Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Arjun Question by Arjun on Jun 24, 2024Hindi
Money

Hlo I am 33 and married and I have a kid 2 yrs of age.Rs 40000 salary and I wish to retire in 50 advice me where I invest.

Ans: You are 33 years old with a monthly salary of Rs. 40,000. You are married and have a 2-year-old child. You want to retire at 50, which means you have 17 years to build a solid retirement corpus.

Analyzing Current Financial Situation
Let's start by analyzing your current financial situation.

Income and Expenses

Monthly Salary: Rs. 40,000
Monthly Expenses: To be determined (Let's assume it's Rs. 30,000 for now)
Assuming your monthly expenses are Rs. 30,000, you have a monthly surplus of Rs. 10,000 which can be directed towards investments.

Setting Financial Goals
Retirement Corpus

Goal: Build a retirement corpus to sustain your lifestyle post-retirement.
Child's Education and Marriage

Goal: Accumulate enough funds for your child's education and marriage.
Emergency Fund

Goal: Maintain an emergency fund to cover 6-12 months of expenses.
Building Your Investment Portfolio
1. Emergency Fund
First, you need to build an emergency fund. An emergency fund should cover at least 6-12 months of your expenses.

Monthly Expenses: Rs. 30,000
Emergency Fund Required: Rs. 1,80,000 - Rs. 3,60,000
Start by setting aside a portion of your monthly surplus until you have built a sufficient emergency fund.

2. Retirement Planning
To achieve your retirement goal, you need to start investing systematically. Here’s a breakdown of how you can allocate your investments:

A. Mutual Funds

Mutual funds are a great way to build wealth over the long term. Here are some categories to consider:

Equity Mutual Funds: These funds invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They are suitable for long-term goals like retirement.
Debt Mutual Funds: These funds invest in fixed income securities and provide stable returns. They are suitable for short to medium-term goals.
B. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)

A SIP is a disciplined way of investing in mutual funds. It allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly, thereby averaging the cost of investment and reducing risk.

Equity SIP: Start a SIP in equity mutual funds for your long-term goals. Considering your age and risk appetite, you can allocate a higher percentage to equity funds.
Debt SIP: Start a SIP in debt mutual funds for your short to medium-term goals.
C. Public Provident Fund (PPF)

PPF is a government-backed savings scheme that offers tax benefits and attractive returns. It has a lock-in period of 15 years, making it suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Open a PPF account and invest regularly. You can invest up to Rs. 1.5 lakhs per year in PPF.
3. Child's Education and Marriage
A. Child Education Fund

Start a dedicated fund for your child's education. Given the time horizon, equity mutual funds can be a good option.

Open a SIP in an equity mutual fund dedicated to your child's education.
B. Child Marriage Fund

Similarly, start a fund for your child's marriage. You can use a mix of equity and debt mutual funds.

Open a SIP in a hybrid mutual fund for your child's marriage.
Diversifying Your Investments
Diversification is key to managing risk and ensuring steady returns. Here’s how you can diversify your investments:

Equity Mutual Funds: High growth potential but higher risk. Suitable for long-term goals.
Debt Mutual Funds: Stable returns with lower risk. Suitable for short to medium-term goals.
PPF: Government-backed with tax benefits. Suitable for long-term goals.
Gold: Acts as a hedge against inflation. Allocate a small portion of your portfolio to gold.
Risk Management
A. Insurance

Ensure you have adequate insurance coverage to protect your family’s financial future.

Term Insurance: Provides financial security to your family in case of your untimely demise.
Health Insurance: Covers medical expenses and protects your savings.
B. Emergency Fund

Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This provides financial stability and peace of mind.

Tax Planning
Maximize tax-saving investments to reduce your tax liability and boost your savings.

