Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2023Hindi
Listen

Hi Anu, I am a 40 year old man (never married) who got in touch with a 39 year old woman on a matrimony site. On the site, her marital status was Never Married but as we chatted suddenly she told me about her first marriage that lasted for a month and now she has divorced that person due to dowry issue. I was taken back with this concealed information but continued to chat with her. One day, I happened to see a pic of her with her cousin brother on Instagram. There was a cake right in front of them that mentioned Happy Anniversary. I asked her about it. She first said it was for Birthday Anniversary. Then she said, the cake shop guy made a mistake and then she said that her cousin brother said 'Tumne bhai behen ka rishta ka ram naam satya hain kar di'. I'm confused now, is this cousin brother actually her husband only or cousin brother. After asking her about this, all she did was delete that pic from Instagram and she said it is her cousin brother only. I then asked her to show her divorce papers, she claims it is with her father in some locker and is confidential, so cannot be shared. She lives in Kolkata and I stay in Mumbai and to take things forward wrt marriage she wants to meet me at Kolkata but I'm confused with all this. Also, within few days of chatting with her she started calling me baby, she claims to have falled in love with me and also suggested we do foreplay when we meet. We've been chatting since 5 months on WhatsApp and I gradually have developed feelings for her. On phone we have spoken twice and we had a video call also once. Please advise on how can I proceed. Is she a fraud?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's difficult to figure out people even when you live with them for years...online connections are something else!

Now that there is a seed of doubt, your mind will not be at rest until you find ways of pacifying your thoughts. Do make that visit to Kolkata and figure out for yourself by meeting her in a public place so that there is no chance of anything going awkward.

Ask her all the questions that you have. And encourage her to ask you whatever she wants to as well. This will make it look not like an interrogation.
Also, in this meeting itself, place all your doubts about the picture and notice what she says and how she deals with it. My suggestion also would be to not rush into the physical aspect right now till you know more about her and her life. If her being a fraud is true, it will only complicate things as she might accuse of you being the one to initiate things physically. So make this trip about getting to know one another and if you are convinced that she is genuine, you may suggest that she can visit Mumbai the next time.

Make sure you give yourself time to make a decision. Online connections do happen; sometimes they are genuine and sometimes not! Which side of the spectrum is yours, you are going to have to figure it out...do just that...

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu, I am 35, male. We had a love marriage seven years ago after being together for eight years in friendship. During our courtship, she was in other city in India for three years her higher education.There she befriended a guy, her college mate and eventually we broke up. I was hurt badly. In 2013 she messaged me and asked to marry her but I didn't respond on social media. She would message me every 5-6 months initiating a talk but I never responded. She was in a relationship with the guy while she was messaging me (I read her messages post marriage hence I know).She also had one or two guys interested in her where she had casual talk relationship also while she was not interested in marriage with the first guy from her college. Meanwhile she kept messaging me also between 2013 and 2014.Somehow we met in 2015 and got married. Lately I happened to read messages somewhere on social media about her intimate relationship with the first person (the reason we broke up ) and I was devastated to know that as she had promised she didn't have any relationship with the particular person as it was the first condition for marrying her.Recently I read her messages again with some old friend of her where she approached him and instantly got into intimate chat with him to the extent that she said she loves him and plans to go on a trip with him citing official trip since she works. I am stunned since then. She claims to love me and plans our future and everything but somewhere I sense something is fishy.My queries Should I trust her?Should I confront her?What to do if she plans to go on trip with him while lying to me and I know about it? Should I confront her before she goes on trip?If she says sorry after confronting how can I trust?
Ans:

Dear T,

The very fact that you have approached me, a total stranger on the topic of whether you can trust your spouse or not, simply means that somewhere you have lost trust in her.

The timelines are a little confusing to me and hence what I would say to you is that: Past is the past and what happens there and what people do is what they can in the best possible manner. So, do not bring the past into a present decision.

But if there are any parallel relationships brewing now that are threatening your mind and the marriage, kindly confront her calmly and with ample evidence in your kitty to produce in case she denies them. But make sure that the evidence that you have is all real with time stamps on it.

Do make sure that the confrontation is not for you to prove a point and score high but it comes from a place where you want to know where this marriage is headed.

This helps avoid unnecessary arguments and will help you both be in a solution space.

If she says sorry, you need to ask yourself, if you can move ahead placing trust on her again.

