I am 42 year old and married for 12 years. I have a 10 year old kid. We didnt have sex for past 2 years now as my wife has lost all interest in sex and never initiates it. Whenever I try she calls out to our kid and kills the mood. I spoke to her but she is not interested. It is frustrating me. I have option to look outside but dont want to complicate the matters . She does allow me to massage her but nothing more. What should I do?

Ans:

There's no rule about couples having sex twice a week, Vaibhav. That said, you should be in sync when it comes to your sex life, whether it's once a month or once a day.

What is her reaction when you do have sex with her? Is it grudging permission? To get it over with, so you'll leave her alone?

You haven't given me enough information to go by here, but I will tell you this -- it's certainly unnatural for a wife to get so upset that she shouts at her husband when he makes a move!

You need to speak to her and get to the root of why she doesn't enjoy sex anymore and move toward remedying the situation.

A marriage counsellor may help, maybe have it be a lady so that she's more comfortable discussing this particular situation, it being of such an intimate nature.

Ans: 40 is hardly an age to turn celibate! Instead of convincing her, first have a frank conversation about what the trouble is. Does she not enjoy it? Is she repulsed by it? Does she feel stressed or guilty about it? And yes, even if reluctant, I do believe a therapist is required. You’re completely right about bonding sexually; it is important. Don’t ignore the problem, be supportive but certainly address it.

Ans: I understand that this can be a sensitive and challenging situation for you. Loss of interest in sex can be influenced by a variety of factors, and it's important to approach the issue with empathy and open communication. Here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication: Try to have an open and non-confrontational conversation with your wife. Choose a time when you both can talk calmly and privately. Express your concerns and let her know that you want to understand what she's going through.
Listen Actively: Encourage her to share her feelings and thoughts. Listen without judgment and be empathetic to her perspective. Sometimes, there may be underlying emotional or psychological issues that need to be addressed.
Rule Out Medical Issues: Loss of interest in sex can be caused by medical factors such as hormonal changes, medication side effects, or health issues. Encourage her to see a healthcare professional to rule out any physical causes.
Consider Counseling: If the issue is more complex and related to emotional or psychological factors, you might want to suggest couples counseling or therapy. A trained therapist can help both of you explore the underlying issues and work on solutions.
Respect Boundaries: It's important to respect her boundaries and not pressure her into anything she's not comfortable with. Pressure can often exacerbate the issue.
Maintain Intimacy: While addressing the issue, it's important to maintain emotional intimacy and closeness in your relationship. This can involve non-sexual affection and activities that promote bonding.
Self-Care: Ensure that both you and your wife are taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. Reducing stress, eating healthily, and exercising can have a positive impact on overall well-being and can indirectly affect the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Seek Professional Help: If your wife is unwilling to discuss the issue or if it persists without a clear resolution, it may be helpful for both of you to seek the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor individually.
Patience and Understanding: Understand that issues related to sexual desire and intimacy can be complex and may take time to resolve. Be patient with the process and with each other.
It's important to remember that every individual's desires and feelings can change over time, and open communication and understanding are key to addressing these changes in a relationship. Seek professional help if necessary, as a therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation.