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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 09, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 09, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 29 years old.My current salary is 35 k per month. My total savings include 1.5 lakhs in FD's. 10 lakh in MF & 2 lakh in stocks. How do i plan my investments further so that i can comfortably retire by the age of 55?

Ans: Planning for a comfortable retirement by 55 is achievable with a systematic approach. Your current savings are a solid foundation. Let's build on that to ensure a secure future.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
Your current salary is Rs. 35,000 per month. You have Rs. 1.5 lakhs in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs. 10 lakhs in mutual funds (MFs), and Rs. 2 lakhs in stocks. This is a good starting point for your age.


You've done a commendable job by investing in mutual funds and stocks. It's clear you're forward-thinking and proactive about your financial future. Let's optimize your strategy to ensure you reach your retirement goals.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
To retire comfortably by 55, you'll need a clear roadmap. Consider these steps:

Define your retirement corpus.
Establish your monthly expenses post-retirement.
Determine your risk tolerance.
Emergency Fund
Before diving into investments, ensure you have an emergency fund. Ideally, this should cover 6-12 months of your expenses. It acts as a financial cushion during unforeseen circumstances.

Increasing Savings and Investments
Given your current salary, it's crucial to allocate a portion towards savings and investments. Aim to save at least 20% of your income. As your salary increases, try to increase this percentage.

Fixed Deposits (FDs)
FDs are safe but offer lower returns compared to other investments. Consider keeping a portion of your emergency fund in FDs for safety. For long-term growth, we need to explore higher-yield options.

Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are a powerful tool for long-term wealth creation. They offer diversification and professional management. Here’s a detailed look at mutual funds and their benefits:

Categories of Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds: These invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They come with higher risk but are suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Debt Mutual Funds: These invest in fixed-income instruments like bonds. They offer stable returns with lower risk, suitable for short to medium-term goals.

Hybrid Mutual Funds: These invest in a mix of equity and debt. They balance risk and return, making them suitable for medium-term goals.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Diversification: Mutual funds spread investments across various assets, reducing risk.

Professional Management: Managed by experts who make informed investment decisions.

Liquidity: Easy to buy and sell, providing flexibility.

Compounding: Reinvested earnings generate more income, accelerating growth over time.

SIPs - Systematic Investment Plans
Investing in mutual funds through SIPs is an excellent strategy. It instills discipline and averages out market volatility. Allocate a portion of your monthly savings to SIPs in different mutual fund categories:

Equity SIPs: For long-term growth.

Debt SIPs: For stability and short-term goals.

Stocks
Your current investment in stocks shows you're willing to take calculated risks. Continue investing in stocks, but ensure it's within your risk tolerance. Diversify across different sectors to minimize risk.

Regular vs. Direct Mutual Funds
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) in regular mutual funds can offer benefits over direct funds. Here’s why:

Expert Guidance: A CFP provides personalized advice, helping you choose the right funds.

Convenience: They handle the paperwork and transactions.

Regular Monitoring: They keep track of your investments and suggest changes if needed.

Asset Allocation and Rebalancing
A balanced portfolio is key to managing risk and optimizing returns. Here’s a suggested allocation based on your profile:

Equity: 60%

Debt: 30%

Others (Gold, etc.): 10%

Rebalance your portfolio annually to maintain this allocation. This involves selling assets that have performed well and buying those that haven’t, keeping your risk level constant.

Risk Management
Understand your risk tolerance. As you age, your ability to take risks decreases. Gradually shift from high-risk investments (like stocks) to lower-risk ones (like debt funds) as you approach retirement.

Tax Planning
Maximize your tax savings by investing in tax-saving instruments like Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS). These offer tax benefits under Section 80C and also provide market-linked returns.

Power of Compounding
Start early and invest regularly. Compounding works wonders over long periods. Reinvest your earnings to generate more returns, significantly growing your wealth over time.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimate your retirement corpus considering inflation and your lifestyle. Use online retirement calculators or consult a CFP for accurate projections. Ensure your corpus can sustain your desired lifestyle post-retirement.

Regular Reviews and Adjustments
Regularly review your investment portfolio. Adjust based on market conditions, personal goals, and changing circumstances. Stay updated with financial news and trends to make informed decisions.

