Hi I am 30 years old married for the past one year... recently i discovered my husband's younger brother aged 18 years peeping through a tiny hole through the bathroom door while I was bathing..i am scared and confused what to do.

Ans: It's understandable that your brother's feelings and concerns about the neighbor have been affecting him negatively. It's important to address the situation in a way that promotes a healthier and more peaceful environment for him. Here are some suggestions on how to handle this situation:

Encourage Open Communication: Talk to your brother openly about his feelings and frustrations regarding the neighbor. Encourage him to express his emotions and concerns without judgment. Sometimes, just having someone listen to his feelings can be very helpful.
Suggest Avoiding Confrontation: Advise your brother not to confront the neighbor directly about his feelings or suspicions. Engaging in conflicts might escalate the situation and lead to further stress and tension.
Distract from Negative Thoughts: Help your brother find activities or hobbies that can distract him from dwelling on negative thoughts about the neighbor. Engaging in positive and enjoyable activities can help shift his focus away from the situation.
Encourage Positive Interactions: Encourage your brother to interact with other neighbors or friends who have a more positive impact on his life. This way, he can build positive relationships and not be solely fixated on the negative one.
Suggest Seeking Professional Help: If your brother's feelings and thoughts about the neighbor are significantly affecting his mental well-being and day-to-day life, it might be beneficial for him to talk to a mental health professional. They can provide guidance and support to help him cope with these feelings in a healthier way.
Set Boundaries with Your Brother: It's essential for your family to establish boundaries with your brother regarding how much he talks about the neighbor. If your mother is uncomfortable hearing about it constantly, kindly ask him to share his feelings with a close friend or a professional if needed.
Encourage Empathy: Try to foster empathy in your brother by encouraging him to see things from the neighbor's perspective. Perhaps the neighbor may have her own struggles or issues that could explain her behavior. While this doesn't excuse any negative actions, understanding can help reduce his anger and frustration.
Promote Self-Care: Encourage your brother to engage in self-care practices, such as exercise, mindfulness, or relaxation techniques. Taking care of his mental and emotional well-being is essential during challenging times.
Mediation: If tensions between your family and the neighbors continue to rise, consider involving a mediator or authority figure, like a community leader, to help address any conflicts and find a resolution.
Remember, it's essential to address your brother's concerns and emotions while promoting a peaceful and respectful resolution to the situation. Being proactive in finding positive ways to cope with his feelings can lead to a more harmonious living environment for everyone involved.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Do tell your parents till they HEAR you! Initially, they may dismiss it as a misunderstanding on your part, but persist and keep telling them. Everyday...they may blame you, be upset with you, not talk to you or threaten you with something...BUT keep at it girl...
Someday, they will realize that they must trust their daughter and not the person who decided to abuse their daughter and then get away with it. If this guy gets away, he will try this again with you or some other innocent girl...so, speak up bravely and be firm with it.
If you have an older sibling or someone in the family who is closer to you in age, confide in them, so that they can also back you up.
And the next time, this person (cousin) visits, make eye contact with him when he stares...and ask him: Is there a problem?
If he has any ounce of shame and scare, he will leave or shift gazes. Most often abusers keep trying only because they feel no one can stand up to them. Once you stand up to him, he will cow down! Get back you power by actually feeling that you own your body and that you draw boundaries around it. Be brave!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Kindly stand up for your wife; your younger brother may not get along well with your wife or not like certain aspects about her but he has no right to talk behind her back and especially to you. Put an end to it so that you draw a clear boundary on this, one that he does not cross. Why are you expecting your parents to do the deed? You must step in and call out this behavior of hers as it is disrespectful to your wife. So, kindly do the needful...
Family relationships however close must have boundaries around them as they help in keeping them healthy and clear.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Clearly this is not the first time that your husband has been involved in 'something on the side'.
When he shows no remorse and no willingness to change his ways, obviously he's seeking a lot of validation from external sources. In this case, it happens to be the maid. (I hope you have sacked the maid already!).

Obviously with repeated instances of him going back on his word, the trust factor is in question. Does he even care? Your marriage is in a place where you must now either work on putting it back OR give him an ultimatum. What will work in your case, is something that only you will know...
Time to bring your husband to his senses; which means perhaps involving a professional to guide you. You may have to go at this by yourself, seek help in managing your husband and his waywardness. Then your husband will be roped in to deal with his deep down need for validation and succumbing to it over and over again. Then you can begin to function as a single unit towards making the marriage work. This looks like a lot to go through BUT the decision is yours.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/