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Anu

Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
A Question by A on Jul 04, 2022Hindi
Relationship

Hi Anu, Nice to contact you.
I came across many of your conversations online and I would like to share my life situation. If you could help in any way it would be a great support.
I am married since 4 and half years now but we have stayed together only for 1 and half years. Rest of it was purely long-distance relationship.
It was an arranged marriage and I entered it with great hope and dreams. I still believe I have had only bare minimum expectations from my partner as that of any young woman.
After the marriage got fixed I had to leave my job and stay at my hometown. He works in a distant state. We were all hoping that after marriage, I’d go and live with him so will search for a job later. Even during prewedding discussions the talk was that he will shift to a new home before marriage and after marriage he will take me along with him.
But two weeks after our wedding he left to work leaving me at his home with his parents in our hometown. He didn’t explain or give any reasons. It broke me. Those 2 weeks were wonderful and the best time of our marriage life.
He came after 2 months, rented a new house and took me with him. It was good although small and silly arguments would happen. He loved me and I stayed there for a month. We returned to hometown after a month. He left me there and returned to work in 1 week’s time.
I stayed with his parents (in between his mother met with an accident and I stayed with her for like 2 months). He took me back to his place for 3 months. When financial circumstances got bad, he changed. He stopped expressing love in any form other than getting me variety of food items. There was no romance, small talks or travelling outside. He sent me back to my parents’ place for 7 months. It made me really mad and we started to fight over the phone making us more distant.
He was facing financial crisis, I wanted to be supportive but he never shared his feelings or plans with me. I never felt involved. Without a job I went into depression. To sort things, I stayed with him for 9 months looking for a job. He never showed any interest. I stayed at home for all those months feeling depressive and insecure. There was no romance, emotional or physical.
He is perfect in his words and promises but never in his actions.
I believed and waited for 3 years. Then my in laws suggested a job but it was at my native place. As it suited my educational qualifications I showed interest and he said okay. I applied and got the job. Since then I have not visited him at his work place. It’s been 2 years now and I stay with his parents. Due to covid he didn’t come for home for a 1 and half. A few months ago he came and stayed for a week.
When people see us it’s 4 and 1/2 years of marriage but for us it’s not. Since we don’t have kids people are suspecting a lot. I don’t blame them.
Clearly not everything is alright.
My husband is a lovely person and he cares so much but I feel he is controlling me. May be because of his lack of emotional availability. But many things have bothered me a lot since our wedding.
My husband and I have never visited or travelled a place alone, ever. We never had a honeymoon.
My husband has never introduced me to any of his friends.
I know nothing of him through a third person, all I know is what he has told me.
These days he hardly calls me. I tend to get more frustrated and cry sometimes by sharing my feelings with him if he called very late at night. So he stopped calling me. When I asked he replied “when I call at night you are complaining, fighting and crying so I don’t call”
He is running away from situations. I replied to him “you know that I will cry and there is a reason for that. Instead to solving the situation and not to make me cry, you would rather prefer not to call”. He said “Yes”. So he refrains from anything that upsets him. Long time ago due to some misunderstandings I refused to be physically romantic with him and he did the same to me for months and years which is also why we don’t have kids. But I cant explain or share this with anyone.
I doubt about my future as I am scared that I will never be blessed with a life with shared love and romance.
I miss myself being in love and happy.
I miss my own very smile.
I don’t put all the blame on him because I know am not perfect. But am not that evil to be punished like this in my life. I do deserve some happiness.
He hasn’t abused me but absence of abuse doesn’t mean a healthy relationship. I have always felt lonely.
Rather than love I have felt more judged for my actions and thoughts.
There is not a single day in life where I do not think about leaving this relationship but it has become very difficult to picture a happy healthy future with him.
It has become hard to have a simple conversation with him now.
I hope for a healthy relationship in which my partner and I could be vulnerable to one and other.
Am I expecting too much from him? Is it that am not good enough for him?
Will this too pass? I am worried.
I would like to stay anonymous.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

These are your words that stood out for me.

