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Love Guru |204 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 10, 2021

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more

Question by Animesh on Dec 10, 2021Hindi

Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
I want to say that I was married in January 2021.
Everything was going fine.
But my mother is unnecessarily harassing my wife when I am at office.
So, after two months, she went to her home.
Now my mom says she cannot come back.
Moreover, she is pregnant. So she said let us stay separate in a rented room.
What is the solution so that we all live happily and peacefully?
Thanks and regards,
Animesh Chakraborty

Ans:

What! Are you nuts?

Neither of them wants to live with the other. And this is within two months of marriage, so it's safe to assume there's zero compatibility between your mother and wife.

The solution to living happily and peacefully is to move out!

Relations between them have no chance of improving unless you do so.

And your wife is pregnant to boot... don't you want to support her during this time?

Let me tell you also, Animesh, your mother sounds like quite an ogre -- you yourself have stated that she harassed your wife and isn't even allowing her to move back home! Grow a pair and move out!

Relationship1Reply

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Kanchan Rai |519 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 24, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 23, 2023Hindi

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Because of my mother my married life is falling apart.. my mother does something purposely which hurts my wife and then quarrel starts. I pleaded my mother not to do so many times but she doesn't understand what we are loosing. I don't want to loose any of them family. Pls advice what should I do.

Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such a challenging situation. Balancing relationships with both your mother and your spouse can be difficult, but it's essential to find a way to create harmony. Here's some advice on how to handle this situation:

Communication: Open, honest, and empathetic communication is crucial. Sit down with your mother and your spouse separately and discuss the issue. Let them both know how much you care about them and the impact their conflicts are having on your life.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define boundaries with your mother and your spouse. Discuss what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Make it clear that you expect respect and kindness toward one another.
Counseling or Mediation: If direct communication doesn't resolve the issue, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or counselor, to mediate the conversation. They can provide guidance and facilitate a constructive dialogue.
Prioritize Your Spouse: Your spouse should be your primary concern when it comes to your immediate family. Make sure your wife knows that you support her and are taking her concerns seriously.
Support Your Mother's Transition: If your mother's actions are rooted in a sense of loss or fear of losing you, reassure her that you still love her and that your relationship with your spouse doesn't diminish your love for her.
Time and Patience: Resolving family conflicts can take time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to mend the relationships.
Self-Reflection: Reflect on your role in the situation and ensure you are not unintentionally contributing to the conflicts. Sometimes, small changes in your behavior can make a big difference.
Establish Separate Boundaries: If necessary, you might consider setting boundaries that involve keeping your mother and spouse apart if they can't peacefully coexist.
Remember, it's crucial to strike a balance and prioritize your spouse and immediate family. While maintaining a relationship with your mother is important, your marital relationship should come first. Seek professional help if the situation doesn't improve, as a therapist can provide guidance tailored to your specific circumstances.

Anu Krishna |1471 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 31, 2024Hindi

