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Anu Krishna |1512 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by HK on Apr 13, 2022Hindi

Hi I have been married to my college mate for more than 11 years now with a girl child of 8+ years.
Wife and I were good friend for 2 years followed by live in for 4 years before we got married. We got into marriage unprepared financially and mentally.
My wife is a great responsible caring person -- way more mature than I am. I am a bit childish and emotional, very talkative and expressive person.
When I travelled to another city after 5 years of marriage for higher studies, I got involved with another girl. We were very much alike in terms of personalities. We could talk endlessly and were very compatible in all sense. We even got physical and felt like we’d never had this experience before. The thing is she too was recently married to another person quite like my wife.
We tried to get separated from our previous relationships but the girl’s family couldn't bear the family pressure and her husband though good otherwise took this on his ego.
I waited for 3 years for her to come out.
In the mean time I was almost on the verge of breaking my marriage because whatever connection I had with my wife had almost come down to negligible.
That girl too had to be in that forcible relationship with no connection at all and had to adopt a child to survive the dead relationship.
I got into a messy situation too -- a marriage with no connection but a lovely child.
I have a connection with that girl but without living together.
I don’t know if I can start a new life and if I do, how much I will be involved with it. Absolutely messed up emotionally and physically. Although my wife and I are financially stable as both of us are officers.
That girl too is a medical practitioner but I have no idea if she will ever be able to come out. Plz tell me what to do.
I prayed a lot, read lots of books, tried meditation, counselling, still I am in the middle of nowhere.

Ans:

Dear HK,

Why exactly did you feel the need to get into a relationship with another person?

Did your current relationship lack anything that the other relationship was fulfilling you with?

How exactly did the relationship with your wife deteriorate? Did the two of you make efforts to communicate enough in that long distance relationship?

How do you say your marriage is one without connection? How did you lose that connection?

Now, do you plan on continuing in your marriage or move on? If you have decided to move on, isn’t it time for you to come out to your wife and share what has happened?

These questions are possibly ones that are very difficult to face and answer as they bring out the truth; but they will help you get a better grasp of the situation.

It’s nice to live an alternate reality life for some time and relish the goodness but coming back to your real life that holds the ‘real you’ and your responsibilities isn’t something that can be ignored any longer. So, as much as you feel that you are in the middle of nowhere, I see no mention of what your wife must be feeling right at this very moment.

It would help to put things in perspective and talk this out as adults, (and yes, you do owe her that) so that both of you can come to an amicable decision to live more peacefully.