‘I miss myself being in love and happy.

'I miss my own very smile.'

So, who is stopping you from these? Be in love, be happy, smile when you want.

You have tied these things to your marriage and have hoped that putting things together will bring a smile back on your face. As much as it’s true, it won’t be long lasting.

Now let’s focus on your marriage. What is this ‘being sent here, sent back there’?

What are you, some parcel/courier package to be sent here and there at will?

The first time that you felt that this being sent here and there was NOT OKAY, that would have been the time to voice it out.

Situations of a husband and wife being physically apart can come in anytime during a marriage. But this has to be handled with a lot of love and communication and not keeping silent and controlling it his way.

What has caused your hurt is the fact of non-communication from him, inability to validate your feelings, making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and his unwillingness to work on this?

Request a person known to both of you to mediate to set up a meeting if both of you want to be in this marriage and live in peace and harmony. If you don’t step up now, things will be emotionally draining.

Also, as a woman, you don’t have to feel guilty for saying that something is not alright and that you want things to be different. You do not have to mask it with a statement that ‘he is a good man’ etc.

Be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want. It helps putting things into perspective faster. STEP UP NOW and SPEAK.

Do that favour onto yourself please and also expect things to go the other way especially if he does not want to mutually set things right.

No matter what, know that strength from within is what will help you sort things for the better.

Be strong and value yourself. All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Relationship
Hello Anu ma’am, I’m 30 years old female, working at an IT firm. I have been married for a year now. The marriage with my husband was arranged by our family members. I met him 2 months before we got married. We talked more during that period and the conversations were always pleasant and I felt care in them and finally made the decision that he is my match. Once we got married, things were good-to-okay in the first few months. I used to live with my in-laws and slowly noticed that he is moving away little by little. My connection with him started to feel weak. He and his mother would stop talking when I entered the room. I had to help more with house chores. I tried quite a lot to keep up with in-laws, husband, and work but soon sensed that mother in law and son have teamed up against me and everything I did was never satisfactory. The first thing that came up to my mind was to move out of the house with my husband and to start our relationship afresh. He didn’t like the idea and for my work reasons, I moved out and to the city where I work (which is a 3-hour drive from where he lives). This made the connection even worse. I used to go see him once or twice in a month but the relationship felt strained so I moved back within 3 months. Around this time he downloaded some dating apps on his mobile. When I asked him about it he said he downloaded out of curiosity and didn’t use it, but I can feel the change in him. Within 2 months I started to realise he’s being secretive with his phone or iPad and is spending a lot of time with them either texting or calls. I also noticed that he is talking to someone during the night while he is sleeping next to me. I felt betrayed and shattered to my core. All the things I learnt for him, all the things that I have done for him and his family, all the time and energy I have spent felt useless. When I confronted him he never accepted it and says it’s all in my head. I gave him some time leaving it aside thinking he would bounce back once he is done with it. So I asked him to move in with me so we could bond and spend time alone. We moved in together finally but things didn’t go as I expected. When I leave for work he would either go meet the woman or worse bring her home. He continued it and I ran out of patience. I talked about it with my family and his. My family supports my decision with whatever I would want to do and his family would back him up saying that they have brought their son up my utmost values and he wouldn’t do such a thing. So finally they have sent us back to our homes hoping things will be fine. He still talks to the woman every night and God knows how many times I cannot make it out in the day time. I’m sorry it’s a long read for you but I wasn’t sure what to express and what not to, for you to help me with a suggestion.I have tried to catch his act using technology but he is too clever to be caught. Trust me, I’m a tech lead at an IT firm and I have tried a lot of methods to catch him but all of them are valid-invalid proofs and he is quite a story teller to make them all look null.I feel nothing inside most of the times and simply want to come out of this but not without showing his true form. For once, I want to win. Win huge this way. If you can help me out I will be grateful for that. Please keep me anonymous if you could.Thanks a lot for reading this.
Ans:

Dear TK,

Thank you for sharing so clearly; it certainly helps me guide in the best possible manner.

