Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Anu

Anu Krishna  |839 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
T Question by T on Oct 19, 2022Hindi
Listen
Relationship

Hi Anu, I am 35, male. We had a love marriage seven years ago after being together for eight years in friendship.
During our courtship, she was in other city in India for three years her higher education.
There she befriended a guy, her college mate and eventually we broke up. I was hurt badly.
In 2013 she messaged me and asked to marry her but I didn't respond on social media.
She would message me every 5-6 months initiating a talk but I never responded.
She was in a relationship with the guy while she was messaging me (I read her messages post marriage hence I know).
She also had one or two guys interested in her where she had casual talk relationship also while she was not interested in marriage with the first guy from her college. Meanwhile she kept messaging me also between 2013 and 2014.
Somehow we met in 2015 and got married. Lately I happened to read messages somewhere on social media about her intimate relationship with the first person (the reason we broke up ) and I was devastated to know that as she had promised she didn't have any relationship with the particular person as it was the first condition for marrying her.
Recently I read her messages again with some old friend of her where she approached him and instantly got into intimate chat with him to the extent that she said she loves him and plans to go on a trip with him citing official trip since she works.
I am stunned since then. She claims to love me and plans our future and everything but somewhere I sense something is fishy.
My queries
Should I trust her?
Should I confront her?
What to do if she plans to go on trip with him while lying to me and I know about it? Should I confront her before she goes on trip?
If she says sorry after confronting how can I trust?

Ans:

Dear T,

The very fact that you have approached me, a total stranger on the topic of whether you can trust your spouse or not, simply means that somewhere you have lost trust in her.

The timelines are a little confusing to me and hence what I would say to you is that: Past is the past and what happens there and what people do is what they can in the best possible manner. So, do not bring the past into a present decision.

But if there are any parallel relationships brewing now that are threatening your mind and the marriage, kindly confront her calmly and with ample evidence in your kitty to produce in case she denies them. But make sure that the evidence that you have is all real with time stamps on it.

Do make sure that the confrontation is not for you to prove a point and score high but it comes from a place where you want to know where this marriage is headed.

This helps avoid unnecessary arguments and will help you both be in a solution space.

If she says sorry, you need to ask yourself, if you can move ahead placing trust on her again.

What must she do to gain your trust? State this clearly to her. Move on this quickly before it eats your peace of mind.
All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |839 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 26, 2023

Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu Myself 38 Male, Government Employee and married. I married to a girl in 2013 as per chosen by my parents. Prior to marriage, I was in relationship of 6 years, but could not marry due to caste differences. Its a bit long story. In last december 2021, a women, 9.5 years elder to me, initiated relationship and proposed me. After few initial days, her husband expired, who was 60 years at the time of death. After her proposal, I accepted it, although, she was in another relationship with a man of 27 years continuously, on the pretext that her husband used to drink, and do not use to work and often used to cast her away from home and that man took care of her and her children. When she entered in my life, I inquired about that and she told me that that man is just friend now, as that man took care of her and her children. One strange thing that came into my mind that women told me that man left her as he got involved in another women and that man is only for doing household and outside chores, and nothing else. How come a person remain in relationship obviously being aware of other partner infidelity. One particular strange I like to share with you that when I met her for first time at her home, as there was no body else, she was with her female friend and that man came to her house, around 10 pm. When she got to know that that man is coming, she hurriedly asked me to leave the house for some 1 and half hours and then come back as she told me that her uncle is coming to pay a visit. I came to know about that man around 10 february, 2021. I totally relied on her conversation that he is only acquaintances now and no more a lover and she totally loves me. After that, she loved me a lot, had physical relationship and she told me that she wanted to live the rest of her life with me. Seeing her love, I also accepted her fully and totally. That other man remained in her life, apart from husband, for the last 27 years. But she used to say ill about him, like he looted her money, got involved with other women, despite her. That used to make me very sceptic thinking that she must be having feeling for him, as together for 27 years is very long time. But her problem is that she is too sceptic a person. she cannot tolerate a name of any women from my lips, let alone my sister. She used to doubt my concern towards her daughter as her daughter is younger to her and I might fall for her daughter. I clearly told her that your daughter is like my daughter. Recently, she started to doubt about my sister in law. I took the oath of all the Gods and my children, but she brushed aside all my Oaths. This was going on from 28 May to 27 June, 2023. She levelled all the filthy allegation that I was having the sight on her daughter and on my sister in law. I also came in rage. She was in the mode of character assassination and I did not take that lightly. I expressed all my displeasure and anger on her and finally, on 27 June, 2023, I blocked her from whatsapp and phone. She is kind of person who would show off about her materialistic things, her status, but in reality, in her bad times, when she was not having any money, I took care of her, her ration and money problems. But being sceptic about relationship with my sister in law, who is just 22 and I call her beta, she was adamant in proving that I was having relationship with my sister in law. She was such a possessive person that she even cannot tolerate my wife with me. She called on my wife phone saying that she is talking from Bank etc. But now, my wife is almost certain that I am having affair. I relied on her thinking that i should give life a second change. But now, I am regretting in relying on that women words. I have blocked her, but she is not trying to contact me from other phones. Help..
Ans: Dear Harish,
You seem to be running after a woman who either cheats or lies or both. From what you have described this lady wants it all from you but will be who she is and not change.
Doesn't all this look like a red flag to you? What more should she do for you to know that she is unsure about herself and you as well?

