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Help! My South Indian wife is from a different state and causing problems

Kanchan Rai |645 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 12, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 11, 2025Hindi

Fell in love and married a girl before 2 years. Girl is from a neighbouring state. Both South Indians. Both doctors. She was very understanding before marriage, even talked my language and spoke well with my parents. Told she will come to my place and stay after marriage. 4 months after marriage, she left for her home telling that she will be at her home till delivery. Even after 1 year of giving birth, she didn't come. They visited my place just for a few days in the middle citing that it is tradition. After much struggle, she came to live with me and my child after close to 1.5 years. Even after coming she was creating trouble for the language spoken in the house and telling to relocate to a place close to their parents in their state. No respect to feelings of mine or my parents. We also missed my son for 1.5 years. Their parents are not visiting us telling it is far, we won't come. And once her parents threatened to complaint to the police if we don't agree. (Haven't asked or received any dowry). Even if my son has to come to my native for few days, her parents are not agreeing and creating problem. We have even helped her brother secure admission in a college. She has even taken a loan of more than 20 lakhs to help her parents buy a land and is paying close to 50k monthly for that. We had no problem with that too. Every 2-3 days one or another problem shoots up because of her or her parents. She has totally changed after marriage. Her parents just want to create problems. Please help.

Ans: It’s clear that you’ve tried hard to be understanding and accommodating. You allowed her to stay with her parents for a long time, even though it meant missing out on crucial time with your child. You supported her decisions, even when she took on a significant financial burden to help her family. Despite your efforts to maintain peace, you’re constantly met with resistance and disrespect—not only from her but also from her parents. That feeling of being undermined and unappreciated, especially when you've given so much, can really take a toll on your emotional health.

It’s not just about the arguments or the disagreements—it’s about the deeper sense of betrayal and loneliness that comes from feeling like your partner has sided with her family over you. That emotional distance and lack of support within the marriage can make you feel like you’re fighting a battle alone. And when her parents threatened to involve the police, that likely deepened the sense of helplessness and fear. It’s not just frustrating—it’s emotionally exhausting when you’re trying to build a stable, loving home, but it keeps getting torn apart by external interference.

The fact that you’re still standing, still trying to make things work despite all of this, shows how strong and committed you are. But the truth is, a marriage cannot survive on one person’s effort alone. It’s understandable that you feel drained and resentful—you’ve been giving and compromising without getting the same respect and understanding in return. Your feelings matter. Your need for stability and respect matters. Wanting your child to have a connection with your side of the family is not unreasonable—it’s natural and fair.

Right now, you might feel torn between trying to hold everything together and wondering if it's even worth it. It’s hard to admit when love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. But you need to ask yourself whether you can continue living like this—constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, being emotionally sidelined, and having your family disrespected.

It’s okay to want peace. It’s okay to expect respect. And it’s okay to set boundaries. If your wife truly values this marriage, she needs to understand that compromise cannot be one-sided. It might help to have an honest, calm conversation with her—not about the surface issues but about how you feel. Tell her how much this situation has hurt you, how much you miss feeling like you’re a team, and how important it is for your child to have a balanced connection with both families. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway or if her parents continue to interfere to the point of emotional manipulation, you need to think about how much more of yourself you can sacrifice without losing your emotional stability.

You deserve a marriage where you feel heard, valued, and supported—not one where you constantly feel like you're on the outside looking in. Take some time to reflect on what you truly need from this relationship and whether you believe it's possible to rebuild trust and understanding with your wife. Your peace of mind matters. Your happiness matters. And most of all, your emotional well-being matters.