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42-Year-Old With Family, Seeking Investment Advice For Retirement

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7510 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
sushanth Question by sushanth on Jun 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 42 years old and am married with 2 daughters. My monthly take home is 1.8 lakhs and have an additional fixed income of 1 lakh. I need 1 lakh for monthly maintenance of my home including my car loan of 40 thousand. Can you please share me a investment plan for the future. When can I have enough investment to retire.

Ans: You are 42 years old. You are married with two daughters. Your monthly take-home pay is Rs. 1.8 lakhs. You also have a fixed income of Rs. 1 lakh. Your monthly expenses are Rs. 1 lakh, which includes a car loan of Rs. 40,000.

Assessing Your Financial Goals
To create an investment plan, we need to identify your financial goals. Key goals may include:

Children's education and marriage
Retirement planning
Paying off the car loan
Building an emergency fund
Monthly Savings and Investments
Your total income is Rs. 2.8 lakhs per month. After expenses, you have Rs. 1.8 lakhs available for savings and investments.

Investment Strategy
1. Emergency Fund:

First, ensure you have an emergency fund. This should cover 6-12 months of expenses. Set aside Rs. 6-12 lakhs for this purpose. Keep it in a liquid fund or savings account.

2. Debt Repayment:

Your car loan is Rs. 40,000 monthly. Ensure timely repayments to avoid penalties. If possible, consider pre-paying the loan to reduce interest costs.

3. Children's Education and Marriage:

Start investing in child-specific funds. Education and marriage expenses can be high. Estimate the costs and start SIPs (Systematic Investment Plans) in mutual funds.

4. Retirement Planning:

Invest systematically for retirement. Diversify your investments across:

Mutual Funds:
Choose a mix of equity and debt funds.
Actively managed funds can offer better returns than index funds.
Public Provident Fund (PPF):
Offers tax benefits and guaranteed returns.
National Pension System (NPS):
Provides an additional tax benefit and helps build a retirement corpus.
5. Monthly Investment Allocation:

Emergency Fund: Rs. 6-12 lakhs initially
Children's Education and Marriage: Rs. 40,000 per month
Retirement Planning: Rs. 1 lakh per month
Car Loan Repayment: Rs. 40,000 per month
Remaining amount can be allocated to other investment options like mutual funds or debt instruments.
Risk Management
1. Diversification:

Diversify your investments to reduce risk. Invest in a mix of equities, debt, and fixed-income instruments.

2. Insurance:

Ensure adequate insurance coverage. Health insurance and term insurance are essential. They protect your family and assets.

Tax Planning
1. Tax-efficient Investments:

Invest in tax-saving instruments. ELSS funds, PPF, and NPS offer tax benefits.

2. Tax-saving Strategies:

Utilise strategies to reduce tax liability. Plan investments to maximise tax benefits under Section 80C, 80D, and others.

Monitoring and Review
1. Regular Monitoring:

Monitor your investments regularly. Track performance and make adjustments as needed.

2. Annual Review:

Review your financial plan annually. Assess progress towards your goals. Adjust investments based on performance.

When Can You Retire?
To determine your retirement timeline, consider:

Your desired retirement corpus
Your current savings and investments
Your monthly contributions
Expected rate of return on investments
Assuming a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity and debt, you can expect an average annual return of 10-12%. Based on your current savings and investments, a rough estimate can be made. However, consulting with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide a detailed analysis and a more accurate timeline.