And because of all this drama, you don't have the time, energy and inclination to give your marriage a fair chance. Why should your wife be at the receiving end of all this drama? Does she not have the right to know and also have the option of deciding if she wants to continue in the marriage or not?

It's time you re-evaluate your life and PAUSE. Take a wise decision that is good for you and your life in the long-term. Riding on emotions mindlessly only means anyone can take advantage of your vulnerabilities and 'use' you which obviously will not feel good at all. So, be wise...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |839 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2023Hindi
Listen
Hi Anu, I am a 40 year old man (never married) who got in touch with a 39 year old woman on a matrimony site. On the site, her marital status was Never Married but as we chatted suddenly she told me about her first marriage that lasted for a month and now she has divorced that person due to dowry issue. I was taken back with this concealed information but continued to chat with her. One day, I happened to see a pic of her with her cousin brother on Instagram. There was a cake right in front of them that mentioned Happy Anniversary. I asked her about it. She first said it was for Birthday Anniversary. Then she said, the cake shop guy made a mistake and then she said that her cousin brother said 'Tumne bhai behen ka rishta ka ram naam satya hain kar di'. I'm confused now, is this cousin brother actually her husband only or cousin brother. After asking her about this, all she did was delete that pic from Instagram and she said it is her cousin brother only. I then asked her to show her divorce papers, she claims it is with her father in some locker and is confidential, so cannot be shared. She lives in Kolkata and I stay in Mumbai and to take things forward wrt marriage she wants to meet me at Kolkata but I'm confused with all this. Also, within few days of chatting with her she started calling me baby, she claims to have falled in love with me and also suggested we do foreplay when we meet. We've been chatting since 5 months on WhatsApp and I gradually have developed feelings for her. On phone we have spoken twice and we had a video call also once. Please advise on how can I proceed. Is she a fraud?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's difficult to figure out people even when you live with them for years...online connections are something else!

Now that there is a seed of doubt, your mind will not be at rest until you find ways of pacifying your thoughts. Do make that visit to Kolkata and figure out for yourself by meeting her in a public place so that there is no chance of anything going awkward.

Ask her all the questions that you have. And encourage her to ask you whatever she wants to as well. This will make it look not like an interrogation.
Also, in this meeting itself, place all your doubts about the picture and notice what she says and how she deals with it. My suggestion also would be to not rush into the physical aspect right now till you know more about her and her life. If her being a fraud is true, it will only complicate things as she might accuse of you being the one to initiate things physically. So make this trip about getting to know one another and if you are convinced that she is genuine, you may suggest that she can visit Mumbai the next time.

Make sure you give yourself time to make a decision. Online connections do happen; sometimes they are genuine and sometimes not! Which side of the spectrum is yours, you are going to have to figure it out...do just that...

All the best!

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1374 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 04, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Hi I am 25 years old with monthly salary of 50000. I want to buy a home in 3 to 4 years and also want to create wealth. How and where to invest please suggest. As of now no savings.
Ans: It's great that you're thinking about your financial future at such a young age. Saving for a home and building wealth is wise.