If you feel that he is infidel, the there is no necessity to go around looking for proof.

What will proving that give you?

Even if you showed it all to his parents what is the guarantee that they will not turn it around and blame you for it?

That you should not have moved out and that’s why he needed the comfort of other women.

Quit focusing on proving his infidelity and focus on more what you want at this point in time.

Do you want to continue in this marriage?

If NO, exit in the most graceful manner because the stress from all the pulling down or Win that you are looking for is strenuous and of no use. It will only appease your EGO which anyway is short-lived.

But of course, if you are in the process of negotiating terms during divorce proceedings; this proof maybe valuable to have a better WIN. I hope I have succeeded in differentiating both types of WINs so you get a clearer picture.

Now coming to how you must deal with your mind space is as simple as listing down what is important to you.

Is it dwelling on what he does or emphasizing more on what you can do?

When it’s the latter, you will think and act in a manner that looks out for you and how you can keep yourself in an optimum mind space.

So, start focusing on what makes you happy and stick to that.

When you are ready to move on, make it graceful and if there seems to be a problem with negotiation, the proof that you have collected with a sane sense of mind will come in handy.

I assume that there are no children involved but if there are, take into consideration how they will cope with any decision of yours.

Bottom Line: Learn to live your life and focus on what’s important. I am confident that you can do this NOW.

All the best for a beautiful mind space!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 16, 2022

Relationship
Dear Mam I am 22 years old and today I want to share my story of heart break and I really want to know what I can I do better to make myself happy. I started dating this a guy in 2017 and I was madly in love with him. Everything for me was about him. Since I was living in a hostel I used to feel alone sometimes. Initially our relationship was normal. Then one day I went for a trip with him and we got physical for the first time. Somehow, I got attached to him more after that. I started calling him to my hostel to spend time with me. Meanwhile I faced some personal problems in my life. Those days were really bad and I used to suffer a lot. He was there for me always. He never made me feel alone in the city. I used to go to my family every year and then lockdown happened. I was stuck in my hometown. I had a fight with him and I just cut the call. From that day onwards his behaviour towards me changed.The very next day he went out with another girl and posted pictures. I was hurt. I didn't know what to say, I was in self-doubt mode but his behaviour started changing towards me.In the beginning, he said when you will come back I cannot come and stay with you. I agreed to it. Then he said I cannot meet you every weekend cause I want to make other plans as well. Slowly I understood that he wants me to stay away from his life. He went for a party with the girl late in the night and that triggered me very badly. I fought with him. I guess that was the moment he was waiting for. He said that he doesn't want me anymore and broke up. I kept begging him not to leave me but it seemed like he was dying to leave me. I was completely shattered. On 15th January he left me. Even after leaving he continued texting me. I was trying my best to control my feelings and I tried giving him the space he deserved. Still he kept texting me. He was not able to stay away from me. My vacation got over and it was my time to go back. This was the most difficult part coz this time I knew that he won't be there for me, and I have to survive alone. Once while coming back from my home town to my work town I texted him. He said that he is with the girl and he is drunk. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was shivering. I was broken. When I entered the city I was shivering cause I was not ready for the consequences. I didn't meet him because he went for a trip with that girl and got physical with her. He always maintained that it’s only after he left me that he got involved with someone else. He wanted me to be a part of his life somehow so he kept calling and texting me. Even when he was with the girl he used to come to my house every Saturday and go on dates with that girl on Sundays. I really didn't understand what was he up to. Meanwhile I went through her profile and came to know that she’s a little suspicious. One day I got the opportunity to tell him about it. He said come and meet me. He was drunk and we got physical. That time I checked his phone and saw the messages he’d shared with her. I was broken again but this time I texted her through his phone to please take care of him. That girl got angry and made things worse. Instead of making sure that he is alright she locked horns with him. He blamed me for losing her. I told him that my existence in your life is not good. Let's just not talk to each other. Next day he again texted me requesting to meet. In the evening when I went to meet him he was a completely changed person. He treated me very well, gave me his phone and made me feel special. Somehow he came back to me and started giving me the importance I was craving for. Today he is with me and pampers me. He has stopped doing certain things which he used to do but I get the importance.Despite all this, I am a bit insecure and scared because of what I have gone through in the past. Can you please tell me what to do?
Ans:

Dear SR,

Read this sentence that you have written:

“Even when he was with the girl he used to come to my house every Saturday and go on dates with that girl on Sundays.”

