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Should I stay in a controlling relationship with my boyfriend who won't marry me?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |433 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 03, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024Hindi
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Madam am working women of age 28 working for past 5 years , I am in living relationship with my boyfriend who is 38 now. I want to do marriage and settle now but my partner doesn't feel necessary to do marriage and if I force he is telling he will do court marriage which am not interested to do. He is not ready to meet or convince my parents for marriage . I have given him money for buying a property which I was least interested. He started controlling all my finances which I felt incorrect so I questioned him which made his ego hurt and he has hit me twice. My parents are now telling me to get married but I don't know what to do. Sometimes when he ia not around I tried talking to other guys in dating app which afterwards am feeling guilty for cheating him. Nowadays I lost interest in everything I don't have courage to end my life so not able to concentrate on my work. Please tell me what I need to do to correct my path as it's getting hell day by day.

Ans: Right now, it might be helpful to take a step back from the relationship to regain your sense of self and control over your life. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or even a counselor could help you find clarity, and having a support system can make it easier to make decisions that protect your well-being.

It’s understandable that you feel torn, especially since you’ve invested years and finances into this relationship. But it’s important to remember that you deserve a relationship where you feel valued, safe, and equal. The feelings of guilt about talking to others on dating apps are natural, but they’re also a sign that you might be searching for connection and respect that you’re not receiving in your current relationship.

Consider reclaiming control over your finances immediately. Seek guidance on how to separate your financial dealings from him, as it’s essential for you to be able to support and manage yourself independently. Ending this relationship might be difficult, but it could also give you the freedom to rebuild your confidence, focus on your goals, and find the stability and respect you deserve.

It’s clear that you’re strong enough to make changes; the courage you’ve shown in questioning his control and sharing your story here is proof. With the support of loved ones and professionals, you can find a way out of this painful situation and start building a life that brings you peace and happiness.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1379 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

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Hi Anu I am 30 years old. I have done LLB and was not interested to practice in court so I tried to get a private job but I didn't get any. Then I decided to start preparing for a government job but I missed it. I started to doubt myself. I even had suicidal thoughts this was started when I was very little something happened to me when I was 16 since then I tried to kill myself and also tried to get involved with one of my friends in college. He liked me so much so we started having relationship. When intimacy started I became nervous and afraid. It is like itching. I want to run and hide in a safe place. He was very firm and honest and humble but didn't work out. After that so many proposals came. I declined. Now my family wants me to marry. I don't know if the husband would understand and give me some time to get involved with him. I don’t know what life after marriage would be. I am a girl with absolutely no achievement and am not proud of anything in my life. My parents are disappointed in me but they never show. What should I do? Pls do not disclose this
Ans:

Dear JV,

It’s possibly the incident that happened to you (which I understand that you haven’t shared here) is preventing you from having a fulfilling life.

I can only say that the incident happened in the past, but you are living it even now.

You were a victim in that incident, but to continue to play the victim even now is to give your power away.

How can you be happy by giving your inner power away every day and every moment?

Reclaim your life.

What’s happened can be blurred by moving away from that incident and reminding yourself that you are far away from the past and in the NOW.

  • Be grateful to what you have in the present
  • Make a list of your strengths
  • Write down your goal clearly by stating by when you want to achieve it

Remember bringing your past into the current time robs you of any goodness; professionally or personally.

So, to see something change, change the way you feel about your past.

Step out of the victim mode and become a person who has the power to change things at will.

I am sure you want to see how this pans out for you.

So, what are you waiting for? Step up and bring that newness of thought into your life.
All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1379 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 29, 2024

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Actually we both want to marry each other. But as he is younger than me so I was waiting for him to finish his studies and be of age to get marry. My parents have a problem with him first he is younger then he was my student once. They don't have their own house. It's the points what my father says to me and he says he knows something else also but he doesn't want to tell me. but we do elope from my house once because my father was retiring and it's my thoughts that he will now force me to marry someone else. At that time he was underage and not stable I was also not earning his parents convinced me that they will talk to my parents once he gets of legal age to marry and they inform my father to come and get me. There my father told them once my partner gets of age and if we both still wants to marry he will perform the rituals. But after that once I came back my home my father what he had told. I was previously depressed again It triggered me. Then my parents have done everything thing from astrologer to baba they was convinced I am hypnotized by my partner. I have tried many times to make them understand. Till today they never leave me alone at home. I am not even allowed to go out to shop alone. If I say so my mother sees me with questioning look. They thinks I will elope again. I am not allowed to take decisions till now. My mother take all decisions and she has told us this that if you want to live here you should live the way we want. I have two younger siblings everytime when I say them I will only marry him they trigger my younger siblings. Last time when his parents call to my father my father says false things about his mother. I don't know he may be interpreted wrong. But I was then convinced I will leave this house at last moment my father says things to me like if you want to go you can but I will call him and his parents I will insult them in whole society I will shave my head and told everyone it's because of you or I will kill him or I will kill myself and whole family. Them my mother started crying you want to spoil your younger ones lifeyou are this that. And I lost all my confidence all courage. Now my partner's work is growing so I have again gain courage I have decided to talk to my parents that I will marry and I will bear all consequences. It's my life and my marriage should be my decision. My father has said he will think. But I have decided I will talk to him again and again. But I have fear if he doesn't agree what will be my next step. I do want to marry. And I want family kids.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Kindly stop getting lost in all these details; then you start to lose sight of what the challenge actually is. It starts to become a very filmy drama and then you will become part of it and start to indulge in it and not move to a solution space.

If you think he is the right person, then do not make him wait any longer...But, what is interesting in your details is the fact that your parents feel that he 'hypnotized' you?
Is it possible that they have picked on something not okay and don't know how to stop you and say things like hypnotize etc? Are you absolutely sure that this person is genuine and the one for you? If YES< you know what is to be done...
I am still curious, the way you have been writing long notes here to me explaining how your family is not okay with this and why they are doing this and that, what exactly is making you wait? Are you still unsure and have your doubts? Why would anyone wait this long if they love a person so much like the way you say that you are? Kindly think...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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