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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi

will soon be 25 yrs old but havent got a job yet and my partner is 29 yrs old. We know each other for the past 7-8 years and we are in a very healthy relationship so much happy with each other. We hv told about us in our families. They are willing to let their son marry the girl of his choice and in my family except my father everyone is happy for us. My mom likes him so much. He met my mom few times even came to home but havent met my father yet. I hv told my mom about us since march & my father in july. Since then me and my father are having heated arguments whenever i am trying to explain why i cant marry anyone by his choice. And i wish to marry this person. His issues are- Patriarchal thinking that how can a girl choose a guy for her marriage, its their parents job. Who told me to find a guy on her own. Secondly, Him being a maharashtrian. We belong to UP but living in mumbai for more than 25 years and my father has plans to shift back in UP after his retirement which is after 4 years. So he doesnt want me to leave here all alone by myself. Also he doesnt like maharashtrians, not even a bit. Thirdly, he is doing a private job but he is earning 70-80k monthly since my father is a govt employee. Hence he has got issues. What issues i am facing- he is giving all kinds of threats he can to stop me fir even dreaming about to get marry this person. He says even if the earth ends tomorrow i will not let you marry the person of your choice. It is our job to find a groom not yours. My elder brother who is 4 years older than me and my sister who is one year younger than me both are studying in delhi. It is just me and my mom and my younger brother who is in 8th std living here. And none of our relatives lives here. So he is verbally and physically abusing us. Even threatened me to put my partner and his family behind bars if they forces us to get marry. Since our (my and my mom) convincing and explaining to him is falling on deaf ears , we (my & my partner) are willing to take drastic step and get married in court. We are hoping that now only police intervention can help us to be with each other. But we are not taking this step right now cz many things are holding me back but we are willing to take if things goes even more worse later. Since we are not finding it worth to wait for his approval. Nor he wants to listen why i want to marry this person and what are my reasons to refuse any guy my father chooses for me. Neither willing to see or meet my partner. My mother is on my side. She even asked my partner to meet some of our relatives and family friends everyone liked him and us. Its just my father who is having and creating so many issues. Everyone wants to hlp us but jst because of my father's nature (him being a true narcissist perdon) all are hesitating about how to even start a conversation with him unless he doesnt talks abt this with them. My father is also avoiding to talk about this situation with anyone since it will bring down his reputation, what will the society and relatives think about us. Noone will marry my siblings if they get to know about this that their sister has forcefully left the house to marry the guy of her own choice. Please suggest me something what else i can do to make him understand and should i stop making efforts and do whatever i want to not now but after sometime. Take drastic step and leave the house. I also know what will be the consequences of my actions but can i do if he doesnt want me to see me happy or believing in my decisions. Atleast he should listen and see him personally that what i saw in this person. But he doesnt want. Please guide me.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What can you do if your father has a rigid thinking like this? Like you yourself have mentioned: that your father must see what you saw in this person.
So, how much effort has gone into that? It seems that all of you are quick to judge that your father is strict and that he does not like people from certain states etc...Okay, he is who he is, right? So, now tune your efforts from complaining about him to what you can do to make him see the good in your partner.
Also, I hope that your partner is in a reasonably good financial state for his age else this will become an issue with your father.
Address your father's concerns and that will help you and your partner actually move things further. You becoming financially independent also will give your father confidence that you are old enough to make certain decisions of your life.

Also, your mother supporting you is of little use; if your father has always been in charge, she will have little say in the matter, so do not depend on anyone right now. Take it upon yourselves now to address what your father finds worrisome and take each point and build something useful to counter that.
It will not be possible or wise to force him to agree as that may not happen, so work on actually making him see what you see in your partner.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Oct 29, 2024 | Answered on Oct 29, 2024

I also want him to meet my partner, even willing to explain everything I told my mom everything abt us that noone else other than my mom knew abt us in so much detail. But my father is not even letting me say anything regarding that..how can I explain to me. When he is willing to hear then only I can make him understand. He gets hyper very quickly. Even had papa's friends so that they can hlp him to make him understand my perspective but they are waiting for my father to say something about this first to them. Because my father will take this very negatively that we are trying to spread it and ppl will gossip. I kw this possibility is also there but I feel we need someone elder to make him understand. Me alone wont make much difference I feel so. Yes, my partner is in good financial state. We aren't quick to judge. We have been watching him since kids. He is strict in every matter for each and every things. Everything little thing is a big deal for him. Even going near him gives us very restricted vibes. So things are actually difficult for us. His concerns are something which I cant change. He is maharashtrian I cant change that nor his mindset regarding them. I told him several times that he is a different. Though more explanation is needed to tell him what I saw in this person n how does he make me feel. And this only I can tell him once he wants to listen to me. Soon me and my mom are meeting his family to tell them what all is going on here since they are unaware of it.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What you are doing is convincing someone who does not want to be convinced. Find out what bothers him and work only on that.
No one can be forced to like something against their wishes. Just because you like a boy, does not mean everyone will and must support it, right? Some will and some won't...If your father won't, then because he is important to you being your father, work with him on addressing his fears and his rigid beliefs. Your partner will also have to join in and do his bit...
Rather than going on and on about what is not going right, focus on what you want and how you can achieve that. See, parents are not enemies; they will for generations to come have these doubts and fears when it comes to their children. One step at a time...meet with his family and then slowly approach your father not as your enemy but as someone who must handled like a child...YES, don't fight him, but understand him and address his fears...if it gets worse, your mother hopefully can stand in for you...But focus on what's needed to be done now...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Oct 29, 2024 | Answered on Oct 30, 2024

