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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
A Question by A on Jul 04, 2022Hindi
Relationship

Hi Anu, Nice to contact you.
I came across many of your conversations online and I would like to share my life situation. If you could help in any way it would be a great support.
I am married since 4 and half years now but we have stayed together only for 1 and half years. Rest of it was purely long-distance relationship.
It was an arranged marriage and I entered it with great hope and dreams. I still believe I have had only bare minimum expectations from my partner as that of any young woman.
After the marriage got fixed I had to leave my job and stay at my hometown. He works in a distant state. We were all hoping that after marriage, I’d go and live with him so will search for a job later. Even during prewedding discussions the talk was that he will shift to a new home before marriage and after marriage he will take me along with him.
But two weeks after our wedding he left to work leaving me at his home with his parents in our hometown. He didn’t explain or give any reasons. It broke me. Those 2 weeks were wonderful and the best time of our marriage life.
He came after 2 months, rented a new house and took me with him. It was good although small and silly arguments would happen. He loved me and I stayed there for a month. We returned to hometown after a month. He left me there and returned to work in 1 week’s time.
I stayed with his parents (in between his mother met with an accident and I stayed with her for like 2 months). He took me back to his place for 3 months. When financial circumstances got bad, he changed. He stopped expressing love in any form other than getting me variety of food items. There was no romance, small talks or travelling outside. He sent me back to my parents’ place for 7 months. It made me really mad and we started to fight over the phone making us more distant.
He was facing financial crisis, I wanted to be supportive but he never shared his feelings or plans with me. I never felt involved. Without a job I went into depression. To sort things, I stayed with him for 9 months looking for a job. He never showed any interest. I stayed at home for all those months feeling depressive and insecure. There was no romance, emotional or physical.
He is perfect in his words and promises but never in his actions.
I believed and waited for 3 years. Then my in laws suggested a job but it was at my native place. As it suited my educational qualifications I showed interest and he said okay. I applied and got the job. Since then I have not visited him at his work place. It’s been 2 years now and I stay with his parents. Due to covid he didn’t come for home for a 1 and half. A few months ago he came and stayed for a week.
When people see us it’s 4 and 1/2 years of marriage but for us it’s not. Since we don’t have kids people are suspecting a lot. I don’t blame them.
Clearly not everything is alright.
My husband is a lovely person and he cares so much but I feel he is controlling me. May be because of his lack of emotional availability. But many things have bothered me a lot since our wedding.
My husband and I have never visited or travelled a place alone, ever. We never had a honeymoon.
My husband has never introduced me to any of his friends.
I know nothing of him through a third person, all I know is what he has told me.
These days he hardly calls me. I tend to get more frustrated and cry sometimes by sharing my feelings with him if he called very late at night. So he stopped calling me. When I asked he replied “when I call at night you are complaining, fighting and crying so I don’t call”
He is running away from situations. I replied to him “you know that I will cry and there is a reason for that. Instead to solving the situation and not to make me cry, you would rather prefer not to call”. He said “Yes”. So he refrains from anything that upsets him. Long time ago due to some misunderstandings I refused to be physically romantic with him and he did the same to me for months and years which is also why we don’t have kids. But I cant explain or share this with anyone.
I doubt about my future as I am scared that I will never be blessed with a life with shared love and romance.
I miss myself being in love and happy.
I miss my own very smile.
I don’t put all the blame on him because I know am not perfect. But am not that evil to be punished like this in my life. I do deserve some happiness.
He hasn’t abused me but absence of abuse doesn’t mean a healthy relationship. I have always felt lonely.
Rather than love I have felt more judged for my actions and thoughts.
There is not a single day in life where I do not think about leaving this relationship but it has become very difficult to picture a happy healthy future with him.
It has become hard to have a simple conversation with him now.
I hope for a healthy relationship in which my partner and I could be vulnerable to one and other.
Am I expecting too much from him? Is it that am not good enough for him?
Will this too pass? I am worried.
I would like to stay anonymous.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

These are your words that stood out for me.

‘I miss myself being in love and happy.

'I miss my own very smile.'

So, who is stopping you from these? Be in love, be happy, smile when you want.

You have tied these things to your marriage and have hoped that putting things together will bring a smile back on your face. As much as it’s true, it won’t be long lasting.

Now let’s focus on your marriage. What is this ‘being sent here, sent back there’?

What are you, some parcel/courier package to be sent here and there at will?

The first time that you felt that this being sent here and there was NOT OKAY, that would have been the time to voice it out.

Situations of a husband and wife being physically apart can come in anytime during a marriage. But this has to be handled with a lot of love and communication and not keeping silent and controlling it his way.