Final Insights
Achieving your financial goals requires disciplined planning and regular monitoring. Invest systematically, diversify your portfolio, and utilise tax-saving strategies. With careful planning and professional guidance, you can build a secure financial future and achieve your retirement goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7510 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 05, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir am 41yrs old and earning 91k per month and have saving of 1 lac . I have invested 15L in M.I.S ,6.38L in equities and 5k every month in s.i.p.I have two kids , am planning to buy house after 4 years worth 50L kindly tell me any investment plan ...so that I can cover the expense of kids education and marriage
Ans: It's great to see your proactive approach towards financial planning, especially considering your children's education and marriage expenses, as well as your goal of buying a house. Here's a tailored investment plan to help you achieve your objectives:

Education Fund for Children:
Open separate education funds or investment accounts for each child to save specifically for their education expenses.
Consider investing in Equity Mutual Funds or Equity Linked Saving Schemes (ELSS) for long-term growth potential, given your investment horizon.
Start a systematic investment plan (SIP) in diversified equity funds, aiming to accumulate sufficient funds by the time your children reach college age.
Marriage Fund for Children:
Similarly, create dedicated investment accounts for your children's marriage expenses to ensure you have adequate funds when needed.
Explore a mix of equity and debt investments based on your risk tolerance and time horizon.
Consider fixed-income instruments like Public Provident Fund (PPF), Fixed Deposits (FDs), or Debt Mutual Funds for stability and capital preservation.
House Purchase Fund:
Since you plan to buy a house in four years, focus on short to medium-term investment options to accumulate the required down payment.
Consider investing in Debt Mutual Funds or Fixed Maturity Plans (FMPs) for capital protection and relatively higher returns compared to traditional savings accounts.
Evaluate your risk appetite and liquidity needs when selecting investment vehicles for your house purchase fund.
Regular Review and Adjustment:
Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon.
Adjust your investment strategy as needed, considering changes in market conditions, personal circumstances, and goal priorities.
Emergency Fund:
Maintain a separate emergency fund equivalent to at least six months' worth of living expenses to cover unforeseen financial challenges or expenses.
Keep this fund in a liquid and easily accessible account such as a savings account or liquid mutual fund.
Consult with Financial Advisor:
Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner or investment advisor to tailor an investment plan that suits your specific goals, risk profile, and financial situation.
A professional advisor can provide personalized guidance and help you navigate the complexities of investment planning, ensuring you make informed decisions.
By implementing a structured investment plan tailored to your goals and financial circumstances, you can work towards securing your children's future education and marriage expenses while also saving for your own house purchase. Stay disciplined in your savings and investment approach, and regularly monitor your progress towards achieving these important milestones

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7510 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

Money
Hi I am 35 years old. My in hand salary is 3 lacs. I have 26 lacs in epf, 24 lacs in equity, 1.1 lacs in gold soverign bond. I have one flat worth 1.2cr with 30 lacs as loan . My monthly expense is 70k . My wife is home maker and i have 2 children(girl 9 years old, boy 4 years old) I want to retire after 5 years . After that i need atleast 1.2 lacs per month in hand. How should i plan my investment
Ans: It’s great to hear from you. You’ve done well with your savings and investments. Let's plan your investment strategy so you can retire comfortably in five years and ensure you have at least Rs. 1.2 lakhs per month in hand post-retirement.

Current Financial Snapshot
Age and Family: You are 35 years old, with a homemaker wife and two children (9-year-old daughter, 4-year-old son).

Income and Expenses: Your in-hand salary is Rs. 3 lakhs per month, and your monthly expenses are Rs. 70,000.

Investments and Assets:

EPF: Rs. 26 lakhs
Equity: Rs. 24 lakhs
Gold Sovereign Bonds: Rs. 1.1 lakhs
Flat worth Rs. 1.2 crores (with a Rs. 30 lakhs loan)
Retirement Goals
Retirement Age: 40 years
Monthly Income Post-Retirement: Rs. 1.2 lakhs in hand
Investment Strategy for Retirement Planning
Assessing Your Current Situation
You have a strong base with your current savings and investments. Let’s break it down:

EPF: A good foundation for your retirement savings.

Equity: This is your growth engine and needs to be managed well for maximum returns.

Gold Sovereign Bonds: These are good for diversification and stability.

Flat: A significant asset, but with an outstanding loan, the net value is lower.

