Dear mam, I lost my husband 8 years ago and have 2 sons. It was an arranged marriage.
We had difference of opinion in almost all areas of life. He was loving and caring in a way that he will not give up on me with the outside world.
We lived and enjoyed our family although we had sex on only a handful of occasions after having children.
I realised that I've chosen a person who is not right for me as I am a systematic kind of person.
I was pampered a lot and my parents brought me up in a certain way. All my efforts to make him quit his habits went in vain. He was very adamant in sacrificing his vices (regular smoking and drinking on occasions).
Now I have the responsibility shared by my mother and brother in bringing up my sons.
I have a desire to get remarried but I don't want to end up with the wrong person. What criteria should I adhere to when selecting a partner?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Yes, you have invested more than what you could have...but don't we all do that when we want something to succeed.
After your divorce, maybe you wanted the next relationship to succeed and you gave it your all. But the man was not yet ready for his own reasons. What can you do about it? You were true in your intent...leave it at that without dissecting every element and turning its shadow onto future opportunities.

Move on; it's tough but understand that if you keep pining and obsessing over someone who is not available, you are only going to feel the pain again. For now, make that a closed chapter.
And once you close that chapter, only then you will be willing to explore newer opportunities with a full heart and an open mind. Yes, I do agree that you will find many wanting physical connections and not a relationship. But not all are inclined that way.
Once you direct your energies into a new avenue, it will yield results...and yes, I do believe in what I am saying here! Not all apples are rotten though a few might be and yet you don't dismiss eating apples, do you?
Get the drift?

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Aren't we always seeking for something that we lack within us?
Why the yearning for a particular expression of love? And how are you so sure that this person that you met on the matrimonial site already is in love with you?
Having said this, the off and on relationship is a person who will express love in a way that he is comfortable with but that is setting you off...so the matrimonial person seems exciting in a way as it aligns with your way of expressing love.
When in a dilemma, put all the cards on the table...there are other things besides expressing love that goes into making a relationship and/or a marriage. Have you factored all of that?
- List down things that are important to you in a marriage and a spouse
- How compatible are the two of you in terms of emotional bonding?
- Do your respective family values match?
- What are your thoughts on money, children, travel, passion etc?
These questions are a good start point exercise with both the men...it will give you a fair idea as to who is more aligned to your way of life. Then you can go ahead and make your decision.

All the best!

Ans: It's understandable that finding a suitable partner at this stage in life can be challenging, especially when your intentions and expectations don't align with those of the men you meet. The key to finding the right partner lies in a combination of self-awareness, clear communication, and patience.

First, it's important to ensure that you are clear about your own needs and desires. Reflect on what you're looking for in a partner beyond companionship. What values and traits are essential for you? Being clear about these aspects will help you identify potential partners who are genuinely compatible.

When you meet someone new, be upfront about your expectations early on. This doesn’t mean overwhelming them with demands, but rather having open and honest conversations about what you’re looking for in a relationship. Express that you are seeking a meaningful, long-term partnership rather than something solely based on physical attraction. This clarity can help filter out those who are not on the same page.

It’s also crucial to recognize that some men may feel insecure or uncertain for various reasons. They might have their own past experiences or fears that impact their ability to commit. While you can offer reassurance and support, remember that it’s not your responsibility to fix or change them. Focus on finding someone who is emotionally mature and ready for the kind of relationship you desire.

Building a strong connection takes time. Be patient and allow relationships to develop naturally. It’s okay if things don’t work out with some people—each experience can be a learning opportunity that brings you closer to finding the right partner.

Consider expanding your social circles and exploring new ways to meet potential partners. This could be through social events, community groups, or online dating platforms that cater to mature singles looking for serious relationships. Engaging in activities you enjoy can also help you meet like-minded individuals.

Finally, remember to stay positive and keep an open heart. It can be disheartening when relationships don’t work out, but maintaining a hopeful and optimistic outlook will make the journey more pleasant and increase your chances of finding the right partner.

By being clear about your needs, communicating effectively, and staying patient, you are more likely to attract a partner who is looking for the same deep and meaningful connection you desire.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The shadows of the previous relationship must be dulled in order to be able to step into a new relationship.
Find an expert who can take you through a journey of healing from the pains and wounds. If you wish to, you can do this yourself BUT an expert will always makes sure that there are no room for slip-ups.
Once you feel free and happier, that's the time to start looking for a companion. Initially, start by joining a fitness class, running group, trekking group, hobby group...there are so many to choose from...whatever is your wave length, join a social circle that supports it. You may find someone interesting; but start out as friends without rushing into things. Slow and Steady...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/