What has caused your hurt is the fact of non-communication from him, inability to validate your feelings, making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and his unwillingness to work on this?

Request a person known to both of you to mediate to set up a meeting if both of you want to be in this marriage and live in peace and harmony. If you don’t step up now, things will be emotionally draining.

Also, as a woman, you don’t have to feel guilty for saying that something is not alright and that you want things to be different. You do not have to mask it with a statement that ‘he is a good man’ etc.

Be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want. It helps putting things into perspective faster. STEP UP NOW and SPEAK.

Do that favour onto yourself please and also expect things to go the other way especially if he does not want to mutually set things right.

No matter what, know that strength from within is what will help you sort things for the better.

Be strong and value yourself. All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Relationship
Hello Anu ma’am, I’m 30 years old female, working at an IT firm. I have been married for a year now. The marriage with my husband was arranged by our family members. I met him 2 months before we got married. We talked more during that period and the conversations were always pleasant and I felt care in them and finally made the decision that he is my match. Once we got married, things were good-to-okay in the first few months. I used to live with my in-laws and slowly noticed that he is moving away little by little. My connection with him started to feel weak. He and his mother would stop talking when I entered the room. I had to help more with house chores. I tried quite a lot to keep up with in-laws, husband, and work but soon sensed that mother in law and son have teamed up against me and everything I did was never satisfactory. The first thing that came up to my mind was to move out of the house with my husband and to start our relationship afresh. He didn’t like the idea and for my work reasons, I moved out and to the city where I work (which is a 3-hour drive from where he lives). This made the connection even worse. I used to go see him once or twice in a month but the relationship felt strained so I moved back within 3 months. Around this time he downloaded some dating apps on his mobile. When I asked him about it he said he downloaded out of curiosity and didn’t use it, but I can feel the change in him. Within 2 months I started to realise he’s being secretive with his phone or iPad and is spending a lot of time with them either texting or calls. I also noticed that he is talking to someone during the night while he is sleeping next to me. I felt betrayed and shattered to my core. All the things I learnt for him, all the things that I have done for him and his family, all the time and energy I have spent felt useless. When I confronted him he never accepted it and says it’s all in my head. I gave him some time leaving it aside thinking he would bounce back once he is done with it. So I asked him to move in with me so we could bond and spend time alone. We moved in together finally but things didn’t go as I expected. When I leave for work he would either go meet the woman or worse bring her home. He continued it and I ran out of patience. I talked about it with my family and his. My family supports my decision with whatever I would want to do and his family would back him up saying that they have brought their son up my utmost values and he wouldn’t do such a thing. So finally they have sent us back to our homes hoping things will be fine. He still talks to the woman every night and God knows how many times I cannot make it out in the day time. I’m sorry it’s a long read for you but I wasn’t sure what to express and what not to, for you to help me with a suggestion.I have tried to catch his act using technology but he is too clever to be caught. Trust me, I’m a tech lead at an IT firm and I have tried a lot of methods to catch him but all of them are valid-invalid proofs and he is quite a story teller to make them all look null.I feel nothing inside most of the times and simply want to come out of this but not without showing his true form. For once, I want to win. Win huge this way. If you can help me out I will be grateful for that. Please keep me anonymous if you could.Thanks a lot for reading this.
Ans:

Dear TK,

Thank you for sharing so clearly; it certainly helps me guide in the best possible manner.

If you feel that he is infidel, the there is no necessity to go around looking for proof.

What will proving that give you?

Even if you showed it all to his parents what is the guarantee that they will not turn it around and blame you for it?

That you should not have moved out and that’s why he needed the comfort of other women.

Quit focusing on proving his infidelity and focus on more what you want at this point in time.

Do you want to continue in this marriage?

If NO, exit in the most graceful manner because the stress from all the pulling down or Win that you are looking for is strenuous and of no use. It will only appease your EGO which anyway is short-lived.

But of course, if you are in the process of negotiating terms during divorce proceedings; this proof maybe valuable to have a better WIN. I hope I have succeeded in differentiating both types of WINs so you get a clearer picture.

Now coming to how you must deal with your mind space is as simple as listing down what is important to you.

Is it dwelling on what he does or emphasizing more on what you can do?

When it’s the latter, you will think and act in a manner that looks out for you and how you can keep yourself in an optimum mind space.

So, start focusing on what makes you happy and stick to that.

When you are ready to move on, make it graceful and if there seems to be a problem with negotiation, the proof that you have collected with a sane sense of mind will come in handy.

I assume that there are no children involved but if there are, take into consideration how they will cope with any decision of yours.

Bottom Line: Learn to live your life and focus on what’s important. I am confident that you can do this NOW.