What must she do to gain your trust? State this clearly to her. Move on this quickly before it eats your peace of mind.
All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 14, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu,I am 42 year old male and have been separated from marital relationship and i don't have children,since 13 years and living alone where my father and mother had passed away few years ago.I was searching for brides profile from matrimony websites and found a widowed woman who is selfemployed. I called and talked her. she is equivalent of my age.She has one son aged of 24.I was willing to marry her but she does not want to marry anybody rather she expressed her interest and consent to live in a cohabitation(Living together relationship).(She said that her son is a grown up boy and preparing for competitive exams and she loves him a lot,She added that it is not possible to convince him for marrying another person.I accepted it and said ok. Later on we had date and moved on.Whenever she come for a date she asks me to spend and buy apparels,asking me to recharge mobile,asking me to buy provisions ,watches and to pay water taxes of her house.I did it without hesitation and she asks me for gold ring and ear-studs.She is not having contentment and i feel that she is greedy and she does not shows any form of courtesy towards me and further she did not spend even a single rupee for me .I am worried that she is exploiting me.I was wondered and shocked that during a little discussion with her she said that she could move away from me at any point of time if she finds any other person whom she likes her.I was dejected.I said that i am not your Money wallet to swindle me.I am not ready to spend money to a girl who informs me that she will be leaving from me.I scolded her. Even when have planned to marry at that time the woman asks me that whether i am a dominating person and asking about the details of my earlier marriage and testing about my genuinity. Now the relationship has broken between us and i am very much worried that whether i have taken a correct decision or not from stepping away from her because whenever i like to see her she ask me to make surprises for her.In turn no love and affection is being received from her. Kindly advice me that whether i have taken correct decision from quitting her relationship or i have hurried a lot by taken a wrong decision. Please advice and guide me and do the needful in this regard.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You have done yourself a huge favor by leaving her and the connection with her. When you started to have doubts about her being greedy was the time that you knew that she was just taking advantage of your kindness.
She was clearly never serious about this association from the beginning and spending your money and demanding more is a clear RED FLAG that she was never interested in anything long-term and that it was a convenient as long as you met her needs through money.
What more proof do you want? Are you now still worried about the fact whether you taken the right decision or not?
Kindly invest time and energy in people who nourish you and let you grow in all areas of your life. Be wise...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi Anu,I am 42 year old male and have been separated from marital relationship and i don't have children,since 13 years and living alone where my father and mother had passed away few years ago.I was searching for brides profile from matrimony websites and found a widowed woman who is selfemployed. I called and talked her. she is equivalent of my age.She has one son aged of 24.I was willing to marry her but she does not want to marry anybody rather she expressed her interest and consent to live in a cohabitation(Living together relationship).(She said that her son is a grown up boy and preparing for competitive exams and she loves him a lot,She added that it is not possible to convince him for marrying another person.I accepted it and said ok. Later on we had date and moved on.Whenever she come for a date she asks me to spend and buy apparels,asking me to recharge mobile,asking me to buy provisions ,watches and to pay water taxes of her house.I did it without hesitation and she asks me for gold ring and ear-studs.She is not having contentment and i feel that she is greedy and she does not shows any form of courtesy towards me and further she did not spend even a single rupee for me .I am worried that she is exploiting me.I was wondered and shocked that during a little discussion with her she said that she could move away from me at any point of time if she finds any other person whom she likes her.I was dejected.I said that i am not your Money wallet to swindle me.I am not ready to spend money to a girl who informs me that she will be leaving from me.I scolded her. Even when have planned to marry at that time the woman asks me that whether i am a dominating person and asking about the details of my earlier marriage and testing about my genuinity. Now the relationship has broken between us and i am very much worried that whether i have taken a correct decision or not from stepping away from her because whenever i like to see her she ask me to make surprises for her.In turn no love and affection is being received from her. Kindly advice me that whether i have taken correct decision from quitting her relationship or i have hurried a lot by taken a wrong decision. Please advice and guide me and do the needful in this regard.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Please find your answer here:
https://gurus.rediff.com/question/qdtl/relationship/anu-42-male-separated-marital-relationship-don-children-13-living/5149283

