation, I'm a very conserved person that way. But I do need to break this toxic cycle and regain the control over my life. I want to grow and prosper, but this entire myriad of emotions drags me down..
Please tell me what to do? Thanking you in anticipation.

Ans:

Dear SB,

What are you? His emotional sponge?

One thing I want to appeal to you is: Self-respect is something that we are so ready to give up for just a little love and attention. And the way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.

You are in your early 20s and you have an entire life in front of you and you want to build your career.

With the current space that you are in, do you feel you are choosing wisely to fulfil what you want from life and for yourself?

Also, are there other ways in which you can bring this relationship together. Like sitting him down and talking; maybe an elder in the family can do this.

If nothing works, remember, your life, your choice, your terms…nothing and no one can mess with your peace of mind unless you give them the permission to do so.

You want to prosper, then think and act in a manner that will allow you to prosperity and think of losing all that is keeping from feeling this prosperity.

Step up, take charge of your life NOW. All the best.

Disclaimer: All content and media herein is written and published online for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It should not be relied on as your only source for advice.

Please always seek the guidance of your doctor or a qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Do not ever disregard the advice of a medical professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read herein.

If you believe you may have a medical or mental health emergency, please call your doctor, go to the nearest hospital, or call emergency services or emergency helplines immediately. If you choose to rely on any information provided herein, you do so solely at your own risk.

Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1647 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.
Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

..Read more

Mohit

Mohit Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 03, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi, I’m a 27 year old independent woman who’s living in Bangalore. I’m financially in a good position now. Also, I’ve met a guy 3 years ago and fell for him but he’s not very emotionally connected with me and sometimes acts as a narcissist and doesn’t treat me with respect. I’ve tried communicating with him about how I feel after such actions. He acknowledged and limited such behaviour to some extent. I really love him and spoke about marriage too. He brushes it off and diverts the topic that he’s not ready. I don't see any clear signs of this relationship, even his parents are looking for matches to get him married. He doesn't accept anyone either. My parents are in a different city and they want me to shift with them to look for alliances who can marry me. Recently, they’ve shared a profile and I spoke just for the sake of parents. After speaking to him for 3 and a half hours during the first conversation, I realised that he was a better compatible partner for me. I'm not sure which path to pursue. My marriage is not fixed yet as my decision is still pending. Kindly help me with the best advice.
Ans: I understand that you are in a difficult position. You are in love with a man who does not seem to be emotionally available or ready for marriage. You have also met another man who seems to be a better match for you, but you are not sure if you should pursue a relationship with him.

It is important to remember that you are not alone. Many people find themselves in similar situations. It is also important to remember that you have the power to make the best decision for yourself.

I am against marriage in the first place. I believe that relationships are not meant to be permanent. However, I understand that many people feel differently. If you do decide to get married, it is important to do so for the right reasons. You should not marry someone just because you feel pressured to do so by society or your parents.

The first guy does not seem like he wants to marry you. He has brushed off your attempts to talk about marriage and has even diverted the topic. This is a clear sign that he is not ready for a serious relationship.

The second guy seems like he may be a better match for you. He is emotionally available and seems to be interested in getting married. However, it is important to remember that you do not know him very well. You have only spoken to him for a few hours.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to pursue a relationship with either of these men is up to you. I would encourage you to take some time to think about what you want out of a relationship. What are your goals? What are your values? Once you have a clear understanding of what you want, you can start to make decisions that are in your best interests.

If you do decide to pursue a relationship with the second guy, I would recommend that you spend at least two years getting to know him before you get married. This will give you enough time to learn about his true character and to see if he is really the right person for you.

