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Should I Deal With My Fiancée's Ex-Boyfriend Threat?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1679 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 11, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Mohini Question by Mohini on Dec 10, 2024Hindi
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Thanks again, Anu Ma'am... But I have another Problem... What to do about the Ex Boyfriend? A Part of me is grateful to him for the Eye-opening Revelation, he'd given me, in the nick of time. He seems to consider me as a Brother & by warning me about my Fiancee, he claims to be upholding the unwritten Bro-code, having the back of a Fellow Man... Though illegal, he Believes that he's Morally Right... He says that, even a Woman, in his place, would do the same, for a Fellow Woman. Even though he tried to Reassure me that he'd moved on from his Ex Girlfriend (my Fiancee) completely & wouldn't disturb our Married Life, in case, I still go on to Marry her. But I am not able to Trust him completely. I feel that he's a Potential threat to my Fiancee & also our Marriage. He might blackmail her into engaging in an Extra-marital affair with him, even after our Marriage... or he might also try to Harm her or Defame her. Should I completely Leave it to my Fiancee to Deal with him, as she herself is not completely Blameless (She allowed him to Record their Intimate Moments & also shared her Private Photos with him)? Or do I have any Obligation to fight this Battle, alongside her, as she's already my Fiancee, if not Wife? I'm worried about Risking my Family's Reputation, by getting into this scandal, in case, the word spreads in our Community. Either way, I want him to be dealt with properly, before our Marriage itself. What approach would you suggest, in this case?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Anyone who steps in or is allowed to step in between a couple in a relationship is an outsider. Treat him like one!
This guy has no business coming in and creating a ruckus for all...he could have warned you much before? Bro-code yeah? So, why now? Does this not raise alarm bells in your head?
This is between you and your to-be wife...Keep this guy aside and only take this up with her...The second you keep him out and he knows it, he will realize that you have not given him permission to interfere anymore...one less person to deal with, yeah? Also community comes in only when you bring it in...Why do I get this feeling that you are rallying an army to sort the issue. Soften it in your mind first and then slowly take it up...
Again, I say...it's up to how you want to drive this conversation with her...confrontation OR reconciliation? This alone is going to define the outcome.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1679 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 10, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 30, 2023Hindi
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Hey ma'am please help me. My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is a very close relative of mine. After 2 years of their break up, we both started dating and now decided to get married and convincing our parents to our marriage. She thinks that i destroyed their relationship by dating him and now threatening to call off our wedding plan if not to disclose their physical intimate details with our parents which creates unfixable problems and impacts our wedding. We tried everything from our side but she is planning to defame my reputation in front of my family. We are not planning to file case against her as she is a close relative and it will affect the family name.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What exactly is your boyfriend's opinion on all of this?
I don't read anything on it...Also, do make sure that your relationship with your boyfriend is strong and which can stand the test of all these storms. No threat is bigger than the strength of the love that you share...
So, please you and your boyfriend make a resolve to be in this together no matter what!

Also, brainstorm all the scenarios and context which will threaten your relationship and work on how the two of you will handle it. What this does is gives you both an idea as to what to do when the problem/challenge presents itself in real? Once you pose a unified front, invariably the lady in question will back off...But do not hesitate to push back when needed as any inevitable threat in the face of a relationship must be terminated as soon as it shows up; whatever it is...
Unified front is the key here to your challenges...