Health and Life Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance. They protect your savings from unexpected medical expenses and provide financial security to your family.

Investment Discipline
Stay disciplined and avoid impulsive financial decisions. Stick to your investment plan and don’t let market fluctuations affect your strategy.

Building a Passive Income Stream
Consider building passive income streams through dividends, interest, or rental income. This can supplement your retirement corpus and provide financial stability.

Financial Education
Continuously educate yourself about financial planning and investment strategies. Read books, attend seminars, and follow financial experts to stay informed.

Final Insights
Your journey to a comfortable retirement by 55 requires careful planning and disciplined execution. You’ve already made commendable progress with your current investments. By following these steps and regularly reviewing your strategy, you can achieve your financial goals. Remember, consistency and patience are key. Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice and to ensure you’re on the right track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

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Sir i am 27 yrs old unmarried .i have 35L in FD 10L in ppf 15L in mutual fund 20L in stocks 5L in SGB . I have an annually income of 30L i want to retire by 40 i have brought a term insurance and health insurer. Can help me plan how to invest further and achieve my goal .Karthik banglore
Ans: Hello Karthik,

Firstly, congratulations on being proactive about planning for your retirement at such a young age. Let's delve into crafting a strategic financial plan to help you achieve your goal of retiring by the age of 40, with a focus on mutual funds (MFs) as a key component of your investment strategy.

Current Financial Position
Your current financial standing reflects a commendable level of savings and investments, providing a solid foundation for your retirement aspirations. Let's review your existing assets:

FDs, PPF, and SGB: These traditional investment avenues offer stability and security, but they might not maximize long-term growth potential.

Mutual Funds and Stocks: Investing in equities and mutual funds demonstrates your willingness to explore avenues with higher growth potential, albeit with associated market risks.

Retirement Planning Strategy
Given your ambitious retirement goal, here's a tailored approach to further optimize your investments, focusing more on mutual funds:

Asset Allocation Review:

Evaluate your current asset allocation to ensure alignment with your retirement timeline and risk tolerance. Consider reallocating a portion of your conservative investments (FDs, PPF) towards equity mutual funds for higher growth potential over the long term.
Diversification with Mutual Funds:

Explore a diversified portfolio of mutual funds across different categories:
Large-Cap Funds: These funds invest in large, well-established companies with stable performance. They offer relatively lower risk compared to mid-cap and small-cap funds.
Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds: These funds focus on mid-sized and small-sized companies with higher growth potential but also higher volatility. Allocate a portion of your portfolio to these funds for capital appreciation.
Flexi Cap Funds: These funds provide flexibility to invest across market capitalizations based on prevailing market conditions. They offer a balanced approach between growth and stability.
ELSS Funds: Consider investing in Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) to avail tax benefits under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act, while also benefiting from potential capital appreciation.
Regular Portfolio Monitoring:

Implement a disciplined approach to monitor and rebalance your MF portfolio periodically. Review fund performance, expense ratios, and fund manager track records to ensure they align with your investment objectives.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP):

Utilize SIPs to invest systematically in mutual funds, enabling rupee-cost averaging and mitigating the impact of market volatility over time. Allocate your monthly investment amount across various MF categories based on your risk profile and investment horizon.
Tax Planning:

Optimize your tax efficiency by leveraging tax-saving mutual fund options such as ELSS funds. Maximize contributions to tax-deferred accounts like ELSS to reduce your taxable income and enhance overall savings.
Conclusion
In conclusion, by adopting a proactive and strategic approach to your financial planning, with a focus on mutual funds, you're well-positioned to achieve your goal of retiring by the age of 40. Continuously assess and adjust your MF portfolio to align with evolving market conditions and personal financial objectives. Remember, early retirement requires diligent planning and disciplined execution, but with careful guidance and prudent decision-making, you're on the right track to realizing your retirement dreams.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 06, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 40 years old & want to retire in 50. I have mutual funds worth 14 lakhs and do SIP of 1 lakh monthly. I got PPF worth 6 lakhs and invest 20,000/- monthly. I bought a plot worth 15 lakhs in April 2024. Planning to take a loan of 10 lakhs for 5 years to buy a car. Please advice how to plan my investments so that i retire with monthly emoluments of Rs 1 lakh.
Ans: You have made significant strides in your financial journey. Here’s a snapshot of your current financial situation:

Mutual Funds: Rs. 14 lakhs
SIP: Rs. 1 lakh monthly
PPF: Rs. 6 lakhs
PPF Contribution: Rs. 20,000 monthly
Plot Purchase: Rs. 15 lakhs in April 2024
Planned Car Loan: Rs. 10 lakhs for 5 years
Your goal is to retire at 50 and receive monthly emoluments of Rs. 1 lakh. Let's explore how you can achieve this goal.


