Wife's Excessive Drinking: Husband Seeks Advice

Ans: Manoj Ji, With UP domicile, MNNIT Allahabad is the home-state NIT, but CSE/ECE are difficult; lower branches may be borderline depending on EWS rank. Better chances: NIT Patna, NIT Raipur, NIT Hamirpur, NIT Jalandhar, NIT Kurukshetra lower branches, and newer NITs like Meghalaya, Mizoram, Nagaland, Sikkim, Arunachal Pradesh. For IIITs, try IIIT Una, Kalyani, Bhagalpur, Bhopal, Kottayam, Dharwad, Kurnool, Ranchi, Nagpur ECE/IT-related branches. Use official JoSAA 2025/2024 rank archives for exact branch matching. Also register for CSAB Special Rounds, where vacant-seat cutoffs may relax. It is advisable to have the following options also as backups: AKTU/UPTAC counselling, HBTU Kanpur, MMMUT Gorakhpur, JIIT, Thapar, VIT-North India Campuses, SRM-North India Campuses, and Manipal-Jaipur. Additionally, reviewing JoSAA opening and closing ranks from the past 2–3 years will provide valuable insights and help your daughter confidently select and fill her preferred & maximum number of choices.
ALL the BEST for Your Daughter's Prosperous Future!

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Ans: You don’t actually want to choose between your parents and your boyfriend.
You want both love and autonomy. And that is a fair need.
The reason it feels so heavy is because you’ve been conditioned to believe that choosing yourself means hurting your parents. So even when you do something right for your life, it comes with guilt.
But here’s the shift you need to make:
You’re not choosing against your parents.
You’re choosing for your life.
Right now, hiding is draining you because it keeps you stuck in fear. But being fully open without boundaries leads to interference. So the balance is this:
Be honest, but don’t hand over control.
You can say:
“I respect your opinion, but I need to make my own decisions about my life.”
They may not like it immediately. They may react emotionally. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong—it just means they’re adjusting.
The real work for you is learning to sit with that guilt without giving in to it. Because that guilt is not a signal that you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign that you’re doing something new.
You don’t have to stop loving your parents.
You just have to stop losing yourself to keep them comfortable.
That’s the line you’re learning to walk right now.

Ans: What you’re experiencing feels overwhelming because it’s new to you, not because it is “wrong” in itself. In many joint families, things like shared spaces, open movement in the house, less privacy, and collective responsibilities are quite normal. People grow up with that system, so for them it doesn’t feel intrusive—it feels like family closeness.
At the same time, you come from a background where privacy, independence, and personal boundaries were natural, so the contrast feels like a loss. Both realities are valid. Neither is completely right or wrong—they are just different value systems.

This is also something that ideally should be discussed before marriage, but since it wasn’t, you are now learning and adjusting in real time—which is understandably difficult.

Now the goal is not to reject the joint family system or force yourself to accept everything silently. The goal is to find a middle ground where you can function without losing yourself.

When you talk to your husband, acknowledge his reality too. That will make him more open to hearing you. You can say something like:
“I understand this is how your family has always lived, and I respect that. But for me this is very new, and I’m struggling to adjust to the lack of personal space. I don’t want to disrespect anyone, but I also need some space to feel comfortable.”

This way, you are not attacking his family—you are explaining your adjustment challenge.

Also, instead of expecting a complete change, focus on small, realistic adjustments:
A basic level of privacy in your room (like knocking)
Some flexibility in daily expectations
Clear communication about responsibilities

In joint families, change usually doesn’t happen suddenly—it happens gradually and through understanding, not confrontation.

And one important mindset shift for you:
Adjustment doesn’t mean losing yourself completely.
But it also doesn’t mean expecting the environment to become exactly like your old life.

You are now learning how to live between two worlds.

If both you and your husband handle this with patience and respect, it can become manageable. If either side becomes rigid, then it starts feeling like suffocation.

So your task is not to “fit in perfectly,”
but to adapt without disappearing.

Ans: First, let me say this clearly: your desire is normal. Wanting intimacy, closeness, and a sexual connection with your husband is not “too much” or “wrong.” Being repeatedly rejected and then blamed for it can slowly damage your self-worth, and that’s what you’re feeling now.
But we need to separate a few things to understand what’s really happening.
Your husband’s lack of sexual interest for 2 years is not something to ignore. It could be due to multiple reasons—stress, hormonal changes, mental health issues, guilt, unresolved emotional conflict, or even disconnection from the relationship itself. But the real concern is not just the lack of sex—it’s that he avoids the conversation, shuts you down, and turns it back on you.
That creates a cycle where:
You feel rejected → you try to connect → he withdraws or blames → you feel worse → trust breaks further.
On top of this, there is unresolved trust damage from his past involvement with another woman. Even if he calls it “friendship,” the fact that it broke your trust and was never repaired properly means that wound is still open. Without rebuilding trust, emotional closeness cannot return—and without emotional closeness, physical intimacy often disappears.
Right now, you are living in three layers of pain:
You feel unwanted physically
You feel unsure emotionally
You feel unheard when you try to talk
That’s why it feels like you’re stuck.
Now, what can you realistically do?
You cannot force desire.
You cannot beg for intimacy.
And you cannot rebuild trust alone.
But you can change how you approach this.
Instead of focusing only on sex, shift the conversation to the relationship itself. At a calm moment, not during rejection, speak very directly but without blame:
“I am not just missing physical intimacy. I am feeling emotionally disconnected, rejected, and confused. I don’t want to fight, I want to understand what is happening between us.”
Watch his response carefully. Not just words, but willingness.
If he continues to deny, blame, or avoid, then this is no longer just a “sexual issue.” It becomes a relationship issue that requires intervention.
At this stage, a mature step would be to suggest couples counseling or medical evaluation. Frame it as “us” not “you.”
Because if he truly has no desire at all, he should be open to understanding why.
And if he refuses even that, then you have to face a difficult truth:
You are trying to sustain a relationship where your needs are consistently dismissed.
Also, gently reflect on something important:
Do you feel emotionally safe with him anymore, or are you constantly second-guessing and shrinking yourself?
Because intimacy doesn’t return in an environment of doubt, fear, and blame.
You have given 23 years to this relationship.
You deserve clarity, respect, and emotional connection—not confusion and rejection.
You don’t need to decide everything today.
But you do need to stop normalising this pain.