Your immediate goal is to ensure you have enough income post-retirement. Here's a detailed plan:

1. Enhance Your Equity Investments
Equity investments are crucial for long-term growth. Since you have Rs. 24 lakhs in equity, ensure it's diversified across various sectors and market caps (large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap).

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds:

Professional Management: Fund managers actively monitor and adjust the portfolio.
Potential for Higher Returns: They aim to outperform benchmarks.
Risk Management: They adjust portfolios to mitigate risks during market volatility.
Action Points:

Increase your monthly SIPs in equity mutual funds. Aim for a mix of large-cap for stability, and mid-cap and small-cap for growth.
Review and rebalance your portfolio annually to ensure it aligns with your goals.
2. Maximize Your EPF Contributions
EPF is a safe and tax-efficient retirement saving option. Keep contributing to it regularly.

Action Points:

Continue your EPF contributions till you retire.
Consider voluntary contributions (VPF) if possible to increase your retirement corpus.
3. Diversify with Debt Instruments
Diversification is essential. While equity offers growth, debt instruments provide stability.

Debt Instruments Include:

Corporate Bonds: Offer higher returns than fixed deposits but with some risk.
Debt Mutual Funds: Provide stable returns with lower risk compared to equities.
Government Bonds: Safe but with moderate returns.
Action Points:

Allocate a portion of your savings to debt instruments for stability.
Consider debt mutual funds for a balanced portfolio.
4. Utilize Gold Sovereign Bonds
Gold bonds provide a hedge against inflation and are a good diversification tool.

Action Points:

Hold onto your gold sovereign bonds for diversification.
Consider adding more during dips in gold prices for long-term holding.
5. Manage Your Real Estate Investment
Your flat is a significant asset. Reducing the outstanding loan can increase your net worth.

Action Points:

Accelerate loan repayment if possible. It reduces interest outflow and increases net savings.
Consider the rental income post-retirement if you decide to let out the property.
6. Emergency Fund and Insurance
An emergency fund is crucial to cover unexpected expenses. Adequate insurance protects against unforeseen events.

Action Points:

Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses in a liquid fund.
Ensure your health and life insurance covers are adequate.
7. Education and Marriage Planning for Children
Planning for your children’s education and marriage is essential.

Action Points:

Start dedicated SIPs in mutual funds for their education and marriage expenses.
Consider child-specific investment plans for long-term savings.
Creating a Retirement Corpus
To generate Rs. 1.2 lakhs per month post-retirement, you need a substantial retirement corpus. Here’s how to approach it:

Estimate Your Retirement Corpus
Calculate the amount needed for 25-30 years post-retirement considering inflation.
Aim for a corpus that generates Rs. 1.2 lakhs per month through systematic withdrawals or interest/dividends.
Investment Vehicles for Retirement Corpus
Equity Mutual Funds:

Continue and increase SIPs for growth.
Choose a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds for diversification.
Debt Mutual Funds:

Invest in debt funds for stability and regular income.
Consider a mix of short-term, medium-term, and long-term debt funds.
Hybrid Funds:

Invest in balanced or hybrid funds that combine equity and debt.
These offer a good mix of growth and stability.
Fixed Income Instruments:

Invest in instruments like PPF, EPF, and government bonds for assured returns.
Withdrawal Strategy Post-Retirement
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP):

Use SWPs in mutual funds for regular income.
Plan withdrawals to meet your monthly needs without depleting the corpus quickly.
Dividends and Interest Income:

Use dividends from mutual funds and interest from fixed income investments.
Ensure a mix of growth and income-generating assets.
Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Annual Review:

Regularly review your investment portfolio.
Make adjustments based on market conditions and life changes.
Rebalance Portfolio:

Rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation.
Shift from high-risk to low-risk investments as you approach retirement.
Final Insights
You've built a strong financial foundation. With careful planning and disciplined investing, you can achieve your retirement goal comfortably.