First, congratulations on your disciplined savings and investments. Managing mutual funds, SIPs, and PPF contributions showcases your dedication. You’ve also invested in real estate, demonstrating a well-rounded approach. Let’s build on this foundation to ensure a comfortable retirement.

Evaluating Your Current Investments
Mutual Funds
You have Rs. 14 lakhs in mutual funds and a monthly SIP of Rs. 1 lakh. This is a robust investment strategy. Mutual funds offer potential for growth, making them suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your PPF account has Rs. 6 lakhs, with a monthly contribution of Rs. 20,000. PPF is a safe investment with tax benefits. It provides a steady return, which is crucial for retirement planning.

Real Estate
You purchased a plot for Rs. 15 lakhs. While real estate can appreciate over time, it’s less liquid than other investments. Consider this as part of your overall asset allocation, but avoid further real estate investments.

Planned Car Loan
Taking a Rs. 10 lakh loan for a car will impact your cash flow. It’s essential to balance this with your retirement savings to avoid financial strain.

Increasing Your SIPs: Strategic Allocation
You already have a substantial monthly SIP. Let’s consider how to optimize it further. Focus on a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This diversification balances risk and growth potential.

Large-Cap Funds
Increase your investment in large-cap funds. They provide stability and steady returns. This forms the foundation of your retirement corpus.

Mid-Cap Funds
Allocate a portion to mid-cap funds. These offer higher growth potential than large-cap funds but with moderate risk. This boosts your portfolio’s growth prospects.

Small-Cap Funds
Continue investing in small-cap funds. They can yield high returns, but remember they come with higher risk. Maintain a balanced approach to avoid excessive volatility.

Sector Funds
Consider sector funds like technology or healthcare. These sectors often experience high growth. However, limit exposure to avoid over-concentration in one sector.

Flexi-Cap Funds
Flexi-cap funds invest across market capitalizations. They provide flexibility and balance risk and reward. Increasing allocation here can enhance your portfolio’s resilience.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Flexibility
Index funds track a specific index, lacking flexibility. They can’t adapt to market changes or capitalize on emerging trends. This limits their growth potential.

Average Returns
Index funds aim to match market performance. They don’t strive to outperform. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, seek higher returns through strategic decisions.

No Downside Protection
Index funds don’t offer protection during market downturns. Active fund managers can take defensive positions to mitigate losses. This reduces risk in volatile markets.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Expert Management
Actively managed funds have professional fund managers. These experts make informed decisions to maximize returns. Their expertise helps navigate complex markets.

Adaptability
Active funds can adjust to market conditions. Fund managers can shift investments to capture opportunities. This flexibility enhances performance.

Potential for Higher Returns
Active funds aim to outperform the market. This potential for higher returns makes them attractive. Professional management can lead to superior performance.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Lack of Personalized Guidance
Direct funds require self-management. This can be challenging without financial knowledge. Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) provides personalized advice.

Time and Effort
Managing direct funds demands continuous attention. This is time-consuming and complex. Professional management saves time and offers peace of mind.

Missing Out on Expertise
MFDs and CFPs offer valuable insights. They stay updated on market trends and opportunities. Investing through them ensures you benefit from their expertise.

Tax Planning Strategies
Utilize Section 80C
Maximize the Rs. 1.5 lakh limit under Section 80C. Investments in EPF, PPF, and ELSS qualify for this. ELSS funds offer tax benefits and potential for high returns.

Health Insurance
Premiums paid for health insurance qualify for deduction under Section 80D. This can be up to Rs. 25,000 for self and family, and an additional Rs. 25,000 for parents.

