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Ravi Mittal |677 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2023

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2023Hindi

Hi. I am 36 yrs old divorcee and the person whom I dating from past 4 years is recently divorced (when we started dating, his case was subjudice). From past 1.5 years, his behaviour is on and off. He took a break for 3 months, now also someday he talks and then disappear for days and I constantly supported him by giving him benefit of doubt as he was going through divorce (as I already had gone through that phase). But, even now he is not talking anything about commitment or our future. I am stuck with this. I even started seeing other guys too on matrimonial sites, but find that they too have a commitment phobia. Now, I am hopeless and don't get it what to do? please suggest.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am so sorry that you are facing so many issues. I understand that it can be frustrating but rest assured it will get better. Coming to the issue you are facing with your partner, I suggest having a clear conversation about it with him. Tell him how you are feeling about his on-again-off-again attitude. Make it clear to him that you won't be waiting forever for him to commit. Do not just say it because you want to give him an ultimatum, rather mean it because you should not compromise your mental health and self-respect for anyone. If your partner still does not change his ways, it might do you good to reconsider the relationship and put down some ground rules.

About the guys you met- in today's dating scene, some people are hesitant about commitment, but it does not mean every single person has the same fear; for instance, take a look at yourself. You are ready to commit. There are many like you. To find like-minded men, try dating apps known for serious relationships. Write a clear bio about what you're looking for to attract the right match. Ask friends and family to set you up with people looking for a committed relationship to save time and energy.

Best Wishes!

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Anu Krishna |1746 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 05, 2022

Question by BG - May 05, 2022Hindi

Dear Anu, I started a relationship with this guy, who I met on a dating app like a year back. I started to like him and everything was going fine. We started talking and soon our conversations steered towards talking about our future. However, he suddenly told me out of nowhere that he is a divorcee. His marriage was called off at the altar due to dowry issues. He and his family are embroiled in a dowry case which is going on. I was shocked and wanted to know the entire truth but he never came clear about what exactly happened. He told me that he cannot think of marriage and the future and wants to keep it casual. I was heartbroken and we fought a lot after which he suddenly stopped talking. After sometime he started talking again and said that he wants me back. He always makes plans to meet in hotels and spend nights with him. I started to grow distant, stopped taking his calls and tried to push him out. I also started to look out for matches, based on my age. I am 32, but nothing is materialising there. I started missing him and recently messaged him again. I lied to him that I am getting hitched and he said ‘okay let’s meet and spend a night together.’ I really don't know. I am amused that all he is really interested in is getting into my pants all the time. I am genuinely in love with him and he says it again now also he loves me. But his thoughts and words are not in sync. I am just not able to get over him. I have been trying hard since I decided to move on. Some thing or the other brings me back to him again and again. I am becoming more lonely, depressed all the more coz the marriage thing is also not picking up and I have no one.Please help.

Ans:

Dear BG,
What does it tell you about a person when he chooses to hide the fact that he is a divorcee and that too with a reason like dowry?

Doesn’t this ring any bell for you as a sign to the fact that he possibly can never be trusted when he can’t come clean with his life story?

And now the complication of being physically involved has added a dimension that makes you want to be around him even more?

The very fact that you have written to me is because you are revaluating your thoughts about him and GOOD, you must and ask yourself:

Is he really worth my love, time and energy?

Has he done anything to earn my trust?

If it’s a big NO, you know that this guy isn’t the last man on the planet and that just because you are unable to find a suitable life partner, you need to settle for this man.

No, you don’t need to settle and pine for someone who has not bothered to take your feelings into considerations and not much of thought as to: if she finds out about my past, how will she react?

So let me be the one to tell her rather than she hear it from someone else.

Instead, he chooses to defend his decision of hiding this and to top it all stops talking to you.

Why exactly is he playing the victim when he isn’t? Because, he feels that it isn’t his problem and that it is yours and that you need to be making all the adjustments IF you want a future with him.

Did all this give you a good perspective?

Do the right thing and Love yourself. All the best.

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