Section 80C: Invest in PPF, ELSS, and other tax-saving instruments to avail tax benefits under Section 80C.
Section 80D: Avail tax benefits on health insurance premiums under Section 80D.
Regular Review and Adjustment
Financial planning is an ongoing process. Regularly review and adjust your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Annual Review: Review your financial plan at least once a year.
Adjust Investments: Adjust your investments based on changes in your financial goals, market conditions, and risk tolerance.
Final Insights
Achieving your retirement goal at 50 requires disciplined saving and investing. Here are some final insights to help you stay on track:

Start Early: The earlier you start investing, the more time your money has to grow.
Be Disciplined: Stick to your investment plan and avoid unnecessary expenditures.
Diversify: Diversify your investments to manage risk and ensure steady returns.
Seek Professional Advice: Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized financial advice.
By following this comprehensive financial plan, you can achieve economic independence and ensure a comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 25, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Sir, I am 40 years old and working in IT company. My intake monthly salary is 1.10 lakh. I have 6L in PF, 2L in PPF, 4L in stocks, 3.5L in emergency fund inFD and 2.5L in cash. And I have 3L in MF with month sip in 4-4K in HDFC nifty 50 Index fund and HDFC multicap fund and 10k monthly in LIC. I have only 1 child 10 years old and I want to retire with 3-4 crore for my future expenses and for my child education and other things. I can now invest 60k monthly so plz guide me how can I achieve.
Ans: Your goal of accumulating Rs 3-4 crore for future expenses and your child’s education is both achievable and admirable. Given your current savings and investment profile, let’s explore how you can strategically allocate your resources to reach your financial targets.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
You have a well-diversified portfolio, which includes provident fund (PF), public provident fund (PPF), stocks, emergency funds in fixed deposits (FD), mutual funds (MF), and life insurance (LIC). Your monthly salary is Rs 1.10 lakh, and you are able to invest Rs 60,000 monthly. Here’s a summary of your current assets:

Provident Fund (PF): Rs 6 lakh
Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs 2 lakh
Stocks: Rs 4 lakh
Emergency Fund in FD: Rs 3.5 lakh
Cash: Rs 2.5 lakh
Mutual Funds: Rs 3 lakh (with SIPs of Rs 4,000 each in HDFC Nifty 50 Index Fund and HDFC Multicap Fund)
LIC: Rs 10,000 monthly
Evaluating Your Investment Options
Mutual Funds: Actively Managed Funds
You already have investments in index funds and multicap funds. However, actively managed funds could offer better returns due to professional management and active stock selection.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds:

Professional Management: Experts manage your investments, making strategic decisions to maximize returns.

Potential for Higher Returns: Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market.

Flexibility: Fund managers can quickly adapt to market changes.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Market-Linked Returns: Index funds merely replicate the market, lacking potential for higher returns.

No Active Management: Index funds don’t benefit from professional stock selection.

Given these points, consider allocating more to actively managed funds for potentially higher growth.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
SIP is a disciplined approach to investing. It helps in averaging out the cost of investment and reduces the impact of market volatility.

Advantages of SIP:

Rupee Cost Averaging: Reduces the impact of market volatility by averaging out the purchase cost.

Discipline: Ensures regular investment without worrying about market timing.

Compounding: Long-term SIPs benefit from the power of compounding.

You are already investing through SIPs, which is excellent. Increasing your SIP amounts can further accelerate your wealth creation.

Fixed Deposits (FD) for Emergency Fund
Your emergency fund in FD is well-placed for safety and liquidity.

Advantages of FD:

Safety: FDs are considered very safe.

Guaranteed Returns: FDs offer fixed and guaranteed interest rates.

Disadvantages of FD:

Lower Returns: FD returns are generally lower compared to mutual funds.

Inflation Risk: Returns may not keep up with inflation.

Ensure your emergency fund remains adequate but consider other investment avenues for higher returns on excess funds.

Stocks
Your investment in stocks shows a higher risk tolerance, which is beneficial for growth.

Advantages of Stocks:

High Returns: Stocks have the potential for high returns over the long term.

Ownership: Provides ownership in companies and benefits from their growth.

Disadvantages of Stocks:

Volatility: Stocks can be highly volatile and risky.

Time-Consuming: Requires constant monitoring and market knowledge.

