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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 21, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
MOHUA Question by MOHUA on May 21, 2024Hindi
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I am 53 years old working woman having SIP of 50000 per month. My retirement age is 60 years. My total corpus is 1 crore 30 lacs. How much I should save to have a corpus of around 2.25 crores at my retirement?

Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
You have done an admirable job, accumulating a corpus of ?1.30 crores and saving ?50,000 per month through SIPs. At 53 years old, you are well on your way to securing a comfortable retirement by 60.

Setting a Retirement Goal
Your goal is to have a corpus of ?2.25 crores by the time you retire at 60. To achieve this, you need to evaluate your current savings strategy and make necessary adjustments.

Calculating the Required Savings
Your existing corpus and ongoing SIPs are already substantial. However, to bridge the gap and reach ?2.25 crores, you may need to increase your monthly savings or invest in higher-yielding instruments.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Consider investing in actively managed funds. These funds have professional managers who actively make investment decisions to outperform the market. This approach can potentially yield higher returns compared to index funds, which merely track the market.

Evaluating Your SIP Strategy
Your current SIPs of ?50,000 per month are a great way to build wealth systematically. Review the performance of these SIPs periodically. Ensure they are aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Adjusting your SIP amount upward, if feasible, can help you reach your target faster.

Diversifying Your Investments
Diversification reduces risk and enhances potential returns. Ensure your portfolio includes a balanced mix of equity and debt funds. Equity funds offer growth, while debt funds provide stability.

Importance of Regular Reviews
Regularly reviewing your investment portfolio is essential. Financial markets and personal circumstances change over time. Annual reviews with a Certified Financial Planner can help you stay on track towards your retirement goal.

Risk Management
Assess your risk tolerance. As you approach retirement, consider gradually shifting from high-risk investments to more stable ones. This strategy protects your corpus from market volatility as you near your retirement age.

Professional Guidance
A Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized advice tailored to your situation. They can help optimize your investment strategy, ensuring it aligns with your retirement goals. Their expertise ensures your financial plan is robust and adaptable to changes.

Inflation Considerations
Inflation erodes purchasing power over time. Ensure your retirement corpus grows at a rate that outpaces inflation. Investing in growth-oriented funds can help counteract the effects of inflation.

Health and Emergency Funds
Maintain an emergency fund separate from your retirement savings. This fund should cover unexpected expenses and be easily accessible. Additionally, ensure you have adequate health insurance to cover medical costs during retirement.

Appreciating Your Progress
Your dedication to saving and planning for retirement is commendable. By staying disciplined and proactive, you are well on your way to achieving your retirement goals. Continue your efforts with confidence and regular guidance from a Certified Financial Planner.

Conclusion
To achieve a retirement corpus of ?2.25 crores by age 60, consider increasing your SIPs, diversifying your investments, and regularly reviewing your portfolio. With professional guidance and careful planning, you can secure a comfortable and fulfilling retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 17, 2024Hindi
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RamalingamJi, I am 51 years old & having approx. corpus of Rs. 30L. I want to have 1.5L/month after retirement (at the age of 58 yrs.) so how much should I save from now so that I can have this much money w/o trouble. At present I am investing 20K/month in MF, 12.5K/month in PPF, 30K/month in EPF, 12K in Sukanya Smridhi, 17k/month in NPS, 6k/month in another PPF & another 20K/month in other saving schemes making it total 117.5K/month.
Ans: Planning for your Retirement Income
You're taking a great step by planning for your retirement income at 51. Here's how we can estimate how much you might need to save to reach your goal of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month after retirement at 58.

