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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2023

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2023Hindi
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Dear Ravi, I am single and new to dating apps. I have been chatting with two girls and recently realised that one of them is lying to me. I found her profile on another app and it says she is married. How do I confront this? Should I report or check with her directly?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I hear your worries, and let me tell you, lying is one of the most obvious red flags out there. If the woman you are chatting with has been misleading you, you should confront her about the same. But be polite in doing so. As for her being married, it is her personal choice to be dating even after being committed to someone else. But since it clearly bothers you, it is better you communicate the same to her.

Reporting an account comes into play when it's a fake or spam profile; it is not applicable when the person is faking their interest or lying to you. In your case, taking it up directly with her seems like the right way out. Let her know that you are on to her.

Though her being on another app also does not count as an offense, it, however, raises one more red flag. In my opinion, it is better you walk away with your dignity; there are many women out there who would be lucky to have you as their partner.

I know you will make the right choice.

Best wishes!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am 35, male. We had a love marriage seven years ago after being together for eight years in friendship. During our courtship, she was in other city in India for three years her higher education.There she befriended a guy, her college mate and eventually we broke up. I was hurt badly. In 2013 she messaged me and asked to marry her but I didn't respond on social media. She would message me every 5-6 months initiating a talk but I never responded. She was in a relationship with the guy while she was messaging me (I read her messages post marriage hence I know).She also had one or two guys interested in her where she had casual talk relationship also while she was not interested in marriage with the first guy from her college. Meanwhile she kept messaging me also between 2013 and 2014.Somehow we met in 2015 and got married. Lately I happened to read messages somewhere on social media about her intimate relationship with the first person (the reason we broke up ) and I was devastated to know that as she had promised she didn't have any relationship with the particular person as it was the first condition for marrying her.Recently I read her messages again with some old friend of her where she approached him and instantly got into intimate chat with him to the extent that she said she loves him and plans to go on a trip with him citing official trip since she works. I am stunned since then. She claims to love me and plans our future and everything but somewhere I sense something is fishy.My queries Should I trust her?Should I confront her?What to do if she plans to go on trip with him while lying to me and I know about it? Should I confront her before she goes on trip?If she says sorry after confronting how can I trust?
Ans:

Dear T,

The very fact that you have approached me, a total stranger on the topic of whether you can trust your spouse or not, simply means that somewhere you have lost trust in her.

The timelines are a little confusing to me and hence what I would say to you is that: Past is the past and what happens there and what people do is what they can in the best possible manner. So, do not bring the past into a present decision.

But if there are any parallel relationships brewing now that are threatening your mind and the marriage, kindly confront her calmly and with ample evidence in your kitty to produce in case she denies them. But make sure that the evidence that you have is all real with time stamps on it.

Do make sure that the confrontation is not for you to prove a point and score high but it comes from a place where you want to know where this marriage is headed.

This helps avoid unnecessary arguments and will help you both be in a solution space.

If she says sorry, you need to ask yourself, if you can move ahead placing trust on her again.

What must she do to gain your trust? State this clearly to her. Move on this quickly before it eats your peace of mind.
All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2023Hindi
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Hi Anu, I am a 40 year old man (never married) who got in touch with a 39 year old woman on a matrimony site. On the site, her marital status was Never Married but as we chatted suddenly she told me about her first marriage that lasted for a month and now she has divorced that person due to dowry issue. I was taken back with this concealed information but continued to chat with her. One day, I happened to see a pic of her with her cousin brother on Instagram. There was a cake right in front of them that mentioned Happy Anniversary. I asked her about it. She first said it was for Birthday Anniversary. Then she said, the cake shop guy made a mistake and then she said that her cousin brother said 'Tumne bhai behen ka rishta ka ram naam satya hain kar di'. I'm confused now, is this cousin brother actually her husband only or cousin brother. After asking her about this, all she did was delete that pic from Instagram and she said it is her cousin brother only. I then asked her to show her divorce papers, she claims it is with her father in some locker and is confidential, so cannot be shared. She lives in Kolkata and I stay in Mumbai and to take things forward wrt marriage she wants to meet me at Kolkata but I'm confused with all this. Also, within few days of chatting with her she started calling me baby, she claims to have falled in love with me and also suggested we do foreplay when we meet. We've been chatting since 5 months on WhatsApp and I gradually have developed feelings for her. On phone we have spoken twice and we had a video call also once. Please advise on how can I proceed. Is she a fraud?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's difficult to figure out people even when you live with them for years...online connections are something else!

Now that there is a seed of doubt, your mind will not be at rest until you find ways of pacifying your thoughts. Do make that visit to Kolkata and figure out for yourself by meeting her in a public place so that there is no chance of anything going awkward.

Ask her all the questions that you have. And encourage her to ask you whatever she wants to as well. This will make it look not like an interrogation.
Also, in this meeting itself, place all your doubts about the picture and notice what she says and how she deals with it. My suggestion also would be to not rush into the physical aspect right now till you know more about her and her life. If her being a fraud is true, it will only complicate things as she might accuse of you being the one to initiate things physically. So make this trip about getting to know one another and if you are convinced that she is genuine, you may suggest that she can visit Mumbai the next time.

