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24-Year-Old with Rs.21 Lakh in Mutual Funds: How to Achieve Early Retirement?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 22, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 18, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sir. Currently I'm investing 61000 per month in Mutual Funds and have a corpus of 21 lakhs in MF, 4 lakhs in Stocks. I'm 24 years old right now. What should be an ideal retirement plan for me if I wish to retire before 35?

Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Position

You are 24 years old with an existing corpus of Rs 21 lakhs in mutual funds and Rs 4 lakhs in stocks. You invest Rs 61,000 per month in mutual funds. Your goal is to retire by the age of 35. Let's evaluate your current strategy and outline an ideal plan for early retirement.

Evaluating Current Investments

Mutual Funds: Your monthly investment in mutual funds is substantial. Continue investing in actively managed funds with a focus on growth. They provide potential for high returns but come with some volatility.

Stocks: Your Rs 4 lakhs in stocks is a good start. Ensure a diversified portfolio to mitigate risk and enhance returns. Regularly review and adjust based on market conditions and performance.

Defining Your Retirement Corpus

To retire before 35, you need a significant corpus. Estimate your annual expenses and calculate how much you need to accumulate. Factor in inflation and possible changes in your lifestyle.

Investment Strategy for Early Retirement

Increase Monthly Investments:

Higher Contributions: Aim to increase your monthly investments as your income grows. This will help in accumulating a larger corpus.

SIP Increments: Increase SIP amounts periodically, especially during market corrections to buy at lower prices.

Diversification:

Equity Mutual Funds: Focus on growth-oriented equity mutual funds. These have the potential for high returns over the long term.

Debt Funds: Allocate a portion to debt funds for stability and lower risk. They offer consistent returns and can balance portfolio volatility.

International Funds: Consider diversifying globally. International funds can offer exposure to different markets and enhance growth potential.

Stock Market Investments:

Diversification: Ensure your stock investments are diversified across sectors and industries. This reduces risk and increases potential returns.

Regular Monitoring: Regularly review and rebalance your stock portfolio. Stay updated with market trends and adjust your holdings accordingly.

Emergency Fund:

Liquidity: Maintain an emergency fund with 6-12 months’ worth of expenses. This provides financial security and liquidity in case of unforeseen events.

Investment: Keep the emergency fund in a liquid and low-risk investment, such as a high-interest savings account or short-term debt fund.

Tax Planning:

Tax Efficiency: Invest in tax-efficient instruments to minimize tax liability. Long-term capital gains from equity mutual funds and stocks are taxed at a lower rate.

Tax-saving Instruments: Utilize tax-saving options like Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) to take advantage of deductions under Section 80C.

Retirement Corpus Accumulation:

Projected Growth: With your current investments, aim to accumulate a corpus that aligns with your retirement goals. Regularly track and adjust your strategy as needed.

Future Adjustments: As you approach retirement, shift towards safer investments to preserve capital. This helps in safeguarding your corpus from market volatility.

Alternative Investment Avenues

Gold: Consider investing in gold as a hedge against inflation. Gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds offer good exposure.

Mutual Fund Types: Explore other types of mutual funds, such as balanced funds or hybrid funds, for diversification and risk management.

Regular Review and Adjustment

Periodic Review: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your retirement goals. Adjust your strategy based on market performance and financial needs.

Consultation: Consult with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized advice. They can help you optimize your investments and develop a tailored retirement plan.

Final Insights

You have a solid foundation with your current investments. To retire before 35, increase your monthly contributions, diversify your portfolio, and maintain an emergency fund. Regularly review and adjust your investments to stay on track with your retirement goals. Consult a Certified Financial Planner for detailed planning and personalized advice.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi, I am 34 years old married and have one kid 1 year of age. I have invested about 1.8 lakhs in mutual funds which currently stands at 2.05 lakhs. I have a PPF savings of 10 lakhs and invest full amount of 1.5 lakhs per year. I have invested 2 lakhs in equities. I have FDs worth 30 lakhs and my salary is 1.10 lakhs. I wish to retire by 40 years of age. Kindly me suggest me.
Ans: Firstly, congratulations on having a disciplined approach to your finances. At 34, you are already investing in various avenues, which is commendable. You have a diversified portfolio comprising mutual funds, PPF, equities, and fixed deposits. Let's evaluate your current financial standing and plan for an early retirement by the age of 40.

Mutual Funds Investment
Your mutual funds have grown from Rs 1.8 lakhs to Rs 2.05 lakhs. This indicates a healthy appreciation.

However, to retire early, you need to increase your investment in mutual funds.

Actively managed mutual funds could be a better choice compared to index funds. Actively managed funds often outperform the market due to professional fund management. They can adapt to market changes quickly and optimize your returns.