Continue investing in stocks but balance this with safer options for risk management.

Strategic Allocation to Achieve Your Goal
To accumulate Rs 3-4 crore, you need a balanced approach that maximizes growth while managing risks.

Step 1: Increase SIP in Actively Managed Mutual Funds
Shift Focus: Allocate more funds to actively managed equity mutual funds instead of index funds.

Diversify: Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds for diversification.

Step 2: Maintain Adequate Emergency Fund
FD for Safety: Keep 6-12 months’ expenses in FD for emergency needs.

Liquid Funds: Consider liquid mutual funds for better returns with liquidity.

Step 3: Continue Investing in Stocks
Balanced Portfolio: Maintain a balanced portfolio of blue-chip and growth stocks.

Regular Review: Periodically review and rebalance your stock portfolio.

Step 4: Utilize PPF and PF Wisely
PPF Contributions: Continue contributing to PPF for tax benefits and safe returns.

PF Growth: Let your PF grow, benefiting from compounded returns.

Step 5: LIC and Insurance Planning
Review Policies: Ensure your LIC policy aligns with your financial goals.

Adequate Coverage: Ensure you have adequate life insurance coverage for your family’s security.
Insurance-cum-investment schemes
Insurance-cum-investment schemes (ULIPs, endowment plans) offer a one-stop solution for insurance and investment needs. However, they might not be the best choice for pure investment due to:
• Lower Potential Returns: Guaranteed returns are usually lower than what MFs can offer through market exposure.
• Higher Costs: Multiple fees in insurance plans (allocation charges, admin fees) can reduce returns compared to the expense ratio of MFs.
• Limited Flexibility: Lock-in periods restrict access to your money, whereas MFs provide more flexibility.
MFs, on the other hand, focus solely on investment and offer:
• Potentially Higher Returns: Investments in stocks and bonds can lead to higher growth compared to guaranteed returns.
• Lower Costs: Expense ratios in MFs are generally lower than the multiple fees in insurance plans.
• Greater Control: You have a wider range of investment options and control over asset allocation to suit your risk appetite.
Consider your goals!
• Need life insurance? Term Insurance plans might be suitable.
• Focus on growing wealth? MFs might be a better option due to their flexibility and return potential.

Planning for Child’s Education and Retirement
Your child’s education and your retirement are your primary goals. Here’s a strategy to address both.

Child’s Education
Education Fund: Start a dedicated fund for your child’s education with equity mutual funds for growth.

Systematic Transfers: As your child approaches college age, systematically transfer funds to safer investments.

Retirement Planning
Retirement Corpus: Focus on building a retirement corpus through a mix of equity and debt mutual funds.

Regular Review: Review your retirement plan annually and adjust contributions as needed.

Estimating Future Value
While specific calculations are beyond this scope, a financial calculator or a Certified Financial Planner can help estimate the future value of your investments. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your strategy is essential to stay on track.

Final Thoughts and Recommendations
Your current financial discipline is commendable. To achieve your goal of Rs 3-4 crore, continue your SIPs, focus on actively managed funds, and maintain a diversified portfolio. Balance risk and safety through strategic asset allocation.

Thank you for seeking my guidance. Your proactive approach to securing your financial future and your child’s education is admirable. Feel free to reach out for further personalized advice.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

Listen
Money
Hi sir Right now I am 22 my current salary is 22k and i want to retire at the age of 50 suggest some best MF to invest
Ans: Planning for retirement at the age of 50 is a commendable goal. Given your current salary of Rs. 22,000 per month, it's important to start early and choose the right investment strategy. Here's a detailed guide to help you.

Setting Up Your Investment Plan
Assessing Your Financial Goals
Retirement Corpus: Calculate the amount you need by 50. Factor in inflation and your lifestyle needs.

Savings Rate: Aim to save a significant portion of your salary. Start with at least 20% and increase it over time.

Creating a Monthly Budget
Track Expenses: Monitor your monthly expenses. Identify areas where you can save more.

Emergency Fund: Build an emergency fund. This should cover at least 6 months of your expenses.