Relationship

Hi Anu, this is Rajkiran here, I am 34 years old I have been married 4 years back to a girl through the relatives reference. My wife is govt worker and she only has one independent parent which is her mother. The marriage happened in a very short time during corona period and we had healthy few chats of how we expect our life's to be and we were both in common understanding and when I asked what is her expectations then she said she had no expectations at all and go by how life takes on. I was happy that I got right match and I am person not into any relationships and nothing and this marriage relationship was so new and started loving her more and she was also the same. She had also no relationships and not interested in marriage but due to her mother's pressure she got married to me. She also started liking the relationship and valuing it After 6 months she was pregnant and she went to her mom's house to stay as she was feeling comfortable there and I aslo let her stay as she wishes. Child was born in 2022 April and problem started here We had to name the child and it's usually dad who names the child because its family tree and decendent. But my wife got in middle and said she wants name as suggested by her mother, the first fight started and later i compromised for child sake and I agreed to her on the naming of child. After the naming ceremony done her mother acted differently to me and she was looking for fight, my wife was also on the same route they were allowing me see my child once in a month and she also did not bother to spend time and let child because with me. I love to be with child but unfortunately I am not able to spend time with him. This made me feel suffocating inside and was feeling bad, one day we planned to bring child to my home along with my wife and she also agreed to stay for 3days and for some reason child was crying as it was new to adapt and new people. My wife used the situation to pull a fight with me and she said I want to go home saying child is crying and he will fall sick. I requested to wait for another few hours if he calms down and we will see but she didn't listen and got very pissed off and had cold war with her for week. She stopped talking and she stopped everything. I had no idea what was so wrong that I did and it so bad. I tired always to talk to her and she didn't give space to me and my feelings. From September 2022 we were not together till now. I December 2022 I approached marriage counselling for her and me to unite with her, she also had come for counseling as it was religious institution and she had no option to opt out. Counselling was done and she told that she will be coming my house in a Weeks time. After a week again same story she didnt turn back and she didnt even want to put one step to solve issue, adament nature and influence of her mother. I waited for a year and approached legally by filing petition on restitution of conjugal rights. I went through 2 hearings she is not turning back. I am left no where and for this sake why I should have married. I don't want another marriage or any i have great love for my child and even my wife whatso ever she does i just love her.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There are a few individuals on Earth who sadly fail to see the larger picture; in your case your wife fails to see how marriage can bring stability to life and the child's growth.
Now why she wants to run back to her parents' place is something I don't understand BUT she surely has forgotten that making a marriage work means staying together and even if the two of you need to stay apart, it has to be due to work or other commitments that require that kind of an adjustment.
Do you know why she is so quick to run back to her family home? Even if she was pressured in marrying you, what's the point running away from what is obvious.
If you are sure about not wanting the marriage, kindly factor in that you have a child. Make an attempt to get back together, so that your child has a stable home. Request an elder member from your family to intervene and talk some sense into her mother who seems to be ignorant to the fact of ruining her daughter's life. Is her mother going to take on the responsibility of her daughter and her child? See where this line of action leads you to and then step in and appeal with your wife...This is all that you can do...Hope for the best thing to happen...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Kanchan Rai |519 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2024Hindi

Relationship

Hello madam , my mother is too much obsessed with kid from me and my wife it's been 6 months of our marriage, she always compares with my siblings, but my situation is different but she is not understanding, I have already told her that I will let you know when we will plan please don't force but she is not understanding, now this month my wife got periods she went so upset and started blaming my wife that you must be taking some pills, we will go to doctor for checkup , Madam please advise how to handle her I am fully tired of her I don't know what to do I am not able to focus on my work

Ans: What’s really crucial here is that you and your wife stay united in how you handle this pressure. It’s essential that your wife knows you are fully supportive of her, and that you both are on the same page regarding your family planning decisions. If she feels that you’re standing by her side, it can help alleviate some of the stress she’s likely feeling from your mother’s constant comments and expectations.

When it comes to your mother, it may be time to have a firmer, more honest conversation. Instead of just telling her that you’ll let her know when you’re ready to plan, it might be helpful to share a bit more about how this pressure is affecting you and your wife. Explain to her that while you appreciate her desire to become a grandmother, her constant focus on this is creating unnecessary stress and is damaging to your mental health and your relationship. You may need to set some boundaries that are more definitive, letting her know that these kinds of conversations will no longer be welcome because they’re causing more harm than good.

It’s also important to stay calm and composed during these conversations. Your mother may not respond well at first, but if you remain consistent and clear about your boundaries, over time she might start to understand that you and your wife need space to make decisions on your own terms.

I know it can feel exhausting, especially when you’ve already tried to address this issue, but sometimes it takes repeated, calm, and firm conversations for boundaries to be truly respected. Your focus right now should be on protecting your marriage and your mental well-being, even if that means temporarily distancing yourself emotionally from your mother’s expectations. If things get too overwhelming, seeking professional guidance, either individually or as a couple, can also help you navigate the emotional complexities of family dynamics while keeping your relationship strong.

At the end of the day, your life, your marriage, and your future plans are yours to decide, and it’s okay to prioritize what’s best for you and your wife, even if it means disappointing others in the short term.

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Sir/mam,My son aged 27 yrs is working as a app developer in a startup company for megre salary. What should he do to goto a higher position?

Ans: Hello!!

Going to a higher position is only possible by your contribution to the company by sheer hard work, giving your 100%.

The only way to a higher salary is to demand your worth. If he feels he is underpaid he must ask for more... only the person knows his worth. He has to prove by his work ethics and the results he has given to the company in terms of revenue and communicate respectfully that he deserves more. If they listen to him then great otherwise he has to look for another place where he is valued.