All the best for a beautiful mind space!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Dear Anu, I'm studying BTech final year. My love and I were in a relationship since 5 years. Things were fine till our diploma. I got a seat in another college which was far from our place. At the same time, he moved to his hometown for house construction. There he met a girl. She is 34. He used to talk a lot to her and got attached to her. He tells everything to me. He even said that people were spreading wrong rumours about them. I told him to stay away till things got better. Since then he has stopped telling me much. There was a recent fight in his hometown relating to both of them which annoyed him. He continues to say there is nothing wrong between both of us. He used to love me a lot. Whenever I felt insecure or if there was any mood swings he used to make me calm and relaxed. Now-a-days he always tells me ‘Wait. Don't call me.’ If I call him more, he just scolds me. There are no sweet talks or setting time aside for a call, and all. He even says ‘I promised that I'll be with her at any time in any problem and now because everyone is spreading rumours I can't break my promise to her.’ What about me? Didn't you promise to make me happy? I feel betrayed.I got angry and told him that my parents are seeing matches for me. His reply shook me. He said: 'Go, get married.’ I was like ‘you aren't the same.’ I don't understand what to do or how to set things right.My mental health is getting worse.
Ans:

Dear S,

Your letter is very confusing to me.

I hope your post is genuine and not just to have fun…despite that I will consider it real and try to suggest what I can though I find your facts very contradictory.

Keeping the age factor aside, what I can say is: if someone does not treat you well, what’s the point waiting for that person?

If he isn’t interested in you, why are you chasing him?

Please make your world better by being around people who respect and value you and watch how beautiful it all becomes rather than searching and begging for love. He clearly isn’t into you anymore. So, move on…

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 30, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu. I am 32 years old. I got married to a guy through matrimonial app. He was very good before married. He used to shower me with love and respect and gifts. I loved him dearly. We got married 3 years back and I went to his house with lot of dreams in my life. But the moment I got married, I could see a lot of change in him. He no longer gave me much of his time. He was very attached to his mother and sister. He gave them money to run his house and not to me at all. I did not mind him getting things for his mother and sister but just not buying anything for me used to make me feel left out. He used to say that to me that you are a working woman. So can take care of your needs. Anu, I could take care of my needs financially....but I too needed his care and love. He went to a different city for work and refused to take me till I contribute 50% in the house. It came as a shock to me. Where was the love that he once showed me before marriage? For everything he wanted contribution from me. Slowly slowly we drifted apart. I found the marriage to be like going 50 -50 for everything. And this year we divorced each other. I was heart broken. I still remember the good days we spent together before marriage. It hurts me a lot when I remember how he changed after marriage. Now my parents want me to look after someone to get married. But somehow, I have lost trust in men. What should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It has not been an easy time for you.
But do remember that every challenging time only makes a person stronger. This is not a pep talk but a fact. Now, you are equipped with knowledge on what you seek in a relationship and what is absolutely not okay in a partner.
Now, I don't say that everyone needs to go through all this to learn BUT you have been in it, so better to look at the brighter side.
So, why would it scare you?
All men are not the way you ex was...He came in as a showpiece with all the glitter and then showed his true damaged traits. We don't need to go over that as that chapter is closed.
It's a fact that you must heal from that first before you get into another relationship as the baggage from it will weigh you down. And every small argument in a new relationship will seem like the end of the world. Also, you will be on the edge to make it work at all costs.
So, first heal from it all...through that, you must also be willing to drive a new thought into you which is: Not all men come in the tones which my ex had. They can be be different and I am willing to give my new life a chance.
This will be a useful path to embark on. If this seems daunting, then do visit an expert who can help you heal and guide you into a new phase of life. But let that new phase be something that you decide for yourself whenever you feel ready. Till then explore the world, expand your social circle and gain your lost self back first. Things will fall in place...one step at a time!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024
Relationship
Recently, we had an Arranged Marriage. Before committing for the Marriage, we had a few Months of Courtship Period & got to understand each other well. He seemed to be a very Loving & Caring Person. Once, He asked me whether I was Virgin, I lied saying that I was, because I didn't want to lose such a Wonderful Guy. On our Wedding Night, he got Suspicious as I didn't bleed. Upon further Interrogation, I broke down & confessed the Truth that I had been Sexually Active in my previous Relationships, before getting Married to him. He got Disappointed as he felt Cheated & Betrayed. Since then, he's been sleeping in a seperate Room & not even talking to me properly, there's no Romance between us, at all. He'd also cancelled our Honeymoon Trip to Bali. He comes Home late, often having eaten out, doesn't ask me anything about my Day or even Care about me at all. He's become quite opposite of what he was, during our Courtship Period. Many times, I've tried to break the Ice & build some Chemistry between us, but he told me that he lost all Feelings for me, and he wouldn't even Care if I left him & his House for Good. He was Ready to give me a Divorce, if I wanted to Leave him. But I don't want to throw away this Marriage, I want to try & make it work, but there's no Cooperation at all from his side. He blatantly refused to go for Marriage Counseling with me. In the presence of other Family Members, he tries to act like a normal Husband, just to maintain his image in the Society. But when we both are alone at Home, he acts as if I don't even exist. Now I am getting frustrated, I don't understand what to do? I don't regret all that I did in my Past, I had the Right to Enjoy my Life, when I was Young & Unmarried & I don't owe any Explanation to anyone, about my Past. Now I feel I am being treated too Coldly just for a little White Lie. Did I really do something so Wrong that I don't even deserve to be Loved by the Person, I Married? If it leads to a Divorce, we both have got a lot to lose out on, hence I am trying to avoid the extreme Decision. But I don't have any idea as to how our Marriage can be Repaired & Rejuvenated, when my Husband is not at all interested in the Marriage? Please advise me what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you understand him, your virginity meant a lot to him...that was one of his core beliefs that one preserves their virginity until marriage. Now, he feels cheated as what he believes in has gone against him. It seems very old-fashioned to want the bride to 'bleed' on the first night and conclude that she isn't pure...I get your point, but that are his values...
Can he change and actually look at things differently and save the marriage? YES only if he wants to...he has to commit to it...