Consider investing through a certified financial planner who can guide you on the best mutual funds. They can provide personalized advice and help you achieve your retirement goals.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your PPF savings stand at Rs 10 lakhs, and you are investing the full amount of Rs 1.5 lakhs per year.

PPF is a great investment for tax-saving and securing your future. It offers a stable and assured return, which is crucial for your retirement plan.

Continue with your current PPF contributions. This will create a significant corpus by the time you retire. Given the tax benefits and guaranteed returns, PPF is a robust component of your retirement plan.

Equities Investment
Your investment in equities is Rs 2 lakhs. Equities can provide high returns, but they come with higher risks.

For early retirement, you need a balanced approach in your equity investments. Diversify your equity portfolio to mitigate risks. Invest in blue-chip stocks and sectors with strong growth potential.

Regularly review and adjust your equity portfolio with the help of a certified financial planner. This ensures that you are on track with your financial goals and minimizes potential risks.

Fixed Deposits (FDs)
You have FDs worth Rs 30 lakhs, which is substantial. FDs are safe investments but offer lower returns compared to mutual funds and equities.

Since you wish to retire early, it's essential to balance safety and growth. While FDs provide safety, they might not generate the necessary returns for early retirement.

Consider reallocating a portion of your FDs into higher-yield investments like mutual funds and equities. This can enhance your overall returns while maintaining some level of safety in your investments.

Monthly Salary
Your monthly salary is Rs 1.10 lakhs. It is crucial to allocate a portion of your salary towards investments.

Follow the 50-30-20 rule:

50% for necessities
30% for discretionary spending
20% for investments
This ensures a disciplined approach to saving and investing, helping you build a retirement corpus.

Setting a Retirement Corpus
To retire by 40, estimate your retirement corpus based on current expenses, inflation, and lifestyle aspirations. This will give you a clear target to aim for.

Consult a certified financial planner to help you set realistic financial goals and create a roadmap to achieve them. They can provide insights into how much you need to save and where to invest.

Increasing Investments
To achieve early retirement, increase your investments gradually. Allocate more towards high-growth avenues like mutual funds and equities.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) are a great way to invest in mutual funds. They provide the benefit of rupee cost averaging and disciplined investing.

Evaluate and adjust your investments regularly to stay aligned with your goals.

Risk Management
Early retirement requires careful risk management. While investing in high-return avenues, ensure you have adequate insurance coverage.

Life insurance, health insurance, and critical illness cover are essential. They protect your financial plan against unforeseen events.

Review your insurance policies regularly and make adjustments as needed.

Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is crucial for financial security. Aim to have 6-12 months' worth of expenses in a liquid fund.

This provides a safety net for any unexpected expenses and ensures you don’t need to dip into your retirement savings.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning can boost your savings. Utilize tax-saving instruments like PPF, EPF, and ELSS.

Maximize your tax deductions under Section 80C, 80D, and other relevant sections. This increases your investable surplus and helps in faster wealth accumulation.

Lifestyle and Spending Habits
Retiring early requires a frugal lifestyle and disciplined spending habits.

Evaluate your discretionary expenses and identify areas where you can save more. Redirect these savings into your investment portfolio.

Small changes in spending habits can have a significant impact on your savings and investments over time.

Regular Financial Review
Regularly review your financial plan and investment portfolio.

Market conditions and personal circumstances change over time. A certified financial planner can help you navigate these changes and keep your plan on track.

Periodic reviews ensure that you are progressing towards your retirement goal and allow for timely adjustments.

Benefits of Professional Guidance
Working with a certified financial planner offers several advantages. They provide personalized advice, keeping your goals and risk tolerance in mind.

They help you create a diversified investment portfolio, optimize tax savings, and manage risks effectively. Their expertise can significantly enhance your chances of achieving early retirement.

Final Insights
Your goal of retiring by 40 is ambitious but achievable with a strategic approach.

Focus on increasing your investments in high-growth avenues like mutual funds and equities. Maintain a balance between safety and growth by reallocating your FDs.

Continue your disciplined approach towards PPF and ensure you have adequate insurance coverage. Build a robust emergency fund and practice efficient tax planning.

Adopt a frugal lifestyle and disciplined spending habits to maximize your savings. Regularly review your financial plan with the help of a certified financial planner.

Your dedication and disciplined approach are commendable. With strategic planning and professional guidance, you can achieve your dream of early retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 09, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 29 years old.My current salary is 35 k per month. My total savings include 1.5 lakhs in FD's. 10 lakh in MF & 2 lakh in stocks. How do i plan my investments further so that i can comfortably retire by the age of 55?
Ans: Planning for a comfortable retirement by 55 is achievable with a systematic approach. Your current savings are a solid foundation. Let's build on that to ensure a secure future.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
Your current salary is Rs. 35,000 per month. You have Rs. 1.5 lakhs in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs. 10 lakhs in mutual funds (MFs), and Rs. 2 lakhs in stocks. This is a good starting point for your age.