Budgeting: Create a simple spreadsheet or use a budgeting app to track your income and expenses. This will help you understand where your money is going each month.

Emergency Fund: This fund acts as a safety net in case of unexpected expenses like medical emergencies or job loss. Aim to save enough to cover three to six months of your living expenses.

Investments for Wealth Creation: Mutual funds and Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) are popular options for long-term wealth creation. They pool money from multiple investors to invest in a diversified portfolio of stocks, bonds, or other securities.

Saving for a Home: Fixed deposits (FDs) or recurring deposits (RDs) are low-risk options for saving towards your home purchase. They offer guaranteed returns over a fixed period, making them suitable for short-term goals like a down payment.

Risk Management: Since your goal is to buy a home in 3 to 4 years, it's crucial to avoid high-risk investments like individual stocks or cryptocurrencies. These investments can be volatile and may not align with your short-term goals.

Diversification: Spread your investments across different asset classes to reduce risk. For example, you could invest in a combination of FDs, mutual funds, and SIPs to achieve a balanced portfolio.

Consultation: While these are general suggestions, it's essential to seek personalized advice from a Certified Financial Planner. They can assess your financial situation and provide tailored recommendations based on your goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon.

By following these steps and staying disciplined in your savings and investment approach, you can work towards achieving your goals of homeownership and wealth creation.

...Read more

Archana

Archana Deshpande  |27 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on May 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
Listen
Hello Sir/Ma'am I'm facing problems regarding money and career related. However I'm working I'm earning but I not able set a goal, and day by day I'm becoming older, family responsibilities can't be handled because of salary issues. What to do, when I was in 12th standard my sister advised me to choose engineering line, she gave me wrong advise now I'm suffering and she is also working earning well n good she is getting high package but I'm. I think my problem is I'm not able to set a goal. Please suggest me, guide me.
Ans: Hi!!

Can I begin by saying, "stop blaming anyone for your circumstances". Your sister advised you for your own good. Engineering is a good degree to have. If you are not happy with doing technical work then see if you can add an MBA or some other skills to increase your chances of earning more. Life is all about taking decisions on a minute to minute basis. Take the right decisions now, let's leave the past behind, thinking about it has no meaning now.
... will you promise me not to indulge in the three c's- don't COMPLAIN, CRITICIZE and CONDEMN!!
Let's look forward now ...
I always believe in putting everything that overwhelms me on paper... then it starts looking doable and simpler!
So that's your first task, put everything on paper( make a goal book, write everything in it), your desires, your dreams, your goals and a everyday to-do list.
The goals should be in every aspect of your life....
1. Financial Goal
2. Career Goal- what other skills do you need to earn the money you need and move ahead in your career
3. Relationships Goal, the quality of your life is based on the quality of your relationships
4. The goal of your physical and mental well being, if you are mentally and physically fit then you can live life well
5. How to be happy without any reason, that's your primary goal.... ask yourself "what are the ways in which I can have fun where money is not involved" - looking at the sun, spending time in nature, listening to the birds singing, playing with small children( they just want you, not your money), helping someone in need, sipping coffee peacefully, make a list of all these and try doing at least two of them every day.

I don't know how good is your relationship with your sister, you say she is doing well, can you ask for her help, without blaming? Ask for help and learn from her. I am sure blood is always thicker and she will help you.

Life is never a straight line, there will always be an up and a down!

Keep up your spirits, everyday is a new day, don't blame yourself, don't blame others. be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

Everyday, take one step towards your goals, move forward... and as regards to ageing, believe me age is just a number, you are as young as you think!!

Here's wishing you a happy, healthy , wealthy life ahead!!