Mohit Arora S
Founder - Real Dating School

www.realdatingschool.com/1-1_call

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |618 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 14, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi I am 29 year old F dating a 27 year old M. I have always been very conservative and emotional with respect to love. Before him, i never dated anyone, nor allowed anyone to touch me because I wanted only one man in my life. We both have failed to crack a gov job. He has lost all hopes in life and somehow wants to fix his career. On the other hand, My family is pressurising me to get married and even I think that I have reached that stage where I should get married in a year or two. Meanwhile his parents too wants him to get married by next year. However, he refuses to give me any commitment unless he has a stable career i.e government job. And if he failed to do so, then he will marry any girl whom his parents choses because without a gov job, he won't be able to take a stand for me. I his mind he thinks that my family is of high standards than his. (which is partially true) I want some form of commitment from him, but all he says that he wants to marry me, and wants me to stay with him as friend untill he is ready. He has also not given me the tag of a gf, he says that because of that tag I will be emotionally attached to him and if things didnt worked out than I will be devastated. He had also not made any sexual advances towards me. He asked for 6 months to fix everything. However, this undefined relationship without a commitment is emotionally exhausting me. Because of my family pressure, I am in delema whether I should look for someone else or believe someone who has not yet defined anything? I dont want to look for anyone else becase than it is against my personal ideology of being with only one man. Yet, I am scared. What if I ended up being with no one. What should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand your dilemma. Your partner has asked for six months. That might seem and feel very long, given the situation, but it will pass in a heartbeat. You can, only if you want, give him that time and see where things go. Having said that, let me also mention that if you decide to quit this relationship, if it is too exhausting and it's putting you through more emotional turmoil than giving you happiness, you would not be wrong. You have every right to choose peace. After all, why do we love someone? Because they, the relationship with them, makes us happy. There will indeed be ups and downs in a relationship, but if there are only downs, and only more downs to come in the future, it wouldn't be wrong to reconsider that relationship.

Evaluate your needs. Take a little time for yourself to reflect- weigh the pros against the cons. You will have your answer.

Your ideology is commendable. But make sure it doesn't affect your emotional well-being. While your beliefs are admirable, there is also nothing wrong with finding love more than once. Not every love story is bound to succeed, and a single failure should not define your entire life.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |618 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2024
Relationship
It is really difficult to explain what I am going through and my words might not completely bring that out but a piece of advice/perception might be really helpful. I am 30 years old. I have a long term boyfriend(started dating in 2012). He was the world to me till almost 2020. He was my family, my everything. I too meant the world to him. We treated each other like "I am his and he is mine". Such was the commitment and care. We never thought we could even think of marrying some one else. We are in long distance since 2017. Used to meet once in every 2 months sort of. In 2021, I met some one else and started going out with him as we were in the same city just casually believing that nothing serious has to happen between us and that I "obviously" will marry my long term boyfriend undoubtedly. But things drastically changed. I developed strong feelings for this person and met more frequently. I went with the flow despite having immense guilt that things will eventually get very complicated and all the three of us will be hurt. But I never gathered the courage to break ties with this new person as the bonding was very maturely strong between us. Nor I could break ties with my long term boyfriend as he still was "my family" and he was the only one I resorted to whenever I needed someone. The new guy belongs to a caste my family will never agree and because of this I persuaded the marriage talks with my family for my long term boyfriend. My family agreed and my marriage date is scheduled in end of November 2024. But I everyday am in dilemma as to whether should I marry my long term boyfriend as scheduled or should I take a bold step of breaking it and going for the guy I met in 2021. I told my mother about the situation but she said my father will never agree for this new guy's caste and that its too late and I should marry as scheduled. I am not able to take a decision and going with the flow and probably will get married with this dual thought and uncertainty. I have thought a lot about this, about how my life will be with both of them, but its very difficult for me to break things with my long term boyfriend even though I have no romantic feelings for him from the past 3 years. There is 0 intimacy, neither emotional nor physical. But I do care for him. I do want him in my life, whether as a husband or otherwise. I feel the way he takes care of me and thinks about me, no one else will. But the thing is I don't actually "feel" for him anything, nor do I miss him as much, we don't talk the way we used to , there's a detachment. We are in long distance and are in such different fields that we never probably will live closer location wise. There's financial disparity. I earn almost thrice as him but we probably are okay with this. We both are aware of all these problems and are still ready to marry with the "hope" that things will eventually be okay. On the other hand, the guy I met in 2021- he has a good career and location wise, we are in long distance too but way better placed and in near future, his job location might be very flexible. He earns more but has huge family obligations as his family including his two brothers are not very well off. I have probably made peace with it when I thought about considering him for marriage. I love him and we have great emotional intimacy . I feel so calm and happy around him. It's like a festival when he is around me. He too loves me a lot and is ready to take efforts to make our marriage possible given the family and caste differences. I am really very disturbed and unable to decide whether I should break the marriage as if things don't improve after marriage, I will regret it always. Preparations have started slightly and it would be a big step now. Should I just forget about the 2021 guy and marry my long term boyfriend in November hoping that things will fall in place..or.. What should I do! My long term boyfriend has also lost feelings for me but he still cares for me and he says if we work for our relationship, things will be good post marriage
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like a difficult decision to make. But one simple thing is that you should never commit for a lifetime to a person you do not feel for; that does not mean I am asking you to leave him right away and marry the other guy. That means, you can have an open talk with your long-term BF. Tell him how you feel and let him clarify his feelings too. You can postpone the wedding to sort things out first- and think hard whether both of you want to get married at all.
Leaving one does not equate to choosing another. Choose yourself first; your happiness. You can never be happy in a relationship when you are of two minds. Please don't rush to get married to either of them.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |9758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2025