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |248 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi Kanchan,I am 42 year old male and have been separated from marital relationship and i don't have children,since 13 years and living alone where my father and mother had passed away few years ago.I was searching for brides profile from matrimony websites and found a widowed woman who is selfemployed. I called and talked her. she is equivalent of my age.She has one son aged of 24.I was willing to marry her but she does not want to marry anybody rather she expressed her interest and consent to live in a cohabitation(Living together relationship).(She said that her son is a grown up boy and preparing for competitive exams and she loves him a lot,She added that it is not possible to convince him for marrying another person.I accepted it and said ok. Later on we had date and moved on.Whenever she come for a date she asks me to spend and buy apparels,asking me to recharge mobile,asking me to buy provisions ,watches and to pay water taxes of her house.I did it without hesitation and she asks me for gold ring and ear-studs.She is not having contentment and i feel that she is greedy and she does not shows any form of courtesy towards me and further she did not spend even a single rupee for me .I am worried that she is exploiting me.I was wondered and shocked that during a little discussion with her she said that she could move away from me at any point of time if she finds any other person whom she likes her.I was dejected.I said that i am not your Money wallet to swindle me.I am not ready to spend money to a girl who informs me that she will be leaving from me.I scolded her. Even when have planned to marry at that time the woman asks me that whether i am a dominating person and asking about the details of my earlier marriage and testing about my genuinity. Now the relationship has broken between us and i am very much worried that whether i have taken a correct decision or not from stepping away from her because whenever i like to see her she ask me to make surprises for her.In turn no love and affection is being received from her. Kindly advice me that whether i have taken correct decision from quitting her relationship or i have hurried a lot by taken a wrong decision. Please advice and guide me and do the needful in this regard.
Ans: It sounds like you've been through a lot and have put a lot of thought into your relationship with this woman. From what you've described, it seems like her behavior, particularly asking for financial support without reciprocating affection or showing respect, was not healthy or sustainable for a fulfilling relationship.

You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and confused by her actions, especially her indication that she could leave if she finds someone else. Trust and mutual respect are important foundations for any relationship, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.

It seems like you made a thoughtful decision to end the relationship, and it's okay to take time to reflect on that decision. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own needs and feelings. If you're unsure, you could consider seeking advice from a counselor or therapist who can provide support and guidance as you navigate this situation.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |248 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am about 68 year's I have two sons who are married via arranged process. My younger son's wife is educated teacher. But she had a torturous up bring during high school days. Leading to least interest in married life after marriage. She deserted my son soon after marriage. This led to break down in marriage now heading for a divorce. Please advise.
Ans: It sounds like a deeply painful situation for everyone involved, especially considering the emotional trauma your daughter-in-law experienced during her formative years.

It's important to recognize that individuals who have gone through traumatic experiences in their youth can carry emotional wounds that affect their relationships later in life. These scars may manifest in ways that make it difficult for them to fully engage in marital life or maintain a healthy relationship.

In situations like these, it’s crucial to approach with empathy and understanding. Your daughter-in-law’s decision to desert your son and pursue divorce likely stems from her own internal struggles and emotional turmoil. It’s not a reflection of your son’s worth or efforts within the marriage.

Moving forward, it might be helpful for your son to focus on his own healing and well-being. Encouraging him to seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor can provide him with a safe space to process his emotions and navigate this challenging transition.

As a family, offering unconditional support and empathy to both your son and daughter-in-law can create an environment where healing and understanding can begin. It’s important to respect each individual’s journey and decisions while also recognizing the need for compassion during this difficult time.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |248 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi, I am 40 yr old woman. I am staying with my husband who always doubt me without any reason. As he is dependent on me. He is jobless from last 5 yr. I am the only earning person I don't have any type of attitude. While balancing professional as well as personal life I use to listen his bitter words every day. Not only that he started beating me like anything Just coz of so-called reputation I tolerate him. But 7 months back I came across with a man in my life we both started liking each other, I shared everything with him. But he left his job due to some issues with manager and started working somewhere else. He started ignoring me. Please help me out to understand what is right and wrong in this?
Ans: Balancing the pressures of professional life with the strain of an abusive marriage is a heavy burden, and you deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued.

Your husband's behavior—doubting you without cause, subjecting you to daily verbal abuse, and physically harming you—is deeply troubling and completely unacceptable. It's important to acknowledge that no matter the circumstances, you do not deserve to be treated this way. The fear of societal judgment and concerns about reputation are common reasons people stay in harmful relationships, but your well-being and safety are far more important than maintaining appearances.

Meeting someone who offers emotional support when you’re in such a painful situation is understandable. It’s natural to seek comfort and a connection when you're feeling isolated and mistreated. However, the new man's recent behavior, where he started ignoring you after changing jobs, might feel like another layer of abandonment. This is especially tough because you opened up and shared your struggles with him, hoping for understanding and companionship.

In terms of what’s right and wrong, it's essential to focus on your needs and well-being. Staying in an abusive relationship is harmful to your physical and emotional health. You have the right to seek safety and happiness. The relationship with the new man might have provided temporary emotional relief, but it seems he's not able to be the supportive presence you hoped for, especially now when he’s pulling away.
Right now, focus on what you need to feel safe and supported. Consider reaching out to trusted friends, family, or professional services who can help you navigate this challenging time. You deserve a life free from fear and filled with respect and care. Prioritizing your own happiness and safety is the most important step forward.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |551 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |551 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x