Engaged to a woman who lied about her past, what should I do?

Ans: At this moment, it is essential to consider what you need for your own peace of mind. If you cannot trust her fully or feel uneasy without clarity, it is important to address those feelings before committing to marriage. It is not selfish to seek answers or reassurances when your heart and mind are in turmoil. At the same time, be mindful of your approach, as accusations or blame can shut down any chance of constructive communication.

If she continues to avoid the conversation, involving both families might be a reasonable step. This is not about blaming or shaming anyone but about ensuring that both of you enter into marriage with mutual trust and respect. Marriage is a union of not just two individuals but also their values, emotions, and expectations. Without addressing these concerns now, the unresolved doubts could seep into your relationship later and cause greater harm.

It’s also worth reflecting on what you need from your partner to move forward. If her commitment to being loyal and faithful now feels insufficient because of her refusal to engage in an open dialogue, that’s valid. Trust cannot thrive where communication falters. If she can assure you of her devotion and you feel you can let go of her past, there’s a path forward. But if doubts linger and trust remains elusive, stepping back to reassess might be the wiser decision, even if it’s painful in the short term.

Whatever choice you make, be gentle with yourself. This is an emotionally taxing situation, and it’s okay to take time to process everything. Listen to your heart, but also give weight to your instincts—they’re often our clearest guides in moments of uncertainty.

With understanding and strength,

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Again I say this...it's not easy speaking the truth and it's not easy hearing it either.
In both cases, the person involved absolutely needs to hear it from the other person that they are safe. Which means you cannot reassure her after she comes to have the conversation. This has to happen much before and it possibly is going to take some time.
And I still support you need to know...but do so gently...without bringing in your eruptions in emotions which is going to bring things down even more.
Even after attempting this, if you have doubts and it has begun to haunt you; there's a dilemma that you are going to be faced with. But, be patient and ease her into meeting with you.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Your fiancée’s reluctance to meet and discuss the matter might stem from fear, shame, or uncertainty about how you’ll react. She may feel overwhelmed by the prospect of confronting the past, worried that no matter what she says, it could jeopardize the relationship. While this doesn’t excuse her unwillingness to communicate, it does offer insight into her possible mindset.

Using threats, even if empty, is not the best approach. While it might prompt a reaction, it risks deepening her mistrust and could escalate the situation unnecessarily. Building trust requires patience and empathy, even in difficult moments. Instead of issuing ultimatums, focus on creating an environment where she feels safe to open up.

You could start by reaching out to her in a calm, understanding tone, perhaps through a message or phone call. Express your intentions clearly—let her know you’re not seeking to judge or punish her for her past but simply want to understand her better so you can move forward with clarity and trust. Reassure her that this conversation isn’t about ending the relationship but strengthening it. For example, you might say:

“I know this is a sensitive topic, and I understand why you might feel hesitant to talk about it. But it’s really important to me that we have an honest conversation before taking this big step in our lives. I care about you, and I want us to start our marriage on a foundation of trust and understanding. Can we meet somewhere private and talk openly? I promise to listen without judgment.”

If she still refuses, you might suggest involving a neutral third party she trusts—perhaps a friend, family member, or counselor—to mediate the conversation. This could help her feel less vulnerable and more supported during such a challenging discussion.

Postponing the wedding could also be a wise decision if you feel the current timeline doesn’t allow enough space to address these unresolved issues. Framing the delay as an opportunity for both of you to strengthen your relationship rather than as a punishment or doubt about her character can help ease tensions.

Ultimately, your goal is to build mutual trust and understanding, and that requires willingness from both sides. While you can’t force her to open up, you can make every effort to show her that you’re approaching this with compassion and a desire to move forward together. If she continues to resist, it’s worth reflecting on whether this relationship is built on the transparency and collaboration you value.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad that both of you have been so thorough and responsible. It shows your sincerity towards this relationship. Now coming to her lying: it isn’t necessary that she lied about this one thing means she might be lying about a lot of other things. Usually, women find it difficult to talk about such sensitive topics. She might have actually fumbled and tried to be in your good graces, lied about it herself. Nevertheless, I understand your hesitation about trusting everything she says now. It’s great that you are trying to address it right away instead of waiting till after marriage. I suggest you have an open and honest conversation about your concern with her. Give her another chance to explain and gauge her sincerity. There’s a lot of things in life that we cannot really verify but we still choose to believe that it’s the truth. Have a talk and see where it goes. But I would also suggest not to be rash about your decision, whether to proceed or not at all; think calmly and rationally. In case, you feel that you cannot ever trust her and it might become a huge issue later, it’s best to reconsider right away. But if you think this relationship is worth fighting for, talk and talk till you are entirely sure that things are sorted.

Hope this helps.