Focus on maximizing your current investments in equity, EPF, and gold. Diversify with debt instruments for stability and maintain a balanced portfolio.

Plan for your children's future needs and ensure you have adequate insurance coverage. Regularly review and adjust your investment strategy to stay on track.

With dedication and strategic planning, you can secure a prosperous retirement and enjoy financial freedom.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7510 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 28, 2024Hindi
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Hi Vivek, I am 45 year old. Myself and wife together earning 2.3L p.m. We have kids of aged 11 years and 3 years. Our monthly expenses are around 90K. We have home loan of 75L with 80k EMI for a tenure of 13 years and need to pay 30L for our new property in one year period. We have 50L worth apartment, 40L in PPF, 55L in PF, 20L in NPS, 40L in MF, 10L in stocks and 10L in ULIPs. We have monthly MF SIP of 40K and 10K pm for term and health insurances. We are expecting around 1cr expenses for children education till their graduation.We want to retire in next 10 years with 1L monthly income. Please advice on how to invest and plan for our future.
Ans: Existing Financial Position
Sources of Income and Expenses:

Monthly income: 2.3 lakhs
Monthly expenditure: Rs 90,000
Home loan EMI: Rs 80,000 (13 years tenure)
Probable payment towards new property: Rs 30 lakhs (can be within one year)
Assets and Investments:

Apartment value: Rs 50 lakhs
PPF: Rs 40 lakhs
PF: Rs 55 lakhs
NPS: Rs 20 lakhs
Mutual Funds: Rs 40 lakhs
Shares and Stocks: Rs 10 lakhs
ULIPs: Rs 10 lakhs
Insurance:

Insurance premium payment by month: Rs 10,000 (Term and Health Insurance)
SIP:

Monthly SIP: Rs 40,000
Education Expenses:

Child's education expense : Rs 1 crore
Retirement Goals
Retirement Plan:

Retirement age: 55 years
Desired monthly income post-retirement: Rs 1 lakh
Analysis and Recommendations
Debt Management:

Firstly, try to repay the home loan.
If possible, prepay the loan to lessen interest burden.
Investment Strategy:

Continue with existing SIPs.
If possible, increase SIPs to enlarge the corpus.
Diversification:

Your investments are very well diversified.
There needs to be a balance between equity and debt.
Education Fund:

Set aside a dedicated fund for children's education.
Use a mix of PPF, mutual funds, and fixed deposits.
Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses.
Use liquid funds or a savings account for this purpose.
Retirement Corpus:

Calculate the required corpus for Rs 1 lakh monthly income.
Take into consideration inflation and healthcare costs.
Health and Term Insurance:

Take stock of your insurance coverage
Ensure that it is adequate to cover possible medical expenses.
Action Plan
Increase SIPs:

Gradually increase the amount of the monthly SIP.
Mix of large-cap, mid-cap and balanced funds.
Education of Children:

Allocate some mutual funds for education.
Child-specific education plans can be invested in if they are better in terms of returns.
Prepayment of Home Loan:

Utilize excess income and bonus for pre-paying the home loan.
The burden on the tenure and interest decreases.
Regular Review:

Yearly review of your financial plan
Investments alter with the market condition and change in goals.
Final Takeaways
You are doing well on the financial front. Now, increase your SIPs and try to prepay on your home loan. Diversify your portfolio appropriately with adequate insurance coverage. Such disciplined planning with periodic reviews will help you achieve retirement goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |858 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2024Hindi
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I am 41 years old........ I am earning approximately 1.7 lakh per month...... My family liability is approximately 50000 per month.......i have a liability of 10 lakh home loan for which i am paying 12500 monthly EMI.......my investment include 40000 per month in PPF, 4200 in NPS and 3 lakh invested in mutual funds......I own a house worth 70 lakh and a plot of land worth 30 lakh.......please guide me for my forther planning as i will retire at age of 54 on 2037.
Ans: Hello;

If you are sure about not using the land plot in future then I suggest you sell it and invest the proceeds into mutual funds.