Do you not feel used and powerless?

How are you able to allow someone to treat you in such a disrespectful manner?

Did the two of decide to become friends and support one another in your respective relationships, like the way you stood by and watched him date this other girl while he walked into your life seeking approval?

Open your eyes please. The other girl is no longer in his life and he wails and comes back to you and now you are wondering what you should be doing?

If this was your sister or a best friend going through the same thing, will you tell them to put up with this toxic behaviour or will you ask them to take charge of their lives?

Will you tell them to love themselves more and reclaim their power or wait meekly to pick up scraps as and when the guy threw them around?

Stand up for yourself girl; at least he will think before trying this game with another girl.

Do the right thing by just being YOU and loving yourself more.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

Relationship
I want to keep it anonymous.I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.I made our families met and we got engaged.During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.We started fighting, arguing over petty things.He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.For 4 days this happened continuously.On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)
Ans:

Dear MK,

This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

All the best!

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

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    Relationship
    I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years. I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed. I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me. I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened. But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’ I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.' I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering. At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’ He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled. I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.
    Ans:

    Dear XY,

    And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

    Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

    How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

    This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

    What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

    Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

    Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

    Can you do this?

    Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

    Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

    Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

    Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

    Best wishes!

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |966 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2022

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    Relationship
    Dear Anu, I'm studying BTech final year. My love and I were in a relationship since 5 years. Things were fine till our diploma. I got a seat in another college which was far from our place. At the same time, he moved to his hometown for house construction. There he met a girl. She is 34. He used to talk a lot to her and got attached to her. He tells everything to me. He even said that people were spreading wrong rumours about them. I told him to stay away till things got better. Since then he has stopped telling me much. There was a recent fight in his hometown relating to both of them which annoyed him. He continues to say there is nothing wrong between both of us. He used to love me a lot. Whenever I felt insecure or if there was any mood swings he used to make me calm and relaxed. Now-a-days he always tells me ‘Wait. Don't call me.’ If I call him more, he just scolds me. There are no sweet talks or setting time aside for a call, and all. He even says ‘I promised that I'll be with her at any time in any problem and now because everyone is spreading rumours I can't break my promise to her.’ What about me? Didn't you promise to make me happy? I feel betrayed.I got angry and told him that my parents are seeing matches for me. His reply shook me. He said: 'Go, get married.’ I was like ‘you aren't the same.’ I don't understand what to do or how to set things right.My mental health is getting worse.
    Ans:

    Dear S,

    Your letter is very confusing to me.

    I hope your post is genuine and not just to have fun…despite that I will consider it real and try to suggest what I can though I find your facts very contradictory.

    Keeping the age factor aside, what I can say is: if someone does not treat you well, what’s the point waiting for that person?

    If he isn’t interested in you, why are you chasing him?

    Please make your world better by being around people who respect and value you and watch how beautiful it all becomes rather than searching and begging for love. He clearly isn’t into you anymore. So, move on…

    All the best!

    ..Read more

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    Ravi

    Ravi Mittal  |226 Answers  |Ask -

    Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
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    Relationship
    Hey love Gurus I am 24 year old male. Well educated and decent looking. But i have never had a girlfriend not had i ever kissed a girl. I have also never bothered much on this until my 20 year of age. But now for past year or 2 it has started haunting me a bit because I am scared of what would happen when i get married. I don't have any sort of experience and this scares me. I know it's too early to think of marriage but still I feel low when this topic comes to my mind. Please guide me. I really need a good advice Is it that I am thinking too much?
    Ans: Dear Anonymous,

    It's totally normal to feel anxious about the future and any relationship to come your way in the future. Here are some advice-

