Home > User

Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

KN
KN
Anu

Anu Krishna977 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Asked on - Oct 19, 2022Hindi

Listen
Relationship
Anu, Request you to keep my identity anonymous.
I am a 40 years old guy, happily married with two kids. I have a lot of friends and I have invariably introduced most of them to my wife.
While with a previous organisation that I worked for, I met this girl (say M) and we became very good friends. M is 2½ years younger to me, is married and has kids. Much like with my other friends, I introduced M to my wife. M has also been home a couple of times during festive occasions.
While so, during a family day event at office almost 5 years back, during an apparent conversation between M and me, we were engrossed in the conversation and my wife was standing right next to me. My wife thought that she was deliberately being snubbed/ignored and got offended with M's behaviour.
Since then my wife developed some sort of a hatred towards M. Many a times I tried explaining to my wife that M's behaviour was not offensive and even if it was, was unintentional.
It's been nearly six years since this happened, but that animosity still continues.
The more I try to explain to her, the angrier she gets.
We have had a lot of fights whenever this topic arises. I am scared to even pick M's calls when my wife is around.

What this has done is that I started speaking to M discreetly.
I had to delete all photos that I had with her. I constantly keep deleting all WhatsApp conversations and call logs that I have with her.

I do not want to do all these secret things especially when I am not doing anything wrong.
I want my wife to give M one more chance. My wife does not think I have a relationship with M. Her point is that I should not talk to someone who has insulted her (my wife). I think that it would not be fair for me to stop talking to M.

My question is how do I instill sense into my wife?
How do I convince her to give M one more chance? I don’t want to lose a good friend.

Ans:

Dear K,

If your wife has felt snubbed and you feel that she is being unreasonable, what can you do if you wife isn’t willing to befriend M?

The more you fight this, the more your wife feels that there is something going on.

Doubts in the mind spread like slow fire consuming the mind and you are adding fuel to the fire by being adamant on maintaining the connection with M.

Now you wife is convinced that she must not have anything to do with her and you should not as well.

What do you want to do? Spoil the peace at home because of an external connection?

It may not seem fair to you, but there is a reason why your wife felt snubbed by M at that time.

She is unrelenting and does not want M in the equation. Why are you fighting this?

I am asking you choose between the peace within the marriage and an external connection.

There will be a point in time when your wife will be willing to look at this objectively and that is the time to talk to her about it.

Right now, it will be like forcing her, having fights over this and maintaining a connection with M within all of this/ Do you really feel that a connection is made suppressing another one?

Connections are made in complete peace and harmony with existing connections growing because of the new one.

What you have is the existing connection being threatened because of the other.

Be patient and reasonable and wait for the time to emerge for connections to co-exist and in the meantime, reassure your wife that your marriage means a lot to you.

May not sound fair, but it’s the only way to honour the marriage.

All the best!

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna977 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

Asked on - Apr 06, 2022Hindi

Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu, I would like to be anonymous.
I got cheated by my boyfriend in my 20s and was in depression. My parents thought that it would be nice if I get married to someone who is elder to me and we'll settled.
They got me a match who is 13 years elder than me. Joint family, one sister separated with her kid in the same house, one unmarried.
I said yes but had the intuition that something is wrong. No one trusted me and I got married to the man.
From Day 1, we were fighting. I tried to take help from my parents to get separated after a year but they didn't help me due to societal pressure. After my son born, he paid no attention towards my son and me for 7 months. But this time he told that he was busy at work. I returned to my in-laws.
He tried to control everything –my friends, he restricted my social media accounts and also kept a screenshot of my conversation with my ex-boyfriend, threatening me to reveal it to my mom and dad. He also had the habit of not talking for 2-3 months in the same house. He did it for almost 10 years and pressurised me to have a second child.
During my pregnancy, he yelled at me calling me mad and fought with me. He called my father and told him I am mad and sent me to my mom and dad again for delivery.
Keeping my elder son for reference he tells to come back again. He doesn't provide any financial support and is threatening again with screenshots.
He often checks my mobile without my permission affecting my BP. I don't know why? I lost my sleep at night for several months by now. I am not able to concentrate on anything. Negative thoughts occupy my mind. I have a kid of 1.5 years with me.
Please help. I am mentally devastated. Thank you.

Ans:

Dear K,

What advice will you give a close friend if she came to you with the same problem that you have stated? Will you ask her to reconcile or keep her sanity intact?

Controlling the spouse is a classic way of coping for insecurity related issues within a relationship.

Being years older to you and having a young wife possibly might have given him goosebumps of you being attractive to people your age.

Whatever the reason, being passive aggressive and registering his insecurity through not talking for months, stalking you, monitoring your social media accounts, threatening to blackmail you with screenshots from your previous affairs; does it all sound like he is a person who you want to spend your life with?

If you still feel there is small chance and you want to, seek the help of a professional who can work with him and then the two of you to create an element of trust that is absolutely missing.

Any relationship that lacks trust, just crumbles as the foundation is weak and every little act that questions the other person’s integrity drives a further wedge.

You have a child that is dependent on you; be strong and whichever way that you choose, drive it…Inaction is what is causing you health issues, so do something NOW.

All the best and Be Strong.

(more)
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x