So land sell proceeds(30 L) + existing corpus of 3 L if stays invested in pure equity mutual funds for next 13 years, it will yield you a corpus of 1.62 Cr.

Also I recommend you to start a monthly sip of 50 K into pure equity fund for 13 years. At the end of 13 years it may yield you a corpus of around 2.04 Cr. (A modest return of 13% is assumed for all mutual fund investments)

NPS investment will not mature till you reach 60 so I am keeping it out of our working.

Your contribution of 40 K per month to EPF+PPF(PPF contribution cannot be more then 1.5 L per person per year) will grow into a corpus of 1.1 Cr after 13 years.(A modest return of 8% is assumed)

So your comprehensive corpus in 2037 will be 1.62+2.04+1.1= 4.76 Cr.

If you buy an immediate annuity from an insurance company for your corpus of 4.76 Cr, you may expect a monthly payout of 1.66 L(post tax) considering annuity rate of 6%.

If you don't want to sell the land parcel then I recommend you to start an sip of 60 K per month for 13 years. This may yield you a corpus of 2.45 Cr after 13 years.

3 L current MF corpus will grow to 0.1469 Cr after 13 years

So your comprehensive corpus now is 2.45+1.1+0.1469=~3.70 Cr

If you buy an immediate annuity from an insurance company for your corpus of 3.7 Cr then you may expect to receive a monthly payout of 1.3 L(post tax).

Further NPS will yield you a corpus of 25.5 L at the attainment of 60 years of age.(9% return considered; hoping you will continue to contribute after your retirement at 54 age)

I am sure you have adequate term life insurance and healthcare insurance for yourself and family.

You are ready to retire at 54 as planned.

Happy Investing!!

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

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This is my second attempt at SSC CGL, and I’ve improved since last year. But I’m still anxious about the descriptive paper. Can you suggest ways to stand out in this section and make my essay and letter writing more impactful?
Ans: The SSC CGL descriptive paper requires a clear, structured, and effective presentation. To improve your essay writing skills, review the subject matter thoroughly and avoid deviations from the central theme. Sketch an initial outline and adhere to a straightforward framework, including an Introduction, Body, and Conclusion. Start with a hook and express your thesis or stance in a concise manner. Arrange arguments in a logical order, using data, examples, and facts to establish credibility. Avoid repetition and maintain brevity.

In summary, concisely summarize the primary themes and offer a fair perspective. Avoid vernacular language and maintain appropriate sentence structure and grammar. Maintain a clean writing style and avoid overwriting.

For writing a letter, adhere to the conventional format, maintain clarity and conciseness, and articulate the purpose in the first paragraph. Use simple language and avoid intricate terminology.

Regularly engage in writing essays and correspondence on various subjects to develop adaptability. Stay informed about the latest news and hot topics. Develop time management skills and consistently proofread your work for errors.

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Asked by Anonymous - Jan 05, 2025Hindi
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How to manage stress?
Ans: The first step is to become aware of what triggers your stress. This self-awareness allows you to address the root causes rather than just the symptoms. Once you identify these triggers, you can start exploring techniques that help you cope effectively.

One effective approach is to incorporate regular self-care practices into your daily routine. This could include activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. These practices not only help calm the mind but also improve your overall mood and resilience to stress.

