Arranged Marriage: Trust Issues with Girlfriend's Ex-Boyfriend - Advice for a 29-Year-Old Man

Ravi Mittal |518 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi

I (29M) have connected with a Prospective match (26F) through an Arranged Marriage Platform & we both seem to be getting along quite well, interacting regularly via WhatsApp, Phone Calls & even met personally, Twice in the span of a Month. She had been in a Long Term Relationship with her Boyfriend since College, for almost 7 years. They had to Break-up an Year ago as their Parents had not approved of their Marriage (due to Caste Factor). But they both are still in touch as "Just Friends". This is what makes me uncertain about whether I'd be able to Trust her or not. We both get along quite well with each other on almost all other aspects. She regularly interacts with her Ex Boyfriend & whenever I try to ask her anything about it, she shuts me down, calling me 'Insecure' & says that her Past Relationship & Present 'Friendship' with her Ex Boyfriend are solely her Personal Matter & she doesn't owe me any explanation about it, not even after we get Married (assuming that we did). But she also tries to reassure me saying that she has moved on from the Relationship & now their Friendship is just 'Platonic' not 'Romantic'. But I am not able to Trust her completely. Will it be a Reasonable demand, from my side, if I ask her to cut off all contacts with her Ex? Or shall I secretly approach her Ex, without her knowledge & strictly warn him to stay off his Ex Girlfriend as she's soon going to be another Man's Wife? Or else, how should I build Trust with her, in spite of her 'Friendship' with her Boyfriend? Is it even worth trying or shall I move on to find another Woman who is Virgin like myself?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns. But, trust is important in a relationship. If she says they are just friends, if your relationship is healthy, you should be able to trust her.

Having said that, I would suggest you take some time to think if you can get to the point where you can actually trust her without being bothered about this friendship, and not forcefully trust her. Demanding to end the friendship or approaching her ex is not the right way to deal with this situation. You two are not married yet; you still have the time to rethink.

I don't know whether you should move on to someone else, but I believe that you should take some time to rethink. You two are still matches and these problems are trivial now, but once you get married, things will get even more complicated. You can either sort the matter by having an open conversation where you explain how her relationship with her ex bothers you, or you can both consider parting ways. But please do not commit just yet, especially since there is an existing issue.

Best Wishes.

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Hi Anu, I am 35, male. We had a love marriage seven years ago after being together for eight years in friendship. During our courtship, she was in other city in India for three years her higher education.There she befriended a guy, her college mate and eventually we broke up. I was hurt badly. In 2013 she messaged me and asked to marry her but I didn't respond on social media. She would message me every 5-6 months initiating a talk but I never responded. She was in a relationship with the guy while she was messaging me (I read her messages post marriage hence I know).She also had one or two guys interested in her where she had casual talk relationship also while she was not interested in marriage with the first guy from her college. Meanwhile she kept messaging me also between 2013 and 2014.Somehow we met in 2015 and got married. Lately I happened to read messages somewhere on social media about her intimate relationship with the first person (the reason we broke up ) and I was devastated to know that as she had promised she didn't have any relationship with the particular person as it was the first condition for marrying her.Recently I read her messages again with some old friend of her where she approached him and instantly got into intimate chat with him to the extent that she said she loves him and plans to go on a trip with him citing official trip since she works. I am stunned since then. She claims to love me and plans our future and everything but somewhere I sense something is fishy.My queries Should I trust her?Should I confront her?What to do if she plans to go on trip with him while lying to me and I know about it? Should I confront her before she goes on trip?If she says sorry after confronting how can I trust?

Ans:

Dear T,

The very fact that you have approached me, a total stranger on the topic of whether you can trust your spouse or not, simply means that somewhere you have lost trust in her.

The timelines are a little confusing to me and hence what I would say to you is that: Past is the past and what happens there and what people do is what they can in the best possible manner. So, do not bring the past into a present decision.

But if there are any parallel relationships brewing now that are threatening your mind and the marriage, kindly confront her calmly and with ample evidence in your kitty to produce in case she denies them. But make sure that the evidence that you have is all real with time stamps on it.

Do make sure that the confrontation is not for you to prove a point and score high but it comes from a place where you want to know where this marriage is headed.

This helps avoid unnecessary arguments and will help you both be in a solution space.

If she says sorry, you need to ask yourself, if you can move ahead placing trust on her again.

What must she do to gain your trust? State this clearly to her. Move on this quickly before it eats your peace of mind.
All the best!

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