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1374 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 04, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Sir,Iam retiring this month I want to invest one core, so that I can getdecent return and also consider inflation.
Ans: As you prepare for retirement, it's crucial to invest your corpus wisely to ensure a steady income and protect against inflation. Here are some considerations and recommendations:

Risk Profile: Assess your risk tolerance and investment objectives. Since you're retiring, you may prefer a more conservative approach with lower-risk investments that offer stability and income.
Asset Allocation: Consider a diversified portfolio comprising a mix of asset classes such as equities, bonds, and fixed-income instruments. Allocate a portion of your corpus to equities for growth potential and the remainder to fixed-income securities for stability and income.
Fixed-Income Options: Explore fixed-income instruments such as government bonds, corporate bonds, and fixed deposits. These provide regular interest income and are relatively safer than equities. Consider laddering your fixed-income investments to manage interest rate risk.
Inflation Protection: To protect against inflation, consider inflation-linked bonds or mutual funds that invest in inflation-protected securities. These investments adjust their returns based on changes in inflation rates, helping to preserve purchasing power over time.
Dividend-Paying Stocks: Dividend-paying stocks of established companies can provide a steady income stream in retirement. Look for companies with a history of consistent dividends and strong fundamentals.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Instead of investing a lump sum, consider setting up an SWP from your investment portfolio. This allows you to withdraw a fixed amount periodically, providing a regular income stream while keeping your capital invested.
Consult a Financial Advisor: Given the importance of your retirement funds, consider consulting with a certified financial planner or investment advisor. They can assess your financial situation, goals, and risk tolerance, and recommend a tailored investment strategy to meet your needs.
Regular Review: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your retirement goals and financial needs. Rebalance your portfolio as necessary to maintain the desired asset allocation and risk profile.
By carefully considering these factors and seeking professional advice, you can make informed investment decisions to secure a comfortable retirement and protect against inflation.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1374 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 04, 2024

Listen
Money
I started sip with 500 per month 6 years ago and now I have been investigating 1,20,000per month and do have plan to increase this to 2lac per month (including me and my wife's portfolio) I do invest in direct stocks as well. What would be the advise for me , is it wise decision to invest 2lac per month in mutual funds (70%equity) ? My Target is to build 5 crore by 2030.
Ans: It's commendable that you've been consistently investing and increasing your SIP amount over the years. Here are some considerations and advice:

Diversification: Investing in mutual funds alongside direct stocks provides diversification, which can help mitigate risk. Given your target of building a substantial corpus by 2030, diversification is crucial for long-term wealth creation.
Risk Tolerance: Assess your risk tolerance carefully, especially since you mention investing 70% in equity. Equity investments can offer higher returns over the long term but come with greater volatility. Ensure that your risk appetite aligns with your investment strategy.
Review and Adjust: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals, risk tolerance, and market conditions. Consider rebalancing your portfolio periodically to maintain the desired asset allocation.
Financial Planning: Consider consulting with a certified financial planner to create a comprehensive financial plan tailored to your goals, risk tolerance, and investment horizon. A professional can provide personalized advice and help optimize your investment strategy.
Emergency Fund: Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund set aside to cover unexpected expenses or financial setbacks. This can provide peace of mind and prevent the need to dip into your investment portfolio during times of need.
Tax Planning: Keep tax implications in mind, especially as your investment amount increases. Explore tax-efficient investment options and strategies to optimize your returns and minimize tax liabilities.
Stay Informed: Stay updated on market trends, economic developments, and changes in investment regulations. Continuous learning and staying informed can help you make informed investment decisions.
Ultimately, investing 2 lakh per month in mutual funds can be a wise decision if it aligns with your financial goals, risk tolerance, and investment strategy. Just ensure you have a well-thought-out plan in place and continue to monitor and adjust your investments as needed.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1374 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 04, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Dear Sir, I am a 31 year old married man.I am in a huge debt trap of multiple loans plus credit card mounting around 9 lakhs. I work in MNC company earning 70k per month. Please advise or suggest if I can come out of this.
Ans: I understand your concern about being in a debt trap, but there are steps you can take to address the situation and work towards financial stability:

