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Is Hiring PIs In Arranged Marriage Ethical? Shocked 26F Asks For Advice

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |443 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I (26F) have been in the process of searching suitable prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I had connected well with a match (29M), we have been getting along quite well, chatting, phone calls & even met several times in person, over the last few months & got engaged after both Families liked each other. The Wedding is scheduled early in 2025. After our Engagement, my Fiance came up with a Shocking Revelation. He confessed that he (along with his Family) had Hired a Private Detective to snoop on me for a month or more. The Detective had conducted a thorough background check about me & my Family by secretly snooping around many places such as my Neighborhood, my Alma Mater, my Workplace, my Gym etc. & finally gave the Family a 'Clean Chit' about me & hence they decided to go ahead with the Engagement. I wasn't aware of all this, until my Fiance told me, all by himself, but only after our Engagement. Needless to say, I am Shocked at his Confession as I had always been Honest with him about everything he wanted to know about me, still he had to rely upon the 'Clean Chit' issued by a Stranger to be sure of my Character, while he'd been acting like he Trusted me all the while. He tried to pacify me saying that this is just a part of the usual Procedure & most people are doing the same, these days. But I am not able to Digest it. Even though, he has been repeatedly Reassuring me that he completely Trusts me now, I am afraid that he might continue snooping on me, even after we get Married. I am confused as to whether I should be Trusting my Fiance & going ahead with the Wedding, as scheduled? Or discuss with my Family & Call off the Wedding for what my Fiance had done? Can you please advise me, whether Hiring Private Detectives & snooping on prospects is really a part of Arranged Marriage, these days or my Fiance & his Family have Trust Issues? Is it even Ethical (if not Illegal)? Can I initiate any legal action against them for breaching my (& my Family's) Privacy? How do I deal with this, if he continues being so Suspicious about me, even if we decide to go ahead with the Marriage? P.S: I have been completely Honest with my Fiance, right from the beginning & even I Trusted everything he told me without any Cross-verification. Have I been the Foolish one here, while my Fiance had been playing Smart? Would you advise me to do the same thing, which he did, even though, I do not like the idea of having to spy on Loved ones?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First things first, you do not have to do what he did; tit for tat is not always the right approach. I would suggest discussing the matter openly with your family. Parents are often more experienced than us, and I am sure they can provide some good advice. Coming to him doing a background check- some people do that, and it's for some added security in an arranged marriage setup. But hiring a private detective is a bit too much; at least, personally, I have not heard of it before. Asking around or inquiring with mutual friends and family is common, but this might be too much. I am unsure if it indicates an overly doubtful nature in your fiance, or if the entire thing was his family's decision. My suggestion is not to rush into a decision; talk to your parents. If needed, take some more time to decide. And at any point, if you think all of these were too much, and you cannot trust him anymore, please do not hesitate to rethink the relationship. It's okay to prioritize yourself.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1342 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2022

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Relationship
Dear Anu Madam,Please help me with your urgent advice. I am a 23-year-old good-looking girl from well-to-do Marwari family. Since 2017 I am in relationship with a 37-year-old who I met in a gym. He is a small-time model. Within 1 month of meeting, we got physical. However, in August 2021, to my dismay, I came to know that he has two wives and children and that he is in physical relationship with several other girls. This pained me a lot and we broke up. But somehow we got back. He pleaded sorry for hiding his marriage and cheating with other girls but he said that the other girls had forced him for a physical relationship. He says he is unhappy in marriage and if I marry him, it will give him new way of life. I loved him and decided to get married (he can legally have more wives). But still I felt absurd on my decision because I will face severe parental resistance as he is from different religion and has less money. Yet I made up my mind on marriage and so, six months ago I revealed this to my closest cousin and introduced her to him. I followed up with her to guide me on right decision but my cousin kept buying time. About two weeks ago, while accidentally checking her mobile messages, I found that though I introduced my cousin to my BF to help me, she was cheating on me. From her messages I could see that she persuaded my BF to get physical with her. This shattered me completely and I fought with her. Madam, please advise me. I love this guy and want to marry him. He is my 1st and last love. I am sure he will be a changed guy after our marriage, which will make us both Happy.
Ans:

Dear SK,

So, you want to marry a man who cheats, hides his escapades, and disrespects you?