Factors to Consider:

Current Savings: Your current monthly savings of Rs. 1,17,500 is a significant starting point.
Time Horizon: You have 7 years (58 - 51) till retirement.
Desired Retirement Income: Your target monthly income is Rs. 1,50,000.
Inflation: Inflation erodes the purchasing power of money over time. Consider a conservative estimate of 5-7% inflation.
Rate of Return: The expected return on your investments will determine how much you need to save.
Here's a simplified calculation (assuming a fixed rate of return):

Total Corpus Required:

Let's assume an 8% annual return and 7% inflation (adjusted return of 1%).
We can use the formula for perpetuity present value (PV) to calculate the corpus needed: PV = Desired monthly income (adjusted for inflation) / Adjusted annual return PV = (Rs. 1,50,000 * 12) / (1 + 0.01) = Rs. 1,80,00,000
Shortfall in Corpus:

You already have Rs. 30 lakh corpus.
The shortfall would be Rs. 1,80,00,000 - Rs. 30,00,000 = Rs. 1,50,00,000
Additional Monthly Savings:

To calculate the additional monthly savings required, we can use a savings goal calculator available online.
These factors will be considered: time horizon, desired corpus, and expected return.
Important Points to Remember:

This is a simplified calculation. Real-world returns may fluctuate.
Consider consulting a financial advisor for a personalized plan considering your risk tolerance and investment portfolio.
You've mentioned various investments (MF, PPF, EPF, etc.). An advisor can help assess the asset allocation and suggest adjustments if needed.
Positive Aspects of your Current Savings:

Your current savings of Rs. 1,17,500 per month is commendable.
You're invested in a variety of instruments (equity, debt, government schemes).
Next Steps:

Estimate Shortfall: Use a retirement calculator to get a more accurate estimate of the additional monthly savings required.
Review Investments: Consult a financial advisor to assess your current asset allocation and suggest adjustments if necessary to align with your retirement goals.
Increase Savings: If there's a shortfall, consider ways to increase your monthly savings by reviewing expenses or increasing income.
By planning and potentially making some adjustments, you can be well on your way to achieving your desired retirement income.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 07, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 34 years old and earning 3 lacs per month. Currently I have a corpus of about 75 lacs in MF. And I have been doing SIP from last 7 years. Now my month SIP is about 1.8 lacs per month. I want to retire by 45. How much corpus would I have if I continue to save the same amount for next 10 - 11 yrs. Also, please help me to understand that how much corpus do I need to make. For monthly income of 2 lacs from my corpus or saving
Ans: Assessing Retirement Corpus Growth
Current Investment Scenario
Your disciplined approach to SIP investments has contributed to building a substantial corpus over the past seven years.

Projecting Future Corpus Growth
Continuing your monthly SIP of 1.8 lakhs for the next 10-11 years can potentially result in significant wealth accumulation due to the power of compounding.

Estimating Future Corpus
By projecting the expected returns based on historical performance and assuming a conservative growth rate, we can estimate the potential corpus you may accumulate by the time you retire at 45.

Understanding Retirement Income Needs
To determine the corpus needed for generating a monthly income of 2 lakhs post-retirement, we must consider factors such as inflation, lifestyle preferences, and other financial obligations.

Calculating Required Corpus
Using conservative estimates for inflation and investment returns, we can calculate the corpus required to generate a monthly income of 2 lakhs, ensuring financial security and maintaining your desired lifestyle.

Conducting Retirement Gap Analysis
Comparing the projected corpus from your SIP investments with the required corpus for generating the desired monthly income will help identify any potential shortfall and enable strategic planning to bridge the gap.

Recommendations for Retirement Planning
Optimize Investment Strategy: Consider diversifying your investment portfolio to mitigate risk and maximize returns, ensuring sustainable wealth accumulation over the long term.

Increase SIP Contributions: Evaluate the possibility of gradually increasing your SIP contributions to accelerate corpus growth and achieve your retirement goals more efficiently.

Review Retirement Goals: Regularly review your retirement goals and adjust your investment strategy as needed to align with evolving financial objectives and life circumstances.

Explore Supplementary Income Sources: Explore additional avenues for passive income generation, such as rental properties, dividend-paying stocks, or alternative investment options, to supplement your retirement corpus and enhance financial security.