    • Be kind to yourself. You are not alone in this. Not everyone moves at the same pace. Some start dating early, some start late. Some have more experience than others. But everyone has to face firsts. While it is natural to feel anxious, with the right partner and at the right timeline, things often tend to work out better than we imagine.
    • Focus on building confidence. You are more than your dating experience. Pursue a hobby, socialize, work on developing new skills, work to improve your body and mind. Everything in turn will increase your confidence level.
    • Educate yourself. You can read books on anxiety or if you have a clear idea of what about a relationship or what about marriage is making you conscious, you can educate yourself on that part. What is known to us, rarely makes us feel anxious. We mostly fear the unknown.
    • For your future first relationship- take it slow. Communicate. What you are comfortable with, what you aren't, communicate everything.
    • If your anxiety is interfering with your day-to-day activity, I recommend seeing a professional. It's still early and nipped in the bud, this anxiety will lead to nothing serious. But if you let it take root, it might be more difficult to manage.

    Understand that it is okay where you are. Also, as you mentioned, you are too young to worry about it. But since you are already worrying, I am glad that you seeked help.

    Best Wishes.

    ...Read more

    Ramalingam

    Ramalingam Kalirajan  |3811 Answers  |Ask -

    Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
    Money
    I am 41 years old with a wife and a daughter. I am investing 1.75 Lacs per month in MF SIP and current value stands at 1 Carore 75 lacs. I have two properties with value of 40 lacs and 80 lacs each. My current salary is 10 lacs a month and my expenses including rent, schooling etc are atound 4 lacs a month. I am based outside India. Nature of my job in the oil and sector is valatile and i have never talen a loan for the same reason. I have at least couple of years work left in the current contract and I will either move to a new country or come back to Mumbai and will try to find a job afterwards, most likely with very less salary compare to my current salary. I would like your advise on my further strategy regarding eventual retirementetc. , my daughter is 7 and my parents back in India are dependent on me. Best Regards
    Ans: Strategic Financial Planning for a Secure Future
    You have demonstrated a strong financial foundation. Your disciplined approach to investments, combined with prudent financial management, reflects commendable foresight. Let's explore a comprehensive strategy that aligns with your goals and current circumstances.

    Current Financial Landscape
    You have a solid base with an impressive SIP portfolio worth Rs 1.75 crore. Regular investments of Rs 1.75 lakh per month further strengthen your financial position. Additionally, your properties valued at Rs 40 lakh and Rs 80 lakh add significant assets to your net worth.

    Earning Rs 10 lakh monthly provides a robust cash flow. With expenses around Rs 4 lakh, you maintain a substantial savings rate. Your approach to avoiding loans in a volatile job market is wise and reflects sound financial judgment.

    Family and Responsibilities
    Your family's well-being is paramount. With a 7-year-old daughter and parents depending on you, your financial planning must prioritize their security and future needs. Balancing your family's current needs with long-term goals requires thoughtful consideration and careful planning.

    Retirement Planning
    Assessing Retirement Goals

    Retirement planning begins with envisioning your post-retirement life. Consider your desired lifestyle, potential relocation to Mumbai, and a likely reduction in income. Estimating future expenses, including healthcare and lifestyle changes, is crucial.

    Building a Retirement Corpus

    Given the volatility of your industry and potential income reduction, diversifying your investments is key. Your current SIP in mutual funds is a strong foundation. Increasing this allocation gradually will enhance your retirement corpus.

    Exploring Actively Managed Funds

    While index funds are popular, actively managed funds may better suit your needs. These funds, managed by experts, aim to outperform the market. They adapt to changing economic conditions, potentially offering higher returns than index funds. Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to identify funds that align with your risk profile and financial goals.

    Regular Investment through MFDs

    Investing in regular funds through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a CFP credential offers several advantages. MFDs provide valuable insights and personalized advice, aligning investments with your long-term goals. They offer ongoing support and help navigate market fluctuations, ensuring your investment strategy remains robust.

    Education Planning for Your Daughter
    Estimating Education Costs

    With your daughter being 7 years old, planning for her education is essential. Education costs are rising, and preparing for her future expenses, including higher education, is crucial.