What kind of life do you think you are going to have with a man who has no respect for women and sleeps with women to gain his self-esteem?

Talking about how you can be a saviour, only makes you a victim, so that you are constantly under his control.

It’s possible that you haven’t been able to see his intentions and that you have reached out to me.

Listen, you have a beautiful life ahead, so not waste it on a man who thinks of nothing and only himself.

Your friend also was able to sell you out so easily only suggest that this man is some sort of a charmer and women easily fall into his trap.

Beware, kindly step up first and respect and honour yourself.

Learn to Love yourself else you will keep falling into the same trap of falling for such men who have nothing to do with women other than use them.

Step out NOW and no explanations required…You are not obligated to give him any.

He will behave like a victim and place you on a pedestal so that you go back to him, STAND your GROUND…Love is pure and this cannot be your first or last love….selfishness cannot be love.

There are more beautiful relationships waiting to embrace you only if you first move on from this toxic relationship, love yourself and use your strength appropriately.

You can do this…be an example for all those girls who choose to celebrate men who are toxic to them. Be a source of strength to all of them.

..Read more

Mohit

Mohit Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jan 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 04, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I am struck in a morally complicated situation right now. Kindly guide me . I'm a modern woman yet who believes in culture. I am 24years old female from South India. Currently arrange marriage alliance process is going on and it is almost about to be finalized if i say yes. I have had a 3 serious relationship s in my past and the last one i was physically involved because i believed we would end up together. Even our families were involved we were about to get engaged. everything went fine until one day we had a huge fight and later as a result he didn't want to continue it anymore. He broke it off. This happened 1.5 years back and I loved him too much that I wanted him to comeback. Deep down i know he was not right guy for me yet i wanted him. About 2 months back I had a sudden realisation that hit me very bad I realised I need to move on and mentally I was able to disconnect myself from him, not completely but yeah i did. Now in the current situation the guy who is my potential fiance, I want to be transparent with him but I am not sure how well he will take it as we barely know each other. I met him only twice. He seems interested to marry me. I do not want to ruin his trust or feelings. The problem is I am not sure if he is open minded enough to accept my past. I'm willing to put in my efforts to make things work in marriage and keep my past behind me. If I tell him about my past and he is not interested to proceed and reject us my family will be upset ( they liked this match cuz the guy was nice and decent, his family and everything was convenient to them). I am totally stressed out as my family is waiting for my response to proceed further. The guy doesn't seem to be very particular about anything. I don't know what to do and how to do it.
Ans: I totally understand your concern. My advise is not to get into arrange marriage in the first place. Because that's a very transactional relationship. Go out, meet more guys and then see if you find someone you love. You are too young to give into the pressure of arrange marriage. However if you still want to proceed, then whether you tell him or not doesn't really matter. It depends on his mindset and value system which i have no idea about and probably you too. So even if you don't tell him, it doesn't matter. If you want to be honest which is a good thing, then you embrace that uncertainty of his reaction to it.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1342 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 02, 2024

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Relationship
Hello maa’m!! am in love with my boyfriend since 18 years. I waited till he gets his first job to tell my parents abut him. When the time came we both informed in our family that we want to get married. His father said yes initially and asked my family to meet at a common place. Later once I family agreed and came and called to inform his family, his mother denied saying his father is against this marriage. My parents called my boyfriend and asked whether he wants to marry me without his father approval and he said obviously!!! Why wouldn’t I? Then me and my boyfriend set a date and informed both our family that we are getting married on this date on july. My family has been always supportive and they support me here as well. But his family reacted differently saying we can’t allow you to marry on this date as this month is his birth month (some silly excuses) and they informed we can assure you we will get you married to your girlfriend in November or December. That time my boyfriend also agreed with his mother knowing that all wedding venues were booked and I have paid some kind of advance amount as well. And NOW!! My family went wild over him saying howcome he called of this marriage?? My boyfriend is asking me please give me a second chance that I will convince my parents to marry you in November or December. If they disagree i will move out and marry you only. How can I trust him this time? SHOULD I?
Ans: Dear Suwon,
When someone does not keep their word, trusting them becomes difficult, isn't it?
Maybe they had their reasons for canceling and pushing the wedding to a later date, but that could have been done taking your parents' into confidence. It shows a lack of empathy as to how much work the girls' side would have put in to pull off something.
Anyway, I am sure this question has crossed your mind as well...are they playing this game as the parents are still not keen on getting their son married to you?
You really must sit down and talk to your boyfriend; this kind of influence on him and he will keep oscillating back and forth like a pendulum...
Next step, have both the sets of parents talk to one another and clarify whatever is going on on their minds. The boys' side intentions become clear to your parents and they will be able to give you a clearer picture as well.
So, before you jump around to do anything, please talk to your boyfriend first and then have your parents talk to his and bring clarity ti the entire situation, after which decisions will be well-thought out and you will also be sure of the next steps to take. You can trust him only and only if he comes clean and is truthful about what is going on...So, ask and ask till you know what you want to know.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |730 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