Conclusion
By maintaining a disciplined approach to savings and investments and periodically reassessing your retirement goals and investment strategy, you can maximize the potential of achieving financial independence and securing a comfortable retirement lifestyle. It's essential to seek professional guidance and stay committed to your long-term financial objectives to ensure a smooth transition into retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am 47 years old. I have a corpus of about 3.4Cr of which about 1.5Cr is in equities(Mostly large cap) & ETFs and rest is FD and PF. Apart from this, I have about Rs 72000 rental income. I have a term insurance and family medical insurance. I need to work for atleast another 3 years to cover my elder son's education and need a corpus for my 14 yrs old daughter's education of say about 50L. I can invest around 2L per month in SIPs. Given all this, how much more retirement corpus I need to have a regular monthly income of 2L? Thanks for replying.
Ans: It's great to see you've built a substantial corpus and are planning for your future financial needs. Let's analyze your situation and determine the steps needed to achieve your goals.

Current Financial Status
Corpus Allocation
Your corpus of ?3.4 crore, with a significant portion in equities, FDs, and PF, reflects a diversified investment approach.

Additional Income
The rental income of ?72,000 per annum provides an additional source of cash flow, contributing to your overall financial stability.

Future Financial Goals
Education Expenses
You have identified the need for ?50 lakh for your daughter's education in 14 years and have committed to investing ?2 lakh per month in SIPs to achieve this goal.

Retirement Planning
To secure a regular monthly income of ?2 lakh post-retirement, we need to calculate the additional retirement corpus required.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Desired Monthly Income
A monthly income of ?2 lakh translates to an annual income of ?24 lakh post-retirement.

Withdrawal Rate
Assuming a conservative withdrawal rate of 5-6% from the retirement corpus, we can estimate the required corpus as follows:

?24,00,000 / 0.05 = ?4.8 crore
?24,00,000 / 0.06 = ?4 crore

Gap Analysis
Current Retirement Corpus
Your current corpus of ?3.4 crore is significant but falls short of the required retirement corpus.

Additional Savings
To bridge the gap, you may consider increasing your monthly SIP contributions or exploring other investment avenues that offer potential for higher returns.

Asset Allocation
Review your asset allocation to ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance and investment goals, especially considering the need for regular income post-retirement.

Conclusion
While you have made commendable progress towards your financial goals, there is a need to augment your retirement corpus to secure a regular monthly income of ?2 lakh post-retirement. By reassessing your investment strategy, increasing your savings rate, and exploring suitable investment options, you can work towards achieving financial independence and ensuring a comfortable retirement.

If you require further assistance or personalized advice, feel free to reach out. I'm here to support you in navigating your financial journey and achieving your objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 30, 2024Hindi
Money
My age is 49 and has a monthly salary of INR 291000 and expect yearly hike of 5%. Want to retire by 55 years. Has Current loan of 60K and Current savings monthly are 50K SIP, 20K life insurance, 62K PF my contribution, 25K PPF(mine and wifes), Currnet asseats are own house, 35lacs in PF, 25lacs in SIP and 40lacs in FD. I have one daughter 9 yrears. How much corpus should be enough at retirement and is this savings good enough to achieve that.
Ans: Understanding Your Retirement Goals
Retirement planning is crucial to ensure a comfortable and stress-free life after you stop working. You aim to retire at 55 years, which gives you six more years to build your retirement corpus. Your current salary is Rs 2,91,000 per month, with an expected annual increment of 5%. Your monthly savings include Rs 50,000 in SIPs, Rs 20,000 in life insurance, Rs 62,000 in PF contributions, and Rs 25,000 in PPF contributions. Your current assets include a house, Rs 35 lakhs in PF, Rs 25 lakhs in SIPs, and Rs 40 lakhs in FDs. Additionally, you have a loan of Rs 60,000. Understanding these details helps in assessing if your savings are adequate for your retirement goals.