Talking to someone you trust, whether a friend, family member, or professional, can also be a powerful way to manage stress. Sharing your feelings and experiences helps lighten the emotional load and provides different perspectives that might help you navigate your challenges more effectively.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi
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Dear Counselor, My husband and I have been together for 11 years, with 10 years of dating and 1 year of marriage. Unfortunately, our relationship has been strained over the past year due to financial disagreements. Before marriage, we discussed his personal loan, which was taken for a land purchase for his mother. The loan repayment amounts to 30% of his salary. He assured me that, except for this loan repayment, he would not contribute financially to his parents' expenses until the loan was paid off. However, his parents are now pressuring him to increase his financial support by 20%. They claim to need help clearing their debts, despite being below 45, physically fit, and earning a sufficient income to support themselves. This situation is causing tension in our marriage, as we had planned to save and invest together, having no property or financial security of our own. I'm finding it challenging to understand why my husband is not prioritizing our financial goals and future together. please help me on this. Thank you for your time and guidance.
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Start by having a calm and honest conversation with your husband. Express your feelings without blame, focusing on how the situation affects both of you and your shared goals. It’s important that he understands your perspective and how the financial strain is impacting not only your plans but also your emotional well-being.

Encourage him to discuss his feelings and the pressure he’s experiencing from his parents. Sometimes, partners may feel caught between their familial obligations and their commitments to their spouse, leading to stress and internal conflict. Understanding his point of view can help you find common ground.

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Kanchan Rai  |493 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I met my ex wife in the college where we both were pursuing out studies. We exchanged contacts and started speaking over phone like couple does. When we fall in live we ourselves don't know as no one propose to each other. As i finished my studies, she quit studies in the middle and decided to do hotel management course. Amd it so happened, next day her interview was lined up but unfortunately due to unavoidable circumstances she has to go to her native place. As Covid struck she git stuck in her native place and couldn't come back. And when everything became normal i insisted her to come but her mom was not allowing. After a lot of struggle her mom allowed her and she came back. In this course of time both families was aware about our relationship. My mom was against her because of 2 reasons, 1) Intercaste 2) She was from very poor and low caste background. Them too i continued the relationship and i convinced to my sister and she convinced to mom. And when she was in native place, she said once that her voice has gone has gone she need 50k for operation. I trying madly to arrange funds and one of my friend told me that she is playing with you be careful but as i was blind in love i necer listened him. When she came to Mumbai i arranged a pg accommodation for her for some time and i use to take her out for dinner as there use to be regular fights with owner. Somehow i convinced my mom and shifted her to my place. There use to be fights but we use to care for each other also at the same time. She started to do events and slowly and steadily started to work in media. She was well aware that i dont like girls working media then too i have her permission to work in media temporary. I went against everyone, my family and friend and after 7yrs of relationship we decided to get marry and it was working fine. After marriage fight increased and she used to taunt though i did so much for her. Once she was not well and as she used to taunt me i never took care of her. One day my dear friend told me to check her phone, she might be seeing someone. And when i checked she was having an affair with Assistant director, i saw msgs photos. And when i confronted she said "He is just a friend and we talk normally" I saw they both on one bed and when i forward their pics to her mom she said "There might be some problem in you only." And when i asked to my ex wife about all this she said "A person goes where he or she gets love and care" All this happened within 6-8 months of our marriage. When i came to know about all this i tod her to leave my house and she was asking for divorce because of my mon's behavior also. I think i should have not tell her to leave as when she left i don't know but i love her very much. I even told her to give me one chance as i gave her but she didn't stopped talking with her bf. And she didn't gave me a chance and went away. We have been legally divorced but still i love her and ready to accept her. But she doesn't want to come back. I am trying to forget her but couldn't. Luckily we don't have kids. Sometimes my heart says let her go she cheated you. Sometimes it says i love now also. I am struggling to forgot her as i am in contact now also. Please suggest. Thank you
Ans: it's important to acknowledge and honor the love you felt and still feel. Love doesn’t simply disappear overnight, and it’s natural to have lingering emotions, especially when you’ve shared so much history and effort to keep the relationship going. However, it’s also crucial to recognize the harm and hurt caused by her actions and the unresolved issues that led to the breakdown of your marriage.

The fact that she chose not to return and continues to maintain contact with the person she was involved with suggests that she has moved on emotionally, even if you haven’t. Holding onto hope for reconciliation can keep you trapped in a cycle of pain and longing, which makes it harder to heal and move forward.