National Pension System (NPS)
Contributions to NPS qualify for an additional deduction of Rs. 50,000 under Section 80CCD(1B). NPS provides a disciplined retirement savings plan with market-linked returns.

Tax-Efficient Investments
Invest in tax-efficient instruments like Equity Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS). They offer tax benefits under Section 80C and potential for good returns. Long-term capital gains from ELSS are taxed favorably.

Achieving Financial Goals
Define Clear Objectives
Set clear financial goals. This includes retirement planning and short-term objectives. Clear goals help create a focused investment strategy.

Regular Review
Review your investment portfolio periodically. Adjust your strategy based on changes in income, expenses, and goals. Regular reviews keep your investments aligned with your objectives.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund covering six months of expenses. This provides a cushion for unforeseen events. It ensures you don’t need to dip into your investments during emergencies.

Professional Guidance
Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). They provide expert advice tailored to your financial situation. A CFP can optimize your investment strategy and help achieve your financial goals.

Planning for Retirement
Target Retirement Corpus
Estimate your retirement corpus. You need Rs. 1 lakh monthly, which translates to Rs. 12 lakhs annually. Consider inflation and other factors to determine the required corpus.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Post-retirement, consider a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP). This provides regular income from your mutual fund investments. SWPs offer tax efficiency and flexibility.

Diversify Retirement Portfolio
Diversify your retirement portfolio. Include a mix of equity, debt, and other instruments. This balances risk and ensures steady income.

Focus on Growth and Stability
Balance growth and stability in your retirement investments. Equities provide growth, while debt instruments offer stability. This mix ensures a secure retirement.

Monitor and Adjust
Regularly monitor and adjust your retirement plan. Adapt to changes in market conditions and personal circumstances. Staying proactive ensures your retirement plan remains on track.

Final Insights
You have a strong foundation with your current investments. Increasing your SIPs strategically enhances your portfolio. Focus on a balanced approach, allocating across large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, sector, and flexi-cap funds.

Avoid direct funds and leverage the expertise of an MFD with a CFP credential. This ensures personalized and effective investment strategies. Actively managed funds offer the potential for higher returns and adaptability.

Effective tax planning boosts your savings. Utilize tax-efficient instruments and maximize available deductions. Regular reviews and professional guidance keep you on track for retirement.

With disciplined savings and strategic investments, you can achieve a comfortable retirement. Your goal of Rs. 1 lakh monthly emoluments is attainable with the right plan.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Money
Hello Jinal, I am 40 yrs old & want to retire by 50 with approx 1 lakh as monthly emolument. I got 14 lakhs worth mutual funds, do monthly SIP of 1.2 lakhs, got shares worth 1.5 lakhs, got PPF worth 6 lakhs & invest 20k monthly, got a plot worth 15 lakhs. Please advice how to plan my investment before i retire.
Ans: Retiring by the age of 50 is an admirable goal. You have a solid foundation to build upon. Your current investments indicate a disciplined approach to saving and investing. To ensure you achieve your goal of Rs 1 lakh monthly emolument, we need a comprehensive strategy.

Evaluating Your Current Portfolio
Mutual Funds
You have Rs 14 lakhs in mutual funds and contribute Rs 1.2 lakhs monthly through SIP. This is a strong start. Mutual funds offer diversification, reducing risk. It's important to review your mutual fund portfolio regularly. Ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance and retirement goals.

Shares
Your Rs 1.5 lakhs worth of shares provide potential for growth. However, individual stocks carry higher risk. Diversification across sectors and industries is crucial. Regular review and rebalancing can help manage risk.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your PPF investment of Rs 6 lakhs, with a monthly contribution of Rs 20,000, is a safe and tax-efficient option. PPF is excellent for risk-free growth. However, the returns are lower compared to equity investments. It's wise to balance it with higher-yield investments.

Real Estate
Your plot worth Rs 15 lakhs is a valuable asset. Real estate can provide significant returns but can be illiquid. While it can form a part of your net worth, it’s essential to have liquid assets for regular income post-retirement.

Strategic Investment Planning
Enhancing Mutual Fund Investments
You are investing Rs 1.2 lakhs monthly through SIPs. Actively managed funds, guided by a certified financial planner, can outperform index funds. Regular funds have the advantage of professional management. This can potentially lead to higher returns.