Choosing the Right Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds
Large-Cap Funds: These invest in large, stable companies. They provide steady growth with moderate risk.

Mid-Cap Funds: These invest in medium-sized companies. They offer higher growth potential but with more risk.

Small-Cap Funds: These invest in smaller companies. They have the highest growth potential but come with high risk.

Hybrid Mutual Funds
Aggressive Hybrid Funds: These have a mix of equity and debt. They balance risk and return, suitable for long-term goals.

Conservative Hybrid Funds: These have more debt than equity. They are less risky and suitable for conservative investors.

Debt Mutual Funds
Short-Term Debt Funds: These are less volatile and provide stable returns. Suitable for conservative investors.

Corporate Bond Funds: These invest in high-rated corporate bonds. They offer better returns compared to government bonds.

Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Lack of Professional Guidance: Direct funds do not offer advisory services. This can lead to suboptimal investment decisions.

Time-Consuming: Managing direct investments requires significant time and effort.

Advantages of Regular Funds
Expert Advice: Investing through a Certified Financial Planner provides professional advice. They help in selecting and managing your investments.

Ongoing Support: Regular funds come with continuous support. This includes portfolio reviews and rebalancing.

Investment Strategy
Start with SIPs
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Invest a fixed amount monthly in chosen mutual funds. This helps in averaging out the cost and reducing risk.
Increase Investment Over Time
Step-Up SIPs: Increase your SIP amount annually. This ensures your investment grows with your salary.
Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regular Reviews
Quarterly Reviews: Review your portfolio every quarter. This helps in keeping track of performance and making necessary adjustments.

Rebalancing: Adjust your portfolio based on market conditions and your changing risk profile.

Final Insights
Starting early is key to building a substantial retirement corpus. Investing in a mix of equity, hybrid, and debt funds can help you achieve your goal. Ensure you seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner for professional guidance.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Money
Hlo I am 33 and married and I kid 2 yrs of age. Rs 40000 salary and I wish to retire in 50 advice me where I invest
Ans: ! I understand your situation and the goal to retire by 50. Kudos on starting your retirement planning early. Let's break this down step-by-step to ensure you have a clear path to achieve your retirement goals. Here’s a comprehensive guide to help you plan your investments wisely.

Current Financial Snapshot and Goals
Firstly, you have a salary of Rs. 40,000 per month. You are married and have a 2-year-old kid. Your goal is to retire at 50.

Creating a Solid Financial Foundation
Emergency Fund: Start by building an emergency fund. Aim for at least 6 months' worth of expenses. This fund should be easily accessible in case of unexpected expenses.

Health Insurance: Ensure you and your family have adequate health insurance. Medical emergencies can drain your savings, so having health coverage is essential.

Life Insurance: Protect your family with a term insurance policy. It's affordable and provides a financial safety net for your family.

Investment Strategy for Retirement
Mutual Funds: Investing in mutual funds is a great way to grow your wealth. They offer diversification and professional management.

Equity Mutual Funds: These are suitable for long-term goals like retirement. They have the potential for higher returns but come with higher risk. Given your retirement goal is 17 years away, equity mutual funds are a good fit.

Debt Mutual Funds: These are less volatile than equity funds and provide steady returns. They can be used for short-term goals and to balance your portfolio.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Professional Management: Fund managers with expertise manage your investments.

Diversification: Your money is spread across various assets, reducing risk.

Liquidity: You can easily buy or sell mutual fund units.

Compounding: Reinvesting earnings can significantly grow your wealth over time.

Risk and Compounding in Mutual Funds
Mutual funds carry risks, especially equity funds, due to market volatility. However, staying invested for the long term can mitigate these risks. The power of compounding works best when investments are held for extended periods, allowing your returns to generate further returns.

Power of SIPs
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Investing through SIPs is a disciplined way to invest in mutual funds. It allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly, averaging out the purchase cost and reducing the impact of market volatility.

Benefits of SIPs:

Rupee Cost Averaging: This helps in averaging the purchase cost, buying more units when prices are low and fewer when prices are high.

