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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1026 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 23, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
L Question by L on Feb 23, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

 I came across while casually going through the news feed on my phone. I am 43 years old married for 20+ years and have an adult kid and a teenager (both boys).
My problem is that me and my husband have been arguing tooooo much nowadays on his alcohol issue. Even though he is not a daily drinker or excessive one, per his doctor's advise he should not be drinking.
He tends to make promises which he never keeps regarding the same issue.
Ours was an arranged marriage and we had our 1st kid on our 1st anniversary and 2nd kids 4 years later.
Now even the elder son has started to question his dad about not keeping promises to which my husband says that as a son he doesn't need to tell him how a father has to live and what he has to do.
Now my kids have lost trust on their father and I have lost trust on him long back.
I have come to a point where I am in the relationship only for the kids as I am unemployed and cannot take care of the kids only own with financial support from him.
I have confronted him multiple times to stop drinking or seek medical help if need to stop, but he is adamant that he will not stop.
I am now worried if the father son's relationship will get into a turmoil cos I don't want my boys to grow up with out a father.
I am at a crossroad as to how to continue with life from here on.
It would be helpful and kind of you if u can suggest me something to help convince my husband to abandon alcohol and save the family's peace and happiness.

Ans:

Dear L, I can only imagine what this must be for you. But don’t lose heart. Is there any reason that pushed him to taking to drinking?

Alcohol can make a person who he/she isn’t. What is said and what is to be done, can be forgotten with consistent drinking and the effects it has on the body and mind.

If he is drinking despite doctor’s warnings and it has begun to erode your relationships, either ask an elderly family member to talk to him (preferably a male member) or please seek professional help.

Whatever it is, at home, none of the members must taunt him or nag him or repeatedly talk about his mistakes or his lack of commitment.

This will only push him further away and back into his easy stress buster which is alcohol. Be patient and loving and keep your mind focused on his healing and coming back into the family as a changed person.

Wishing you the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1026 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 67 yrs.old female staying with my husband.We have 2sons younger one is having problems with his wife right from the beginning of their marriage.They have a one year old daughter too.My son blames us for his problems as it was arranged marriage and doesn't talk to any family members.Once their fights led to preparation for divorce but at that point both decided to stay together and tried for child .Now the child is one year old but they behave same.This causes so much distress to me .Pl.help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Arranged or Love marriage; the two people in the marriage are responsible for how and what they experience in it.
Kindly don't take the trouble of accepting the blame that very conveniently your son is transferring to you instead him taking charge of his marriage.
If it was the case that the marriage was going on wonderfully well, would he have applauded you for finding him a good bride? No, right? So, how is it that when things go downhill, he thinks he needs to pin the blame on you...
Kindly ignore; let him realize his duties as a responsible adult and a responsible partner and do the needful. Your job as a mother and mother-in-law is to support them through the process of them rebuilding their marriage.
And even in your conversations with them, if you hear him lashing at you, be absolutely silent on it (difficult but not impossible) and then ask: What is it that I can do to support the two of you?
It will give him the message that you area not going to take the blame and that you are passing the baton back to him to handle his marriage.
Every relationship issue must be dealt with by the people who are part of it as a stakeholder. The rest are support staff...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1026 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I am a 35 year old female, married and having two kids. Our was a love marriage n some 8 years dating and married since 10 years. some days back while I was roaming in my bedroom I heard my husband discussing Thailad trip with his boy gang and the other person happens to comment "y we need to explore good properties as we just going to fuck around". this has made me feel super insecure, I went through severe depression , increased BP and all and had fights with my husband too n he was like it is their fantasy not mine. my question is then y u going to fulfill their wishes. I had super hard time with myself. now the point is when ever they are on call my husband doesn't talk near me or I happen to pass during their talks I just hear they discussing to run away n making plans to go aboard and chill. Point to note - he did not travel after all fights as his father too was not well and my baby too is small so I had to beg him to drop his plan. now his this despo friends just calls him n discusses these things. Also his friend toh went alone to complete his shit fantasies and I did not let my husband go because of this I am a bad wife in their eyes too. i m not sure if I m over thinking or How can I handle this or trust he will not go beyond his limits after drinking
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You either trust someone or you don't...There is no grey area in this...it's black or white!

Has your husband done or said anything earlier for you to actually not trust him? If YES, then your fears are justified...
OR is this a one-off episode where you overheard his talking to his friends? What if you had no heard the conversation, would you then have felt okay if he went along on the trip?
Your husband is not a child and does not need a mother to tell him right from wrong. If he really wants to 'fool around', he can do that in the same city too. And whenever you prevent anyone from doing something, invariably the mind is stuck on the very same thing. Instead, it's wiser to state your concerns to him and what exactly bothers you. what you overheard and how it will bother you if he is part of something like this.

So, a good place to start will be to ask:
Do I have a reason to not trust my husband OR is it my insecurities that are causing me these thoughts?

If it is the first statement, then you possibly are right from your point of view and you can assert your concerns powerfully and express your dissent about the trip BUT if it's the second statement, then simply express, trust and believe.

Trust is what relationships are made up of...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1026 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi i am 36 year's and my partner is 37 we have 2 young kids together. We have been together since almost 9 years. I am hindu and he is muslim we both are not much religious but our families are. We have been having issues continuously from last 4 years as he has been commiting adultery behind my back. He has issues with drinking, gambling girl issues and all this drama has been creating so much anger issues in me. He doesn't care anymore says sorry but again after a while i m faced with the same situation. I hv stopped talking to my inlaws as well coz they blamed me for all his short comings. I just staying in this for my kids, and also as i am not married to him legally i am scared about my kids future. What should i do pls help n guide me?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It looks like a very unstable environment to be in whether it's for your kids or you.
- Do you want to be in this relationship or not?
- If you continue, what are the compromises that you are willing to endure? How will this impact the children?
- If you step out, how will you care for your children and their future?
- Are you financially independent OR do you depend on your partner's income?

