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Wife's Excessive Drinking: Husband Seeks Advice

Dr Hemalata

Dr Hemalata Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

General Physician - Answered on May 02, 2024

Dr Hemalata Arora is a senior consultant who practises internal medicine at Mumbai’s Nanavati Max Super Speciality Hospital.
In a career spanning over 24 years, she has focused on managing infectious diseases, critical illnesses and lifestyle disorders.
Dr Arora completed her MBBS and MD from the King Edward Memorial Hospital and Seth Gordhandas Sunderdas Medical College in Mumbai.
She is ECFMG certified, accredited by the American Board of Internal Medicine, Diplomate of the National Board and a DNB faculty.
She was honoured with the Paul Bunn award for her promising performance in the field of infectious diseases at SUNY Upstate Medical University, New York.... more
Rajesh Question by Rajesh on May 01, 2024Hindi
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Hello I am 46 year old and married since last 21 years and one son age 20. My problem is when I m away from for job and other reason. My wife takes excessive liquor day and night. all of our family members tried to advise her to stop her but she is sinking. she is very much addictive to this. Due to this my son is getting affected in his studies. We all are confused and distrubed. what should we do.

Ans: She will need urgent intervention. Possibly a rehab program. Can you first have her see a psychiatrist perhaps? Sometimes these addictive behaviours stem from underlying anxiety or depression.
DISCLAIMER: The answer provided by rediffGURUS is for informational and general awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis or treatment.
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Love Guru

Love Guru   |217 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 10, 2021

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Dear Guruji, Boss, I had a drinking problem. Wife refused sex till alcohol issue solved. For a year now, have not touched a drop. I swear on my mother. She is still refusing intimacy in bed. Or anywhere. I kept my end of the deal. She has not. We never had any problems in our marriage till I started increasing my drinking. Now I feel like going back to drinking. Need your help. Thank you, Tejbir Kohli
Ans:

That does sound unfair, Tejbir.

I think you need couples's therapy.

Your marriage has obviously been through a lot, what with your former drinking problem and your wife denying you any form of intimacy.

Please don't hit the bottle again; visit a therapist instead. 

 

Hi Love Guru,
My husband always watching porn stuff.
Too much.
Porn not getting translated to real life action.
Can’t too much porn be an addiction?
I am afraid one of my daughters might see him watching.
Need your guidance.
Fatima Zaidi

Dear Fatima,

A lot of people watch porn, but an addiction is a different matter.

It's when one cannot stop watching and does so every chance s/he gets, even in risky environments like the workplace or when one's family is around.

Explain to your husband that you think that this is getting out of hand and that you're worried for both his mental wellbeing as well as your children's exposure to porn.

He needs to be discreet and also ensure that it's not getting out of hand.

Such an obsession is not healthy.

Moreover, do you have a good sex life? Maybe if you're more adventurous with him in the bedroom he may not feel the need to rely quite so much on watching sex instead of having it!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1794 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 23, 2022

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 I came across while casually going through the news feed on my phone. I am 43 years old married for 20+ years and have an adult kid and a teenager (both boys). My problem is that me and my husband have been arguing tooooo much nowadays on his alcohol issue. Even though he is not a daily drinker or excessive one, per his doctor's advise he should not be drinking. He tends to make promises which he never keeps regarding the same issue. Ours was an arranged marriage and we had our 1st kid on our 1st anniversary and 2nd kids 4 years later.Now even the elder son has started to question his dad about not keeping promises to which my husband says that as a son he doesn't need to tell him how a father has to live and what he has to do. Now my kids have lost trust on their father and I have lost trust on him long back. I have come to a point where I am in the relationship only for the kids as I am unemployed and cannot take care of the kids only own with financial support from him. I have confronted him multiple times to stop drinking or seek medical help if need to stop, but he is adamant that he will not stop. I am now worried if the father son's relationship will get into a turmoil cos I don't want my boys to grow up with out a father. I am at a crossroad as to how to continue with life from here on. It would be helpful and kind of you if u can suggest me something to help convince my husband to abandon alcohol and save the family's peace and happiness.
Ans:

Dear L, I can only imagine what this must be for you. But don’t lose heart. Is there any reason that pushed him to taking to drinking?

Alcohol can make a person who he/she isn’t. What is said and what is to be done, can be forgotten with consistent drinking and the effects it has on the body and mind.

If he is drinking despite doctor’s warnings and it has begun to erode your relationships, either ask an elderly family member to talk to him (preferably a male member) or please seek professional help.

Whatever it is, at home, none of the members must taunt him or nag him or repeatedly talk about his mistakes or his lack of commitment.

This will only push him further away and back into his easy stress buster which is alcohol. Be patient and loving and keep your mind focused on his healing and coming back into the family as a changed person.

Wishing you the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 21, 2023Hindi
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I’m 41 male, married for last 15 years and have 1 kid. We were in a relationship and got married I love my wife and she also loves me a lot. We live in a joint family ,my wife is an alcoholic and for the same i ready apply divorce 3 time but due to my son i always gave her chance to change her self, but its high time now i apply 4 th time divorce, m i right or wrong??
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are going through such a difficult time. Dealing with addiction can be challenging for both the individual struggling with it and their loved ones. It's important to recognize that addiction is a disease and requires professional help and support to overcome.

Divorce is a serious decision and should not be taken lightly. It's important to consider all of the factors involved and to seek professional guidance before making any decisions. It sounds like you have tried to work through your wife's addiction for a long time and have given her multiple chances to change, but have not seen the results you were hoping for.

