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Kanchan Rai |326 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by K on Jul 13, 2024Hindi

Hi, I'm a 33-year-old male, in a relationship for the last 4 years. I have an elder unmarried sister who is 39 years old, and an elder brother who is also unmarried but might get married next year. My concern is about my relationship. Initially, everything was fine, but after two years, things started to get messy. In 2022, during Diwali, my girlfriend visited my home. After that, she began to take issue with many small things related to my mother and sister and complained to me about them. Now, things are getting worse day by day. She constantly taunts me, saying, "As long as your sister is in that house, no one will want to marry their daughter into your family." My mother gave her a gold coin as a Diwali gift, which she has now returned to me, asking me to give it back to my mom with the message, "Find someone else for your son and see how many proposals you get." I always try to meet her demands, but she never seems to understand my perspective. Now, I feel angry and negative toward my family. I love her very much and can't leave her, but I know she doesn't understand my situation and always tries to prove she is right in every way. Please help me understand what I should do..???

Ans: Dear K,
It's clear you're in a difficult situation, feeling torn between your love for your girlfriend and your loyalty to your family. It's essential to acknowledge both your emotions and your needs, as well as those of your girlfriend and family.

First, have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend. Share how her comments and actions are affecting you and your relationship with your family. It's crucial that she understands your perspective and the importance of family in your life. Approach this conversation with empathy, making it clear that you value her feelings but also need her to respect your family's role.

Additionally, consider discussing boundaries and expectations. Every relationship requires compromise, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. If your girlfriend is unwilling to see things from your point of view or continues to create tension, it might be necessary to reassess the relationship's dynamics.

Seeking guidance from a relationship counselor could provide a neutral ground for both of you to express your concerns and work towards a solution. A professional can offer tools and strategies to navigate these challenges, ensuring that both your relationship and family bonds are respected.

Remember, a healthy relationship should uplift and support you, not create constant conflict and negativity. Balancing love and family can be challenging, but with clear communication and mutual respect, it is possible to find a path that honors both.

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Anu Krishna |1149 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

Question by C - Jul 22, 2022Hindi

I’m 39 male, married for last 10 years and have 2 kids. We were in a relationship and got married I love my wife and she also loves me a lot. We live in a joint family with my two elder sisters. One of my sisters got married in 2012 and got divorced. She lives with me and my other sister got married 4 years ago. She lives with her husband in the same house. We have a big bungalow. My 2nd sister’s husband’s house is very small and my sister doesn't want to live there that's why she lives in the same house with me. The problem is my wife doesn't want to live there with my sister. She always asks why your sister is not going to her husband’s house? Why is she living here? They don't like each other. They talk to each other for the sake of formality. I told my sister to go and live with her husband's house but she says 'I don't want to live there with their family; I will live here. This is my parents’ house.'Because of this I don't talk to her too much. My wife says I don't want to live here with them, let us stay in another house. But I cannot afford another home. I tell my wife that stay here because we cannot afford another home. This is our home. But she does not understand and we fight every week about this. I am stuck and cannot focus on my work because of this. Pls suggest what should I do?

Ans:

Dear C,

It’s a small crowd that you are all living in.

Too many people in one home can have its highs and lows. Privacy can be invaded and too many interferences from family members can cause a crack in the marriage.

Having said this, I do empathize with the fact that affordability of another home is an issue here.

So, have you tried getting back to the drawing board, bringing in all the members together and literally asking them to throw all that they have for and against one another.

If not, please initiate this. Simply explaining to your wife isn’t going to solve the problem.

If so many of you live under one roof, then it becomes everyone’s responsibility to pool in physically, financially and emotionally.

Your 2nd sister cannot cite reasons that she doesn’t want to live at her husband’s home. If she lives with you, how is she contributing to the home?

These are things that must be ironed out sooner than later. So, what are you waiting for?

Plunge in, bring everyone into the ring, talk, delegate responsibilities and ask them how they would like to contribute and share.

This will also allow your wife a feeling that you care, but that she needs to know your financial situation as well.

All the best!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1149 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 07, 2021

Question by DS - Jul 07, 2021Hindi

Ma'am, I am a 42 old male educationist by profession, a non-smoker and non-alcoholic. I got married late at 40 through a matrimonial site after almost one year of chatting with a girl from another district aged 33 who otherwise is sweet and is 2nd among four sisters. Before marriage they told me that after marriage she would get transferred from her government teaching job in her own locality to my home district. But after marriage she stays in her own house, comes once a week on Saturday and leaves by Monday morning. Worse, every day her sister calls up more than six times and spend 15 to 40 minutes over phone. I unconsciously feel cheated being as single as before. She has clearly told she won't leave her job nor can do anything about transfer. My parents' repeated requests to her father (an education officer) has fallen into deaf years. Now without physical and emotional intimacy I get provoked. Arguing for every word she says makes matters worse. Recently in anger I threw her phone away and now things are out of control. Her younger sister warning me has made things worse. Ma'am either I will commit suicide or go mad.

Ans: Dear DS, firstly, suicide is never an option.

So there is no necessity to think of it as challenges are a part of everyone’s lives and how we respond to these challenges define our entire lives.

Why does she choose to stay at her parents’ place?

I don’t see the reason in your write-up. Did the two of you have an argument?

Why is it that her parents don’t talk to her about settling down in a married life?

Sometimes, it need not be one reason but many to break down a marriage.

It mostly starts with assumptions, and we start to believe that this is true.

Her sister calling her 6 times in a day is just something that you choose to be irritated with which maybe in a happy marriage you might have made fun of.

Right now, every single thing associated with her, is what you choose to think of as a reason for the way the marriage is.

It takes two to make a marriage. I would like you to ask yourself: Have I in anyway contributed even a little to create this situation?

What this does is, helps you focus on what you can also change and that may help her understand you better and possibly make room for a discussion between the two of you.

Also, at 33, she possibly has been leading a very independent life and suddenly expecting her to change and settle into a marriage might take a while.

Be loving and caring without expecting and things can start to change.

But I know that she refuses to stay with you but when she does over the weekend, instead of arguing, simply unconditionally love her without asking for anything in return.

Love breaks down a lot of anger, resentment, and any assumptions that she maybe carrying.

Maybe talking to her sister gives her some sense of comfort and by pointing that out, might anger your wife and her sister which is what has happened.

Try something else; simply love as hard as this maybe.

You have married at an age where both of you have led a fairly independent life and to bring both your lives together, some amount of work has to go in.

If this fails, ask an older member of your family to step in and talk to her parents. Seek help when you think this is required.

Create a happy life.

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1149 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 09, 2023