For you, the fear of losing him made you hide the fact. Who's right and who isn't? Neither! It's all a matter of the way you look at it; each one will hold their impressions as the truth. So, he's holding onto what he feels is his truth and unwilling to budge and make the marriage work. What can you do? Perhaps apologize for hurting him; he is hurt and angry, isn't it?

It may seem trivial and foolish to you that he gives this so much importance in this day and age. You can't shake people off their beliefs. Anything that you hide eventually comes to bite you; so act wisely...
- talk to him about how you feel about him and the marriage
- tell him what he means to you and why you hid the facts that was most important to him
- lastly apologize to him from your heart

All this may seem 'going over the top' BUT hey, you wish to make the marriage work, right? At times, going that extreme bit can bring back things...So, if there's a 'Feminist' side of you that seems to disagree, keep that at bay for a while and ask: Do I want the marriage?
If YES, then do what it takes...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Prof Suvasish

Prof Suvasish Mukhopadhyay  |790 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on May 22, 2025

Career
My son got 95.299 percetile in jee mains. Didnt appear for advanced as he is preparing fot bits. He got CS business system in Thapar. Whats the best option through csab counselling. Whats the order of preference
Ans: With a JEE Main percentile of 95.2, your son is eligible for admission to several NITs and IIITs through CSAB counselling. His best options would be to prioritize NITs with strong computer science programs, followed by IIITs, and finally, GFTIs. A strong choice would be NITs like NIT Calicut, IIIT Allahabad, or VNIT Nagpur, followed by IIITs with CSE programs like IIITM Gwalior or IIIT Delhi.
Order of Preference for CSAB Counseling:
1. NITs with strong CSE programs:
Consider NIT Calicut, NIT Kurukshetra, SVNIT Surat, and VNIT Nagpur, as these are known for their good placements and infrastructure.
2. IIITs with CSE programs:
IIITs offer specialized computer science programs and are a good option if you're aiming for a career in software development or AI. Consider IIIT Allahabad, IIITM Gwalior, IIIT Delhi.
3. GFTIs (Government Funded Technical Institutes):
These are generally less prestigious than NITs and IIITs, but can still offer a good education. Consider COEP Pune or other GFTIs that have good placement records.
4. Thapar CS Business Systems:
While Thapar is a good institution, it's important to consider whether your son's interests align more with a traditional CS program or a more business-oriented one. He could also consider upgrading to a better CS program through CSAB if possible.
Important Considerations for CSAB Counseling:
Preferences:
Carefully consider your son's interests and career goals when filling out his preferences. Don't just focus on the top-ranked colleges; also consider the specific programs and their faculty.
Cut-offs:
Check the previous year's cut-offs for each college and program to understand the level of competition.
Placements:
Research the placement records of each college and program to see how well graduates are getting jobs.
Infrastructure and Facilities:
Consider the quality of labs, libraries, and other facilities that are available at each college.
Location:
Think about the location of the college and whether it's suitable for your son's needs.
By carefully considering these factors and prioritizing the right choices, your son can maximize his chances of securing a seat in a good engineering program through CSAB counselling.

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