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |634 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 25, 2024Hindi
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I (26F) have been in the process of searching suitable prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I had connected well with a match (29M), we have been getting along quite well, chatting, phone calls & even met several times in person, over the last few months & got engaged after both Families liked each other. The Wedding is scheduled early in 2025. After our Engagement, my Fiance came up with a Shocking Revelation. He confessed that he (along with his Family) had Hired a Private Detective to snoop on me for a month or more. The Detective had conducted a thorough background check about me & my Family by secretly snooping around many places such as my Neighborhood, my Alma Mater, my Workplace, my Gym etc. & finally gave the Family a 'Clean Chit' about me & hence they decided to go ahead with the Engagement. I wasn't aware of all this, until my Fiance told me, all by himself, but only after our Engagement. Needless to say, I am Shocked at his Confession as I had always been Honest with him about everything he wanted to know about me, still he had to rely upon the 'Clean Chit' issued by a Stranger to be sure of my Character, while he'd been acting like he Trusted me all the while. He tried to pacify me saying that this is just a part of the usual Procedure & most people are doing the same, these days. But I am not able to Digest it. Even though, he has been repeatedly Reassuring me that he completely Trusts me now, I am afraid that he might continue snooping on me, even after we get Married. I am confused as to whether I should be Trusting my Fiance & going ahead with the Wedding, as scheduled? Or discuss with my Family & Call off the Wedding for what my Fiance had done? Can you please advise me, whether Hiring Private Detectives & snooping on prospects is really a part of Arranged Marriage, these days or my Fiance & his Family have Trust Issues? Is it even Ethical (if not Illegal)? Can I initiate any legal action against them for breaching my (& my Family's) Privacy? How do I deal with this, if he continues being so Suspicious about me, even if we decide to go ahead with the Marriage? P.S: I have been completely Honest with my Fiance, right from the beginning & even I Trusted everything he told me without any Cross-verification. Have I been the Foolish one here, while my Fiance had been playing Smart? Would you advise me to do the same thing, which he did, even though, I do not like the idea of having to spy on Loved ones?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First things first, you do not have to do what he did; tit for tat is not always the right approach. I would suggest discussing the matter openly with your family. Parents are often more experienced than us, and I am sure they can provide some good advice. Coming to him doing a background check- some people do that, and it's for some added security in an arranged marriage setup. But hiring a private detective is a bit too much; at least, personally, I have not heard of it before. Asking around or inquiring with mutual friends and family is common, but this might be too much. I am unsure if it indicates an overly doubtful nature in your fiance, or if the entire thing was his family's decision. My suggestion is not to rush into a decision; talk to your parents. If needed, take some more time to decide. And at any point, if you think all of these were too much, and you cannot trust him anymore, please do not hesitate to rethink the relationship. It's okay to prioritize yourself.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1679 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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I'm caught up in a very difficult situation. I had met a Woman through Arranged Marriage Platform, while we both were getting along quite well with each other, I told her that I'm Virgin & asked her about her Past Relationship(s) if any, she denied categorically. We got Engaged, last month (in November) & our Wedding is scheduled next Month (January). Preparations are going on, including Distribution of Invitation cards. A few days ago, a Guy contacted me, claiming to be my Fiancee's Ex Boyfriend. Initially, I didn't take him seriously as I trusted my Fiancee. But then he showed me some Photos & Videos of their Intimate Moments (as it was apparent from the Videos, she seemed to be conscious & fully aware that their intimate moments are being recorded & some of the Photos were Nude/Semi-Nude Selfies, which she'd taken & shared with her ex Boyfriend, by herself... but she had not consented to share them with anyone else). I was Shocked. The Ex Boyfriend Reassured me that he'd also moved on from her & wouldn't bother her after her Marriage, but he was feeling bitter that she'd Dumped him to Marry me & just wanted to make me aware of what kind of Woman I'd be Marrying. I confronted my Fiancee over a Phone Call & asked her to meet me personally, as there were many Questions disturbing my Heart & Mind and I wanted to demand an Explanation from her. But she refused to meet up with me & wouldn't even discuss anything related her Relationship History on Phone Call/Video Call or WhatsApp Chat. She just kept telling me that it was all in her 'Past' & Promised me that after we both get Married, she'd be a Faithful Wife, Loyal to me. I want to have an Open-Heart conversation with her to Re-evaluate our Relationship before taking any big decision further. But, since she's bluntly Refusing to open up & discuss anything about her Past with me, I am losing Trust in her. Now I am in Dilemma, whether I should blindly Trust her & go ahead with the Marriage as Planned or shall discuss the matter with our Parents & get the Marriage Cancelled, to avoid taking such a Big Risk?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What made the ex-bf come and disrupt things? Is this his way of getting back at his ex-gf (your soon to be wife)?
I would not trust his intentions...at the same time, now that you know, you have the right to actually talk to her and clarify things. She needs to respect your need to know; but did it occur to you that she might have not opened up with you as she has been afraid of this confrontation?