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Money
Sir My Age is 38 Now. Running Business In Pune city. Below are the My Assets & Liabilities. Current Values - Assets. Own Industrial Plot - Rs. 2.0 Cr Business Income Yearly Rs. 24.00 Lack Own Company Investment ( Machinery, Debtors Etc ) - Rs 2.40 Cr Mutual Fund & Share Market Investment Rs. 2.10 Cr Bank FD - Rs. 50.00 Lack Own 3 Flats in Pune - Rs. 75 lack, 50 Lack & 35 Lack ( Current Values ) Golds - Rs. 25.00 Lack Land - Agriculture - Rs. 50.00 Lack Term Insurances - Rs. 20.00 Lack ( Till Date Premium Paid ) Labilities. House Loan - Rs. 30.00 Lack ( EMI 26500.00 PM ) Loan will close after 17 years. Car Loan - Rs. 6.35 lack ( EMI 12500.00 PM ) Loan will close after 5 years. This Assets & investment sufficient for maintain 7 family members Expenses after retirement ? ( 4 Adult + 3 Children (Below 5 Years) ). I will retire at the age of 45.
Ans: Hello;

What is the expected monthly rental from industrial plot and machinery?

Are you currently occupying one of the flats mentioned here or are all of them given on rent?

Also your term life insurance is very low. You should have minimum term insurance cover of 2.4 Cr.

You have good assets in agri land, industrial land, gold, real estate but they are relatively illiquid when need arises hence term insurance cover with riders for critical care and accident benefit are an absolute must!

Considering the home loan tenure of 17 years and 3 small kids in the family to be supported for education and decent lifestyle, I am not sure if you can retire in 7 years timeframe from now.

However I would appreciate your reply to my queries above, before I give my firm view about your retirement in 7 years timeframe.

Best wishes;

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |730 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 28, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hello sir, what is best lum sum saving option with monthly returns. Returns wise as well risk wise? Is it MIS, SWP or annuity? I have little idea of Annuity? Could you please explain in detail?
Ans: Hello;

POMIS has sovereign assurance being a GOI scheme but it has interest rate risk, low tenure, investment limit.

SWP typically will have a higher risk(depends on the fund type) but still it's risk is higher than other instruments and may have a higher return, although this is not assured.

In case of income from annuity, returns may be lower but it offers you fixed income in retirement for longer tenures.

Mostly insurance companies invest annuity corpus in central and state government securities, PSU bonds, AAA rated corporate bonds etc so can't say 100% safe but highly secure and safe.

Here's a brief information about annuities:

Annuities are types of pension plans where you make a lump sum payment to a life insurance company and get a regular income for a certain period of time or for life.

There are primarily two types of annuities:

1. Immediate annuity
This is a type of annuity plan that provides you with a guaranteed regular income immediately after you pay the lump sum premium.

2. Deferred annuity
In a deferred annuity plan, your income starts at a later date and you can choose when you want the regular income to start.

Based on type of regular monthly payments annuities could also be classified as Fixed annuity and Variable annuity.

Below are the various options available in an annuity plan:

A. Life annuity: In this option, you receive annuity for life. The frequency of payments is usually pre-decided by you at the time of the purchase of the policy.

