Hi Anu,I am a regular rediff news reader.
I went through some of you post and I felt I can surely request you to help me in my situation.
We are married since February 2017. We had a pretty good life in terms of physical and emotional as well.
In Dec 2018 we had a child but after that there is a change in my wife's sexual behaviour.
She is willing to have sex; we do get involved as well also. We become passionate in kissing and all but unfortunately she doesn't get wet.
It's very difficult for me to keep my focus and I lose my erection.
Just want to ask you is this because of change in hormonal issue due to birth of child or is this something we need to seek a professional to help us.
She is really loving, caring and even she is disappointed with this.
We even had a conversation over this. I asked her if she is no more interested in sex or if she doesn't find (me) attractive. Her answer was 'nothing like that'. She is very happy with me as a husband.

Dear CM,

This is a common challenge that many couples I work with face.

Babies take away their freedom to become intimate and this causes a lot of tension between them.

So let’s break it down for you, yeah?

Your wife right now isn’t the same woman she was before.

Being a mom, and a full-time one at that, is a huge job. A seven year old and a three year old at home can only mean full-time attention to them and little time for herself. When a woman is focused on her role as a mom, she invariably forgets who she is or how she looks; her job as the primary caregiver is all that she knows and does.

She is invariably tired and will think about rest, not action, in the bedroom. This is something that I want you to understand. Be more empathetic towards this; maybe you already are!

Now, what you do for her outside of the bedroom will define what happens within the bedroom. So,
- When was the last time you complimented her on her good looks?
- When was the last time you offered to care for the children so that she could step out with her friends and have a good time?
- When was the last time you took her out for absolutely no reason and made her feel good about herself?
- When was the last time you volunteered to cook and take care of the home while she simply sits and relaxes?

Motherhood can be very challenging, especially when the children are young.

Maybe you have tried all this and I am not about to push you back and not consider your side of the story.

But hey, she’s the one who has carried the babies, so it’s natural she is going to be around them.

Do sit down together after the children are asleep and watch a movie.

Do ask the extended family to babysit the children while the two of you spend a day doing things that you did before the babies came along.

Be aware that as you focus on yourself and your pleasures, you might forget that she is missing them too and that, at this point, you can help her feel like a ‘woman’ again.

It takes two to tango. Nothing can be one-sided. It will only end up becoming a selfish act which I am sure you are aware of. Try what I have suggested and let me know.

All the best!

There's no rule about couples having sex twice a week, Vaibhav. That said, you should be in sync when it comes to your sex life, whether it's once a month or once a day.

What is her reaction when you do have sex with her? Is it grudging permission? To get it over with, so you'll leave her alone?

You haven't given me enough information to go by here, but I will tell you this -- it's certainly unnatural for a wife to get so upset that she shouts at her husband when he makes a move!

You need to speak to her and get to the root of why she doesn't enjoy sex anymore and move toward remedying the situation.

A marriage counsellor may help, maybe have it be a lady so that she's more comfortable discussing this particular situation, it being of such an intimate nature.