Ans: This is not a topic where one partner “wins” the argument. Having a child, especially at 42, is not just about willingness—it’s about her body, her health, her energy, and her life stage. Age does matter medically and practically. Pregnancy at 42 carries higher risks, and even if someone is fit, it is still a more demanding journey physically and emotionally.
So if she is saying she doesn’t want a child, she is not being negative—she is being realistic and self-aware.
Now the real question is not “how do I convince her,” but
can you accept her decision if it doesn’t change?
Because this is a fundamental life choice. If you want a child strongly and she does not, this difference won’t disappear after marriage—it will grow.
Instead of convincing, have a mature conversation:
Tell her honestly why having a child matters to you—not as pressure, but as a life desire. Then listen to her reasons fully—without trying to counter them. Ask her what she fears, what she has already considered, and what her limits are.
There are also middle paths you can explore together—like medical consultation to understand real risks, or even alternatives like adoption. But these should come from mutual agreement, not persuasion.
Love is not about changing someone on such a fundamental decision.
It is about asking: can we build a life together as we are?
If you can accept a future without a child with her, then move forward.
If you cannot, it’s better to face that truth now rather than after marriage.

Ans: no, it doesn’t automatically get better after marriage—in fact, situations like this often become more intense, because families feel more involved and more entitled once things are formal.
But the real issue isn’t just the family conflict.
It’s that you and your partner have started turning against each other while trying to defend your respective sides. That’s what creates ego clashes and emotional distance.

If this pattern continues, marriage will feel like a constant pressure point.

What matters is whether the two of you can shift from
“my family vs your family”
to
“we are a team dealing with this together.”

That means not attacking each other over family issues, not carrying every argument into your relationship, and standing by each other even when things get uncomfortable.

Your families may or may not fully accept things.
But your relationship will work only if you both stay united despite that pressure, instead of letting it divide you.

Ans: What you have described is not a small marital conflict—it is a serious breach of trust, emotional safety, and dignity.
Let’s look at this with clarity, not emotion alone.
You entered this marriage with hesitation, fear, and eventually honesty. You disclosed something deeply personal, and importantly, something that involved lack of consent. In a healthy partnership, that moment should have been met with empathy, protection, and maturity. Instead, it was met with judgment, withdrawal, and later, humiliation. That is not a difference of opinion—that is a failure of emotional responsibility.
At the same time, your husband’s conduct shows a clear pattern of double standards. He withheld his own past, avoided transparency, and yet demanded complete disclosure from you. When he later accused and defamed you, despite his own undisclosed history, it indicates not confusion but control and moral inconsistency.
Your decision to look into his past did not arise in isolation. It came after sustained emotional distress, repeated accusations, and a breakdown of trust. In such circumstances, people seek evidence not out of curiosity, but out of a need to anchor themselves in reality. So no, it was not ideal—but it was understandable. More importantly, it is not the central issue.
The central issue is this:
You are in a relationship where your vulnerability has been used against you, your character has been questioned, and your emotional needs have been consistently disregarded.
Also note his behavioral responses—avoidance, verbal aggression, solo travel without communication, maintaining explicit material from past relationships, and involving his parents in a way that damages your dignity. These are not isolated incidents. They reflect emotional immaturity, lack of accountability, and poor boundaries.
So the real question is not “Was I wrong?”
The real question is: Is this a relationship that offers mutual respect, psychological safety, and the possibility of repair?
Marriage can survive difficult truths, even past experiences—but only when both partners are willing to engage with honesty, empathy, and accountability. At present, there is no indication that he is willing to do that.
Before taking any decision, it would be wise to step back and stabilise yourself emotionally. Consider individual counselling, not to fix the marriage, but to regain clarity and strength. If there is any attempt to continue this relationship, it must involve structured intervention—such as couples therapy—with clear expectations around respect, truthfulness, and boundaries.
But equally, you must allow yourself to acknowledge a difficult possibility:
Sometimes, the issue is not what went wrong in the marriage.
It is whether the person you are with is capable of sustaining a healthy one.
You were not wrong for having a past.
You were not wrong for telling the truth.
And you are not wrong for expecting dignity in your marriage.

Ans: Hi Shyamal
ECE at NIT- Jaipur is possible. You will get CSE in DTU & IIITD

Ans: IIITs possible hai, Tier-1 k alawa. NITs milenge par north east k. Good branches are not possible.