Okay. Thankyou mam. What bothers him.... He is against the whole idea of love marriage. Bcz he thinks guys leave after fake promises. 2. Choosing guy on my own. Its the parent's job. 3. Since I kw him for many years he thinks that I was doing only this thing i.e. finding a guy rather than studying knowing that I was topper. 4. Guys, if refused for marriage they try to harm the grl. He feels specially this happens in maharashtra. I had told him it is happening all over the world not jst here absolutely not only amongst maharashtrians. And those who do such things have different mentality not all ppl does this. Also he is making this an issue of UP vs Maharashtra. 5. He thinks if he allowed me for this marriage then my other siblings will do the same. That he doesnt want at any costs. Also my sister doesnt want to marry a guy of his choice. I dnt kw what will he think when he get to know abt this. 6. He wants me to marry and settle in UP wants to keep me nearby. Not this far since noone can come occasionally or when it is required. I told him we will come by plane if required u dnt need to come rather we will come there. He isnt satisfied with that too. There are many more concerns like this. I am not saying these are very small things. But we have solutions for it. And are ready to make him understand. We initially thought once I will tell my father then I will let my partner meet him. Bt after seeing his reaction my mom n me both are hesitating. What if my father insults him badly or hit him. Bt at the same time we know in person toh milana hi padega..for how long we can avoid it. At the end of the next month my father is planning to meet directly his family. He is saying he will take police along with him. Though I kw he will not do such thing. But he will create tamasha n if he went really then he will insult them badly ..them n also us. Bohat gadbad hojayega. What if dono side se argument hone lg gye. Ek baar k liye ldka sunn bhi lega bt how can his parents. For now..we are waiting patiently how things will turn out..after meeting his family. N when if really my father wants to meet them. Also elder brother who is not having good relations with me nor with my sister and also not with father. And my partner was his classmate during school tym. So he is already against this bcz he is his classmate that's it. For now he is in delhi and Probably he will come back next year. When he will return he is going to make things even difficult for me.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad that you have thought about each point that you have listed down. It's not about you finding solutions for it; but to help your father understand and find solutions for himself on those points...I hope you get that...

Also, is your partner a small boy who doesn't know how to handle the situation that he is going to wait for your father to hit him? Give people more credit than you do, please...even your father...Yeh ho jaayega, woh ho jaayega...agar poora film banaa liya hai dimaag mein, then obviously you will fear every situation and instead of actually dealing with the real problem, you will be dealing with all these stories in the mind. There is a lot of fear around what your father will say or do, but as adults I am sure, you and your partner can handle this maturely without assuming ki yeh hoga, yeh ho sakta hai etc...Address all the points that you have mentioned above and then immediately do not expect any change. Give your father time; it may take weeks, months or years...it's how soon he wants to get rid of his rigid beliefs...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Oct 30, 2024 | Answered on Oct 30, 2024

That's the only problem. To help him understand we need to communicate, sit down n talk. And He is not ready for that. U only suggest me how should I make him listen to me knowing he gets aggressive, wont allow anyone to say anything as if we are some mad saying Nonsense, throws emotional drama calls any of the relatives to tell them what we are doing here. Wo achese se sunne toh km se km fir chize kitni easy hojayengi.. We are not creating stories bt looking for all the possibilities that may or may not happen jst to be prepare in advance. And make plans according to that n makes changes in what we have already make plans. Do u think should I let his parents meet my father if they said they want to talk to him n hlp him understand since you know soon we are going to meet them. Ya fir uske parents ko iss wqt involve krna thik nhi h? Or it should be jst me and my partner for now? Also, for my partner when should I let him meet? Should I wait until I get the job? Tb tak shant bethu mai cz every time i utter something he is turning it into arguments. According to my fathers behaviour he will not even allow my partner to enter the house keeping aside talking to him. Smjh nhi aa rha kya kare... Giving him time...for how long? You know he is going to shift back to UP after 4 years Tb tak unka mind Change nhi hua toh..bethe rhe kya hum? U only said I am trying to convince who doesn't want to be convinced. I am not saying we will not do anything to make him understand we will try our best when time will come.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
My response is still going to be the same...I do empathize with you...

You need to give it a try without mentioning your problems over and over again in different ways. It's understood that your father is not going to agree that easily...what's the point mentioning how difficult it is going to be once again and then again and then again? No one said that this was going to be easy.
All you are doing here is throwing your frustrations out, finding new ways of communicating the same issue at hand. I get it; your father is giving you a hard time. So, work on it...not easy, but if you want a certain outcome; work hard at it!

The questions that you have asked me are related to what you and your partner should be sitting together and planning; you instead are looking at an easy way out by asking me to tell you what to do next and next. My job is not to tell you what to do or not but GUIDE you towards finding optimum solutions by yourself which I have repeatedly been mentioning in the responses above. The moment you find the mindset to do that, you will stop depending on anyone to solve your problem; you will take charge yourself.

Now, copying from my previous response...
Address all the points that you have mentioned above and then immediately do not expect any change. Give your father time; it may take weeks, months or years...it's how soon he wants to get rid of his rigid beliefs...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/