I'm caught up in a very difficult situation. I had met a Woman through Arranged Marriage Platform, while we both were getting along quite well with each other, I told her that I'm Virgin & asked her about her Past Relationship(s) if any, she denied categorically. We got Engaged, last month (in November) & our Wedding is scheduled next Month (January). Preparations are going on, including Distribution of Invitation cards. A few days ago, a Guy contacted me, claiming to be my Fiancee's Ex Boyfriend. Initially, I didn't take him seriously as I trusted my Fiancee. But then he showed me some Photos & Videos of their Intimate Moments (as it was apparent from the Videos, she seemed to be conscious & fully aware that their intimate moments are being recorded & some of the Photos were Nude/Semi-Nude Selfies, which she'd taken & shared with her ex Boyfriend, by herself... but she had not consented to share them with anyone else). I was Shocked. The Ex Boyfriend Reassured me that he'd also moved on from her & wouldn't bother her after her Marriage, but he was feeling bitter that she'd Dumped him to Marry me & just wanted to make me aware of what kind of Woman I'd be Marrying. I confronted my Fiancee over a Phone Call & asked her to meet me personally, as there were many Questions disturbing my Heart & Mind and I wanted to demand an Explanation from her. But she refused to meet up with me & wouldn't even discuss anything related her Relationship History on Phone Call/Video Call or WhatsApp Chat. She just kept telling me that it was all in her 'Past' & Promised me that after we both get Married, she'd be a Faithful Wife, Loyal to me.
I want to have an Open-Heart conversation with her to Re-evaluate our Relationship before taking any big decision further. But, since she's bluntly Refusing to open up & discuss anything about her Past with me, I am losing Trust in her.
Now I am in Dilemma, whether I should blindly Trust her & go ahead with the Marriage as Planned or shall discuss the matter with our Parents & get the Marriage Cancelled, to avoid taking such a Big Risk?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What made the ex-bf come and disrupt things? Is this his way of getting back at his ex-gf (your soon to be wife)?
I would not trust his intentions...at the same time, now that you know, you have the right to actually talk to her and clarify things. She needs to respect your need to know; but did it occur to you that she might have not opened up with you as she has been afraid of this confrontation?
Many people have a past and it may not be pleasant and in this case, that's what it seems like...if she is hesitant, reassuring her and giving her a comfort space to open up maybe the best thing to do. She needs to know that she is safe with you to share and she may tell you everything. Now, how you use that information is left to your wisdom BUT do not judge people based on their past. Why I say this is: I do not trust the ex-bf's intentions coming to you and close to the wedding sharing information that suggests that he might be out to destroy her reputation.
Now whether you must blindly trust her or not, is something that you ask yourself. If you are willing to set things aside and hear her version of the story and then either you trust or you don't; no conditions apply. That is your choice...But when you make a choice of trusting, then DO NOT look back...
All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 07, 2024 | Answered on Dec 09, 2024
Thanks for Answering my Question, Anu Ma'am...
I agree with whatever you have said... I understand her situation & empathize with her Situation. I am willing to give her the Benefit of Doubt & Listen & Understand her side of the Story, without any Harsh Judgement.
But she's not even willing to sit down for an Open-Heart Discussion with me.
I prefer to have this difficult conversation by meeting her alone, personally, in a Safe Space where we get all the Privacy we need, not in either of our Homes, to avoid the intrusion of other Family Members. The main Reason for preferring a Personal Meeting over a Phone Call/WhatsApp Chat is that, I want to observe her Body Language & Facial Expressions keenly, to ascertain whether she's being truthful or not. And she might get emotional & break down, during the Sensitive conversation, I want to Hug her & Comfort her, so that she feels safe to open up to me, completely.
But how can I Trust a Person, who isn't even willing to have an Open & Honest Conversation with me...!!!???
I like almost everything else about her, notwithstanding her Past & a part of me does want to Marry her, but I have many Questions about her Past & I need Honest Answers from her, to make an Informed Decision. But she's asking me to wait until we get Married & then she'd prove herself as a Worthy Wife. But I am afraid that it might be too late & at that point, it wouldn't be easy to undo the Marriage, just in case, I don't find her Honest & Trustworthy enough.
I am exploring the option of Postponing the Wedding (citing some other Reason) so that we both get more time to sort this out.
But the problem is, how do I get her to talk with me...!!!???
She's unwilling to come anywhere & meet me personally & I don't want to go to her Home & unnecessarily create a scene over there.
Shall I threaten her that I'd tell my Parents about her Past & Cancel the Wedding, unless, she comes to meet me in person, for an Open & Honest Conversation?
I wouldn't really do something so Harsh, but would this empty threat make her open up to me or have the Opposite effect?
If you have a better Idea, please suggest me, how do I get her to meet me personally & Talk to me openly?
I have another Question related to this, which I'll post after you Reply to this Question.
Thanks in advance, Anu Ma'am ????
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Again I say this...it's not easy speaking the truth and it's not easy hearing it either.
In both cases, the person involved absolutely needs to hear it from the other person that they are safe. Which means you cannot reassure her after she comes to have the conversation. This has to happen much before and it possibly is going to take some time.
And I still support you need to know...but do so gently...without bringing in your eruptions in emotions which is going to bring things down even more.
Even after attempting this, if you have doubts and it has begun to haunt you; there's a dilemma that you are going to be faced with. But, be patient and ease her into meeting with you.
All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 10, 2024 | Answered on Dec 11, 2024
ListenThanks again, Anu Ma'am...
But I have another Problem... What to do about the Ex Boyfriend? A Part of me is grateful to him for the Eye-opening Revelation, he'd given me, in the nick of time. He seems to consider me as a Brother & by warning me about my Fiancee, he claims to be upholding the unwritten Bro-code, having the back of a Fellow Man... Though illegal, he Believes that he's Morally Right... He says that, even a Woman, in his place, would do the same, for a Fellow Woman. Even though he tried to Reassure me that he'd moved on from his Ex Girlfriend (my Fiancee) completely & wouldn't disturb our Married Life, in case, I still go on to Marry her. But I am not able to Trust him completely. I feel that he's a Potential threat to my Fiancee & also our Marriage. He might blackmail her into engaging in an Extra-marital affair with him, even after our Marriage... or he might also try to Harm her or Defame her. Should I completely Leave it to my Fiancee to Deal with him, as she herself is not completely Blameless (She allowed him to Record their Intimate Moments & also shared her Private Photos with him)? Or do I have any Obligation to fight this Battle, alongside her, as she's already my Fiancee, if not Wife? I'm worried about Risking my Family's Reputation, by getting into this scandal, in case, the word spreads in our Community. Either way, I want him to be dealt with properly, before our Marriage itself. What approach would you suggest, in this case?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Anyone who steps in or is allowed to step in between a couple in a relationship is an outsider. Treat him like one!
This guy has no business coming in and creating a ruckus for all...he could have warned you much before? Bro-code yeah? So, why now? Does this not raise alarm bells in your head?
This is between you and your to-be wife...Keep this guy aside and only take this up with her...The second you keep him out and he knows it, he will realize that you have not given him permission to interfere anymore...one less person to deal with, yeah? Also community comes in only when you bring it in...Why do I get this feeling that you are rallying an army to sort the issue. Soften it in your mind first and then slowly take it up...
Again, I say...it's up to how you want to drive this conversation with her...confrontation OR reconciliation? This alone is going to define the outcome.
All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/