Evaluating Current Savings and Investments
Your disciplined approach to saving and investing is commendable. Consistent contributions to SIPs, PF, and PPF are effective ways to build a retirement corpus. Additionally, your current assets are well-diversified across various instruments, which is prudent. However, it is important to assess whether these savings and investments are sufficient to meet your retirement needs.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
SIPs are a popular choice for many investors due to their potential for high returns over the long term. They offer the benefit of rupee cost averaging and compounding. Actively managed funds, compared to index funds, can potentially provide better returns because they are managed by professionals who actively select stocks. However, it's essential to review the performance of these funds regularly and ensure they align with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Provident Fund (PF) and Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your contributions to PF and PPF are great for ensuring a stable, risk-free portion of your retirement corpus. PF offers a stable return with tax benefits, which is an excellent way to secure a part of your retirement income. PPF, with its tax-free interest and principal, is another safe investment that complements your riskier investments like SIPs.

Addressing the Loan
It is good to note that your current loan is Rs 60,000, which is relatively small compared to your overall financial picture. Paying off this loan should be a priority, as being debt-free at retirement is ideal. The sooner you clear this loan, the better your financial health will be.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
To determine how much corpus you will need at retirement, several factors need to be considered:

Expected Monthly Expenses: Estimate your monthly expenses post-retirement, considering inflation.

Life Expectancy: Plan for at least 30 years post-retirement.

Inflation Rate: Assume an average inflation rate of 6-7% annually.

Current Savings and Future Contributions: Calculate the future value of your current savings and ongoing contributions.

Estimating Monthly Expenses
Your monthly expenses in retirement may differ from your current expenses. Some costs may reduce, like work-related expenses, while healthcare and leisure costs might increase. It is vital to have a clear understanding of your expected monthly expenses. Let's assume your current monthly expenses are Rs 1,20,000. Considering inflation, these expenses will increase by the time you retire.

Inflation and Life Expectancy
Inflation significantly impacts retirement planning. Assuming an average inflation rate of 6-7%, your expenses will grow over time. Additionally, planning for a longer life expectancy ensures you do not outlive your savings. For example, if you retire at 55 and plan for 30 years, your corpus should support you until 85.

Future Value of Current Savings
Let's project the future value of your current savings and ongoing contributions. This projection helps in understanding if your current strategy will meet your retirement goals.

Evaluating the Sufficiency of Your Savings
Given your disciplined savings approach, you are on a strong path. However, ensuring these savings are enough requires careful planning. Regularly reviewing your investment portfolio and adjusting as necessary will keep you on track.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds have the potential to outperform index funds, as fund managers make strategic decisions based on market conditions. This active management can lead to higher returns, although it often comes with higher fees. Nonetheless, the potential for greater returns can justify the cost, making actively managed funds a compelling option for growth-oriented investors like yourself.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds require a hands-on approach and deep market knowledge. Investing directly means you are responsible for all decisions, which can be risky if you are not well-versed in market dynamics. Regular funds, managed by Certified Financial Planners, offer professional expertise and monitoring, which can lead to better risk management and potentially higher returns. This professional guidance is invaluable, especially as you approach retirement and seek to secure your financial future.

Prioritizing Education for Your Daughter
Your nine-year-old daughter’s education is another critical goal. Education costs are rising, and planning for her future expenses is essential. Setting aside dedicated savings for her education, such as a child education plan, ensures that you are prepared for these costs without compromising your retirement corpus.

Importance of Insurance
Your current life insurance policy is a good step towards securing your family's financial future. Adequate insurance coverage is crucial to protect against unforeseen circumstances. Evaluating whether your current insurance is sufficient or if additional coverage is needed is advisable.

Conclusion
Your current savings and investment strategy reflect a strong commitment to financial planning. By continuing to save diligently and reviewing your investment portfolio regularly, you can build a robust retirement corpus. Paying off your loan and ensuring adequate insurance coverage further strengthens your financial position. Planning for your daughter's education and considering the benefits of actively managed funds over direct investments are also crucial steps.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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