Money
Hi I am 46.working in Pvt sector. Able to save 10000rs per month. Don't have much savings or investment. Kindly guide me how to invest this amount to build up a good corpus in coming 10 years
Ans: You are 46 years old and saving Rs.10,000 every month. You want to create a strong investment plan for the next 10 years. You do not have much existing savings. That’s perfectly okay. You are ready to act now. That’s what matters.

Here is a detailed, simple, and practical 360-degree plan.

? Understand your financial starting point
– You are 46 years old, working in private sector.
– You are able to save Rs.10,000 monthly.
– You have minimal past savings or investments.
– You have not mentioned any LIC, ULIP, or insurance-based investments.
– You are now planning for a better financial future in 10 years.

That’s a great and timely decision.

? Clarify your financial goals
– Think about what you want after 10 years.
– Is it retirement? Or a second income source?
– Or your child’s higher education or marriage?
– Having a clear goal helps in better investment planning.
– You can define your goal in simple terms.
– Also, prioritise between must-have goals and good-to-have goals.

This brings better clarity and commitment.

? Monthly savings are your superpower
– Rs.10,000/month may look small. But it’s powerful.
– In 10 years, it can create meaningful wealth.
– Consistency is more important than amount.
– Keep saving without breaks.
– Even in tough months, try not to skip SIPs.

Discipline is your biggest strength now.

? Emergency fund is your safety net
– You should first build a safety buffer.
– Set aside 6 months of your monthly expenses.
– If monthly expense is Rs.30,000, build Rs.1.8 lakh buffer.
– Start with Rs.1 lakh in savings and liquid fund.
– Keep 30% in savings bank. Keep 70% in liquid fund.
– Avoid fixed deposits. Early withdrawal charges reduce returns.
– Liquid funds are better than savings.
– They offer next-day withdrawal and better returns.

Build emergency fund first. Then start investing for long-term goals.

? Avoid index funds for long-term wealth creation
– Index funds are unmanaged. They just copy the market index.
– They don’t protect you during falling markets.
– They drop fast during crashes.
– They don’t adjust to changing market conditions.
– You need smart fund management for long-term growth.
– Actively managed funds are better.
– They are run by professional fund managers.
– These managers buy or sell based on research.
– You benefit from their market insights.
– In India, actively managed funds have outperformed index funds.

Index funds may look cheap. But they cost returns in long run.