    Investment Options for Education

    Consider dedicated child education funds. These funds are structured to align with educational milestones, offering potential growth tailored to meet future needs. They provide a disciplined approach to saving for your child's education, ensuring funds are available when required.

    Systematic Investment Planning

    Continue your SIP approach for her education. Set up a separate SIP with a long-term horizon, specifically aimed at her education expenses. This will ensure a steady accumulation of funds, leveraging the power of compounding over time.

    Contingency Planning
    Building an Emergency Fund

    An emergency fund is vital, especially considering the volatility of your job sector. Aim to set aside 6-12 months' worth of living expenses. This buffer provides financial security during unexpected events or job transitions.

    Health and Life Insurance

    Evaluate your health and life insurance coverage. Adequate insurance ensures financial stability for your family in case of unforeseen circumstances. Given your overseas residence, consider international health coverage options for comprehensive protection.

    Managing Dependents' Needs
    Financial Support for Parents

    Supporting your parents is a noble responsibility. Ensure a steady flow of funds for their needs without compromising your financial goals. Evaluate their medical needs and secure appropriate health insurance for them if not already done.

    Estate Planning

    Plan for the future by creating a will and ensuring proper estate planning. This guarantees a smooth transfer of assets and reduces legal complexities for your family. Engage a legal expert to draft a will that aligns with your wishes and protects your family's interests.

    Navigating Career Transitions
    Financial Preparation for Job Changes

    Prepare financially for potential career transitions. Save and invest with an eye on the future, ensuring a financial cushion during periods of lower income. Diversifying your income streams and exploring freelance or part-time opportunities can provide additional stability.

    Skill Development and Networking

    Invest in upskilling and professional development to enhance your employability. Building a strong professional network can open doors to new opportunities. Staying updated with industry trends ensures you remain competitive in the job market.

    Strategic Investment Approach
    Diversification

    Diversification reduces risk by spreading investments across various asset classes. Your current portfolio is heavily weighted in mutual funds and real estate. Consider adding other asset classes, such as bonds or international funds, to balance risk and returns.

    Periodic Review and Rebalancing

    Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to align with your changing financial goals and market conditions. A CFP can assist in evaluating your portfolio's performance and making necessary adjustments.

    Avoiding Direct and Index Funds

    Direct funds might appear cost-effective due to lower fees, but they require active management and market knowledge. Actively managed regular funds, despite higher fees, offer professional expertise and strategic oversight. They adapt to market changes and aim to deliver better returns, justifying the additional cost.

    Planning for Relocation
    Financial Considerations for Moving

    Relocating to a new country or returning to Mumbai involves significant financial planning. Assess the cost of living, housing, and potential income changes. Create a relocation budget to cover moving expenses and initial setup costs.

    Evaluating Local Investment Opportunities

    Understand the financial landscape of your new location. Explore local investment opportunities and adapt your investment strategy to align with the local economy and market conditions. Consult a CFP familiar with international financial planning to navigate these changes effectively.

    Tax Planning and Compliance
    International Tax Considerations

    As an expatriate, understand the tax implications of your investments and income in both your current country and India. Stay compliant with tax regulations in both jurisdictions to avoid legal complications.

    Optimizing Tax Efficiency

    Explore tax-saving investment options available to NRIs. Strategic investment planning can minimize tax liabilities and maximize returns. A CFP can provide guidance on optimizing your tax strategy based on your unique situation.

    Long-Term Wealth Accumulation
    Leveraging Compound Growth

    Continue leveraging the power of compounding through your SIPs. Long-term, disciplined investing in mutual funds builds substantial wealth over time. Focus on maintaining regular investments and increasing contributions as your financial situation allows.

    Exploring High-Growth Opportunities

    Consider allocating a portion of your portfolio to high-growth opportunities. Equity mutual funds and sector-specific funds can offer higher returns, aligning with your long-term growth objectives. Balance these with more stable investments to manage risk effectively.