Compounding: Regular investments over time help in compounding your returns, leading to substantial wealth creation.

Asset Allocation
Equity and Debt Allocation: A balanced portfolio with both equity and debt mutual funds is ideal. As you get closer to retirement, gradually increase the debt component to reduce risk.

Asset Rebalancing: Periodically review and rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
While specific calculations are not included, it's crucial to estimate your retirement corpus. Consider your current expenses, inflation, and life expectancy. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can assist in creating a detailed retirement plan tailored to your needs.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Direct vs Regular Funds: Investing in direct funds may seem cost-effective but requires active management and financial knowledge. Regular funds through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials offer professional guidance and management, which can be beneficial for achieving your goals.

Index Funds: While they offer lower expense ratios, they simply replicate the market index. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, aim to outperform the index through active management, potentially providing higher returns.

Setting Realistic Expectations
Market Volatility: Understand that markets fluctuate. Stay focused on your long-term goals and avoid reacting to short-term market movements.

Patience and Discipline: Investing is a marathon, not a sprint. Consistency, patience, and discipline are key to successful investing.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Portfolio Review: Regularly review your portfolio's performance. Ensure it aligns with your goals and make adjustments if needed.

Stay Informed: Keep yourself updated on financial news and trends. This helps in making informed decisions.

Educating Yourself
Financial Literacy: Improving your financial literacy can empower you to make better investment decisions. There are many resources available online to help you learn more about investing.

Setting Up a Retirement Plan
Retirement Goals: Define your retirement goals clearly. How much monthly income will you need post-retirement? What lifestyle do you envision?

Investing Accordingly: Based on your goals, allocate your investments. A combination of equity and debt mutual funds, along with other instruments like PPF, can help achieve a balanced and secure retirement plan.

Role of a Certified Financial Planner
Professional Guidance: A CFP can provide personalized advice based on your financial situation and goals. They can help you create a detailed retirement plan, optimize your investments, and ensure you're on track to meet your objectives.

Regular Check-ins: Regular consultations with a CFP can help you stay on course. They can assist in rebalancing your portfolio and adapting to any changes in your financial situation or goals.

Final Insights
Retiring at 50 is an ambitious goal, but with disciplined saving and investing, it's achievable. Start by building a solid financial foundation, then focus on growing your wealth through mutual funds. Regularly review and adjust your investments to stay aligned with your goals. Consider seeking the guidance of a Certified Financial Planner to create a tailored retirement plan. Stay patient, disciplined, and focused on your long-term objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 03, 2024

Listen
Money
My monthly income is 1.5 lakh I have no debt I have 3 kids I want to invest 50k every month where should I invest
Ans: Great job on having no debt and wanting to invest! Let's plan your Rs. 50,000 monthly investment.
Your Financial Picture

Monthly income: Rs. 1.5 lakh
Debt-free status: Excellent financial health
Three kids: Important to plan for their future
Investment capacity: Rs. 50,000 per month

Investment Goals

Short-term goals: Emergency fund, kids' education
Long-term goals: Retirement planning, wealth building
Balance between safety and growth is key

Mutual Funds: A Smart Choice

Offer professional money management
Allow diversification across many stocks
Provide options for different risk levels

Types of Mutual Funds

Equity funds: Higher risk, potential for higher returns
Debt funds: Lower risk, stable returns
Hybrid funds: Mix of equity and debt

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds

Fund managers use their expertise to pick stocks
Can adjust to market changes quickly
May outperform the market in certain conditions

Regular vs Direct Funds

Regular funds offer guidance from financial experts
Help in choosing the right funds for your goals
Provide ongoing support and portfolio reviews

Suggested Investment Mix

60-70% in equity funds for long-term growth
20-30% in hybrid funds for balanced returns
10-20% in debt funds for stability

Additional Financial Steps

Create an emergency fund with 6 months of expenses
Get term insurance to protect your family
Start separate education funds for each child

Tax-Saving Options

Explore tax-saving mutual funds (ELSS)
They offer tax benefits under Section 80C
Have a lock-in period of just 3 years