Your heart and mind are sending you mixed signals because you’re torn between the love you still feel and the reality of the betrayal. This is a common struggle after a significant loss, but it’s important to focus on what’s best for your emotional well-being. Continuing to be in contact with her may be preventing you from healing fully. It might be beneficial to create some distance, at least temporarily, to allow yourself the space to process your feelings and begin the healing process.

Focusing on yourself and your own growth is essential. Consider engaging in activities that bring you joy, spending time with supportive friends and family, and possibly seeking professional counseling to help you work through your emotions and develop strategies to move forward.

Letting go is difficult, especially when you still have love for someone, but it’s a crucial step towards healing. Accepting that the relationship has ended and focusing on your future can help you find peace and eventually open the door to new possibilities for love and happiness.
Asked on - Jan 15, 2025 | Answered on Jan 15, 2025
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Thank you very much for ur reply. But i am finding difficult to forget her.
Ans: It might be helpful to focus on the following steps to move forward:

Acceptance: Accept that the relationship has ended and that continuing to hold on to it may be preventing you from healing. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to stop loving her immediately, but it does mean recognizing that the relationship is no longer viable.
Self-Care: Prioritize your emotional well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can help you through this process. Consider exploring new hobbies or interests that can redirect your focus and bring positive energy into your life.
Boundaries: It might be time to set boundaries with your ex-wife, especially if staying in contact is causing you more pain. Taking a step back from communication can provide the space you need to heal and gain clarity.
Professional Support: Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings and guide you through the healing journey. Professional support can offer valuable tools and strategies to navigate the complex emotions you’re experiencing.
Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to grieve the loss of the relationship. With patience and self-compassion, you can move forward, find peace, and eventually open yourself up to new possibilities and happiness in life.

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Kanchan

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
My partner and I are from different cultural backgrounds. She has always felt a strong spiritual connection to events like the Kumbh Mela. Earlier this year, while booking the tickets she had asked if I would like to join her as she is travelling solo. While I respect her beliefs, I refused to join because I am not a religious person. Now that she has booked her tickets, I am worried about her safety. Should I tell her to cancel her trip? I don't want her to think that I am disrespecting her choices or religion. Or should I just tag along and make her feel safe? How do I address these concerns and have a healthy conversation?
Ans: Start by having an honest conversation with her. Share your feelings about her safety in a caring and non-confrontational way. Let her know that your concern comes from a place of love and care, not from a lack of respect for her spiritual journey. It’s important to express that you understand her desire to attend the Kumbh Mela and that you support her connection to this event.

If you’re considering joining her, it could be a gesture of solidarity and support, even if you’re not personally invested in the spiritual aspect. However, it’s crucial to approach this as a way to share the experience together and ensure her safety, rather than as an obligation or with reluctance. If you decide to join her, communicate that you’re doing so because you want to be there for her, which could strengthen your relationship.

On the other hand, if you feel strongly about not attending due to personal beliefs, you can suggest other ways to support her. This might include discussing safety plans or staying in close communication while she’s there. This approach shows that you trust her decisions while still being there for her in a supportive way.

Ultimately, the conversation should aim to understand each other’s perspectives and find a solution that makes both of you feel comfortable and respected. Balancing your care for her safety with respect for her independence and beliefs is key to maintaining a healthy, supportive relationship.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |493 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi
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I am 42 Female currently, last marriage didn't go well, afraid of new start, I neither type of person who can go to club etc etc to "find someone" - What's the best way to move forward, Do we have genuine way of finding someone who can become reliable partner too (No tinder etc as again I knw myself now at this age, I can't) - Please guide
Ans: One of the best ways to meet someone compatible is through shared interests and environments where you feel at ease. Consider engaging in activities or communities that resonate with you. This could include joining local interest groups, volunteering, or taking classes in areas you’re passionate about. These settings not only provide opportunities to meet like-minded individuals but also allow connections to develop organically over shared experiences and values.