Ensure your mutual funds cover different asset classes, including large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Diversification within your mutual fund investments can provide stability and growth. Review the performance of your funds annually. Adjust based on market conditions and your financial goals.

Diversification in Equity
Your investment in shares should be part of a diversified portfolio. Diversification minimizes risk. Consider spreading your investments across different sectors. Rebalance your portfolio periodically. This ensures alignment with market conditions and your risk tolerance.

Maximizing PPF Contributions
Your monthly contribution of Rs 20,000 to PPF is a prudent move. PPF offers tax benefits and assured returns. It should remain a core component of your retirement plan. However, given the cap on contributions, ensure you are maximizing this benefit.

Assessing Real Estate Value
While real estate is a solid investment, it’s essential to assess its liquidity. As you approach retirement, liquidity becomes crucial. If needed, consider selling the plot closer to your retirement age. Reinvest the proceeds into more liquid and income-generating assets.

Building a Balanced Portfolio
Asset Allocation
A balanced portfolio is crucial for achieving your retirement goals. The right mix of equities, mutual funds, and fixed income ensures growth and stability. As you near retirement, shift towards more stable, income-generating investments.

Risk Management
Understanding and managing risk is vital. Regular reviews with a certified financial planner can help. Adjust your portfolio based on market trends and personal risk tolerance. This proactive approach helps safeguard your investments.

Long-term Planning
Your goal is to retire by 50. Long-term planning involves setting milestones. Evaluate your progress every few years. Adjust your strategy as needed. Ensure your investments are on track to meet your Rs 1 lakh monthly goal.

Tax Efficiency
Tax-saving Investments
Utilize tax-saving investments to enhance your returns. Investments in PPF, ELSS, and other tax-saving instruments can reduce your tax liability. Consult with your financial planner to maximize tax benefits.

Capital Gains Management
Managing capital gains is crucial. Plan your asset sales to minimize tax impact. Utilize available exemptions and benefits. A certified financial planner can provide tailored advice for your situation.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimating Required Corpus
To achieve Rs 1 lakh monthly post-retirement, estimate the required corpus. Consider inflation, life expectancy, and lifestyle needs. This estimation helps in setting realistic investment goals.

Regular Reviews
Regularly review your retirement corpus estimates. Adjust based on changes in inflation rates and lifestyle needs. This ensures your retirement plan remains viable.

Generating Post-Retirement Income
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Consider a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) for mutual funds. SWP provides regular income while keeping your capital invested. This approach helps in managing cash flow post-retirement.

Fixed Income Investments
Investing in fixed income instruments like bonds and fixed deposits can provide stable returns. They offer security and regular income. Ensure a portion of your portfolio is in such instruments.

Annuity Options
While I don't recommend annuities, understand their role. Annuities provide a fixed income but can have limitations. It's crucial to weigh the pros and cons with your financial planner.

Insurance and Contingency Planning
Health Insurance
Adequate health insurance is vital. Ensure your health insurance covers potential medical expenses. This protects your retirement corpus from being depleted by healthcare costs.

Life Insurance
Evaluate your life insurance needs. Adequate coverage ensures your family’s financial security. Consider term insurance as a cost-effective option.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund. It should cover 6-12 months of expenses. This fund provides a safety net for unforeseen expenses.

Monitoring and Adjusting Your Plan
Regular Reviews
Regular reviews of your investment portfolio are essential. Adjust based on market conditions and personal financial goals. A certified financial planner can assist in these reviews.

Financial Planner Consultation
Regular consultations with a certified financial planner provide professional guidance. They help in making informed decisions and adjusting your strategy as needed.

Adapting to Changes
Stay adaptable to changes in financial markets and personal circumstances. Flexibility ensures your retirement plan remains robust and effective.

Final Insights
Planning for retirement requires a strategic approach. Your current investments provide a strong foundation. Regular reviews, diversification, and risk management are crucial. Tax efficiency and long-term planning help in achieving your retirement goals.

Consult with a certified financial planner to tailor this strategy to your needs. This professional guidance ensures you remain on track to achieve your dream of retiring by 50 with a monthly emolument of Rs 1 lakh.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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