Make sure you give yourself time to make a decision. Online connections do happen; sometimes they are genuine and sometimes not! Which side of the spectrum is yours, you are going to have to figure it out...do just that...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 17, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2023Hindi
Relationship
Greetings, Anu. I am a 50-year-old married man in a relationship with a married woman 17 years my junior. She is exceptionally gorgeous and intelligent, and we were both colleagues until she changed jobs a few days ago. I had introduced her to my boss and my mentor, who work in a different organisation. After a while, I found she was constantly talking and discussing him with me, and my senoir was constantly inquiring about her whenever I went to meet him. I began to suspect, and one day I abruptly asked my partner what was up with her. She wasn't prepared for the query, and the first thing out of her mouth was the name of my senior, despite the fact that I had asked or said nothing about him. She tried to right herself and began explaining that she had received his texts complimenting her appearance and discussing her profession. I asked how often they exchanged messages, and she said once or twice a month. I begged her to desist from doing so in the future. But I tracked her and discovered that they were both online for over 14 to 18 hours every day, and their online times were almost identical to the extent of seconds, if not minutesAs she is a teacher, I asked for her weekly schedule so that I could contact her anytime she was available, which she provided. However, I discovered that both were online throughout her class hour. When I questioned her, she stated that her schedule had altered. I saw both of them online till the early hours of the morning from a different phone that had their numbers, and they had that number recorded in the other phone I was tracking them with. I started interrogating her directly one day and asked her how much time she spent chatting with him everyday, and she responded anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes, once or twice a week. I asked for her phone and discovered that all of her messages had been deleted. When I asked her what she talked about practically every day with him, she responded academics. I tried to ask her a few questions, and she gradually began to open up as she felt imprisoned after every other question she had replied. She admitted that my senior was speaking with her and that he frequently complimented her on her appearance and discussed a variety of other topics. She also argued with me about what was wrong with being online and conversing with someone. She stated that she thought my senior was a kind person. I asked her how she felt about him, and she avoided answering by chatting about unimportant stuff. I stopped communicating with her and responding to her texts. She didn't contact or text me on the first day, either, but on the third day, she began sending me love messages and beseeching me to respond. I persuaded myself into it, but she continued speaking with my senior all day and till past midnight, as I could see both online, even after she had blocked my number with another number I had taken from her good buddy. She attempted to persuade me, and I consented. I could tell that she maintained her friendship with my senior, and she frequently neglected to respond to my messages, even though she was spotted online long after I had sent them to her. I returned to her and we had a discussion about the same topic before I stopped talking to her. She did not message or phone me for two days, but on the third day she called and I had to pick up because something extremely important had to be discussed in another topicAfter that matter was discussed, I ended the call, and she began to send me love pictures and love messages again, as well as saying she wanted to talk to me and that I should not behave like this, at least with her. I agreed and dialled her number. She argued with me, accusing me of not believing her. I told her to keep away from my senior and that I shouldn't see her online with him anymore. She agreed, and I saw she wasn't online anymore, despite the fact that my senior was. This caused me to reconsider, and I discovered that she had applied for a new phone number and acquired a new phone two days prior. I asked her, and she refused, but the source from whom I learned was certain because my partner had asked her for a decent shop for mobiles as well as the network for the new phone. Madam , I had asked her several times what she talked about with him for hours every day, but she never answered, and now that she has a new phone, I know why....What should I do????
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What you should do is to move on with your life which is getting impossible with you monitoring her every move.
Your peace of mind is gone and she isn't required to give you the explanations that you seek...she has the freedom as much as you do to speak with anyone that she chooses...so why are you so stuck on this?

Is it love and also both of you are married...(this is not to judge either of you...) but where there is no commitment, there is no reason to get possessive or demand explanations. The same goes for her as well in case she starts to stalk you and gets on your case...

So, now let her be and befriend who she wants to...there is no way that you can stop her...so simply get on with your life...there are better things to do than run around chasing someone who is chasing someone else...

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 20, 2024
Relationship
Hi Sir, I met my wife in a matrimonial website.Our parents discussed our profiles and then we exchanged our numbers.We met once and then remained in contact for almost 9-10 months and during this period we became friends and met 3-4 times in public places.After that we both realised that we should see each other and get married.Then our courtship period started and I told her about my past and also told her that i had sex with my sex girlfriend.She also told me that she had 2 boyfriends and never had sex with anyone.I believed her and we met couples of times during our courtship period in cafes and hotels but never had sex.We discussed almost everything during that period and she confirmed that she is a virgin.After 6 months courtship period we got married and things were going good.After 10 months of marriage I found a chat backup on her phone and it was with her ex.They were discussing sex and with those messages it was clear that they had sex multiple times and she even took an Ipill due to unprotected sex... When i confronted her she again lied and denied the allegations.When i showed her the messages she confessed that they had sex thrice. I am broke now and this lie is taking all my peace and I am overthinking about this which is impacting my work as well.Though i am trying to be normal with her but somewhere in my conscious mind i keep on thinking this.The problem is that she lied not about the virginity. One fact that from the day we decided she never cheated on me and even i am very much loyal to her. need your help sir!!!!please suggest what to do now....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad you found your person. I understand that it is difficult for you to accept that she hid something that was important for you to know, especially when you shared your past experiences honestly. Your feelings are valid. But let's just take a second to think of this from a woman's perspective- it can be difficult for women to share certain details of their lives because of how easily society will judge them harshly for the same thing that they will ignore if a man does. I suppose she was afraid you would judge her too. Nevertheless, it was not right.

There are a few things to do now- first, focus on the positives. As you mentioned, she has been very loyal and loving to you- focus on that. Let the past be in the past; it can't be changed, but it can ruin your present and future if you let it. Second, if this revelation is causing extreme turmoil in your relationship, please consider seeing a marriage counselor together, or you can also see a therapist alone. They are professionals and can help you navigate your feelings in a more structured way.

Best wishes

..Read more

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