If you have exhausted all options and feel that divorce is the best course of action for you and your son, then you are entitled to make that decision. However, it's important to consider the impact that divorce may have on your son and to make sure that he is receiving the support and care that he needs during this difficult time.

I would encourage you to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or therapist to help you navigate this difficult decision and to explore all of your options. They can provide you with the support and guidance you need to make the best decision for yourself and your family.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1794 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 09, 2023Hindi
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Dear Madam, i am 49 and married with 2 kids (10th standard and 8th standard), my problem started we move to india and settled near my mother/sister-law and there is lot influence things happened alast 2 year and also i have drinking habit which i have overcome by attenting rehibition, but last 8 month i am staying with mother house due my health and now i ok, but every time last 3 months i asking my wife can we staying together but no proper answer and she away most of time on spiritualty, even i allow her go but she is not inform were about even after 20 phone call that triggers me and i drink and make my life diffocult myself, recently i have asked move alone with me and kids but again blaming for all the past thing, due to this i have flight my parents and brother which not keep peace to them....i am really confused and what stage they will expect me i know sure..please let me know any suggestion
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your drinking is the main reason why your wife cannot trust you again. Rebuilding that trust is going to take a lot of time and patience, Simply by saying that All is Well, let's move back together is not going to help.
Use this time of separation to rebuild that trust. Visit your children often and be the father that they didn't have earlier...be the husband that you were not earlier.
Actions speak louder than words...so, now focus on what you can do for your family that will make them want you back into their lives and this can definitely happen when you are staying away from them.
Allow them to slowly notice the changes in you and they will on their own accept you back...
A lot of work to be done...but anything for the family, right?

All the best!

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Dr Hemalata

Dr Hemalata Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

General Physician - Answered on May 02, 2024

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |11156 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2026

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2026Hindi
Money
I am 41, earning 1.6L/month, dependent family with a kid of 9 years. Home loan of 43L, emi 50k + 10 k part payment every month. SIP : 33k/month accumulated to 12 L Shares : 25 L ESOP : 10 L MF : 15 L Expense : 50 k EPF 12k/month Corporate health insurance. No term insurance, as company sponsoring 50L term insurance. Kindly guide me any improvements in the current strategy and an approach for passive income which would turn into active after the corporate career .
Ans: You have built a strong base already. Your income, savings habit, and discipline in loan repayment are very good. With some fine-tuning, you can move from “stable” to “financially independent with choice”.

» Current Financial Position – Healthy but Slightly Unbalanced

Income vs expense gap is strong. You save well.
Good mix of assets: MF + shares + ESOP + EPF
Home loan is under control with part prepayment – this is a big positive
However, risk protection and asset allocation need correction

» Risk Protection – Immediate Gap

You are depending only on company term insurance (Rs 50L)
This is risky because it stops if you change job or lose job

You should:

Take a personal term insurance of at least Rs 1.5 to 2 Cr
Keep corporate cover as backup, not primary

Health insurance:

Corporate cover is good, but add a personal family floater policy
Reason: continuity after retirement or job change

» Emergency Fund – Must Improve

You have not mentioned a clear emergency fund
Your EMI + expense is ~Rs 1 lakh/month

You should:

Maintain at least 6 months = Rs 6 lakh in liquid form
Keep in savings + liquid mutual fund

» Asset Allocation – Needs Rebalancing
Your current structure:

Shares (Rs 25L) + ESOP (Rs 10L) = high company/market risk
MF (Rs 15L) + SIP (Rs 33k/month) = good
EPF = stable

Concern:

Too much concentration in equity and ESOP
ESOP risk is double – job + investment in same company

You should:

Gradually reduce ESOP exposure over time
Move that into diversified mutual funds
Keep equity but reduce concentration risk

» Loan Strategy – Good but Balance Needed

EMI Rs 50k + Rs 10k prepayment is disciplined

But:

Do not over-prioritise loan closure at the cost of investments

Balanced approach:

Continue EMI
Reduce part payment slightly if it affects investments
Equity over long term can give better growth than loan interest saved

» Investment Strategy – Strengthen for Goals
You are investing well, but need structure:

Separate investments by goals:
Child education (9 years left)
Retirement (15–20 years)
Continue SIP but:
Increase SIP by 5–10% every year
Focus on diversified, actively managed funds
Avoid over-exposure to direct stocks unless you track regularly

» Passive Income to Active Income Transition
This is where you need clarity now (very important stage)

Phase 1 – Build Passive Income

Grow MF corpus steadily
Add some debt allocation closer to retirement
Aim for income-generating corpus

Phase 2 – Convert to Semi-Active
Choose one path based on your interest:

Financial knowledge → advisory / consulting
Skill-based → teaching / coaching / freelance
Business → small scalable service

Key idea:

Start part-time before leaving job
Build income slowly for 3–5 years

» Retirement Direction – Early Planning Advantage

You are 41, so you have time
Your discipline is your biggest strength

You should:

Define retirement age clearly (say 55 or 60)
Build a corpus that can replace at least 70–80% of income
Gradually reduce risk 5–7 years before retirement

» Tax Efficiency Awareness

Continue using EPF as safe component
For mutual funds:
Hold long term to benefit from lower tax (above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%)
Avoid frequent churning

» Finally

Protect first (term + health insurance)
Build emergency fund
Reduce ESOP concentration risk
Keep investing consistently and increase yearly
Start building second income stream now, not later

If you follow this path, your shift from salary income to independent income will be smooth and stress-free.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.linkedin.com/in/ramalingamcfp/

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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