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I have been jobless since 2 years. During COVID, I was undergoing tremendous amount of stress due to the lockdowns & WFH. It had telling effect on me & I realized am going through depression when I joined a job which required me to work from office. I quit job a month after I joined the company where the toxic work culture had a big toll on me to the extent of instilling a fear of formal office environs in me, which continues to this day. I have become a recluse. Now I feel I should have sought professional intervention much earlier, rather than just 6 months back. I lost all confidence of turning up for interviews, leave alone joining some job. I fear & hate admitting that infront of my wife who is very temperamental & nags me consistently about job search, as much as she tries to figure out things in my life. Every day I apply to jobs but every time I fail an interview I console myself thinking that I am saved of botheration of the rigors of a job which I can't face. I don't admit to my wife so as not to infuriate her & don't trust her that she will empathise with my situation in life. Hence try to keep up with good facade. But the results never improve- I failed every interview (calls though are hard to come by) which I fully know that its because I could not give my 100 % energy. Now the reluctance is due to many factors- IT is very fast changing field; I have reached a senior level where there are many expectations on that role which I never got to nurture/grow on myself. So every interview gives me shivers: 1) About my performance 2) (provided am selected somehow) About whether I would be able to fulfill my role to my satisfaction (previous professional experience haunts me to this date). As a result of all this I very often mentally exhaust myself (worrying/ wishful)thinking of things rather than bringing myself to earn money for the family. I feel I am just doing things to fill up my day, languishing by doing things that do not bring any value- rather than positively, pro-actively doing something of my career. Due to the gap of 2 years I do not get favorable response from companies I apply to. That is a very big gap to fill & I can't talk my way into saying things like I was in depression or that I did nothing for those 2 years. That further increases my anxiety, I have grown aversion to this entire goings on. I feel direction-less & drained out all the time. Please help.

Ans: Hello!!

Let's only look at the forward path here pls.

Forget about all the failings so far... Be kind to yourself, whatever happened to you, whatever is happening now, the period of COVID did it to many.

The only way to get out of this is -
1. your willingness to see a beautiful future ahead of you
2. you have already taken the first step by seeking counselling
3. leave the habit of revisiting the past again, like you just said that I should have gone to the counselor earlier, don't do this, be happy you are seeing him/her now
4. you have come so far in life, give yourself some credit, you have not reached the senior position just like that, right? You have reached here with your efforts, you have done it before, you'll do it again, have faith in yourself
5. your wife is your life partner, sit across and talk to her, take her to the counselor make her understand that this a phase where you need her on your side. A facade with your wife is a NO NO, it will come out some day, it is extra strain on you and your relationship, come clean , be truthful and honest with her.
6. make self care a priority ..get your routine in order, it's your life, just don't fill your day with mindless activities, like I said one step in the future, start taking actions now.....get up early, expose yourself to the sun and nature( they are great healers), exercise, have good meals throughout the day, learn something new , join a course which will be job oriented, how about adding an MBA or any other course which will help you in your career or job search?
7. make being joyful a habit... spend time volunteering, go teach underprivileged children or where ever you feel like lending a helping hand
8. value yourself....you were not put here to suffer, take action now.

Forget the past, jo beet gayi so baat gayi( meaningless to talk about the past)... stop blaming, complaining....look into the future with energy and enthusiasm, it's your life man , take one step towards it every day.

Bless you to life your life well..

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The solution for this is to learn to stand up to the bullies, learn to say "NO", protect yourself and communicate assertively. Assertive communication is communicating respectfully in a clam and collected voice, taking care of your needs as well as others and creating a WIN-WIN. Believe me... it is a learnable skill and comes with practice.

If this works , then congratulations, else start looking for other jobs and quit, no one deserves to work in a toxic environment.
Give utmost importance to your inner peace and happiness, stand guard, let this not be disturbed by anything or anyone.