? Avoid direct plans if you are not an expert
– Direct plans don’t give you guidance.
– You must decide fund, amount, changes, rebalancing – all on your own.
– No help during volatile markets.
– No suggestions when your goals change.
– Regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) give guidance.
– You get support in fund selection and goal planning.
– CFPs help you avoid costly mistakes.
– They also review your portfolio regularly.
– Regular plans help you stay invested calmly.
– Investing is not just numbers. It’s also behaviour.

Handholding matters more than small expense ratio difference.

? Begin with 2–3 strong equity mutual funds
– Start with only 2 or 3 diversified equity funds.
– Choose Flexi Cap and Large & Midcap categories.
– These give good mix of large and mid companies.
– Add a Balanced Advantage Fund for market stability.
– These funds shift between equity and debt automatically.
– You don’t need to monitor markets daily.
– Avoid sector funds, international funds, thematic funds.
– They are risky and not suitable for your stage.
– Don’t try to pick many funds.
– Few good funds are enough.

Over-diversification leads to confusion, not better returns.

? Allocate SIP amounts with simplicity
– You can start SIP of Rs.4,000 in Flexi Cap fund.
– Rs.3,000 in Large & Midcap fund.
– Rs.3,000 in Balanced Advantage fund.
– Total = Rs.10,000/month.

This is simple and powerful allocation.

? Increase SIPs every year
– Try to increase your SIPs by 5–10% yearly.
– If income rises, increase investments first before expenses.
– Even Rs.1,000 extra per year makes a big difference.
– Over 10 years, this boosts final corpus strongly.

Growth in SIP is more important than one-time investments.

? Keep equity investments long term
– Don’t withdraw before 10 years.
– Let the money grow through compounding.
– Equity markets have ups and downs.
– But they reward patient investors over time.
– If you panic in short term, you lose returns.

Time is your best friend in equity.

? Avoid investment-linked insurance policies
– Don’t mix insurance with investment.
– LIC policies, endowment plans, ULIPs give poor returns.
– They promise returns, but deliver less than inflation.
– Keep insurance separate and simple.
– Buy term insurance if not already taken.
– Premium is low, cover is high.

Investment-cum-insurance products dilute both goals.

? Review portfolio every year
– Fund performance must be tracked once a year.
– Change the fund if it underperforms for 2 years.
– Rebalance if one fund grows too big.
– Your Certified Financial Planner will help with review.
– Don’t switch funds often. Review, not react.

Long-term success comes from patience and planning.

? Understand tax impact of mutual funds
– Long Term Capital Gains above Rs.1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
– Short Term Capital Gains are taxed at 20%.
– For debt funds, both gains are taxed as per your tax slab.
– Plan your withdrawals smartly.
– Take help of your CFP before redeeming.

Tax planning can save you big money.

? Stay away from risky investments
– Don’t invest in stock tips or small companies.
– Don’t try F&O or day trading.
– Stay away from chit funds and ponzi schemes.
– Don’t follow friends or relatives blindly.

Stick to mutual funds with professional guidance.

? Stay consistent with your plan
– Don’t stop SIPs due to short-term events.
– Avoid taking emotional decisions based on news.
– Focus on your goals, not market noise.
– Investing is like growing a tree.
– Give time, water it regularly, don’t uproot.

Consistency builds wealth quietly and surely.

? Create financial discipline in your life
– Avoid unnecessary expenses.
– Track your income and spending.
– Set automatic SIPs.
– Pay off credit card bills fully.
– Don’t take loans for gadgets or travel.
– Start saving before spending.

Good habits support good investments.

? Finally
– You are starting at 46, but that’s not late.
– Many people don’t start at all.
– Rs.10,000/month for 10 years with right discipline is powerful.
– Focus on quality funds.
– Stick to your goals.
– Review annually.
– Stay invested with the help of a Certified Financial Planner.
– Avoid direct plans if you’re not hands-on.
– Avoid index funds.
– Build emergency fund first.
– Increase SIP yearly.
– Don’t stop investing.
– Your 10-year wealth plan is now in motion.

Let your money work quietly. You stay focused and calm.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x