Review and Rebalance

Check your investments every 6 months
Adjust the mix if your goals change
Stay invested for the long term

Finally
Your debt-free status is great. Investing Rs. 50,000 monthly can build significant wealth. Talk to a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice.
Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2121 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Harsh

Harsh Bharwani  |63 Answers  |Ask -

Entrepreneurship Expert - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Listen
Career
Sir/madam My son is an MBA and wants to establish a cafe. Kindly guide. Regards
Ans: It's great to hear that your son is planning to open a cafe. With his MBA knowledge and entrepreneurial spirit, he has a strong foundation to build a successful venture. Here are some steps to guide him.

First,
He must decide on a unique concept for the cafe that will set it apart from others. Whether it is a cozy space for book lovers, a health-focused menu, or a modern cafe with a tech-friendly vibe, having a clear vision will attract the right customers. Additionally, researching the market to understand customer preferences, competition, and pricing trends is important to create a viable business plan.

Encourage him to prepare a detailed business plan that includes his vision, projected budget, marketing strategy, and operational plans. Choosing the right location with good visibility and foot traffic will be crucial to the cafe's success. He will also need to obtain the necessary licenses and permits, such as food safety approval and business registration, to operate legally.

Next,
Focus should be on creating a strong brand identity with a memorable name, logo, and interior design. Offering high-quality ingredients and a menu with a mix of unique and popular items will help build a loyal customer base. Excellent customer service and a welcoming atmosphere will further enhance the visitor experience.

And the last,
He should leverage MBA skills to manage finances effectively and use digital marketing and social media to promote the cafe. With proper planning and dedication, cafe can become a thriving business.

Wishing her all the best in this exciting journey!