    Final Insights
    Your financial journey is commendable. You have laid a strong foundation through disciplined investing and prudent financial management. As you navigate the complexities of career transitions, family responsibilities, and future planning, maintaining a strategic and diversified approach is crucial.

    Continue your SIPs, diversify your portfolio, and prioritize long-term goals. Regularly review your financial plan with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to ensure it aligns with your evolving needs. Your dedication to financial security and growth will ensure a prosperous future for you and your family.

    Best Regards,

    K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

    Chief Financial Planner,

    www.holisticinvestment.in

    ...Read more

    Ramalingam

    Ramalingam Kalirajan  |3811 Answers  |Ask -

    Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
    Money
    Hi, Am 50 yrs old and my wife is 49..we both earn around 4.80 lacs p.a. We have invested around 1 Cr in MF, 1.5 Cr in FDs, 2 investment properties worth 2 Cr, 50 lacs in Equity shares, 50 lacs in ULIPs and 1 Cr in PF. Our estimated requirements are around 1.5 Cr in kids education, 50 lacs in kids marriages and monthly income of around 2 lacs after we leave jobs in another 2 yrs..pls suggest a suitable plan.
    Ans: Setting the Stage for Your Comprehensive Financial Plan

    At 50 years old, you and your wife have done exceptionally well in building a diverse and robust portfolio. With a combined annual income of Rs 9.6 lakhs, you have substantial investments across mutual funds, fixed deposits, equities, ULIPs, provident funds, and real estate. You’ve built a strong financial foundation, with investments totalling over Rs 6 crore. Now, as you approach retirement and have specific goals for your children’s education and marriage, it’s crucial to refine your strategy for the next phase of your financial journey.

    Assessing Your Current Financial Position

    Your investment portfolio is impressive and well-diversified, reflecting a careful approach to wealth building.

    Breakdown of Your Investments:
    Mutual Funds: Rs 1 crore
    Fixed Deposits (FDs): Rs 1.5 crore
    Investment Properties: Rs 2 crore
    Equity Shares: Rs 50 lakhs
    Unit-Linked Insurance Plans (ULIPs): Rs 50 lakhs
    Provident Fund (PF): Rs 1 crore
    Your asset allocation spans across different classes, offering a mix of growth and stability. This is a commendable strategy, balancing risk and return.

    Evaluating Your Financial Goals

    You have set clear financial goals:

    Children’s Education: Rs 1.5 crore
    Children’s Marriages: Rs 50 lakhs
    Post-Retirement Monthly Income: Rs 2 lakhs
    Prioritizing and Planning for Education and Marriage
    Funding your children’s education and marriages is a top priority. Setting aside Rs 1.5 crore for education and Rs 50 lakhs for marriage expenses requires careful planning.

    Children’s Education: The cost of education is substantial and increasing. Allocating Rs 1.5 crore ensures your children have the best opportunities. Given the time frame, a combination of safe and growth-oriented investments is ideal.

    Children’s Marriages: Setting aside Rs 50 lakhs for marriages provides for significant expenses without strain.

    Planning for Retirement Income

    You aim to retire in 2 years and require Rs 2 lakhs monthly to maintain your lifestyle.

    Assessing Current and Future Needs
    Given your extensive assets, you are well-positioned to generate this income. Evaluating your current income streams and potential returns is essential.

    Strategies for Generating Monthly Income
    Fixed Deposits (FDs): With Rs 1.5 crore in FDs, you have a source of stable, albeit lower, returns. Consider shifting some funds to higher-yield options for better returns while maintaining liquidity.

    Mutual Funds: Rs 1 crore in mutual funds offers growth potential. Actively managed funds can outperform and help achieve higher returns. Aligning these funds with your risk tolerance and income needs will maximize benefits.

    Equity Shares: Rs 50 lakhs in equity shares provide significant growth potential. Equities, though volatile, can generate high returns over time. A well-managed portfolio with regular reviews is key.

    Provident Fund (PF): Your Rs 1 crore in PF is a reliable source for post-retirement income. It offers safety and consistent returns. Ensuring optimal use of this fund will support long-term financial stability.