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Question by Invest Global Financial - Jan 20, 2025Hindi

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Dear MAM , I am writing to express some concerns and seek your advice regarding my son who is currently working in the USA after completing his Master's degree. While I am proud of his achievements, I find myself feeling a bit confused about my role as a father during this phase of his life. As he focuses on his career and plans for the future, I wonder if I should expect some support from him for our family's needs, especially considering the financial burden I have undertaken for his education, which amounts to about 1 crore. Additionally, I have responsibilities towards my 90+ year-old mother and my other son, who is also in need of educational support. My son seems to be making all his life decisions independently, including matters relating to his future marriage, without seeking our input. This leaves me feeling sidelined in his life choices. Can you please share your thoughts on how I should navigate this situation? Your guidance would be invaluable as I try to understand my place and expectations in this new dynamic. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

Ans: Dear Sir,

He is your son and your blood. You have brought him up ....your values and culture is in him. You have supported him wholeheartedly and you have always been there for him, I am sure he will be there for you too. Just sit down with your son and have a heart to heart talk with him, have the faith that you have brought up your son well, he will listen to your genuine concerns and help you out.

It is just that he is too eager to fly high, the education, the US culture, the freedom is a heady combination right now. Participate in his plans wholeheartedly and with full josh when he shares his plans with you. Don't come in his way, don't demand but ask him to help you out. Please remember that when your child stays away from you, the bonds require efforts to rebuild and make them strong again. Since he is no longer staying with you, he may not have the clear picture of what is happening in your lives here. So please " TALK " to him face to face.

You must be happy that your son has grown up enough to make his life decisions on his own, this is a good sign, he is no longer dependent on you, like you said just be proud of him and be supportive. Love him unconditionally. I know as a parent you feel left out..... what can you do, but to see your little one soar high, trust me I totally understand how you feel. You have given him the wings by funding his education, you can't demand he return the money or pay you back. What you can do is this... give him a proper picture of your financial condition, your younger son's aspirations, he is your eldest, elder children are always responsible, he will come to your rescue and help you out I am very sure of that. Let the language of love and togetherness between the son and father create the magic. Communicate with your child dear father, that's the key, that's the solution.

All the very best!!

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IIT-JEE, NEET-UG, SAT, CLAT, CA, CS Exam Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Hello sir Mere bate ne 12 th Bosses se clear kiya h abhi usko college mai off line admission nahi mil raha tho kya wo online BCA kar sakta h..aage usko online ki wajhe se koi pareshshni tho nahi aayeghi aur usko BCA karne ke baad USA jaana ho ya india mai koi job karni ho tho online degree vailed hogi plz kahe

Ans: From which university he is doing an online degree for BCA we have to check and find out about the recognition of that university.

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IIT-JEE, NEET-UG, SAT, CLAT, CA, CS Exam Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Question by Narayana - Jan 03, 2025Hindi

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I am Narayana from mumbai. My daughter is studing in 11th commerce, she is take maths in 11th commerce. My question is after12 th how to do BSC IT. Please sudjest me for her career. Thanks

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BSC IT requires physics & chemistry as well in 11-12th. You need to check with few universities if they allow this. Or else you can change the board & move to PCM in 12th standard.

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Sir mere bhai ki admit card main jho date of birth aaya hai uske adhar ke sath match nahi ho raha hai toh kya exam de sakte hain

Ans: Hi
Sanskruti, this question got assigned to me late. I hope your brother have appeared for the exam without any issue.

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IIT-JEE, NEET-UG, SAT, CLAT, CA, CS Exam Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Sir how i will contact you ? I need your guidance ?

Ans: In case of any queries & professional help, you can DM me through insta handle CAREERSTREETS.

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My average score in neet mock test is 300 I want to crack this exam in this attempt itself as there are 3month left I don't know how to proceed things further please guide me

Ans: Hello
cracking neet requires much fewer marks than what you are scoring, hence you will qualify for the NEET, there is no doubt about it. For admission in a govt college seat, you need a 650+ score if from the open category or a private college seat you need 550+.
Good Deemed College seat requires 400+ marks
You need to analyse your test score, where you are making mistakes and what kind of mistakes they are & improve your weaker areas with every test.
In case of any queries & professional help, you can DM me through insta handle CAREERSTREETS I will help you with the ideal solutions.

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IIT-JEE, NEET-UG, SAT, CLAT, CA, CS Exam Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Sir, I have passed 12th from CBSE board in 2024. I could not appear for the improvement exam of 2024. Can I appear for the improvement exam to be held in 2025 and if I am able to appear, then when can I fill the form

Ans: Hello
Which examination do you want to appear in 2025? Usually, improvement exam results come late during the counselling process. In case of any queries & professional help, you can DM me through insta handle CAREERSTREETS I will help you out with the ideal solutions.

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