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1402 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
We had been Dating since our College days & had a Love Marriage almost 2 Decades ago. My Wife had always been the Dominant one in the Relationship, while I had always been Soft-spoken. She is also much more Capable than me, in terms of Academic as well as Professional Competence, and also very Ambitious. These are some of the Qualities which I always admired in her. Over the years of our Marriage, I had to Compromise on my own Professional Growth, in order to support her Professional Growth. She has a Transferable Job, so I have taken up a Work-from-Home Job which pays much lesser, but allows more flexibility in timings, just to support her Professional Growth, I had given up much better opportunities. I have been literally living like a Stay-at-Home Husband, doing almost all the Household chores & also taking care of both our Children. I have no complaints about any of this, I am doing all this, just because I Love my Wife. My Wife too Loves me a lot, but doesn't seem to Respect me. She feels ashamed to introduce me to her Colleagues in her Office Parties. She often puts me down, in the presence of her Friends & Relatives. She asks others (her Friends, Colleagues & Relatives) for advice, even in matters relating to our Personal Life & gives more importance to their Opinions, compared to mine & has taken several big Decisions, without my Consent/Agreement. She doesn't bother telling me anything about her whereabouts & her Finances. While at Home, she Orders me around like a Boss & talks to me in a Condescending manner. Seeing her attitude, even our Servant Maid, Driver, Watchman & our Teenaged Children also don't treat me with due Respect. Our Neighbours, laugh at me behind my back. I have been Tolerating all this since many Years only because I Love my Wife so much. Many times, I tried to convey my concerns to her but she used to invalidate my feelings, labelling them as my 'Insecurity' or 'Male Ego' even though I never had either of those. She seems to have more time for her Partying with her Colleagues & Friends, rather than having a Productive Discussion with me about my Feelings. Now I am feeling Saturated. I need to do something to Earn Respect from my Wife, Children & the Society as I have realised that my Wife is not up for anything like Couples Counseling & I wouldn't be able to discuss my Feelings with anyone else (almost everyone I know, Respects her more than me). Please give me some Suggestions as to what can I do to become more Respectable in the Eyes of my Wife, Children & our Social Circle?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's heart warming to know that you eased into a role that usually can be not a very 'manly' thing to do. But I guess somewhere your wife has begun to enjoy her dominant status; let me tell you...that part is not easy on a man...
You just adapted to it and slowly, it has begun to erode your self-esteem...
Assume the role that will bring back your self-worth; this will mean actually a career, bringing money home, taking care of your responsibilities as a husband and father. This will also mean a step back from what you are doing at home now...
Your wife may not want the extra chores that you had to drop off and there's bound to be some skirmishes; but better to take all this head on rather than skirt around the issue.
Slowly and steadily inch towards a space where the two of you are equal partners without anyone dominating the other.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1402 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Recently, we had an Arranged Marriage. Before committing for the Marriage, we had a few Months of Courtship Period & got to understand each other well. He seemed to be a very Loving & Caring Person. Once, He asked me whether I was Virgin, I lied saying that I was, because I didn't want to lose such a Wonderful Guy. On our Wedding Night, he got Suspicious as I didn't bleed. Upon further Interrogation, I broke down & confessed the Truth that I had been Sexually Active in my previous Relationships, before getting Married to him. He got Disappointed as he felt Cheated & Betrayed. Since then, he's been sleeping in a seperate Room & not even talking to me properly, there's no Romance between us, at all. He'd also cancelled our Honeymoon Trip to Bali. He comes Home late, often having eaten out, doesn't ask me anything about my Day or even Care about me at all. He's become quite opposite of what he was, during our Courtship Period. Many times, I've tried to break the Ice & build some Chemistry between us, but he told me that he lost all Feelings for me, and he wouldn't even Care if I left him & his House for Good. He was Ready to give me a Divorce, if I wanted to Leave him. But I don't want to throw away this Marriage, I want to try & make it work, but there's no Cooperation at all from his side. He blatantly refused to go for Marriage Counseling with me. In the presence of other Family Members, he tries to act like a normal Husband, just to maintain his image in the Society. But when we both are alone at Home, he acts as if I don't even exist. Now I am getting frustrated, I don't understand what to do? I don't regret all that I did in my Past, I had the Right to Enjoy my Life, when I was Young & Unmarried & I don't owe any Explanation to anyone, about my Past. Now I feel I am being treated too Coldly just for a little White Lie. Did I really do something so Wrong that I don't even deserve to be Loved by the Person, I Married? If it leads to a Divorce, we both have got a lot to lose out on, hence I am trying to avoid the extreme Decision. But I don't have any idea as to how our Marriage can be Repaired & Rejuvenated, when my Husband is not at all interested in the Marriage? Please advise me what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you understand him, your virginity meant a lot to him...that was one of his core beliefs that one preserves their virginity until marriage. Now, he feels cheated as what he believes in has gone against him. It seems very old-fashioned to want the bride to 'bleed' on the first night and conclude that she isn't pure...I get your point, but that are his values...
Can he change and actually look at things differently and save the marriage? YES only if he wants to...he has to commit to it...

For you, the fear of losing him made you hide the fact. Who's right and who isn't? Neither! It's all a matter of the way you look at it; each one will hold their impressions as the truth. So, he's holding onto what he feels is his truth and unwilling to budge and make the marriage work. What can you do? Perhaps apologize for hurting him; he is hurt and angry, isn't it?

It may seem trivial and foolish to you that he gives this so much importance in this day and age. You can't shake people off their beliefs. Anything that you hide eventually comes to bite you; so act wisely...
- talk to him about how you feel about him and the marriage
- tell him what he means to you and why you hid the facts that was most important to him
- lastly apologize to him from your heart

All this may seem 'going over the top' BUT hey, you wish to make the marriage work, right? At times, going that extreme bit can bring back things...So, if there's a 'Feminist' side of you that seems to disagree, keep that at bay for a while and ask: Do I want the marriage?
If YES, then do what it takes...

All the best!
Dear Likitha,
Please download the whatsapp chats and try and get the recording of the phone calls. When your husband denies and says she is just a friend, these things that you collect will be the only proof to actually prove what you are saying. I know this is hard to do but what other way do you have? He does not want to admit what he is doing...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x