Many people have a past and it may not be pleasant and in this case, that's what it seems like...if she is hesitant, reassuring her and giving her a comfort space to open up maybe the best thing to do. She needs to know that she is safe with you to share and she may tell you everything. Now, how you use that information is left to your wisdom BUT do not judge people based on their past. Why I say this is: I do not trust the ex-bf's intentions coming to you and close to the wedding sharing information that suggests that he might be out to destroy her reputation.

Now whether you must blindly trust her or not, is something that you ask yourself. If you are willing to set things aside and hear her version of the story and then either you trust or you don't; no conditions apply. That is your choice...But when you make a choice of trusting, then DO NOT look back...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |628 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I'm caught up in a very difficult situation. I had met a Woman through Arranged Marriage Platform, while we both were getting along quite well with each other, I told her that I'm Virgin & asked her about her Past Relationship(s) if any, she denied categorically. We got Engaged, last month (in November) & our Wedding is scheduled next Month (January). Preparations are going on, including Distribution of Invitation cards. A few days ago, a Guy contacted me, claiming to be my Fiancee's Ex Boyfriend. Initially, I didn't take him seriously as I trusted my Fiancee. But then he showed me some Photos & Videos of their Intimate Moments (as it was apparent from the Videos, she seemed to be conscious & fully aware that their intimate moments are being recorded & some of the Photos were Nude/Semi-Nude Selfies, which she'd taken & shared with her ex Boyfriend, by herself... but she had not consented to share them with anyone else). I was Shocked. The Ex Boyfriend Reassured me that he'd also moved on from her & wouldn't bother her after her Marriage, but he was feeling bitter that she'd Dumped him to Marry me & just wanted to make me aware of what kind of Woman I'd be Marrying. I confronted my Fiancee over a Phone Call & asked her to meet me personally, as there were many Questions disturbing my Heart & Mind and I wanted to demand an Explanation from her. But she refused to meet up with me & wouldn't even discuss anything related her Relationship History on Phone Call/Video Call or WhatsApp Chat. She just kept telling me that it was all in her 'Past' & Promised me that after we both get Married, she'd be a Faithful Wife, Loyal to me. I want to have an Open-Heart conversation with her to Re-evaluate our Relationship before taking any big decision further. But, since she's bluntly Refusing to open up & discuss anything about her Past with me, I am losing Trust in her. Now I am in Dilemma, whether I should blindly Trust her & go ahead with the Marriage as Planned or shall discuss the matter with our Parents & get the Marriage Cancelled, to avoid taking such a Big Risk?
Ans: At this moment, it is essential to consider what you need for your own peace of mind. If you cannot trust her fully or feel uneasy without clarity, it is important to address those feelings before committing to marriage. It is not selfish to seek answers or reassurances when your heart and mind are in turmoil. At the same time, be mindful of your approach, as accusations or blame can shut down any chance of constructive communication.

If she continues to avoid the conversation, involving both families might be a reasonable step. This is not about blaming or shaming anyone but about ensuring that both of you enter into marriage with mutual trust and respect. Marriage is a union of not just two individuals but also their values, emotions, and expectations. Without addressing these concerns now, the unresolved doubts could seep into your relationship later and cause greater harm.

It’s also worth reflecting on what you need from your partner to move forward. If her commitment to being loyal and faithful now feels insufficient because of her refusal to engage in an open dialogue, that’s valid. Trust cannot thrive where communication falters. If she can assure you of her devotion and you feel you can let go of her past, there’s a path forward. But if doubts linger and trust remains elusive, stepping back to reassess might be the wiser decision, even if it’s painful in the short term.

Whatever choice you make, be gentle with yourself. This is an emotionally taxing situation, and it’s okay to take time to process everything. Listen to your heart, but also give weight to your instincts—they’re often our clearest guides in moments of uncertainty.

