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The very fact that you have approached me, a total stranger on the topic of whether you can trust your spouse or not, simply means that somewhere you have lost trust in her.
The timelines are a little confusing to me and hence what I would say to you is that: Past is the past and what happens there and what people do is what they can in the best possible manner. So, do not bring the past into a present decision.
But if there are any parallel relationships brewing now that are threatening your mind and the marriage, kindly confront her calmly and with ample evidence in your kitty to produce in case she denies them. But make sure that the evidence that you have is all real with time stamps on it.
Do make sure that the confrontation is not for you to prove a point and score high but it comes from a place where you want to know where this marriage is headed.
This helps avoid unnecessary arguments and will help you both be in a solution space.
If she says sorry, you need to ask yourself, if you can move ahead placing trust on her again.
What must she do to gain your trust? State this clearly to her. Move on this quickly before it eats your peace of mind.
All the best!
Thank you for the kind acknowledgement on my columns. Much appreciated.
Why exactly is it important for you to pursue a new relationship?
As for your childhood friend, do know that being much older than you are, phases of life and its experiences are different for her than they are for you.
So, her wanting a relationship -- physical or otherwise -- maybe out of her want or lack of something in her life.
Shall we focus on you for the moment? Again, what is this interest in pursuing a relationship with her or alternatively wanting to know that if she wants one, so you can initiate it?
Where are you in terms of your ‘happily married’ life?
How does your wife feel about you being so interested in another woman besides her? Or does she not have a whiff of it as yet?
Why are you sending your childhood friend porn clips? What are you seeking from her? Or are you looking for a casual fling?
Not to sound like I am judging you here, there might be a possibility of exploring something new and different which I do see in many couples that I work with.
It could be because of the missing spark or the predictability within the marriage.
What if you spiced things up within the marriage?
Will you still feel the need to seek the company of another woman on chat or in any physical or emotional manner?
What I can suggest is: pour your energies in your marriage and it is possible that you begin to de-focus from your childhood friend and have a more meaningful connection with her.
Also, I fail to understand why she is so against you mentioning other women.
Whatever funny games that you both have been playing is rather childish testing each other and get a kick out of it.
Time to grow up and focus on your core relationships and nourish it to feel more full and content from within.