You've done a commendable job by investing in mutual funds and stocks. It's clear you're forward-thinking and proactive about your financial future. Let's optimize your strategy to ensure you reach your retirement goals.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
To retire comfortably by 55, you'll need a clear roadmap. Consider these steps:

Define your retirement corpus.
Establish your monthly expenses post-retirement.
Determine your risk tolerance.
Emergency Fund
Before diving into investments, ensure you have an emergency fund. Ideally, this should cover 6-12 months of your expenses. It acts as a financial cushion during unforeseen circumstances.

Increasing Savings and Investments
Given your current salary, it's crucial to allocate a portion towards savings and investments. Aim to save at least 20% of your income. As your salary increases, try to increase this percentage.

Fixed Deposits (FDs)
FDs are safe but offer lower returns compared to other investments. Consider keeping a portion of your emergency fund in FDs for safety. For long-term growth, we need to explore higher-yield options.

Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are a powerful tool for long-term wealth creation. They offer diversification and professional management. Here’s a detailed look at mutual funds and their benefits:

Categories of Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds: These invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They come with higher risk but are suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Debt Mutual Funds: These invest in fixed-income instruments like bonds. They offer stable returns with lower risk, suitable for short to medium-term goals.

Hybrid Mutual Funds: These invest in a mix of equity and debt. They balance risk and return, making them suitable for medium-term goals.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Diversification: Mutual funds spread investments across various assets, reducing risk.

Professional Management: Managed by experts who make informed investment decisions.

Liquidity: Easy to buy and sell, providing flexibility.

Compounding: Reinvested earnings generate more income, accelerating growth over time.

SIPs - Systematic Investment Plans
Investing in mutual funds through SIPs is an excellent strategy. It instills discipline and averages out market volatility. Allocate a portion of your monthly savings to SIPs in different mutual fund categories:

Equity SIPs: For long-term growth.

Debt SIPs: For stability and short-term goals.

Stocks
Your current investment in stocks shows you're willing to take calculated risks. Continue investing in stocks, but ensure it's within your risk tolerance. Diversify across different sectors to minimize risk.

Regular vs. Direct Mutual Funds
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) in regular mutual funds can offer benefits over direct funds. Here’s why:

Expert Guidance: A CFP provides personalized advice, helping you choose the right funds.

Convenience: They handle the paperwork and transactions.

Regular Monitoring: They keep track of your investments and suggest changes if needed.

Asset Allocation and Rebalancing
A balanced portfolio is key to managing risk and optimizing returns. Here’s a suggested allocation based on your profile:

Equity: 60%

Debt: 30%

Others (Gold, etc.): 10%

Rebalance your portfolio annually to maintain this allocation. This involves selling assets that have performed well and buying those that haven’t, keeping your risk level constant.

Risk Management
Understand your risk tolerance. As you age, your ability to take risks decreases. Gradually shift from high-risk investments (like stocks) to lower-risk ones (like debt funds) as you approach retirement.

Tax Planning
Maximize your tax savings by investing in tax-saving instruments like Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS). These offer tax benefits under Section 80C and also provide market-linked returns.

Power of Compounding
Start early and invest regularly. Compounding works wonders over long periods. Reinvest your earnings to generate more returns, significantly growing your wealth over time.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimate your retirement corpus considering inflation and your lifestyle. Use online retirement calculators or consult a CFP for accurate projections. Ensure your corpus can sustain your desired lifestyle post-retirement.

Regular Reviews and Adjustments
Regularly review your investment portfolio. Adjust based on market conditions, personal goals, and changing circumstances. Stay updated with financial news and trends to make informed decisions.

Health and Life Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance. They protect your savings from unexpected medical expenses and provide financial security to your family.

Investment Discipline
Stay disciplined and avoid impulsive financial decisions. Stick to your investment plan and don’t let market fluctuations affect your strategy.

Building a Passive Income Stream
Consider building passive income streams through dividends, interest, or rental income. This can supplement your retirement corpus and provide financial stability.

Financial Education
Continuously educate yourself about financial planning and investment strategies. Read books, attend seminars, and follow financial experts to stay informed.

Final Insights
Your journey to a comfortable retirement by 55 requires careful planning and disciplined execution. You’ve already made commendable progress with your current investments. By following these steps and regularly reviewing your strategy, you can achieve your financial goals. Remember, consistency and patience are key. Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice and to ensure you’re on the right track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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