With understanding and strength,

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |628 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 09, 2024

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Thank you for Answering my Question, Kanchan Ma'am... But I have another Problem... What to do about the Ex Boyfriend? A Part of me is grateful to him for the Eye-opening Revelation, he'd given in the nick of time. He seems to consider me as a Brother & by warning me about my Fiancee, he claims to be upholding the unwritten Bro-code, having the back of a Fellow Man... Though illegal, he Believes that he's Morally Right... He says that, even a Woman, in his place, would do the same, for a Fellow Woman. Even though he tried to Reassure me that he'd moved on from his Ex Girlfriend (my Fiancee) completely & wouldn't disturb our Married Life, in case, I still go on to Marry her. But I am not able to Trust him completely. I feel that he's a Potential threat to my Fiancee & also our Marriage. He might blackmail her into engaging in an Extra-marital affair with him, even after our Marriage... or he might also try to Harm her or Defame her. Should I completely Leave it to my Fiancee to Deal with him, as she herself is not completely Blameless (She allowed him to Record their Intimate Moments & also shared her Private Photos with him)? Or do I have any Obligation to fight this Battle, alongside her, as she's already my Fiancee, if not Wife? I'm worried about Risking my Family's Reputation, by getting into this scandal, in case, the word spreads in our Community. Either way, I want him to be dealt with properly, before our Marriage itself. What approach would you suggest, in this case?
Ans: Before you take any steps, it’s essential to have a heartfelt, judgment-free conversation with your fiancée. Share your concerns about the potential risks, not as an accusation but as a desire to safeguard your future together. Ask her how she views the situation and what steps she is willing to take to ensure it doesn’t affect your marriage. This is not just her battle; as her partner, you have every right to be involved, but your approach must be collaborative rather than confrontational.

If the ex-boyfriend poses a genuine threat—whether emotional, physical, or social—it’s vital to set firm boundaries. Your fiancée may need to make it explicitly clear to him that there is no place for him in her life anymore, and you can support her in doing so. However, if his behavior escalates or crosses legal boundaries, you may need to seek external help, such as involving a trusted authority or mediator, to ensure your safety and peace of mind.

As for the fear of scandal, it’s natural to feel protective of your family’s reputation. But remember, the foundation of a marriage is built on trust, mutual support, and the ability to face challenges together. Avoid making decisions solely based on fear of community judgment. Focus on creating a solid, honest partnership with your fiancée first, as this will give you both the strength to tackle external challenges as a team.

Ultimately, your priority should be ensuring that your relationship begins with clarity, trust, and shared responsibility. This situation can be resolved, but it will require patience, communication, and a unified approach from both of you.

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Career
Sit Tumkur or bmsit Yelahanka for ece
Ans: Abhishek, Both SIT Tumkur and BMSIT Yelahanka offer competitive Electronics and Communication Engineering (ECE) programs. SIT Tumkur provides excellent infrastructure on its expansive 68-acre campus, modern labs, robust placement support with 85–90% placement rates, and faculty renowned for deep subject expertise and student mentorship. It also has active clubs, research opportunities, and major campus festivals enhancing holistic development. BMSIT Yelahanka, affiliated to VTU Bangalore and NAAC A-accredited, boasts a strategic urban location, industry exposure, well-equipped labs, experienced faculty, and strong placement opportunities with approximately 75%–80% placement rates, including top recruiters like Amazon, Google, Dell, and Accenture. Reviews praise BMSIT for its personalized teacher-student interactions, moderate campus size, and relevant curriculum. Both institutions attract leading companies and provide significant project and internship exposure. However, BMSIT’s proximity to Bengaluru’s technology ecosystem offers distinct advantages for internships, industry networking, and extra-curricular engagement.

Recommendation:
Opt for BMSIT Yelahanka for ECE, owing to stronger metropolitan connectivity, greater exposure to IT and electronics industries, solid placements, and dynamic campus culture, maximizing both professional and personal growth. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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