Assess Your Debt: Start by listing out all your debts, including the outstanding amounts, interest rates, and minimum monthly payments. This will give you a clear picture of your financial situation.
Create a Budget: Develop a detailed budget that outlines your monthly income and expenses. Identify areas where you can cut back on spending to free up more money to put towards debt repayment.
Prioritize Debt Repayment: Focus on paying off high-interest debt first, such as credit card debt. Consider using the debt avalanche or debt snowball method to systematically tackle your debts.
Negotiate with Creditors: Reach out to your creditors to discuss repayment options. They may be willing to negotiate lower interest rates, waive fees, or offer a repayment plan that fits your budget.
Explore Debt Consolidation: Consolidating your debts into a single loan with a lower interest rate can make it easier to manage and potentially reduce your overall interest costs. However, be cautious and carefully evaluate the terms and fees associated with any consolidation offer.
Increase Your Income: Look for opportunities to increase your income, such as taking on a part-time job, freelancing, or seeking a higher-paying position within your company.
Seek Professional Help: If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure about how to proceed, consider seeking assistance from a financial counselor or debt relief agency. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.
Avoid Taking on New Debt: While you're working to pay off your existing debt, avoid taking on any new debt if possible. Stick to your budget and focus on living within your means.
It may take time and discipline, but with a solid plan and commitment to debt repayment, you can overcome your debt challenges and regain control of your finances. Remember to be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1374 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 04, 2024

Listen
Money
Hi, I am 27 years old and and employees earning around 28k. I would like to create a corpse of approx 1 cr. Also I want to 30 lakhs save my parents for retirement. What should I do please advice?
Ans: To achieve your financial goals of building a corpus of 1 crore for yourself and saving 30 lakhs for your parents' retirement, here's a suggested plan:

Start Early and Save Consistently: Given your age, starting early and saving consistently will work in your favor. Allocate a portion of your income towards savings and investments each month.
Emergency Fund: Begin by building an emergency fund equivalent to at least 3-6 months' worth of living expenses. This fund will provide financial security in case of unexpected expenses or loss of income.
Investment in Mutual Funds: Consider investing in mutual funds through SIPs (Systematic Investment Plans). Choose a mix of equity and debt mutual funds based on your risk tolerance, investment horizon, and financial goals.
Equity Mutual Funds for Long-Term Growth: Allocate a significant portion of your investment towards equity mutual funds, which have the potential to deliver higher returns over the long term. Since you have a long investment horizon, you can afford to take higher risks for potentially higher rewards.
Debt Mutual Funds for Stability: Allocate a portion of your investment towards debt mutual funds for stability and capital preservation. Debt funds can provide steady returns while minimizing the overall portfolio risk.
Retirement Planning for Parents: For your parents' retirement savings, consider investing in a mix of fixed income instruments such as Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS), Pradhan Mantri Vaya Vandana Yojana (PMVVY), and debt mutual funds. These options provide regular income with capital protection.
Regular Review and Adjustments: Regularly review your investment portfolio and make adjustments as needed based on changes in your financial situation, market conditions, and investment goals.
Consult with a Financial Advisor: It's advisable to consult with a certified financial planner or investment advisor who can assess your financial goals, risk tolerance, and investment options, and provide personalized recommendations tailored to your specific needs and circumstances.
By following these steps and investing wisely, you can work towards achieving your financial goals and securing a comfortable future for yourself and your parents.

...Read more

Archana

Archana Deshpande  |27 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on May 04, 2024

Listen
Career
Hello Archana, hope you’re doing well. My name is Sundeep Prakash with 10 years of experience into Software development in Bangalore, I would like to understand how could improve my visibility with my Org level. Any to-do list to follow. Kindly advise. Thanks
Ans: Hello Sundeep!
Yes I am doing well and hope the same for you!!

I would love to help you on this.
Here's the to do list for you to increase your visibility in your organisation-
1. always dress up for the next level. Always wear ironed clothes. A collared shirt, formal trousers, polished shoes. Your socks need to match your trousers. A neat formal belt. Belt and shoes to match . Look the part
2. hone your communication skills. Communicate in a concise and precise manner, with the right tonality. Be an assertive communicator
3. develop leadership qualities
4. build on the three C's - Confidence, Capability and Credibility
5. be an enthusiastic team player
6. develop public speaking skills, just look at all the leaders, they all speak so well, it is a learnable skill
7. grab the opportunities that come your way and prove that you are ready for the next level
8. don't participate in office gossip
9. help your juniors, every leader does this. The benefits of this are immense, you become better when you teach, you develop leadership skills, you create positivity in the office, you develop communication skills and you become popular
10. work hard, work smart

I don't want to overwhelm you with more, just do these 10 pointers and see the difference it'll make to your image in the office.

And above all believe in yourself, you have 10 yrs of experience and believe that you are ready to scale upwards now!

At the end of the day...be happy and spread happiness too!!

All the very best and more power to you!!

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

x