B. Joint life annuity: This is similar to a life annuity. In this option, you receive annuity payments for life. In your absence, your spouse continues to receive annuity payments for life.

C. Life annuity with return of purchase price: This provides you annuity payments for life. In case of an unfortunate event, your nominee will receive the amount you paid at the time of the purchase of the policy.

D. Annuity payable for a pre-decided term: This provides you the option to choose the duration for which you would want to receive annuity payments. The period can be 5 years, 10 years, or more.

Best wishes;

...Read more

Dr Shyam

Dr Shyam Jamalabad  |82 Answers  |Ask -

Dentist - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

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Health
Doctor, my 4.5-year-old son has baby bottle tooth decay in four of his front teeth. However, this wasn't caused by bottle-feeding but rather by him holding food in his mouth for extended periods when he was younger, around two years old. Local dentists have advised us to do nothing, as these teeth will eventually fall out and be replaced by adult teeth. However, I'm concerned that his new teeth might also be at risk. Is there anything we can do to prevent further decay of his current teeth, and is there a treatment available to help his teeth stay healthier? Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Hello
This type of tooth decay is rather common in children. Most parents dismiss it as inconsequential because "milk teeth fall off anyway" and do not seek professional advice. I am happy to note that you are concerned and have already consulted a couple of dentists.
As long as your son's decayed teeth are asymptomatic, I would agree with your local dentists that, for now, no procedures should be done.
The logic is simple. A visit to the dentist is stressful even for adults. I imagine it would be even more so for a child of 4 or 5!
If the teeth in question are free from pain or underlying infection, we (the dental fraternity) would rather not expose the child to procedures which could potentially instill in him a lifelong fear of dentists and dental clinics.
However I strongly urge you to take your child for periodic check ups to ensure the decay doesn't spread unchecked and/or can be treated in time if the need arises. Please note if these teeth get infected and the infection is left untreated, the permanent teeth can also get damaged.
Also, you (the parent) need to inspect the said teeth and surrounding gums regularly to spot gum boils or swellings. If you spot any of this or if the child complains of pain please consult your dentist at once.
It goes without saying that he should brush his teeth with even more care. Ideally after every meal. Children cannot be fully trusted to brush their teeth well, so it's always wise for a parent to supervise.
If your son is a fussy eater you could consider giving him Calcium supplements. This will not help his current teeth in any way, but the permanent teeth which are due to erupt a few years later will hopefully be more resistant to decay.
Hope this answers your question.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7184 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

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Money
I am 54 years. wnats to retire as early as possible. Have a housing loan of 70 lacs.. EMI is 80K every month. My monthly expenses is 70K. I have mutual funds /PF etc of app Rs 1.50 cr.. I want to clear my loan from the funds which I am having. Thereafter I will left with 80 lacs. I have two childerns. After 8-10 years I will requre funds for marrying both. My monthly in hand is app Rs 1.90 lacs.. For How many years will I have to work/or how much funds should i have to see that I have funds to marry my childerns and to met my monthly expenses once i retire
Ans: Your financial situation reflects thoughtful planning and steady savings. Let's assess your assets, liabilities, and goals for an early retirement.

Key Details of Your Financial Status
Housing Loan: Rs. 70 lakh housing loan with an EMI of Rs. 80,000 per month.

Monthly Expenses: Rs. 70,000 per month for regular living expenses.

Current Investments: Mutual funds and PF of Rs. 1.50 crore.

Funds Post Loan Clearance: Rs. 80 lakh remaining after clearing the loan.

Monthly Income: Rs. 1.90 lakh in-hand income.

Upcoming Responsibilities: Marriage expenses for two children in 8–10 years.

Evaluating the Housing Loan Decision
Clearing the housing loan now reduces debt burden but impacts your liquidity.

Rs. 70 lakh repayment will leave you with Rs. 80 lakh in investments.

Retain emergency funds for unforeseen expenses after loan repayment.

Once EMI stops, Rs. 80,000 will be available monthly for investments or savings.

Key Goals to Address
Retirement Planning: Ensure your corpus supports expenses after retirement.

Children's Marriages: Allocate funds for both weddings within 8–10 years.