    Unit-Linked Insurance Plans (ULIPs): Rs 50 lakhs in ULIPs mix insurance and investment. Evaluating the performance and cost of these plans is crucial.

    Refining Your Investment Strategy

    Optimizing your current investments is vital for meeting your goals. Here’s how to fine-tune your strategy:

    Rebalancing Your Portfolio
    Regularly rebalance your portfolio to align with your changing risk appetite and financial goals.

    Equity Allocation: Given your retirement proximity, a conservative approach is advisable. However, retaining some equity exposure is important for growth.

    Debt Allocation: Increase your debt investment to secure stable, lower-risk returns. This can be achieved through debt mutual funds or safe instruments like FDs and PF.

    Mutual Funds: Focus on actively managed funds. These funds, driven by skilled managers, have the potential to outperform. Direct funds lack professional guidance and may not meet your expectations.

    Ensuring Liquidity and Emergency Fund

    Having liquid assets and an emergency fund is essential, especially as you near retirement.

    Liquidity Management
    Ensure a portion of your assets are in liquid forms. This provides flexibility to meet immediate needs or take advantage of investment opportunities.

    Emergency Fund
    Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses. This safeguards against unexpected events without disrupting your investment strategy.

    Tax Efficiency in Retirement Planning

    Tax-efficient strategies can enhance your post-retirement income. Here are ways to optimize your tax liability:

    Maximizing Tax Benefits
    Utilize all available tax exemptions and deductions. Investments in tax-saving instruments under Section 80C, 80D, and others can reduce your taxable income.

    Tax-Efficient Withdrawals
    Plan your withdrawals to minimize tax impact. Structured withdrawals from PF, ULIPs, and capital gains on mutual funds and equities can lower your tax burden.

    Reviewing Insurance and ULIPs

    Your ULIPs mix insurance with investments. Given the costs and returns, evaluate if they still serve your needs.

    Evaluating ULIPs
    ULIPs often come with high charges and lower returns compared to mutual funds. Assess the performance and consider redeeming if they underperform.

    Insurance Needs
    Ensure adequate life and health insurance coverage. As your financial situation evolves, adjust your coverage to protect against unforeseen risks.

    Strategizing for Your Investment Properties

    Your investment properties are valuable assets but are less liquid.

    Managing Investment Properties
    Real estate provides rental income and capital appreciation but lacks liquidity. Consider the role these properties play in your overall strategy. Focus on maintaining them or plan for eventual liquidation if needed.

    Rental Income
    Leverage rental income to support your retirement. It provides a steady cash flow to meet your monthly expenses.

    Creating a Sustainable Withdrawal Strategy

    A sustainable withdrawal strategy ensures your funds last throughout your retirement.

    Safe Withdrawal Rate
    Adopt a withdrawal rate that balances longevity and income needs. A common approach is the 4% rule, but customize it based on your specific requirements.

    Structured Withdrawals
    Plan withdrawals from different asset classes to maintain a balance between growth and security. Start with lower-risk assets and gradually tap into higher-risk investments.

    Regular Reviews and Professional Guidance

    Regularly reviewing your financial plan ensures it remains aligned with your goals.

    Annual Financial Reviews
    Conduct annual reviews of your portfolio. This keeps your investments aligned with your evolving financial needs and market conditions.

    Certified Financial Planner (CFP) Guidance
    Consulting a CFP provides professional insights tailored to your situation. They help optimize your strategy, address complex issues, and ensure long-term success.

    Final Insights

    You have built a strong financial base with diverse investments. As you prepare for retirement, refining your strategy is essential to meet your specific goals for education, marriage, and monthly income.

    Continue leveraging your assets effectively. Focus on optimizing your portfolio, maintaining liquidity, and planning tax-efficient withdrawals. Your disciplined approach and clear objectives will guide you towards a secure and fulfilling retirement.

    Best Regards,

    K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

    Chief Financial Planner,

    www.holisticinvestment.in

    ...Read more

    DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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