Wife and Mother Not Talking for 26 Years: How to Bridge the Divide?

Ans:

What! Are you nuts?

Neither of them wants to live with the other. And this is within two months of marriage, so it's safe to assume there's zero compatibility between your mother and wife.

The solution to living happily and peacefully is to move out!

Relations between them have no chance of improving unless you do so.

And your wife is pregnant to boot... don't you want to support her during this time?

Let me tell you also, Animesh, your mother sounds like quite an ogre -- you yourself have stated that she harassed your wife and isn't even allowing her to move back home! Grow a pair and move out!

 

Ans: Dear Debajit,
A challenge that many homes have!
Well, you can't ignore both, yet you can't support either of them.
Aren't they both adults? So, why are you getting in the middle of things caused by them? The more you try and mediate, the more they get dependent on you to play the mediator but unfairly wanting you to support only them.
Grow out of this and the next time, they come to you complaining about the other, politely tell them to deal with it themselves. Initially, they will protest and accuse you of not being on their side...stick to it...
By enabling them to deal with their dirt themselves, they will also realize how draining it has become and some of the pettiness might go away. What remains is the bigger issues which they will come to an understanding as well.
Will all this take time? Yes, and it requires no interference from you whatsoever even if they don't talk to each other for days and weeks.
Relationships are unique and they belong to the people involved and under no duress must you be made to suffer, as this will become the norm and you can go through it for a long, long time. So, act wisely...enable them to handle their issues...

All the best!

Ans: What you could have done when you got married was move into your own home. Instead, when you got the chance to move to a new residence, you opted to live with your parents yet again! This ridiculous patriarchal mentality of a woman having to adjust to her husband’s whole family is the cause of most marital strife! You want things to improve, put some distance between them and move out! Ever heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I wish it were easy to forget...and it's a matter of choice whether we want to keep the past behind us or bring it again and again in out present moment. If your wife does not choose to keep the past behind, it is going to be a huge nightmare for you and especially you constantly having to mediate between your mother and wife.
Yes, since your mother stays only for a few days with you in a year, it is fair of you to expect your wife to 'adjust'...But she is unwilling, so what do you do?
If you can afford to keep your mother in a separate room and have someone care for her just for those 20 days, it will keep your wife away and having to do anything with your mother. So, your mother's needs are taken care of AND your wife has nothing to do with her.
You cannot force anyone to like someone else and that's what is happening at your home. Your wife has her reasons and your mother would have had hers when she was playing the active role of a mother-in-law. Let bygones be bygones. You want your mother to be treated well for that short time in your home; then give her just that...But without expecting that your wife is going to agree to anything. Instead, do what you need to for your ageing mother but keep your wife off the responsibility...That should keep both sides satisfied...
Life is filled with curve balls; you just learn to navigate then better every time...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
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