These questions will have clarity when you consult with a lawyer who specializes in separation related cases. He/she will be able to guide you with your financial security, what is possible and what is not and this will help you make any decision; especially given the case that the marriage has not been legalized as yet.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |276 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 03, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hey, I am married it's been 12 years, I have a 11 years boy. I did my masters before marriage I worked as teacher. I told my husband as well I want to work he said I can work with him in this college where he is also working. When I got married he said my degree is not eligible to work in this college that was geniune they need btech I am Bsc. So I asked I can work in other place and he said I can't. I tried hard but the answer was not all the time. I started with online classes basically working from home and I did it for 10 years. Now why I am so desperate to work? He never pays me anything he never buys anything whenever I ask he says you or your parents did give anything to me so I have nothing to give you. When this alliance came to me we asked them very clearly if they are expecting dowry. They clearly said they don't and that's the reason I married him. I am from a middle class family, and I was brought up like a happy kid. Here in my in laws home my mil drinks alcohol daily and uses very bad words. I adjusted and we shifted to other city for my husband job. Even my husband used to drink and confronted him and he reduced it mostly. Recently due to health issues he completely quit alcohol which was a god's grace. He has some medical condition where he is not actively participating in physical intimacy. He is very close to our son. They both love each other like anything. Seeing this I take every shot he gives me. But I think I am broken I wanted to fix it now I found a job and going my husband is behaving like I murdered someone and not talking and doing drama. Treats me like a maid and say do this house chores properly you can think about job later. I am a very enthusiastic person who wanted to learn now I told him very clearly that if he wants me quit job he needs to pay me. He refused and said if your can bring money from your home I will pay. I said why would I bring money and give him? So he behaves very weird and sadistic like he never wants me leave house, not atleast without telling him. He hide bike keys when he comes to some city so that I can't go anywhere. When I was working online he used to come to lunch I kept everything ready on table for him and continuing my work if I forget to keep water on table he was furious and say I should concentrate on this instead of my job when I forget something to keep he disconnects the modem and hide it so that I can't work. I am fed up and I can't hold this anymore where I am not being respected, not given financial support, no sex, no good talk, only expect to make perfect coffee, lunch ,dinner and take care of home with no dirt atall. I told him I will file divorce now he asks for forgiveness and this happened many time everytime I say I will leave he will behave like a kid even touching my feet. I am doing psychology which is one of my dream he is against that as well but now when I reading I think he is very manipulative psychopath. My boy I very much into him. I am doing my job right now. We have no vacations no outing nothing. He doesn't want to spend a penny on us. I take my boy put he doesn't accompany us. He doesn't like outings he say. What should I do? I can't leave as my boy can't get seperated. I can't live with him coz I have nothing in this relationship just explotation. He will not let me leave coz he knows he cannot live without us. And no one care about him. How to deal with him to make home happy atleast to my boy coz his toxic nature like manipulation and threatening blackmailing is effecting me and my boy I don't want my boy to go through this or learn this from him atleast. He needs to know how to treat a wife the way his father treat is not right I want to grow him into a nice gentleman not like this father. What can I do for this?
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. Navigating a relationship like this can be incredibly challenging, especially with a child involved. It's clear you're dedicated to creating a better environment for yourself and your son, which is an important first step.

First, it's essential to acknowledge your strengths and resilience. You've managed to pursue further education, maintain a job, and care for your son despite the significant challenges at home. Recognizing your own capabilities is crucial as you move forward.

Consider seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide you with emotional support and help you develop strategies to cope with your husband's behavior. They can also assist you in building a safety plan. If you ever feel physically unsafe, having a plan in place to ensure you and your son's safety is critical. This could include knowing where you can go, such as a friend's house or a family member's home, and having important documents and essentials ready to take with you.

Additionally, it might be helpful to speak with a legal professional. Understanding your rights and options regarding your marriage and any potential separation is vital. A lawyer can guide you through the process and help you protect your interests and those of your son.

Maintaining documentation of your husband's abusive or manipulative behavior, financial control, and any incidents can be useful if you decide to take legal action. Keeping a detailed record will provide evidence that can support your case.

It's important to create a support network. Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can offer you emotional support and practical assistance. Sharing your situation with someone you trust can provide relief and help you feel less isolated.

Given your husband's behavior, setting boundaries is essential. Be firm about your decision to work and pursue your interests. Consistently reinforce your boundaries, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. This might provoke further resistance from your husband initially, but maintaining these boundaries is crucial for your well-being.

Communicate openly with your son about the situation in an age-appropriate manner. Reassure him that the issues between you and your husband are not his fault. Encourage him to express his feelings and let him know it's okay to feel upset or confused.

Your focus on raising your son to treat others with respect and kindness is commendable. Modeling respectful and assertive behavior yourself will be a powerful lesson for him. Ensure he understands the importance of treating others with dignity and respect, regardless of how others may act.

Finally, prioritize your own well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Taking care of your mental and physical health is essential, as it will provide you with the strength and clarity needed to navigate this challenging situation.

It's a difficult journey, but by seeking support, setting boundaries, and focusing on your well-being, you can work towards creating a healthier environment for yourself and your son. Remember that you deserve respect and happiness, and taking steps towards achieving that is not only beneficial for you but also sets a positive example for your son.

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