Another valuable approach is to lean on your existing network. Friends, family, and colleagues often know you well and can introduce you to others who might be a good match. These introductions can be more comfortable and trustworthy since they come from people who understand your personality and values.

It’s also important to give yourself time and space to heal and grow from past experiences. Building a reliable and meaningful relationship starts with being in a place where you feel confident and whole on your own. This self-awareness and emotional readiness will naturally attract the right kind of partner who values and respects you for who you are.

Remember, there’s no rush or specific timeline you need to adhere to. Allow relationships to develop at a pace that feels right for you, and focus on building connections that are based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared values. Trust that the right person will come into your life when the time is right, and until then, prioritize your own happiness and well-being.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |493 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

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My age is 48 years and i have one son aged 17 years and i am single son of my parents ,one and half year back my wife expired and upon insisted by my parents and close relatives i got remarried and she has one girl aged 8 years, after passing of six months she has started showing her true colors and it has become very difficult for me to continue and i want to get rid of this . Please guide me what should i do now.
Ans: Dear Dinesh,
it’s important to reflect on what is making the relationship difficult. Understanding the specific issues—whether they stem from differences in values, communication problems, or other conflicts—can provide clarity on how to move forward.

If you haven't already, consider having an open and honest conversation with your wife about your concerns. Sometimes, addressing issues directly can lead to resolutions or at least a better understanding of each other's perspectives. Counseling, either individually or as a couple, can also be a valuable tool in navigating these challenges and deciding the best course of action.

However, if you’ve already tried addressing these issues and find that the relationship is still untenable, it may be time to consider ending the marriage. It’s important to prioritize your emotional and mental well-being, as well as that of your son and stepdaughter. Divorce is never an easy decision, especially when children are involved, but staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship can have long-term negative impacts on everyone.

As you contemplate your next steps, it’s also important to lean on your support system. Friends, family, or a counselor can provide guidance and help you navigate this difficult period. Remember, prioritizing your well-being is not only crucial for you but also for your children, as they look to you for stability and emotional guidance. Making decisions that lead to a healthier and happier environment for everyone involved is ultimately the most important goal.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |493 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 08, 2024
Relationship
Hello mam.I know a girl since college days.She is married to a guy since last 15 years.Since last 3 years we had an affair.I did take her for granted after our 2 nd half 3 years of relationship.Since a year now she has been giving me some or the other reason such as she is not getting feeling for me,husband is taking much care now so cant handle our relationship,then she told she has some health issue and now recently she tells me she has been telling me indirectly since a year to move on as she was in a relationship with some guy whom she got attracted in a mutual connection.But now she has discontinued with him as well. We do chat on message and call sometime but now since a year she herself has stopped calling or messaging.She replies only when i message or call. I want her back in my life and improve my relationship with her.Please guide me to get her back and have a relationship with her as we had till last year.What steps should I take to win her heart back and make her mine?
Ans: The first step is to acknowledge and respect her current feelings and boundaries. It’s clear she’s navigating her own emotional journey and trying to find clarity in her life. Pressuring her or trying to win her back without considering her current stance may push her further away.

Instead, focus on open and honest communication. If you genuinely care for her, it’s important to express your feelings without being demanding. Share how you feel, but also be willing to listen to her perspective fully. Understand that love and relationships are mutual, and both parties need to feel connected and invested.

During this time, it’s also essential to reflect on your own needs and emotional well-being. Ask yourself if this relationship, as it currently stands, is fulfilling and healthy for you. Relationships can be complicated, and sometimes stepping back to allow both people space to understand their feelings can lead to a clearer path forward, whether that’s together or apart.

Ultimately, your focus should be on building healthy, honest connections and prioritizing emotional well-being for both yourself and the people involved. If there’s a possibility of rekindling the relationship, it will come from mutual understanding, respect, and willingness from both sides.

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