Monthly Expenses Post Retirement: Maintain Rs. 70,000 adjusted for inflation.

Steps for Managing Funds After Loan Clearance
Emergency Fund Setup: Keep Rs. 10 lakh in a liquid fund for emergencies.

Diversify Remaining Funds: Divide Rs. 70 lakh into equity, hybrid, and debt funds.

Future Marriage Goals: Invest Rs. 30 lakh specifically for children's marriage expenses.

Retirement Corpus Growth: Use the remaining Rs. 40 lakh for retirement-focused investments.

Monthly Savings Post-Loan
After loan repayment, you save Rs. 80,000 EMI monthly.

Combine this with Rs. 40,000 (from Rs. 1.90 lakh income after expenses).

Total Rs. 1.20 lakh can be invested monthly for retirement and future goals.

Suggested Investment Allocation
Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate 60% of monthly savings for long-term growth.

Hybrid Mutual Funds: Allocate 20% for a balance of growth and stability.

Debt Funds: Allocate 20% for safer, predictable returns.

Goal-Based SIPs: Create separate SIPs for retirement and marriage goals.

Retirement Corpus Estimation
Aim for a corpus that generates Rs. 70,000 monthly, adjusted for inflation.

Plan for a 30-year retirement, assuming early retirement at age 55–57.

Factor in rising medical costs, lifestyle changes, and unforeseen expenses.

Taxation Considerations
Equity mutual funds' LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Invest strategically to minimise tax liabilities while maximising returns.

Children's Marriage Planning
Allocate Rs. 30 lakh across equity and balanced funds for this goal.

Ensure growth-oriented investments to meet inflation-adjusted costs.

Withdraw gradually closer to the marriage dates to avoid market volatility.

Suggestions for Early Retirement
Continue working for 3–5 years to build a stronger retirement corpus.

This allows you to grow investments and plan for children's weddings.

Focus on reducing liabilities, increasing savings, and investing wisely.

Protection for Your Family
Health Insurance: Increase family coverage to Rs. 20–25 lakh.

Life Insurance: Ensure adequate coverage, at least 10 times your annual income.

Will and Estate Planning: Secure your wealth distribution legally.

Final Insights
Clearing your housing loan now can simplify your finances. However, focus on balancing liquidity for future goals. Continue working for a few more years to strengthen your retirement corpus. A well-structured investment plan can help meet your children’s marriage expenses and ensure a comfortable retired life.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Shyam

Dr Shyam Jamalabad  |82 Answers  |Ask -

Dentist - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
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Health
Dr Saheb, I have gum problems and need to get treated. But Iam not able to find good dentist. Iam scared when they don't show any kindness or use soothing words. How to identify good dentist.
Ans: Hello
I understand your anxiety. A visit to the dentist can be stressful, especially if you have had a bad experience.

Here are some key factors to help you identify a good dentist:

1. *Qualifications*: Check for a degree from a reputable dental school and valid licenses.

2. *Experience*: Consider a dentist with extensive experience in general dentistry or specialized fields like orthodontics or oral surgery.

3. *Communication*: A good dentist listens attentively, explains procedures clearly, and answers questions patiently.

4. *Chairside manner*: A caring and compassionate attitude can make dental visits less stressful.

5. *Up-to-date technology*: Modern equipment and digital X-rays indicate a commitment to quality care.

6. *Sterilization and hygiene*: Ensure proper sterilization techniques and a clean environment.

7. *Continuing education*: A good dentist stays updated on the latest techniques and advancements.

8. *Patient reviews*: Research online reviews and ask for referrals from satisfied patients.

9. *Professional affiliations*: Membership in organizations like the Indian Dental Association (IDA) or local dental societies indicates a commitment to ethical standards.

10. *Comfort level*: Trust your instincts and choose a dentist with whom you feel comfortable discussing your concerns and treatment options.

11. *Clear treatment plans*: A good dentist explains procedures, costs, and alternatives clearly.

12. *Emergency care*: Find out their policy for handling dental emergencies and after-hours care.

13. *Office hours and location*: Consider a dentist with convenient office hours and a location that suits your needs


By evaluating these factors, you can find a skilled and caring dentist who meets your oral health needs.

...Read more

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